TAMOXIFEN THREAD HERE ***

[MaryAnnSingleton]

Am sick of my messages never getting through - I have had 7 attempts to reply to Cakes' last post- am starting a new thread ....
this is what I wrote anyway.....

righto, this i my 7th attempt to reply on this thread - everything keeps disappearing !
My assessment is on 25th,and am told to allow two hours for it,crikey !!
Saw a lady in town yesterday who was having rads and finished at about the same time as me and she's just seen the onc. for her follow up - they are running very behind I know- so I emailed to ask about mine - I tie myself in knots in trying to be assertive yet not too needy or a nuisance - I suppose I just like to feel that everything is done in order. Am not worrying about my health -am sure breast is fine and dandy, it's more my emotional state which troubles me.
Anyway, they have made me an appointment but it's at the same time as my assessment so have emailed back and left a phone message...arghh !
Special thoughts for RWU today and of course KurriKurri - hope all ok..and of course you Cakes and Morph.

sr- chin up, sending some hugs from here as well! as kk said you will have good days and bad days, sometimes a good cry can help (i like driving to a very secluded beach nearby and sitting in the car wailing about how unfair life is to myself ) Do you have any idea when chemo will start? we will be chemo buddies (ish!!) i'm guessing

I'm off to an Ann Summers party in a bit, nto entirely sure WHY i am going bearing in mind poor dh only gets it these days for birthdays and christmas (slight exageration but ykwim its not high on my priorities list thses days lol!) and the thought of sexy undies just makes me think 'won't that be really uncomfortable'! also not drinking due to chemo on monday (i know i could but i have learnt to steer clear during treatment as much as poss as it doesn't do me any good lol!) so i shall be babysitting drunkards........... again!

Hang in there sandripples, you are having to cope with an awful lot right now. Tomorrow is another day.

As KK says, the chemo nurses are great, if you are haivng FEC or one of the other ones that have to be fed in manually by a nurse you can have quite a chat with them. So even if it all seemed a bit real and scary today, it won't be like that when you get started. In ours they bring round soup and sandwiches and a little tea trolley - with (gasp) proper cups and saucers! It is very civilised.

Underarm wounds are really horrid, they just rub and rub.

Look after yourself, can you do anything nice that is just for you this weekend? A judicious little treat here and there can work wonders for morale, and you really do deserve it (whatever it is) just now.

I am off out to a bit of a do tonight so won't be about but will look in tomorrow, hoping to see you feel a bit better. (In the meantime i must address the awful dilemma of what the hell to wear )

lots of love to you SR...
RWU - the idea of sexy underwear just says itchy and scratchy to me- have fun though

have just returned and thrust the Ann Summers catalogue at DH he looks a bit and has gone a subtle shade of red whilst looking through it

did you not buy anything RWU ? a maribou lined thong ?
poor dh ! I've only ever been to an Avon lady party

no, i'm afraid i didn't buy anything lol! dh recovered pretty quickly upon me removing the book full of scantily clad women and we climbed into our flannelette pj's and tucked ourselves into bed i can't remember when it was that we turned 80!

I am trying to get tickets to see Alan Carr atm- show starts at 10pm though and i'm wondering if i'll stay awake til the end!

Hope everyone is ok, and especially hope SR is feeling a little perkier

Thanks everyone for your nice messages. I think its partly that the bloody infection has got me down as it shouldn't have happened really, and partly feeling in a bit of a treatment limbo.
Anyway, I am v lucky in that good friends have been to stay. No-one staying at present but I am Ok with that for now. A friend is coming to visit this pm so following your advice I'll suggest we go to nice cafe in village.

Will type out the chemo I think I'm starting with later on - when I can find what I was told yesterday!

Must detach DH from builder now so that DH can take me to get wound packed again.

I don't do sexy undies either - far too uncomfy. What's wrong with nice practical white cotton fgs??!

Hope you get tickets for Alan Carr, RWU, ( I am assuming you mean the comedian mot the stop smoking man ) I LURVE him.

SR, glad you are a bit brighter. You'll feel even better when you can stop having to get the wound packed. Yuk and ouch! Once it starts to heal it'll probably get loads better dead fast. Don't lose hope!

Got back safely from our do last night - I was driving but dh drank far too much and slept in dd's room because he snores when he drinks beer (she was safely on a sleepover at her gran's) - at one point it sounded like he was choking, but I was far too tired to go and check. he seems to have survived the night although he is very pale with very red eyes

wound packing does sound a bit eek- hope it heals quickly now SR- you're doing really well.
Hope Mr Cakes hasn't got a hangover. We have been to birthday lunch for my mum at her house (we took the lunch to her) - was very jolly- my DB,niece and SIL there too- dh cooked moussaka and I made a bitter chocolate almond mousse.

My DH snores after beer too. It used to be a lot worse but several years ago he very bravely had an op to improve matters. This involved removing his uvula and lasering his throat to tighten it up - this involved considerable agony for about 2 weeks, so I have to admire him for doing this for me. he does a good impression of trying to wear one of those anti-snoring masks - he felt it was sort of pumping air into him like a lilo and there was no earthl;y way he'd ever be able to sleep with it - so that's why he went for the op, which has improved matters quite a lot. He does tend to choke on crumbs rather readily - not having a uvula!

I think I must be improving as I haven't had a painkiller since 11 this morning! This is my 3 week record

I also walked further today than before - not ve far but was nice, and then coffee in village as agreed earlier. When I returned, a lovely surprise as a friend had brought round home made soup, bread and flapjacks so no need to cook! Very kind - people are being quite wonderful.

Hope you are all OK.

crikey, yes, I suppose a uvula would bat away crumbs and whatnot..brave dh.
Am so glad things are feeling a bit better - & how lovely of your friend.

Morning. Feeling a bit rubbish today due to alcohol consumption last night. Very annoyed with myself. There have been three occasions when I've had too much thinking "I bloody well deserve a break" and forget that it makes me sleep badly and that i get such anxiety the next day. I feel very achey today and am convinced it's the cancer doing hideous things to me. I need to just not drink at all (and on most nights I don't at all), but I feel so stressed and I am a bit of party animal at heart and the suspension of the nightmare for that evening seems to make sense. Sadly it really isn't worth it, so when will I get hat into my thick head.

Had a very strange half hour yesterday. I went running and when i started i was thinking - almost congratulating myself - on how I had come to terms with it all and was coping well. A bit later it suddenly occurred to me that my MX op is the day after Valentines day and suddenly, the next thing I knew I was leaning against a fence sobbing so hard, having dropped my hat and my water bottle and taken my earphones out. I recovered almost as soon as I'd started and felt a bit of a wally. So I carried on with my run feeling rather bewildered about it all and then the next thing I knew I was angry; really, really angry and I was running like I had the Terminator on my tail. A couple of people I know drove past me and said later that I looked like they'd never seen me before, almost as if I was possessed. Then I got home and felt so drained. It was all very strange. Better out than in maybe, but perhaps no so fast next time, eh?!

Anyway, we had a fun night last night. It was DH's birthday on Thurs and because I'm a little self-absorbed ATM he hadn't had much of a birthday celebration (although we did go out to dinner), but what I did do before we went on hol was arrange for a load of friends from the village to come over all bearing an indian takeaway. It was all a complete surprise for DH! He thought we were in for a rather dismal evening of fish pie and Saturday night TV, but instead within a matter of minutes there were 16 of us round a haphazard collection of tables and garden chairs scoffing curry! Another surreal moment in a strange day!

that sounds like a very therapeutic run Pennies- it is good to just release everything I'm sure - am not very good at that myself.
I get anxious if I drink too much, we only drink at weekends on the whole,though of course it's not a strict rule..I am very aware of having too much because I know I'll feel like that later so stop(usually!)- I don't think i mixes too well with antidepressants.
The surprise Indian takeway sounds really fun

Hi Pennies - Definitely better out than in. Don't worry about it at all. Or the drinking, my bc nurse said that if it relaxes you for a bit it does more good than harm (obviously moderation is to be encouraged but that's not always easy ). Glad you had a nice night with dh and friends. Only a week to go now til treatment starts, and this waiting is a hard, hard part. And while I think about it, I won't be around at all next weekend, so won't post a good luck message, but that doesn't mean I won't be thinking of you on the 15th.

Sandripples, I have been gently encouraging dh to go for that snoring op, but from what you describe, I don't think I'd better mention it again. Yikes.

Am not normally about on a Sunday but wanted to come on here and say to RWU - thinking of you tomorrow for the BCG thing. Have a relaxing day today.
xx

Hi MAS!

Posting simultaneously! I think drink is pants with ADs (from what I'm told) and also with tamoxifen. I don't always let that stop me, but it does take some of the fun out of it. I am a bit of a party animal myself, and I do like a laugh, everything seems funnier after a glass of wine.

DH's hangover lasted the entire day. I think we are becoming a pair of lightweights as we get older: he didn't even drink what I would really consider a lot, just consistently over a long period.

The awards dinner was OK, but it was at the Motorcycle Museum in Solihull and there were other events on as well - we gravitated into what sounded like a great party - and it was. Turned out to be Deutsche Bank's late Xmas party - fake snow, giant penguins and polar bears everywhere. Bankers are clearly not pulling their horns in THAT much. We got back some of our share of the bailout money by blagging a couple of free drinks - we also tried to liberate one of the giant penguins, but it was too heavy to lift

PS Just realised that makes me sound a bit light fingered. We were only going to leave it outside, honest! (For one thing it wouldn't fit into a Citroen C4)

Hi Pennies, I also find these sudden mood swings can be quite strange. I am not always clear what triggers them but we are just all coping with such a lot. if you're like me, I keep going as well as poss esp when my son is around, having company keeps my spiritis up but there is nevertheless a whole lot of stuff welling up inside and occasionally it has to spill over. It happened on Friday at breakfast time as I mentioned - think it was confrotning going to the new tretament centre for the first time. It used to be telling friends for the fist time about the whole thing. Its as though each of these means I have to confront it again, whereas the rest of the time perhaps I am denying the cancer a fair bit. Not sure as I seem to think about it a hellova lot.

I had one tiny sherry a few days after my fist op. The effect was catastrophic, I was in a heap on the sofa as though I'd had a lot more, and my heart rate leapt up to over 90 which is not like me. So since then I've not been tempted at all. I'm losing some weight which I reckong is due to this abstention!

Anyway I hope next few days are Ok for you.

And for RWU.

Wound packing isn't eek although it sounds it - I am lucky in that it doesn't hurt at all although I know it does for some- just depends where the nerves are I think. Nurse said it was healing fast today.

Any tips for itchy scars?

I think I've got 'cording' in my arms - sharp, buring feeling down inside arm from shoulder down towards elbow - am stepping up the exercises. Realised when I did not have any painkillers for nearly 12 hours that scars don't hurt but shoulder and arm do!

DH and I have just had exciting trip to garden centre and bought new feeding station for them! Another 80 year old adventure?!

Hi sandripples

Quick reply ref itchy scars - you need to be quite sure the would has healed over before putting anything on them. Check with bc nurse, until then it is just grin and bear it really (puttng anything at all on before thenm even antiseptic cream, can introduce more infection). Cording is yuk, just step up the exercises in terms of frequency, but don't do them any more energetically.

Quick post to wish RWU the very best for tomorrow xx

SR I'm glad you have had a better couple of days, sounds as if you have some really good friends

Pennies, what you describe is a very understandable reaction to your situation, you may find it was something very necessary and cathartic for you.

I'm linking to an article on a cancer counselling site. In case anyone is nervous about clicking on links, its about coping strategies and the different feeling you have, dealing with other etc. I think it very helpful so if any one would like a look its here

cheers guys! i am VERY nervous about tomorrow now- having been fine up until two hours ago when i went shopping . I think it was the fact that i decided to get a weeks worth of shopping all in one go (usually we do it daily as dd and i enjoy the walk) incase i feel too crap to do anything, it's suddenly hit home that i might feel frightful tomorrow!

Will check in later but i am busy preparing my last supper ! x

Yes, best of luck tomorrow RWU. I will be thinking of you.

Cording. So THATS what it is - I wondered why I had that sensation, and still do occasionally. I hope yours gets better soon SR - I just thought it was tight muscles and did physio bits and bobs and generally waved my arms about like a loon!

thinking of you tomorrow RWU xxxxx

I dreamt I only had a fortnight to live last night. Feel very depressed today.

oh Pennies - not nice but it's only an anxiety dream..try to get it out of your mind.

pennies- as mas said its anxiety, your brain is on overtime at the moment so it will play nasty tricks, put it out of your head.