I think I am going to lose my lovely mum

[KimiChristmasCake]

My mum is 64, a smoker and a diabetic who since October has been on insulin, she has a very badly infected foot ulcer and has been told she will need a triple by pass as she is all blocked up in her aorta and tummy and legs.

She was in hospital for 3 weeks in October and was told she must stop smoking but has not and will not.

Her foot got bad over Christmas and so we took her back to the hospital and she has been admitted again, today the Dr has said that if they have to remove her leg she will not make it through the op, she needs the by pass to get the blood flowing better before anything can be done but she is not fit enough for the by pass, so if they do the by pass she will most likely die on the table the same as the leg, with out the by pass she will die as her heart will give out.

I am so so sad, I don't know what to do, mum has always had a morbid fear of dying and has had several breakdowns thinking she was going to die, as yet the Dr has not told mum any of the above, I know she is going to go off the scale when she is told...that will be tomorrow, my cousin who is a nurse practitioner is driving half way across the country to tell mum as we don't want the Drs to do it alone and I am a coward.

My sister and I have no idea how to help and it all seems so bleak right now, I don't want my mum to die, I love her.

My whole life is a mess right now and I really don't think I can cope any more, selfish I know.

It is a rock and a hard place as far as mums health goes. I am surrounded by people but I feel so so alone.

Just venting here really, if you got this far, thank you xx

Oh darling.

Gosh, I'm sorry. Sounds like an awful situation.

I lost my mother this year. It's a big old bucket of shite and no mistake.

Is it worth asking for a second opinion?

what a horrible thing to have to tell someone, my heart goes out to you.

So sorry.

Message withdrawn

Drs will be reviewing again in the morning but it seem it is a case of how mum dies and not if.

I want to make myself very very small and sit very very still in a corner and let the world pass me by in the hope I can escape all the pain... I am 37 for Gods sake not 3.

There is also a lot of other bad stuff going on in my life right now, I feel everything is spiralling out of control, I just keep thinking my poor poor mum, its too soon she is too young

Also what and how do I tell the children I have a 12 and 8 year old who love nanna to bits, I want the Drs to be wrong, I really want them to be wrong

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

You know she probably knows the outcome of her behaviour without being told. She's taking choices. She's an adult, you have to let her. She's choosing to carry on the way she is and sadly that is often the way people decide to end their days. I have a relative who despite having his jawbone removed because of cancer still crept out of the ward to shove a fag up his nose .

The thought of not having my parents to run to terrifies me.

It's hard seeing someone you love go through pain and knowing there is nothing you can do and they will do nothing to help themselves.

My aunt died after very similar circumstances as your mum. She suffered for years and years, yet kept puffing away, and she didn't do much to control her insulin either. Broke my mum's heart that no-one could convince her.

Hold onto hope until there is none left though, small miracles happen all the time.

I really do think she is sticking her head in the sand, but she is terrified of death and dying.
I think coping with the mental health side of this will be harder then the physical side.

You're right, dying is fairly easy compared to knowing you are going to die and watching those round you hurting.

Perhaps a forthright consultant could explain that she is actually killing herself? If there is no hope though there's little point in upsetting her further. You need to forgive her for being unable to change though, if that's the case and that's a tough thing for you to do.

I'm so sorry. You will cope, because people are astonishingly resilient, but that doesn't make anything easier. All you can do is make sure you have no regrets, that everything that should be said is said. Fingers crossed that the op is a success.

This sounds like an awful situation to be in.

Unfortunately she has made her choices in life, but it must be tough for you to be dealing with the consequences.

kimi,that is sad.unfortunately as adults sometimes the wrong decision gets made.you must be gutted,scared,frustrated

I'm so sorry you are going through this. i too am losing my mum although in different circumstances, and I do think 'what if what if'. Smoking and operations do not mix well. I think we always long for a 'good death', but it often doesn't happen that way.

What is important is that you are surviving her, whatever happens, and that she has been lucky to have you. Big hugs ((((()))))

Thank you all. xx

I am so sad tp here this, i watched my grandad die last year after smoking nearly 60 a day since he was 9.
He didn't stop smoking the whole time and even removed his nebulisers and oxygen mask to have a fag, he died of lung and eventually heart failure as they were just so damed clogged with crap.

My mum was in a simialr boat she has a very bad heart but smoked all her life, it wasn't until her 3rd operation last year that she arrested on the table and spent 3 weeks in icu. Luckily now she has given up but i have always said to her if she ever started smoking again she wouldn't see me or my kids as i wont watch her kill herself and i wont let the kids see it either.

I know how frustrating it can be when someone just wont help themselves even when they are killing themselves.

Hugs to you. x

If you want to talk i am usually around here. or email me if you want. [email protected]

Well my cousin has just told my mum, the Dr said he is amazed that mum is still walking about.
I don't think mum has really taken it in, lots of tears.

So sorry. What a frightening time for you.

I just wondered if all the ops incredibly urgent? Is there no way she can delay long enough to get a bit fitter and have a better chance? Is it too late from the docs perspective for your mum to cut out the cigarettes? My mum is a diabetic and was v v ill but lost lots of weight over just 2 months and became v much better.

Darling Kimi, more hugs((((())))

been following the thread and will continue to do so and just to say I send you all the strength and support you need. Keep posting if it helps [and it will I'm sure] and let it all out.

Kimi - poor you. What a dreadful situation to be in. It's good that she's got your support.

Smoking is not a life choice though, it's a potentially deadly addiction - so it's not actually her fault that she hasn't stopped - it is a really hard thing to do, and not stopping is sometimes seen as a character flaw rather than due to nicotine addiction. Even by some doctors. Nicotine is as addictive as heroin, incidentally. So please don't feel that it's her fault. It's just a terrible situation.

It's never too late to quit, particularly in vascular disease like your Mum where the effects of quitting can take effect pretty quickly and make surviving an op more likely. People who have smoked for years will struggle to quit on their own and she may not even have attempted it as she is scared of failing.

Doctors can trigger a quit attempt by stating clear and personalised consequences of smoking (hopefully the chat that you are going to have tomorrow), but she is going to need support - personal and professional - plus drugs. Have they given you any idea of timing - will they let her out of hospital pending any operation?

Let me know if you need any more info on supporting her if she decides to have a go at stopping. Stay strong. The docs may be a bit more hopeful tomorrow - fingers crossed.

Thank you all.
Mum will be seeing another Dr today and her leg has not got worse but not any better either, still fighting the infection.

I will update when I know more.