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Original poster

I think I am going to lose my lovely mum

77 replies

KimiChristmasCake · 29/12/2008 20:04

My mum is 64, a smoker and a diabetic who since October has been on insulin, she has a very badly infected foot ulcer and has been told she will need a triple by pass as she is all blocked up in her aorta and tummy and legs.

She was in hospital for 3 weeks in October and was told she must stop smoking but has not and will not.

Her foot got bad over Christmas and so we took her back to the hospital and she has been admitted again, today the Dr has said that if they have to remove her leg she will not make it through the op, she needs the by pass to get the blood flowing better before anything can be done but she is not fit enough for the by pass, so if they do the by pass she will most likely die on the table the same as the leg, with out the by pass she will die as her heart will give out.

I am so so sad, I don't know what to do, mum has always had a morbid fear of dying and has had several breakdowns thinking she was going to die, as yet the Dr has not told mum any of the above, I know she is going to go off the scale when she is told...that will be tomorrow, my cousin who is a nurse practitioner is driving half way across the country to tell mum as we don't want the Drs to do it alone and I am a coward.

My sister and I have no idea how to help and it all seems so bleak right now, I don't want my mum to die, I love her.

My whole life is a mess right now and I really don't think I can cope any more, selfish I know.

It is a rock and a hard place as far as mums health goes. I am surrounded by people but I feel so so alone.

Just venting here really, if you got this far, thank you xx

OP posts:

Elibean · 31/12/2008 13:16

I'm so sorry, Kimi, what a hard, sad situation for all of you

I think smellyeli speaks sense, and fwiw I do remember being told that nicotine is actually far more addictive than heroin, as a substance. Your Mum will definitely need support if she's to stop, both physical and emotional. One of my favourite definitions of denial in addiction is of someone holding on to something that makes them feel as though they're wrapped in a warm blanket - if you pull it away too fast, they will grab it and pull it tighter to themselves, but if their surroundings are warm and safe they may feel braver about letting it go.

That said, a reality check from the doctors as eli says can be v v important too, I hope tomorrow's talk helps. Thinking of you, xx

missorinoco · 31/12/2008 13:31

sorry to hear this. hope today brings better news.

smellyeli · 31/12/2008 20:53

How did it go today? Thinking of you.

apollo11 · 31/12/2008 21:09

dear kimi,
am so sorry. your thread touched a cord with me. i am same age as you and my mum is dying too in a hospice. also the thought of how my kids will take it makes it even harder. i feel its so unfair as shes relatively young (60), but i know it happens all the time. my mum is kindof in denial too. the thing that helps me most is having to keep looking after and keep on going for my kids. and i know she would want that too. otherwise, my heart goes out to you.

Kimi · 02/01/2009 09:50

They have decided to take mums leg off on Monday A very abrupt Dr came and told her this this morning she is in bits and my sister and I are just on the way to the hospital now.

She is not strong enough for this we all know it and if by some mirecal she makes it through the op then what, she lives in a council house with stairs, how do we get her moved, where do we get a wheel chair how do wer help her, I know she will sit and wait to die she is not the sort to help her self at all.

I feel so alone and helpless.

missorinoco · 02/01/2009 13:34

After the operation the ward will sort things out like getting her up and about again and ensuring her home is suitable for her to return to.

Good luck for Monday.

Helsbels4 · 02/01/2009 13:45

Oh Kimi, what an unbearable situation. Have the drs given any hope to her coming through the operation (I suppose there must be otherwise they wouldn't do it surely?) Don't worry about afterwards for now, there will be support for you. They won't just discharge her and leave you to get on with it. You will cope and you will find strength that you never knew you had. (My mum died three years ago) and I too wanted to sit in a corner and watch the world go by without me and to this second, I don't know how I have coped/am coping but your children will make you get up and carry on. I hope that things go as well as they can.

Kimi · 02/01/2009 21:55

Long day, spent most of it with mum, I think she is still in denile about it all, I am not sure she has taken in the fact that she will be disabled and even making a cup of tea will be 10 times harder.
We spoke to the Dr and she told us that they would put us in touch with all the right places to get mum help after the op.
Mum has a 40% chance of not making it so there is a 60% chance she will.

I have let everyone know what is going on and I am lucky to have such good real life friends as within minuets of sending out text's I had loads back saying they were coming to visit mum, offers of lifts and school runs and so on.
I am also very lucky to have so many mumnetters to offer advice, support and hope and I am truely thankful.

DH1 (yes I am the one with the DH1 and the new DP) new DP and I took my sons out for pizza and explained that nanna was very poorly and would have to have her bad leg taken off as that was the only way she would get better. We also explained that she might not wake up from the op, or she may get very poorly afterwards and then she would have to go to Jesus. We also explained that if she gets better she will need lots of looking after and she will look differant. (mum is very worried that my boys will be scared of her with one leg) The amputation will be Monday moprning and they will take the leg 4 inches above the knee.

I am now drinking half a bottle of vodka, I shall have a good cry, play mama mia sound track full pelt, throw up go to bed and tomorrow I will start to deal with the fact I could lose my mum.

What ever God you kneel to please put a word in for my mum for Monday, and please call your mothers and tell them you love them as you never know when you may lose them. xx

emma1977 · 03/01/2009 00:18

Huge hugs Kimi.

At least there is a chance that your mum may make a recovery, albeit not as her fully able-bodied previous self. It may be that if the leg weren't amputated, there would be no hope. So, although it may not feel it, the decision to amputate is a positive one.

The hospital will help with the social stuff, so don't get worried about having to do all of that before.

My great uncle was also a heavy-smoking diabetic who had a leg amputated for gangrene when I was 5. I remember it happening vividly, as he too wasn't expected to survive unless he had the surgery. I wasn't at all frightened of him having only one leg after the operation, I was more intrigues if anything. Kids adapt to things surprisingly well.

Hope all goes well on Monday.

Kimi · 03/01/2009 00:32

Thank you emma,
We have tryed to make light of it for mum, DH1 told her the good news was he has found a byer for her slippers on ebay , she wanted to see him as she said she needed him to come and take the piss as that would make her feel better.

He spoke to her on the phone and was in tears.
Just about everyone is going to see her this weekend, DS1 is not going and I wont make him, he needs to deal with it in his own way he is only 12, has tourettes and a 148 IQ.
He has been very ticky since we told him .
Mum was the first person to hold him and has always been very close to him and him to her.

I need to prop everyone else up at the moment, then I can come here and ask mumsnetters to prop me up, and I know they will.

fortyplus · 03/01/2009 01:03

Kimi I feel so sad for you. I lost my dad when he was 72 and had given up an 80 a day fag habit 18 years previously so he could have a bypass. He managed it otherwise he would've died at 55. But I still found it hard not to be angry at him for smoking the bloody fags for so many years and doing all that damage to himself. Selfish of me, I know.

Everything crossed for you mum on Monday

fortyplus · 03/01/2009 01:08

As for the practicalities...

When she's had the op you'll get loads of help. Your mum could move to sheltered accommodation - most councils will pay her to downsize so that will be a bonus. Where I work we pay £750 per bedroom plus moving costs, so if she's got a 3-bed council house she'd have £1500 to move to 1-bed sheltered accommodation. There are wardens on call and a lifeline service. She would have a pendant with a button to press if she needs help.

It must be crap for her to think of losing her leg but she won't be some bedridden cabbage. I see people in my job who have great lives despite stuff like this.

Helsbels4 · 03/01/2009 11:11

Kimi, hold on to the fact that your mum has a 60% chance of coming through this, so the odds are in her favour. I really do have my fingers crossed that all goes ok. I can understand that you're angry and frustrated that she wouldn't give up smoking but my mum had smoked for years and then suddenly gave up one day, only to die from cancer eight years later. My dad still smokes now but I don't nag him about it nearly as much anymore. It's hard but sometimes the damage has already been done. Stay positive as much as you can x

Kimi · 03/01/2009 13:08

Thank you all again.
I will be going off to the hospital in a while. DS1 will not come but I wont make him go, he said he will come tomorrow.
Taking DS2 today.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 03/01/2009 13:18

So sorry to see this Kimi. I really hope that all goes as well as can be expected.

Look after YOURSELF too though.

missorinoco · 04/01/2009 14:34

good luck for tomorrow

Helsbels4 · 05/01/2009 09:30

Thinking of you today Kimi. Hope everything goes smoothly x

TotalChaos · 05/01/2009 09:36

best wishes for the op today, thinking of you and your family.

Helsbels4 · 05/01/2009 19:06

Hope it went ok Kimi. Been thinking of you and your mum today xxx

Kimi · 07/01/2009 07:09

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD this is a nightmare please someone wake me up.
Mum had the op yesterday, she was given a spinal block, and she is so turmatized, also almost the whole leg has gone.
She was only being given oral painkillers and so when they tried to move her to a support bed she was screaming, it was the most blood running cold screams, please please no no your hurting me, i'm dying, where's my leg.
My sister ran out of the ward.

I know mum will never get past this her mental health is not good enough.
I don't know what to do I really don't, I have got to go back to the hospital soon and I wish I did not have too.
I wish I had not taken her back there in the first place, I wish it would all go away.

stillenacht · 07/01/2009 07:15

Kimi - sending you all our support from me and my family here. Your poor mum and poor you - i don't know what to say - sending you all peace at this time xxxx

Kimi · 07/01/2009 08:08

Thank you.
I just want to wake up from all this, I would not wish this on anyone

Elibean · 07/01/2009 10:09

(((Kimi))) what a nightmare for you, your sister, your mother....

I would think your mother is pretty scared right now, which may make pain feel worse, iyswim, but if you suspect she needs stronger pain meds can you talk to the doctor about it? I've had spinal blocks twice, and they are very effective, but its sort of weird to recover from because you think you are totally aware and present, but (given the massive amount of meds given during it) actually reality gets quite distorted. Hard to explain, but when I look back on the first day or two afterwards, its a blur - at the time, I'd have sworn I was utterly clear and present.

I really really hope the day gets easier for your mother, her pain meds get adjusted if necessary, and that the day then gets better for you too...thinking of you.

Helsbels4 · 07/01/2009 11:26

Hope today was better Kimi. It must be terrifying and heartbreaking for all of you. If your mum needs stronger pain-relief then you must make a nuisance of yourself if need be and fight for what she needs. I think you also need to speak to the drs and find out exactly how things stand. Stay strong.

anorak · 07/01/2009 11:40

Kimi, love, you HAD to take her. If you hadn't she would certainly have died from the infection. I feel awful that she has had to go through this, but she needs to be braver for once, and try to accept that this was the only route left to her, after her poor personal care. This is not your fault, if you hadn't intervened she'd be dead by now, and I feel terrible that you are being made to feel guilty.

She needs to understand that life is still worth living, she can still spend time with her grandsons with or without a leg, she can still go everywhere with help, she can still eat and drink and watch her favourite TV shows, all the things that she enjoys are still there - it's just going to take her a while to come to terms with this, of course.

Just keep on doing what you're doing. I hope you can get on skype today so we can have a chat. I send all my love to everyone. x

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