I think I am going to lose my lovely mum

[KimiChristmasCake]

My mum is 64, a smoker and a diabetic who since October has been on insulin, she has a very badly infected foot ulcer and has been told she will need a triple by pass as she is all blocked up in her aorta and tummy and legs.

She was in hospital for 3 weeks in October and was told she must stop smoking but has not and will not.

Her foot got bad over Christmas and so we took her back to the hospital and she has been admitted again, today the Dr has said that if they have to remove her leg she will not make it through the op, she needs the by pass to get the blood flowing better before anything can be done but she is not fit enough for the by pass, so if they do the by pass she will most likely die on the table the same as the leg, with out the by pass she will die as her heart will give out.

I am so so sad, I don't know what to do, mum has always had a morbid fear of dying and has had several breakdowns thinking she was going to die, as yet the Dr has not told mum any of the above, I know she is going to go off the scale when she is told...that will be tomorrow, my cousin who is a nurse practitioner is driving half way across the country to tell mum as we don't want the Drs to do it alone and I am a coward.

My sister and I have no idea how to help and it all seems so bleak right now, I don't want my mum to die, I love her.

My whole life is a mess right now and I really don't think I can cope any more, selfish I know.

It is a rock and a hard place as far as mums health goes. I am surrounded by people but I feel so so alone.

Just venting here really, if you got this far, thank you xx

Kimi- thinking of you. Hope today has been easier.

Just a lurker but dear God I can really hear your pain and I send you all the strength you need to get through this. Dreadfull times for you I hope hope hope your mum can get rest and peace now she is through the op. Another hurdle down. Another day faced.
x

Oh Kimi, I don't really know what to say. It is awful seeing a parent in so much pain.

I wish you and your mum strength to get through this difficult time.

I am just chatting with Kimi's sister on msn. She says her mum is feeling very low, but they are making sure someone is with her throughout visiting hours and planning a holiday to give her something to work towards.

It's all just so hard on the whole family.

Hi Kimi - have been reading your other thread and only just caught up with your news on this one.

I hope things are a bit calmer now. Your mum is very lucky to have you and the rest of your family there for her and I'm sure she will get a lot of strength from that once the initial shock is over.

FWIW My friends' FIL had his led amputated almost 2 years ago due to complications from diabetes. I don't know him personally, but from what I recall he was a smoker and not generally in the best of health, but he has pulled through OK. Hope this gives you something to feel more positive about and that things are on the up for you & yours soon.

Kimi I am so sorry to hear of your experience and how your mother has been treated. Sadly many doctors are still not trained in communicating properly with patients and trying to make such difficult situations that bit easier. As a doctor myself (although v junior) I always feel terrible when I hear stories like this.

I worked on a Vascular surgery ward with many people who had been in a similar situation, things will become easier. The physiotherapists are usually v good and with their help your mum may regain her mobility v quickly. the main thing is that the source of infection is gone.

It will still b very hard over the next few weeks but you really do need to think positive for your mum's sake. best of luck.

so sorry to hear that. hope things are improving now.

Thank god for morphine, mum as high as a kite but at least pain is less today.
My heart is breaking.
Need sleep but grateful for lovely RL friends and mumsnet friends.

Kimi, I just wanted to offer my support. You reminded me not to take my pain in the arse mum for granted the other day - feel heartbroken for you reading this.

She will come to terms with this, as will you, but it will take time. What a wonderful daughter you are. Take things one day at a time that is all you can do - from what you say, your mum sounds like she is stronger emotionally than you think - otherwise, i think she wouldn't have made it.

Keep strong, but remember that you need to take care of yourself too.

Spoke to mum who is a bit less drugged now, the Dr has been round, wound looking good and she managed a look at it, so that is a big start.
Will be going to see her soon.

DPs mum has arrived to help out with school runs and cooking, DP is going to get started on the paperwork today also. I am lucky to have such support.
Thank you everyone here too it helps to be able to vent here.

Mum very bad again tonight, we do not seem to be getting anywhere as no one has told us who we need to speak to about housing, money, what happens now. We were told mum would get a care package but nothing as yet.

Anyone know what I need to do now????
All advice welcome, may not get back till tomorrow though as if I do not go to bed soon I am going to collapse.

I would think their priority at the moment is your mum's medical care.

Once she is recovered and nearly ready to return home, I would imagine that social services will be contacted by the hospital OT's and they will sort everything out.

You shouldn't really have to do anything but that does not mean, in practise, that you won't have to do some chasing up.

For the moment, concentrate on your mum's recovery and don't worry about what she will need when she comes home yet. They won't let her go home until she has what she needs in place and will probably have to do a home visit first.

Thinking of you.

Hi, I'm afraid that some of these things take quite a long time to organise. I have known patients that have been in hospital a very long time just waiting for care packages to be organised. The process is basically this - once your mum has been declared physically fit for discharge (by doctors and physio) then a referral needs to be made to Occupational therapy, who will assess your mum's mobility and also visit her home to see if any adaptations need to be made e.g. downstairs living if she has stairs etc. The OT makes recommendations re care packages which need to be put into place by social services. After that, it is out of the hands of the hospital staff and a waiting game.

Its incredibly frustrating, but its best that you are prepared for the wait now then expect things to happen straight away when realistically they won't. on the bright side, it seems like ur mum has good family support which may mean she can be discharged much earlier.

Mums house is 15 miles from me, I do not drive.
It is a 2 up 2 down, she is a council tenant.
She has no savings and no assets, she lives on a state pension.
She was not good at looking after herself before, IE would not wash, make food ect so now she is going to find even making a cup of tea a challenge.

I can NOT have her live with me, I do not own my house and the landlord would not adapt it for mum, she can not live with my sister at the either who is jobless and more or less homeless (but that's another problem all together). So mum will have to stay in hospital until something is in place.

I love my mum to bit and I know it is early days, but I also know mum and she will sit and wait for it to be done for her, she will not want to learn to do it for herself, anything from form filling to getting to the loo.

sorry to sound so down but mum had a bad evening and she rang me at 2.40am but did not speak, so I don't know if she was laying on the phone or what, but I have been awake since then.

Hi Kimi

Don't know if you've already come across these websites, but looks like they might be helpful.

www.limblossinformationcentre.com

www.limbless-association.org/
This one is under construction but gives contact numbers. "The Limbless Association provides information and advice and support for people of all ages who are without one or more limbs. It has a nationwide network of volunteer visitors (within the UK) who are all amputees themselves, offering support and encouragement to prospective amputees, carers and those already trying to come to terms with limb loss or deficiency."

www.dlf.org.uk (Disabled living foundation)

Hope they are of some help.

Thank you molly

Blimey Kimi, you have so much worry and responsibility on your shoulders right now. Please don't worry about what's going to happen when your mum is discharged just yet, they won't just throw her out and expect you to cope. Concentrate on looking after yourself and getting your mum into a better state of mind if you can (no doubt easier said than done). Is she being given counselling to help her deal with what has happened? I wonder if you would benefit from that too? It's still very early days but it must be so frustrating for you knowing that your mum isn't really interested in helping herself. It's an awful situation

Kimi, it will probably be a good while before your mum is ready to be discharged from hospital. Please don't stress yourself now about how she will manage once she leaves hospital, just focus on the present.

As SS says, she will have a full OT and pysio assessment as to how she can mobilise and manage day-to-day tasks. This is taken into account when considering her accommodation, and whether it can be adapted or whether something different needs to be arranged. She will probably be allocated a social worker if she doesn't already have one and you will be advised as to what paperwork needs completing for benefits, etc. In reality, it could take weeks to get sorted out.

Look after yourself too.

Kimi, they can't make you look after your Mum they will try and pile on the guilt but social services will have to help.
My Mum has dementia and smokes over 100 cigs a day and she is basically trying to kill herself.
She will be 65 this year and i dread to think what will happen if my dad (who looks after her) gets ill as there is NO WAY i'm having her in my house and anyway my DH would not let her in the house anyway.
She can get violent and i don't trust her not to hit my DDs, also the cigs are a real fire hazard, she has already managed to burn their sofa and the duvet on the bed.
Just get onto social services and get her accessed and yourself as well, and then they will see that there is NO WAY you could look after her.

Thank you all

Kimi - I have only just seen this but wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours at this awful time. Keep on coming on MN and getting it off your chest - it really will keep helping.

I have no advice I am afraid, other than to take it one day at a time. Talk to her consultant and ask him for a date that a care plan can be set up, then make friends with his secretary and nag her.

Thank you all.
Mum tiny bit brighter today.

Mum seems very down today