What do you do if hypersensitive DC can't ignore your DC who feeds off negative attention?

[EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck]

I've posted here because I've read that her intelligence could be the reason she finds it so difficult to ignore him.

It seems unfair to ask her to ignore him when she finds it impossible, but how else can I improve his behaviour? Should I teach her to love bomb him?

Have you tried actually giving your son attention? Sounds like you’re very focused on your dd, bet he feels left out etc

Have you asked for your dd to see an OT to try and get some support for her sensory processing difficulties? If she does have some sensory processing difficulties then you are being really unkind expecting her to ignore ds when his behaviours might be causing her real pain and distress.

Simone what do you do if he starts on the way to school?

Have you thought about asking for both dc to be seen by a paediatrician? It sounds like there is a lot going on with both dc and maybe they both need assessments to find out what help they need.
I have dc with autism as well as a couple of gifted ones and one with dyspraxia and it was difficult to juggle everybody's needs but my dc were younger than your ds when they learned about "life not being a level playing field and the need to not make someone else's life more difficult by being thoughtless" I'd think if dd with asd grasped that at 3 then ds at 6 should be able to as well.

He would lose something he enjoys after school. You don't need to give loads of attention to give a consequence. Just say it calmly. You'll lose blah blah if you annoy your sister on the way to school today. If he does, he loses it. If he kicks off about losing it, ignore.

If we're out, and not going somewhere compulsory, like school, I take him home and take DD back out, then don't take him out with us for a week. No tablet or TV for a week. If it's in the house, DD gets to play in their room, DS2 has to sit in the TV room until homework, no TV or tablet for a week, and no space to play.

He only gets positive attention from me, DD's the one giving him negative attention. Because she tends to come in and flop on her bed after school anyway, DS2 has my undivided attention until suppertime.

The SENCo thinks that he's emotionally immature and has poor impulse control. CAMHS have ruled out ADHD, the SENCo disagrees.

Merry that's exactly what he's doing.

Does he get enough exercise? Do either of them as a matter of fact? The picture you paint looks very claustrophobic

No, 2014, she's not partially sighted. Apparently, she has "A1 sniper vision", according to the optician! 😂

How is she hypersensitivity is all her senses then?
It all sounds very weird I think you need some help.

fleshmarket no I haven't asked for DD to see an OT. Can I do that through the GP? I don't think school would refer her, as she has no problems there.

"If we're out, and not going somewhere compulsory, like school, I take him home and take DD back out, then don't take him out with us for a week. No tablet or TV for a week.

If it's in the house, DD gets to play in their room, DS2 has to sit in the TV room until homework, no TV or tablet for a week, and no space to play."

He is 6 years old what does he have to do for the first punishment?? My children are 11, 10 and 8, and they would have to practically amputate their sister's limb for that punishment, and I'm assured by my school's SENCO that I am a very strict and consistent parent

Scabbersley they walk to and from school, 30 minutes each way, they purposely arrive at school 20 minutes early so they can run around, they presumably run around at playtime, they do PE once a week, they have a garden they can play in, although that's usually at weekends as they're too knackered after school, we have a park 2 minutes away, again usually at weekends, the playscheme they go to once a week has a garden, and the staff make them play outside if they think they've been on screens for too long. They both did sporty after school clubs last term, this term they selected singing and art.

If there are no problems at school why have you self diagnosed your dd with hypersensitivity?

I typed a very long reply, then my battery went flat.

zzzzz all he wants to do after school is flop on the sofa. He either watches TV, plays on his tablet or looks at books.

If we're out, and not going somewhere compulsory, like school, I take him home and take DD back out, then don't take him out with us for a week. No tablet or TV for a week. If it's in the house, DD gets to play in their room, DS2 has to sit in the TV room until homework, no TV or tablet for a week, and no space to play

He’s SIX!!! Poor little bugger! She’s 10 and goes on like a 4 yr old.

Fucking hell. Maybe you need to go down formal assessment routes rather than self diagnosing because fuck me man

Poor kids this is just awful.

She really couldn't stand bright lights, loud noises, greasy smells or tastes, rough or prickly textures, she seems to be growing out of it. She now doesn't retch when she goes into the lunch hall on a Friday when it's fish and chips.

Perhaps you've overloaded on the punishments there! He probably feels like he can't win so he won't even try. I was thinking of something like: you need to go to your room for your 20 minutes after school.

He does sound bored. My ds2 is 9, very active. He is definitely NOT ADHD but that schedule would drive him a bit cuckoo.

I think for more constructive advice, please give 3 examples of what happens. I'll give you one from my family. We picked ds1 up from Badminton which he's just started and he was almost in tears. He didn't want to talk there and then as his brother was also there. We saw ds2's best friend as we were going home and he yelled over to him, "Ds1's crying. Ha ha ha ha." Ds1 then whacked him. I let ds1 off the whacking as it was really unacceptable how ds2 drew attention to ds1's upset just to put him down (he is always putting him down). He went to his room when he got in and he lost his 30min tech for the day. But that was a bad one! Another example would be ds2, who is very happy and excited in the morning, singing his Christmas songs whilst having breakfast. Ds1who is grumpy and moody first thing, tells him to shut up, he can't stand it, blah blah. I tell ds1 if he can't stand it, he needs to go and eat elsewhere as ds2 isn't really doing anything wrong, and wasn't out to upset him (although pretty gleeful that he managed to!). In that case, ds1 is, I feel, being unreasonable and we shouldn't all have to pander to his moodiness in the morning. It's a constant balance. I'm sure there are some cases where your dd is in the right and others where your ds isn't being that bad, but she has learned to play on it. You need to be able to distinguish which bits of responsibility they take. For example, if he annoys dd walking to school, at 10, can she walk on her own in front or with a friend you meet on the way? He has to hold your hand all the way?

On the school run, could dd go ahead to the next corner / meet you at the school gate? That way she could get away from him whenever she needed to do so. You could also give a warning 'that isn't kind to your sister, stop otherwise we will need to stop chatting' then if he does it again 'OK, I've set a five minute timer on my phone, we'll be in silence until you hear the buzzer at the end'. Or make him hold your hand and tell you all his spellings for the week, or something else dull which will keep him from winding up his sister.

I do understand what you mean about G&T and being easily wound up - it may not be diagnosable, but it's definitely a trait to which I can relate. In the long term, separate rooms and a clear 'you need an invitation to come in, and must leave immediately if asked' rule for bedrooms would probably be best. Works here, anyway. If they're sharing a room, we usually put the older child in our bedroom until the younger one is asleep / has calmed down, if being together isn't working.