please help me be brave?

[beinganxious]

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I suppose because I have spent, in truth, the last few months scared out of my wits and too frightened to do what needs to be done. So I'm hoping that if I write it down and some wise mumsnetters read it and encourage me, then I will have the courage to do the right - the only - thing.

I've had the feeling that something is wrong with one of my breasts. Flashes of pain, slightly itchy nipple, odd feelings, pain under my arm, a range of things. I've been able to rationalise it in part. I thought it could be an ill fitting bra. My 3 year old son has a habit of sitting on me and leaning his full weight through his elbow on that breast and on the same spot and thought it could be that. But while I have examined myself over and over, I can't find a lump, but I do think there is a slight 'thickening' on one side. I don't know for sure, but it could be there.

I need to see my GP. And I'm know that sooner is better than later, but God, I'm so frightened. I'm in tears as I type this. I have a little boy - he's only three - and I can't even imagine. I try to tell myself that even if it is cancer, then the sooner I get it diagnosed, the better right. So why am I trying to find ways not to go the doctor. Why so scared?

If anyone has any wise words that they could say, I would be so grateful. I need to do this and do it soon. I can't tell anyone of myfears in real life - I just can't.

Sorry so long, and thanks for reading (Oh, I changed my name for obvious, I suppose reasons, but I'm not that wellknown here anyway.) Thanks

lou, the next 6 days will be very long for you, no doubt, but maybe you can try and remind yourself of the odds when you find your thought spiralling out of control: in your age group breast cancer is rare and lots of other reasons for breast lumps/thickening are common. No guarantees, unfortunately, but if the possibility of bad outcome was a horse, any sensible person would not put money on it !
I do not mean to be flippant but it is worthwhile remembering that common things are common, and rare things are rare.

You just hang in there .

You are all amazing. Seriously. I am bowled over at your patience and advice and with seeing for myself the reality of the 'kindness of strangers'.

I was thinking about why this is so terrifying and - aside from the obvious - part of my panic is made up from knowing that something is wrong, but I don't know what it is. Even as I take on board the possibility (probability? ty Pacific) that it may not be cancer, I struggle to convince myself what else it could be that could cause these symptoms.

I require large dollops of certainty in my life (the result of an enormously chaotic childhood) and feeling that control over my life is being wrested from me in this way affects me in a way that is not rational. And I do like rational.

OK, am over-analysing. One of my ways of maintaining control. Will shut up now. But will be back. Y'all shouldn't have given me permission to witter

witter away all you like.

We are all here, lurking, wishing you well, knowing or imagining how awful this is for you. It's the not knowing that's doing you in. These next few days will be hard but you WILL get through them.

Morning loupiots I know what you mean about over analysing everything, I think a lot of us do that and it's exhausting in itself quite apart from having soreness and trying to keep everything going. I hope you're managing to eat well, stress is probably going straight for your tummy and adding to the feeling awful. I wish the consultant appointment was over already because I'm sure they will echo your doctor and lots of people on this thread "it's normal and nothing to worry about".

It could be: your DC's elbow having caused a sore bit/inflammation. Or a blocked duct or cyst. It could be lymph node irritation or inflammation. Blocked milk duct leading to itching or pain. I'm making these up and gosh there are any amount of things benign that cause these symptoms. Pacificmistletoe hit the nail with 'common thing are common, rare things are rare'! Fingers are crossed and we are all here. Get that over analysing on the screen, better out than in you know!

Just wanted you to know we are thinking of you! Hugs for today, keep your chin up xxxx

Ps did you manage to tell DH about it yet? I'm sure a big hug and kiss while you have a good cry will help make you feel better afterwards, and I'm sure he would want to know/help you while you wait for your appointment xxx

Hello and thanks

no, haven't told DH yet. I wasn't going to at all, but now I think I will..
... but after the weekend, maybe on Monday.

I'm feeling quite flat and listless today. Resigned? I expect it's the other side of the panic/anxiety attacks. But it isn't too bad, actually - I need a bit of down time.

I am hanging on though - "deal with what I know". That phrase seems to have stuck a real chord with me.

As always, the sensible, level-headed advice from you guys is able to bring me down from the ceiling. Thanks.

I am glad that you were able to celebrate your DS's birthday and that you have an appointment soon.

Keep posting here, you are not annoying us. It is good that you have found support.

I do think that you should think about getting some RL support, whether from your DH or a friend, member of family.

Are you scared that your DH will not react well, or do you not want to worry him?

Loupiots, post away all you like if that is helping you, you are not grating at all. I'm glad we have been able to offer you some support.

The over-analysing, and being in freefall, feeling you describe, are very,very normal and natural. Sometimes just sitting down for a moment, covering your closed eyes with your hands, and having some slow deep breaths, can help to steady you if you feel panicky.

As others have said there are many causes of breast problems, and you are doing the very best for yourself by getting checked at the hospital.

Take care xx

I'm not sure why I don't want to tell dh. He may need me to reassure him and I'm trying to conserve my emotional strength for me.
It will make it even more real to me when I see his face when I tell him, maybe? Not looking forward to that.

I did tell a friend of mine, who has had a cyst examined. In hindsight, perhaps not the best person as she is wonderful, but has her own health anxiety issues. She tells me that I need to 'be prepared' and that it 'may well be as serious as you think' which is true enough and is her way of trying to help, but isn't having quite the right effect.

So, am having a wobble.
Deal with what I know, right?

And I don't know much at the moment, except whatever it is needs investigating and that I am going to a good place for that to happen. (Burying head in the sand is not an appropriate longterm option).

I like the idea that I'm going to somewhere with people who are going to help, regardless of what it is.

I will keep my calm (ish) head on.

Good for you, keeping your calm(ish) head on is not easy I'm sure, KurriKurri's breathing advice is good for that, I've had to do it myself at some points in my life (not health things luckily for me). It does work.

Your friend may have meant well but you've 'been prepared' for the worst for weeks and weeks, before you even posted on here, and I'm sure you can't be any more prepared. She might have been a bit more sympathetic I think, I would probably have been secretly annoyed with her comments, not really helpful when you're needing support and encouragement. I wonder how she thought they were helping! You're not burying your head in the sand, you've done the difficult bit and you're doing REALLY WELL, with the birthday and everything.

Your DH may well end up needing reassurance - you could point him to your thread here maybe? But I can't help thinking of if it was the other way around... I would want my DH to tell me if he was going through anything like what you are; I would want to help even if I was worried. He might surprise you Loupiots, and be strong for you and make you feel better while you're waiting for your consultation. He'll be good for a cuddle anyway however he's feeling and that has to be better than not getting one (internet hugs just aren't the same but ((hugs)) anyway)

Still sending you good thoughts and will be checking in regularly xxx

Hello loupiots
Just wanted to add that my thoughts are with you too!
I spent yesterday afternoon being poked, squeezed and prodded after finding a lump. I have spent the last few years worrying about one of my boobs - thinking I can feel a lump or a thickening. Definately felt one last month and the GP referred me on.
It is terrifying - I genuinely know how you feel. One thing I found really reassuring yesterday was the Dr telling me that it was his job to know what was normal and what wasn't. As I did not have his experience - everything would feel abnormal and mean the worst.
So it turns out he was right - what felt abnormal and therefore the end of the world to me - felt normal to him ( including some thickening).
I honestly, honestly believe that you are going to feel so much better next wednesday. In the meantime - do not go near your boobs - it only reinforces the fear.
You are doing brilliantly and have been very very brave. just take each moment as it is - and try to stop thinking about the what if's.
x

I think you said it yourself there loupiots,that your friend has her own health issues - she seems to be projecting her feelings on to you- not very helpful,but am sure she only meant to say what she thought best.

I've not been around for a few days but have caught up with this thread now. Loupiots, you already know you have to stop googling about breast changes/symptoms. But you might find it helpful to google for tips on managing the anxiety you're feeling. You mentioned other symptoms like pain in your arms and back - these are very likely to be symptoms of your anxiety, and this type of thing is really common. I like the mantra 'I can handle it'. And breathing exercises are also a great help (long out breath for count of 11, really pushing the breath out of your body, shorter in breath for count of 7).

Keep posting if it helps.

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm thinking of you. I hope you're asleep and at peace for the moment.

I'm sure the time is dragging and rushing by at the same time. But we'll be with you every step and I'm sure you'll have a hundred posts Tuesday night wishing you luck and crossing fingers for you.

JM - I could really do with being in your 'tucked up in blanket' scenario today.
Could you send me a virtual "steady"? They really help.

Teamme - you are right, I should avoid the prodding - it is tricky though. And I'm really glad that you had a good result. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I wish everything would stop feeling wrong - there's not much I can do about it anyway and it just makes my stomach do those horrible swoopy drops.

Foot rub?
Hug?

Deep breaths. All will be well.
One step and then the next. One breath and then the next.

xxx JM

Good morning Lou,

Hope you're doing ok.

All will be well.

Hello Loupiots, I'm sending you lovely relaxing karma and good vibes today. I hope you're feeling a wee bit relaxed this Sunday. It's foggggggy here and very cooooold so I'm all wrapped up! Hugs and hot chocolate for you today xxx

Thank you all, much appreciated.

I'm up and down today (that seems to be my theme!). We went out for lunch, and they were playing "have yourself a merry little christmas", which always sets me off me anyway. Had to retire to the loos for a wee blub.

But I'm taking all the good advice that has been so generously given,on board. One step at a time - deal with what I know, and all will be well.

x

Just wanting to say hello, too .

Nothing wrong with a wee cry from time to time - as long as you can also stop...

Have you told anybody about your worries in RL? A sister, a friend, your DH? It is of course up to you, but a worry shared and all that... it might help.
Also just a thought, say he had found a lump in what my DS calls his "tenders" and was waiting for an appointment, would you not want to know and be sad when you found out he was not able to tell you?
Like I said, up to you .

Have a nice Sunday evening if you can.

lou,

I just want to say that I'm not sure I would tell my dh either. Not sure why.

I think that if you can handle it better this way -then this is more important than whether he might feel sad that you didn't tell him.

In any case do it your way, lots of love to you....you are on the way to getting this awful worry dealt with, done, dusted and over with.

Stay strong Lou, you have got through the weekend, you are doing well. Crying is good, a natural way to relieve stress.

Keeping you in my thoughts. xx

am listening to the same song right this second and agree it is blub inducing - even if you are feeling blissfully happy.
I did want to suggest one other thing - but obviously just ignore if you want, I take homeopathic stuff whenever the anxiety gets too much - popped a pill just before my mammogram on wed and it really helped. Prob all in the mind = but whatever gets you through. Tapping has also been really helpful.

Well done for getting through the weekend so well - you are doing ace! x

Has it really been only a week since I first posted? Seems like a lifetime ago.

I am grateful to you all for helping me take these steps. I don't think I would have done it otherwise. And I do, in all honesty, know that there is something wrong. But I do need to know what it is, it's just what it is and what it means.

I'm not looking forward to Wednesday, but I am relieved, in an odd way, that I am on my way.

I understand why it seems strange that I wouldn't share with my dp or RL people, what's going on, but my default position is absolute self-reliance. A lot of therapy has helped me realise that those that I have let become close to me can be trusted, but in times of stress, you tend to go back to what you know and understand.

I can cope, I always do cope. It's a blessing and a curse but, it's just thinking about my baby, my little boy that makes me lose my mind. That's where
everything falls apart. That's my fear. That is where I have to take deep breaths, repeat to myself that I must "deal with what I know" and curb my imagination.

God! Witter, witter. Thank you again, though. I can't tell you what it means to me that you have all taken the time to be here and come back and post messages and keep me in your thoughts. It really matters to me, so sorry if sappy, but I don't care. Thank you.

lou, whatever gets you through . You are doing well and come a long way since you first posted.