Thanks.... part of the problem is that he won't talk to anyone at all apart from me. Not that I mind, I love him, but I don't have some of the answers. He thinks (by his own conclusion) that he might have two people living in his head, and has named the other one. He says he 'controls' him but loses it at home. He says he doesn't want to be alive anymore, as he can't stand it. His Dad threatened many many times to have him put in care or up for adoption before I got a backbone. His Dad was a drink fuelled, raging emotionally abusive twat for 3 years and it all happened so insidiously, I let DS down badly. In the end on a small number of occasions his Dad used inappropriate force with him. He was also being physically bullied at school and at play. He had no where that was safe.
No defence but I was so shattered emotionally and physically and mentally that I let it go on thinking I could 'fix' things and make us better.
I never had much self esteem in the first place.
Yes SAF, I do have somewhere to go, it is beautiful and peaceful and I call it my 'church', but I need to go there too often to top up to cope.
I have no one that can help a lot in RL. My Mum and Dad have their own problems but are there in a dire emergency, my extended family are in coventry. My MiL is too old and not very nice and the DC's don't like her. Their Big brothers are lovely but one lives in Herts and the other is doing his PHD. The friends that I have are ace, but obviously have full lives of their own.
I think Ex is emotionally Abusive and even now, I find it hard to not engage, because it is just me and him. So he can be fab and I think 'what the hell went wrong' and then everything spirals and I struggle not to become the snivelling, pathetic woman trying to be 'good' to make it all better. Distance would help I guess but not an option.
So through all of it, DS is broked and I don't know how to fix it. Frightened of making it worse because he is going to be going through puberty and so have to take that into account, but frightened of not dealing with it right now and him being hit by it later in life.
And that's without my own ishooes. I some ways I am heaps better than last year. And it is at home. We laugh more, little shouting, fairly easy going, But right now, I've had it. Weirdly, more than any other time over the last 3 1/2 years, I feel like I have just had as much as I can take.
I can do 'OK' and part of me really feels fine, but like the russian doll analogy, a part of me, or parts of me are so far from fine, I wonder if I will get there.
I rarely have time to paint, got myself into debt, no great career options, knackered and in regular moderate but niggling pain, I get bloody lonely but feel trapped by the situation. I am, if you don't mind me saying, fucking fed up. This is why I was trying to avoid MN, because once it starts coming, I don't seem to be able to stop....