Genital herpes - WTF?!

[gennyfromtheblock]

Name changed because… well I am mortified.

I’ll try and give some brief background. Have never had any symptoms of herpes of any kind. Was married for 10+ years. After we split I had an 18 month relationship.

Both of these men cheated on me, I ended it when I found out and had full STI screening after each.

A few months ago, I started dating someone. He said he had recently been tested, I am on the pill so about 12 days ago we had unprotected sex.

Within 3 days I was in agony. I put it down to being perimenopausal and possibly “dryer” down there than usual. However the pain got worse and worse. I went to my GP on Monday this week and she referred me straight away to the sexual health clinic.

Nurse was very very lovely, she took a look inside and she said she could see blisters around my vulva 😔 and suspected genital herpes. She took swabs and bloods but started me on antibiotics and antivirals anyway.

The pain when urinating, sitting down, is absolutely excruciating. Not to mention I feel completely wiped out and sick!

I cannot believe this has happened to me 😔 I feel utterly humiliated.

Nurse said the first outbreak is often the worse symptom wise. I finish my antiviral tablets this evening and I’m so worried because I’m still in a lot of pain!

As it happens, partner who I had most recently slept with, had been a bit of a knob this week (I told him I was having tests, but didn’t go into detail and he didn’t ask). But it’s got me thinking, did he know? I did ask him if he had ever had cold sores as he was showing me an old photo of him once and it looked like he had one, but he said no.

But in the future, if I meet someone new, will they run a mile?! Am I doomed to live in this pain multiple times a year? Can I pass it onto my children if I kiss them?

Are you sure he definitely got tested? Something seems really off. I think it’s time to leave and work on yourself, wait until you meet someone worthy, not rushing into relationships when they are still sleeping with other people.

I caught herpes from my ex partner who had no symptoms and never had.

My first outbreak was awful and exactly as you describe. I had another 3 months later which was much easier and another 3 years later which was so mild I didnt need meds.

I have had no further outbreaks.

I left this partner and was so so worried about how a future partner might react. But when I met and told my dh he really wasnt bothered at all. We have unprotected sex and he has never caught it from me, though obviously if I become symptomatic, sex would stop for a bit.

From reading posts on here, some partners will react like my dh, others will be bothered. My advice is to bring it up early when you are not in a sexual situation so they can digest and decide in their own time.

Be kind to yourself op. As my dh said when I told him, it is really just a skin condition and should not be stigmatised as much as it is. So many peoole carry it and it is actually quite common.

@Clemmie92He was adamant when we had the conversation he had been tested recently, but who knows if that’s true?

I don’t think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment, but who knows- I was blindsided by the last two men! 🫣

Thanks @sandrapinchedmysandwich- sorry you went through the same but it’s good to know future outbreaks may not be as bad.
There have been points this week where the pain has felt worse than childbirth! Like I could faint from the pain. And I can’t tell anyone about it so I’m just muddling along!

So pleased that your DH has been understanding. Can I ask, how do you know if you’re having an outbreak if the symptoms are mild?

Its so hard. I only told a select number of friends years later. I felt ashamed for a while even though I had no need to.

I used to get blisters on the same part of my labia so if I get what feels like an itchy spot on there, I treat it as an outbreak. Its been over a decade since I had this though. You might never have another outbreak after this one - lots of people only have one 🙏

From my experience

• it’s surprisingly common. They won’t all run a mile, some will, but some won’t and some will be relieved because they have it too. There are dating apps for people with herpes if you want to go that route.
• the first outbreak is the worse. They seem to fade over time, both in intensity and frequency, faster for some slower for others. Mine have always been stress related and/or pop up when my immune system is busy elsewhere sorting out a cold. Antivirals have helped at times.
• Do your own research about transmission etc To my knowledge I haven't transmitted it to my children even though I had it before they were born but it wasn’t diagnosed as HSV2 until they were late teenagers (mine mostly presents on the sacrum and was diagnosed as various types of dermatitis, psoriasis, eczema etc over the years). I also haven’t transmitted it to my DH of 20 years although I did transmit it to XDH who was asymptomatic until we divorced.

I won’t deny it has sometimes been a bummer and if someone developed a painful expensive cure I would go for it in a heartbeat, but it absolutely has not prevented me from being happy and having a very healthy sex and romantic life.

Thanks for sharing.

The itchiness is helpful to know. As it happens, I initially thought this was thrush as it was itchy in a certain spot, until it became so painful! So I’ll know what to look for in the future.

This is all really helpful, thankyou so much.

I’ve been so upset the last few days, imagining that I’ll be dealing with this forever and I’ll never have sex again!

I know there’s no permanent cure, but in terms of the antivirals, do they actually cure an outbreak or just stop it from spreading? Should I try and keep some in stock at all times?!

Sorry OP, it really does suck when this happens,, and as others have said, it is really common and a subset of people never have a symptom in their life while others have repeated outbreaks.

Whether someone has symptoms or not, everyone can transmit it so it’s possible your partner didn’t know they had it, or they might have known and not declared. You know them better than any of us here to trust which is the truth. I will add that you cannot test for it when asymptomatic (assuming you are in the UK), clinics only test the sores when they are present. This means plenty of people have it and don’t know.

For the meantime, focus on getting through this first outbreak, which is overwhelmingly likely to be your worst.

If you have genital herpes you can’t pass it on to your kids via kissing, the virus lives below the waist in a nerve, where most of the time, it’s dormant. For most, symptoms are an annoyance and easily managed, others never get symptoms, a subset are unfortunate and get frequent outbreaks. Only time will tell there.

RE partners, your sex life isn’t over, you will find many people are understanding. Just make sure you tell them so they have an opportunity to choose to proceed or not.

I’m sure it can lay dormant for years and flare up, so it could have been an ex partner.. but, would it show negative on an STI test if it was laying dormant.. I’m not sure how it works but I remember reading something saying it can stay hidden for a long time and go undetected. There’s a lot of information online that may help.

Having oral herpes doesn’t mean you’ll have genital herpes. But relying on him to tell you the truth about being tested recently was silly AND herpes can be transmitted when using a condom.

I agree with this… but what’s the alternative? Never having sex with a new partner, even with condoms? Or getting tested together?
I’m not being sarcastic but I’m genuinely unsure how I could have avoided this.

Both of my long term exes, as it transpired, were sleeping around. So it could have laid dormant for 18 months or 3 years.
However, my gut tells me it’s from the most recent man, but I guess I’ll never know

Personally I would want to see the evidence he tested and I would go do it myself too and show it.

I hope I didn’t come across as mean, it wasn’t intended. Ultimately there is a very large population who have genital herpes, just be very clear with people and make sure you aren’t sexually active during an outbreak.

Hopefully you’ll be ok and barely have any flare ups 💐 sorry you got unlucky and ended up with this

I dont think herpes is routinely tested for in an STD check. It can lie dormant for years and is usually diagnosed by testing fluid from active blisters. A blood test can test for antibodies but wont tell when you were exposed or where in the body you're infected.

My niece got herpes in her genitals from oral sex in her 20s. She is with a new partner who seems accepting and they've been together for a while now.

OP please take a look at this link. It’s the only thing you’ll need to read about herpes, it even covers your concern about kids!

https://herpes.org.uk/

From my own personal experience, I got diagnosed 12 years ago, first outbreak undeniably is the worst one. I’ve had a handful of outbreaks since, which have been mild, more annoying than painful. I have genital HSV1. I’ve also gone on to have 2 children. And when I told my then DP (now DH) of my diagnoses, he was fantastically supportive, and it really didn’t bother him. I worked myself up about telling him for weeks before I’d do anything! And he was fine. There is a big stigma and shame, I get it.

I promise you’ll get through this. And this link really will help.

Also wanted to add, for reassurance, my DH has never caught it

Can I pass it onto my children if I kiss them?

No, it's on your genitals.

Have you got HSV1 or 2? You'd be verrrry unlucky if subsequent outbreaks were this painful again.
The first time I had an outbreak I was in outrageous pain, I felt so ill... It was awful. Since then maybe I've had one outbreak a year but never as bad... And in the past few years I've not had any.

Routine STI tests don’t check for Heroes because you can only test for it with a swab of infected lesions. So it is possible that he had a recent STI test & it was clear for what they tested (Cham, Gon, HIV, Syph, Hep).
it is also possible he knew he had it because he would likely have had an outbreak at least once.

Thankyou. I didn’t mean to come across abrasive. I think I’m just upset this has happened to me

Thanks for this link! The lovely nurse who did my swabs told me about this website but it was whilst another nurse was taking my bloods so I was a bit disoriented and overwhelmed. I’ll take a look now. X

Results not back yet but looks to be genitals only. Have never had cold sores or anything on my face. I haven’t kissed my children in days (they’re very young) for fear of infecting them which has been so hard. Also think I’m going to tear my hands off because I’m washing my hands so frequently.

You're not going to infect them from your kisses ! Why are you avoiding kissing them and I will try to explain why it's safe to do so.
The virus will not travel inside your body from the genitals to the mouth.

Additionally it is not transmitted by hands.
You really need to read the herpes website.

Sorry should have said, the sexual health clinic gave me some numbing cream for the sores which I’ve been using (not great) after I pass urine, and said not to share towels at home, which has made me super paranoid.

You’re right I need to read up on this more.