please help me be brave?

[beinganxious]

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I suppose because I have spent, in truth, the last few months scared out of my wits and too frightened to do what needs to be done. So I'm hoping that if I write it down and some wise mumsnetters read it and encourage me, then I will have the courage to do the right - the only - thing.

I've had the feeling that something is wrong with one of my breasts. Flashes of pain, slightly itchy nipple, odd feelings, pain under my arm, a range of things. I've been able to rationalise it in part. I thought it could be an ill fitting bra. My 3 year old son has a habit of sitting on me and leaning his full weight through his elbow on that breast and on the same spot and thought it could be that. But while I have examined myself over and over, I can't find a lump, but I do think there is a slight 'thickening' on one side. I don't know for sure, but it could be there.

I need to see my GP. And I'm know that sooner is better than later, but God, I'm so frightened. I'm in tears as I type this. I have a little boy - he's only three - and I can't even imagine. I try to tell myself that even if it is cancer, then the sooner I get it diagnosed, the better right. So why am I trying to find ways not to go the doctor. Why so scared?

If anyone has any wise words that they could say, I would be so grateful. I need to do this and do it soon. I can't tell anyone of myfears in real life - I just can't.

Sorry so long, and thanks for reading (Oh, I changed my name for obvious, I suppose reasons, but I'm not that wellknown here anyway.) Thanks

It's natural for you to be completely overwhelmed. Fear tends to take over and paralyze our brains.

Maybe this will help: your GP thought it wasn't a problem. She sees a lot of this sort of thing. She sent you for an urgent referral mostly likely more for YOUR peace of mind, and also - your app't is for a week from now, not tomorrow - if she really thought something was wrong, she'd have pushed to have you seen within days, not a week.

Sometimes trying to think rationally helps calm panic.

Of course, I could be talking out of my arse... I seem to recall DH trying to be rational didn't help my soul-freezing panic when I had a scare a few years ago but I hope it helps you.

Valium is A Good Thing if it keeps you functioning.

Steady, love.
(((((((((((((HUG))))))))))

Thank you JacksMIAPT.
Steady is good. Steady is right.
Deep breaths. I'm getting ahead of myself.
It was just seeing the letter, y'know, in black and white. Complete brain freeze.

Right - candles, cake, presents ready for when dh gets home.That's what I need to focus on right now.

The rest is coming, whether I'm in hysterics or not, so I shall choose - not.

You are getting ahead of yourself. Remember your GP didn't think it was anything to worry about. Hang onto that.

This may sound stupid but when I was really frightened it helped to repeat a sort of soothing mantra to myself - kind of like you'd say to your DS while rocking him if he's upset. My favourite is

"All is well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well."

It doesn't mean anything deep but if I repeated it to myself over and over I found it turned into a kind of soothing pat-shush for my tired freaked-out brain.

Hi - i have been through similar with two separate lumps and agree that it is similar.

Agree with everyone else that you did absolutely the right thing in going to GP. Its great that they think that there is nothing to worry about but its equally good that they have referred you 'just to be on the safe side'.

It just means that you will be able to put it behind you knowing that it was all investigated properly.

In my case all ok on both ocassions. (once had a biopsy, other time just an ultra sound.)

My mum DID have breast cancer - but after full treatment she was fine and that was nearly 20 years ago.

Again - althought it was awful for her - it was much better that it was found and treated as quickly as possible.

x

sorry should have 'agree that it is terrifying'

just read that you have been referred to the Marsden. thats where I went too. they do tend to see people quite quickly - i remember my appointments coming through for within a few days. And they were brilliant. The staff were lovely.

So just a week to go! That's good.
Agree that if GP thought it was urgent you would be seen in a day or two, not a week.
She probably also was able to tell how stressed you were about it.
Everything hurting is definitely psychosomatic- it happened to me a few times, too- it really does hurt, which is so bizarre, but it just shows you the power of mind, doesn't it?
Please, please relax. You can't in any way 'know' your diagnosis, you are not a doctor and the one you saw didn't seem to worried about it, so you shouldn't be either.
Also, think that you are likely to have more check-ups etc in your life- everyone does- and you just can't stress so much each time!
Enjoy your lo's birthday!

loupiots - do look at the Breast Cancer Care forum - it is amazingly supportive and helpful and there are sections to post on for people waiting for appointments at the breast clinic - I'll link to it in a sec...I am often on there !

here

loupiots, I am glad you have an appointment soon because I think you will worry whatever anybody here might say !

Referral from GPs get read in hospital and assigned appointment according to local protocols. Now, I do not know the Marsden, but I know our local hospital routinely sends urgent appointments to all referrals for breast abnormalities because they know all women are scared stiff about the possibility of breast cancer.

Please tell your DH, do not live with this worry on your own, it is not fair on you or him. And yes, take a Diazepem, get a night's sleep, hope Lo's birthday party will be fun and provide distraction.

I agree, would think they just have quick appontments like my hospital - I did warn you of this possibility, for a very good reason.
I didn't tell my H until I had been and they did a biopsy, had to tell him then before results as I was not allowed to lift DC. He was appalled I had not told him.
I think you should tell him even in a not concerned myself kind of way as he will find out and if news is not as expected you will need his support.

Hope Ds had a good birthday and you were calm enough to enjoy it

Thank you all for continuing to share your knowledge and experience, I am very grateful to you. Truly.

Where am I tonight? Well, small child is fast asleep with a tummy full of pizza and strawberry and cream cake, hopefully dreaming of birthday candles, dinosaurs (a triceratops if we are being specific), his new Spiderman outfit, and how much fun he had at Hamleys and the Transport Museum.

My dh is happily catching up on Lost or some such American import.

And me? Well, I have had a long hot bath, and a glass of wine (and I don't drink, so that raised a quizzical eyebrow).

I am on more of an even keel than when I opened my referral letter (reaction:ABSOLUTE PANIC) and thinking, tonight at least, that although this is frightening, I should try to avoid making it worse. Six hours ago, I was planning my funeral - possibly not helpful and somewhat on the dramatic side.

I need to wait until I have more concrete information, but that's the hard bit, eh?

Thank you, again.

I would try to tell your dh - he needs to know so that you can be supported whatever the outcome. I told my dh that I was being referred to the b clinic and was very glad he was there waiting for me after my ultrasound,mammo and biopsy. He was very scared but it was important to include him. More importantly he was with me for my results (strangely I was quite surprised when he got up to come in with me when I was called - I don't know why- I just assumed I'd go in alone) He has been a star throughout it all and I think would have been very upset if I kept it to myself.
Hope your babe's birthday was good and you could enjoy it.

You will have a solid idea of what is going on within a week, that gives you a further week to pick yourself up an get on with things before xmas - even biopsy results willbe back by then.

Enjoy your wine, chat to your Dh and support each other through this week.

Glad DS had the birthday he deserved and would so obviously love, and well done to you for getting through it for him, must have been hard

Hey, I hope you're asleep and somewhat at peace for the moment - DS's birthday sounds like it was fab .

Good for you re wine and bath. Take care of yourself as you would a friend who was dealing with this - be kind to you, listen to your fears but don't pooh-pooh or magnify them, give yourself hugs in whatever form (books, baths, wine) and talk to us. I know nothing I say will take away your utter and total arse-freezing fear... so if I were there I would feed you wine, tuck you up in a blanket, rub your feet and let you cry. You'll know very soon, although I know a week away must seem a lifetime for you right now... hang in there. One step and then the next. One breath and then the next. All will be well.

Much love and ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
JM

Calming, clear thoughts and deep breaths.
I'm going to try to use your mantra JM or one similar.

I keep having mini panic attacks, but I am not a doctor, I am not a radiographer, I cannot be certain of anything.

I cannot prepare myself by thinking the worst as it doesn't work that way. I need to wait until I have a diagnosis, one way or the other and deal with it then.

I have sent back the form enclosed in my letter. They had my address wrong, I'm surprised that it reached me! Wednesday is both too far away and not far away enough.

I wish I had not read some of the information on Google - I have, somewhat predictably, diagnosed myself with the form of breast cancer with the poorest outcome.

My anxiety is natural, but I must try not to let it take over. Might try those Kalm things.

When I read back this thread, the posts here are so sensible, they help so much....

One step at a time Loupiots, you will get there. Remember you will be seeing people who will help you next week. You have done brilliantly to get yourself the appointment, you are doing really well.

When I was going through this, a nurse told me to deal with what you know, and don't think about the don't knows, (it was good advice, although not always easy to follow). Try not to get ahead of yourself, your first step is to get seen at the hospital.

Do you think you would be able to tell your DH? Of course he will be worried for you, but I'm sure he will want to be there for you and support you at the moment. Even if just to give you a hug when you need it.

Thinking of you xx

poor you,

I can really imagine how next Wednesday is both too soon and not soon enough.

But, honestly, all WILL be well.

Keep coming back here for pep talks, if you need to. Thinking of you.

loupiots -I echo KurriKurri's words.
Don't google any more -it'll scare you shitless and unneccesarily - I do think the Breast Cancer Care forum is very helpful as it has posts from people in exactly your position and you might find it a comfort to feel less alone with your anxieties - the link is on my previous post.

I mean the post before that !

I'm sure you'll be fine Lou don't worry too much about the urgent referral thing. Gps will use this so you get an appointment quickly so your anxiety can be relieved sooner rather than later. Remember she didn't think there was anything to worry about concentrate on that.

Thanks MaryAnnSingleton - I've had a look at the forum - it is helpful.

To all, I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive, it's just a way of trying to get the worry out of my system. Or rather trying to manage it.

And writing it out helps me clarify/rationalise things, (but do let me know if I'm starting to grate).

I'm lurking and thinking of you. Just wanted to add that it sounds like you're doing an AMAZING job with your wee one and also that you'll never start to grate even if you were posting in a panic every five minutes. That's what we're all here for. Lots of love xx

Echo Calyx - if you need to post "I'm still scared!!!" every minute that's ok. We either have all done that or will all do it at some point (and then you'll be there to hold someone else's hand).
xx JM

post away - it's much better to say how you are feeling than bottle it up or have it going round and round in your head driving you loopy !