please help me be brave?

[beinganxious]

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I suppose because I have spent, in truth, the last few months scared out of my wits and too frightened to do what needs to be done. So I'm hoping that if I write it down and some wise mumsnetters read it and encourage me, then I will have the courage to do the right - the only - thing.

I've had the feeling that something is wrong with one of my breasts. Flashes of pain, slightly itchy nipple, odd feelings, pain under my arm, a range of things. I've been able to rationalise it in part. I thought it could be an ill fitting bra. My 3 year old son has a habit of sitting on me and leaning his full weight through his elbow on that breast and on the same spot and thought it could be that. But while I have examined myself over and over, I can't find a lump, but I do think there is a slight 'thickening' on one side. I don't know for sure, but it could be there.

I need to see my GP. And I'm know that sooner is better than later, but God, I'm so frightened. I'm in tears as I type this. I have a little boy - he's only three - and I can't even imagine. I try to tell myself that even if it is cancer, then the sooner I get it diagnosed, the better right. So why am I trying to find ways not to go the doctor. Why so scared?

If anyone has any wise words that they could say, I would be so grateful. I need to do this and do it soon. I can't tell anyone of myfears in real life - I just can't.

Sorry so long, and thanks for reading (Oh, I changed my name for obvious, I suppose reasons, but I'm not that wellknown here anyway.) Thanks

Have just got back and I'm really pleased to say that the mammogram showed nothing suspicious. They couldn't say what it was that was causing the inflammation and pain, but didn't think it warranted further investigation, such as ultrasound or a biopsy...

The staff were lovely and really tried to make what was happening as clear and accessible as they could.

I think it's actually going to take a bit of time to sink in as I, oddly, still feel a bit strung out.

But I would like to say thank you so much to everyone for your kindness and consideration. I wouldn't have done it in the first place without your encouragement and reassurances.

Oh Lou. That post made me cry .

I'm so, so pleased for you and your son that I want to give you a very unMumsnetty hug!

Well done for being brave and for going.

I think that the next step is eating your own body weight in chocolate!

YAYYYYYYY!!! Lou, I am SO glad for you!! Wonderful news!!!
PHEW!! Huge sigh of relief.

I bet it's going to take a while to sink in... you've lived with such anxiety for so long, your body and mind are used to it and it will take a bit to be able to let go.

Oh wow, I am so happy and relieved for you. (((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))

wow lou, that is fab news.

I have been thinking about you all day.

Can imagine that you can't quite feel euphoria yet, you have had a stressful (to say the least) time of it.

now I can use a Christmas hat

That is great news. I've been following your thread with my heart in my mouth. I am so pleased that you are OK

Wonderful news Lou, so pleased for you.
Give it time to sink in, release all that tension, then relax and have a wonderful Christmas with your little boy.

Thank you

I haven't cried yet, which is bizarre, as it's not taken more than a sideways glance to achieve that recently, but you guys are going to set me off!

Really, I do appreciate what you've all done for me.

JM, (I do hope the results for your stepdad are positive)and I'd really like to thank you especially for your steadfast encouragement and ability to say just the right thing when needed, along with KurriKurri and mumonthenet and PacificMistletoe and MaryAnnS and Pixie and Calyx and Winnybella and MmeLindt, and well just EVERYONE. Please forgive me for not listing all names but I have read every single message, repeatedly, and got such strength and resolve from your words.

Lx

oh that's brilliant news lou !! am so relieved - have been checking this thread every few hours !! relax and have a wonderful Christmas with your family xxx

Soooo very pleased to hear your news lou - you really should celebrate! You can now just have a lovely Christmas with no health worry. x

I've been lurking I'm so glad that you got positive news. Now have a lovely Christmas x

YIPPEEEEEE!
have been thinking about you all day - am so delighted that you have had good news. I can completely imagine that it will take a few days to sink in and for the anxiety levels to fall. But what a lovely xmas pressie!

Yeah!! I am just home from work - that's brilliant news, lou !!

See, we all told you so .

I am very pleased for you and hope you can now relax. Hope your LO is better too.

Hey Loupiots how about that then eh! I've got a HUGE grin on my face, I've been working a long day and only been home a short time but I was thinking about you and wondering how it went. And it went GREAT! I'm so pleased. I bet it was your wee one's elbow after all!

I love good news! Yipppeeeeeee!

Merry christmas to you, don't worry if your emotions catch up in a few days and you have a huge cry! (don't worry if you don't either... some of us are crying for you!) Big enormous hugs and more good vibes. Probably see you around mumsnet sometime! xxxx

I'm so happy for you!
What a relief!
Have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Fab fab fab! So pleased and relieved for you - grinning like a loon.

And just before Christmas too. Wonderful.

Lou

I came to your post a bit late and have still not read all of it, but think I have got the gist. Thank God all is well. Bloody well done for going. I have had BC myself and it is hard facing up even to the possibility.

You have done brilliantly. If oyu have really kept all this to yourself in RL, find a way to reward yourself, because you have faced your fears, and done it alone. And that is a hard, hard thing. Be proud.

And also bloody pleased!

Have a lovely Christmas. xx

Hurray!

How are you doing today? A bit calmer? Hope so. It takes time to let go of such anxiety - don't be surprised if your mind "ambushes" you with a flood of emotions in the next few days/ weeks. It's normal to get hit with the "might have beens" when you've been so worried for months.

I'm glad anything I've been able to say has helped you.

Did you eventually tell DH?

Hey JM - you're very astute, you know.

I am, of course, happy and relieved, but there's a lot of other stuff in there as well, (anger, guilt and as you say, what ifs ). I'm sure it will settle down soon

I did tell dh and he was a bit hurt as I expected; he would have wanted to come with me. However, he also (on a good day, mind) 'gets' me and knows how I operate, so he understood why. I've had a lot of post event hugs, and that's always welcome

Oh yeah, hugs are great .

It's not necessary that I'm very astute (but thank you!), it's that I speak (write?) from experience... had a huge scare while pg with DS - had to have an amnio in a hurry and have honestly never been so frightened in my life. Even though, from start to finish, it was only three and a half horrible days (unlike months for you), it took quite a while to get over. Weeks later I still got the shakes when thinking about the might-have-beens. (It all turned out ok, BTW, but it's no joke having a first child at 38, with all the tests and whatnot.)
Thank you for asking about my stepdad. Nothing conclusive on tests yet - but no outright bad news, I'll settle for that until we know more.

"necessarily" even... can't spell.

So? Better?

Ready for Christmas?

Fabulous news.

I am better. I had a whole day to myself yesterday (unheard of luxury ) and it was very restorative.

I'm letting go of the tension and fear, slowly but surely, and am feeling more festive by the minute. We got our Christmas tree today, so that helps. DS, bless him, whined all the way there and all the way back but it was all just very normal and ordinary, you know, and that was just fab.

How are your Xmas preparations coming along JM? Are you all ready to go?

I'm glad you're getting back to your old self Lou, and looking forward to Christmas. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Take care, xx

OMG, you could be my twin!! I had the BEST day yesterday, worked a few hours in the morning and then went across the border (to the U.S., I live on the West Coast of Canada right near the border) to go shopping at the retail outlets with a good friend. We had a fantastic day, my feet are so sore today, we shopped until we nearly dropped and didn't go near any of the children's stores - it was ALL girl shopping

I'm so glad you're feeling better. (Happy, happy!!)

You should come join us in the One Child Tea Room. Most of us have one child, but one is pregnant and one recently had her second... and we occasionally have thread crashers from the Multiple Births thread - it's a really fun group, you should pop in (so to speak), we're all a bit mad so it's a lot of fun. I would love to chat with you more so do!