What do you do if hypersensitive DC can't ignore your DC who feeds off negative attention?

[EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck]

I've posted here because I've read that her intelligence could be the reason she finds it so difficult to ignore him.

It seems unfair to ask her to ignore him when she finds it impossible, but how else can I improve his behaviour? Should I teach her to love bomb him?

Have you asked for a developmental assessment on both ds and dd? Some of their behaviours are what I have experienced with ds and dd who both have ASD. Spitting was ds's behaviour of choice when he wanted someone at arm's length. Sometimes to stop a behaviour you have to find the reason behind it.
In a cafe I would always take ds with me if I had to leave the table because it's easier to keep behaviour in check that way. I would always have a bag of distractions with me that wouldn't be allowed at any other time than when we were out and about and I'd rotate and add to them frequently to keep his interest.
There would be regular rewards and incentives so at one point ds liked stickers so he'd get a sticker for five minutes nice behaviour in the cafe. If it wasn't going well I'd remind him about the sticker and give him a sticker within a minute or two at the first sign of some improvement in his behaviour.

I also think dd needs some sort of support as her resilience needs building because as she gets older and moves into secondary she will meet other children who will latch onto her sensitivity and prod her to get a reaction like your ds does now. She needs to learn some sort of strategy to distract herself from what is annoying her and to help her avoid giving ds an incentive to wind her up. Dd1 perfected the death stare or the "you are so boring" look early on which stopped ds by removing the incentive. Does she have an ipod? Headphones and something to concentrate on help ds and dd manage better when out and about because it gives them a barrier against what they find uncomfortable.
You need to get some help and support really because it sounds really miserable for you all tbh and if what you have tried isn't working then it's time for fresh eyes and new strategies.

Are your ceilings a decent height? Would a loft bed work with a sitting area underneath? Cost permitting, obviously. Trying to think of ways of giving everyone a bit more space. The way you describe it sounds exhausting.

No the ceilings are too low. She really does have her own space from 4pm when she gets in the door. I think school's too crowded and noisy for her.

You're right, of course, fleshmarket, I wish I had more patience with DD's lack of resilience.

She doesn't have an ipod and we can't afford one, I have a well off aunt but she's getting her a tablet for Christmas and DD's already asked for a custom Harry Potter wand for next birthday.

Ipod's work for mine but it's not a necessity it's more that you need to work with dd to find something that can distract her. Ds was challenging before the tech age so we managed without an ipod anyway, it's more that ipods now are an easy fix I suppose. So distractions for ds and dd before ipods would be blu tac, fidget toys (ds liked the Jacobs ladder type, rubiks cube,and the oil and water timers) and dd likes the spinners and cubes that are everywhere now. Dd would have something soft and furry like a beanie toy in her pocket or a square of fur fabric.
Fundamentally something to focus on instead of noticing all the things they find stressful happening around them.
I know it's difficult, ds drove me mad at times and it is so difficult seeing dd so fragile but we have to do what we can with what we have to give them the resources to function as best they can. Sometimes it's trial and error,sometimes it's a flash of inspiration and sometimes it's involving professionals to get their advice that is the the key.

Yes, I must remind DD to take something with her, she's stopped. DS2 usually takes something anyway.

You can get cheap ipod type things by a company called SanDisk. I think they're 20quid. She may have to change her mind about the wand if this will keep her saner.

You can get older iPods for £20-40 on Ebay (I had a 5th generation that I loved but broke, and replaced it from there).
Or much cheaper MP3 players. Those would be very good for the walk to school.

You should apply to the council now to get the ball rolling. It’s cruel to make them sure if it’s causing her distress which will only get worse as she gets older. What about when she goes to secondary and gets lots of homework?
I also second the other posters who mention you have self diagnosed a lot with nothing concrete. Asd can present itself in lots of different ways- ds1 and 3 have it. They are very different. Diagnosis is a long process and you need to get on it before secondary. I don’t think they are under stimulated but you seem in a negative spiral.

wannabe she does her homework in their room. He doesn't even go in there after school. They're usually doing homework in separate rooms at the same time.

You need to plan ahead.

Will get on the council list ASAP.

Your dd sounds like a bit of a snowflake tbh. Tell her to calm down and stop making such a fuss. ALL children are sensitive sometimes. You could do with teaching her a bit of resilience and sense of humour before she goes to secondary.

I think you need to stop seeing sensitivity as an affliction, it is who she is and the opposite of it is being insensitive which isn't great either. I don't think all children are sensitive sometimes, my younger one isn't anyway ....!

To build resilience she needs to start using it to her advantage while controlling her reactions. I'm probably 'hypersensitive' but I see it as a gift, I can read people and situations, see the bigger picture. But as a child it isn't easy. My dd1 is similar to me, and I don't make a fuss re her reactions/ crying for spurious (imo ) reasons but encourage her to think about what she does with her information before she reacts.

But then I don't think she has ASD so you may be up against a different level of challenge.