Terrified and embarrassed after yesterday’s dentist visit.

[Cherryboop]

Hi

Sorry this is a really long one but I’m really embarrassed about yesterday’s dentist check up I had and I have no one to talk to so please don’t judge me, I’m already beating myself up over it.

So this was my first time going to the dentist since right before Covid started and I was already quite nervous as I had been trying for a while to get a NHS appointment but I knew my teeth needed work and I was also in pain so I decided to book a private appointment instead.

when I got there I told the dentist that I knew my teeth needed work and I was a little nervous and he reassured me it would be fine. However after he checked my teeth and x rayed them he started to really lecture me about my dental health and seemed to think I was lying to him about my diet and lifestyle (which I told him was far from perfect but he wasn’t happy with any of my answers and I was being as honest as possible) and he was trying to get me to admit that I drink fizzy drinks (I only drink water and only ever have apart from I tried a few alcoholic drinks in my teenage years) that I ate sweets (I don’t like sweets but admitted I do have a lot of chocolate and always had done as that is my favourite food but he told me chocolate has nothing to do with this) and even suggested that I must have smoked and drank in my teenage years. (Never ever smoked and hardly ever had any alcohol and it has been over 6 years since I last tried anything other than water). He then told me I was lying about the last time i went to the dentist and he would guess I hadn’t been in about 12 years.

At this point I asked if my teeth were fixable and he said they were to an extent but it would take up to 8 sessions. I tried to leave to go and pay and book in for my next appointment to start treatment but he continued to question and quiz me on why my teeth were so bad (honestly I have no idea why my teeth are so terrible I tried to give him a few reasons but he kept telling me that they were just excuses) at this point I started to cry because I started to realise just how serious my teeth health must be in for a dentist to be so shocked and perplexed about the state of someone’s teeth. He also told me that my children’s teeth was in my hands and going by my teeth they have no hope. (My children go to a different dentist every 3 months and they’re booked in for 2 weeks time so I will make sure that I’m doing the right things for them and what I need to change for them after this so hopefully I have time to save theirs) I apologised and told him I wasn’t lying to him and he told me he doesn’t care if I lie to him as it’s myself that I’m lying to.

He said I could leave after I agreed to look back at pictures over the last 15ish years and to rack my brains to find the cause of why my teeth were so bad. After I paid I said I will call up to book my next appointment because I need to sort childcare but in reality I’m too terrified to go back now.

I’m so embarrassed and scared that I won’t have the right answers for him again but I don’t want to leave my teeth any longer while they’re already in such a bad state. And after his reaction I’m terrified to go to another dentist in case they react the same way or worse.

It’s been nearly 24 hours since my appointment and I’m still crying over it and haven’t been able to sleep all night as I feel disgusting to have these teeth in my mouth.

Thank you for reading if you got this far x

That kind of shaming is totally unacceptable. I went for the first time in years last year - the attitude was very much “well done, you’ve done really well to get in here, now let’s see what the problems are and what we can do to fix them”.

Your teeth are clearly not about to fall out if you “only” need fillings (rather than extractions or more complex treatment).

My dentist said I was doing all the right things in terms of oral care (brush using an electric toothbrush twice a day, floss and mouthwash every evening), and recommended I use teepee brushes as well, which you can get in Boots or similar. I eat more sugar than I should, but try to keep it to after meals rather than as a standalone snack.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what you’re eating unless you eat your body weight in Haribo Tangfastics and full fat Coke every week. If you eat a normal diet, this has probably built up over time and through pregnancies and once the fillings are done (assuming they’re needed) and they’ve done a good clean, things will be much improved.

im so sorry OP .. what a nasty piece of work you encountered . Please find another dentist

Absolutely shocked at your treatment OP, especially at a Private Dentist, there is practically one on every corner where I live, so competition is steep.

Have just been removed from my own NHS Dentist list having not attended for just over 2 yrs (that's the normal procedure apparently)
One of the Dentists was always grumpy. On the young side and I just didn't like him and his comments, but he wasn't rude (just always seemed to be in a bad mood)

That's no excuse for my non attending though and I'm searching for a new NHS one.

Private Dentists should be extremely easy to find.

BTW, there is no data base shared between Dentists (unlike medical records) & you may find another Dentist has an alternative opinion and ideas going forward 💐

I get a lecture every time I go in, although it's usually the hygienist who gives me the biggest telling off. Once your teeth are bad it's hard to please them! I wish I could grow new teeth and start again. I do my best but it is what it is.

Well done for keeping on top of your kids teeth - that's where our problems all began. I think bad teeth is one of the most prevailing indicators of growing up in poverty.

As you are paying for a private dentist I would definitely change practice. A dentist should be reassuring and encouraging you to take care of your mouth. I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience.

Tbf his job is to find out why OPs teeth are decaying, and help her prevent further decay, not just "fix the teeth" when problems occur, there's only so many times you can fix the teeth before your looking at dentures.

But the manner he went about it was completely wrong, he sounds unpleasant and arrogant. And also incredibly stupid if he thinks sweets are the only thing to cause decay. I also find it bizarre he was so shocked by 5 fillings

5 fillings isn’t that bad! I was expecting to hear about much more severe tooth problems after that lecture from your dentist!

I’d be looking for another dentist, especially as it’s a private dentist. There’s plenty of dentists out there who’ll treat people’s teeth without trying to make them feel like shit.

When I had my first dental checkup after Covid I was told I needed 10 fillings (bad teeth run in my family), and the dentist sorted all that out without the slightest hint of a lengthy blame-filled inquisition on my lifestyle.

This isn't normal, OP (the dentist's behavior, not yours). Please try somewhere else. I work in a dental surgery and our dentists would never speak to a patient that way.

OP find another dentist. My teeth are truly heinous & admittedly to be honest I’ve put up with that sort of talk from NHS dentists, but not the private work I’ve had done. Mine are the result of an eating disorder when I was younger, so self inflicted. But if I’m spending 6 months council tax on a single tooth privately then I expect at least to be treated with bare minimum customer service. When you’re paying that amount, & if he’s telling you 5 sessions then it won’t be pennies, you should go through it with someone respectful who doesn’t interrogate you to the point of tears. It’s stressful enough. He’s a bully. I’m sorry this happened to you.

I’d have said who do you think you’re talking to and walked out. Rude bastard. Don’t go back.

Is there a practice manager - worth having a look on their website and emailing if so as this is terrible.

Don't let it put you off going somewhere else though as you'll end up in terrible pain.

He had no right to bully you like that, OP. Please don’t beat yourself up about him and his unprofessional, inappropriate behaviour. You are not at fault here.
Start researching other dentists in your area when you feel ready. And it might be worth considering a complaint; stand up to him.

An extremely rude dentist. Another vote for go and see another dentist. It’s this sort of attitude that puts people off going and adds to the poor state of people’s teeth.

@Cherryboop its not you, it’s a him problem. As for the amount of treatment - that is really only a small amount of work, he’s really done a number on you making it seem like so much. But please see another dentist.

This is such a common issue and can be so damaging to people’s relationship with dental care. I would start by reporting his behaviour to the practice and then escalate further if you feel it necessary.

The process is explained here.

Find another dentist. I switched an NHS one because a) I was annoyed he did my check up with my 13 and 15 yr old DSs in the room which I felt was inappropriate; and b) he lectured ME about my 15 year old’s less than perfectly clean teeth, as if I could force a stroppy teen to floss nightly. He himself was about 24!

In the past, I’ve also had the ‘OMG, who did THIS crown?’ - from a dentist. I reminded him that he had.

Also, in Australia 25 years ago, a (private) dentist decided my jaw pretty much needed reconstructing from scratch, we do an instalment plan, it’ll take 2 years and cost £10,000.

No, mate.

Go elsewhere.

Go somewhere else, a bad dentist just compounds the problem of people not wanting to go in the first place and makes dental health worse as a result.

That is no at all normal behaviour - are you self funding? I would be very cautious - it sounds like he is trying to run up a massive amount of work for himself to me. I would check reviews and get a second opinion.

Dentists annoy me with the lecturing.
I have 4 kids. 3 have no cavities at all. The 4th has terrible teeth in terms of cavities. The number of lectures I have listened to about how he needs to not eat sweets every day (he doesn't) etc. it's clearly down to genetics - and it's recently come to light that he has bad acid reflux.

The illogicality that I was apparently supervising 3 of my kids for brushing and ensuring they didn't eat too many sweets and fizzy drinks whilst preventing my other child from brushing, and stuffing him with sweets, didn't appear to occur to any dentists over his whole childhood.

5 fillings is going to be around £1500 privately. Do you really want him to have your money?

Maybe he is thinking there is more going on? I have sjogrens which stops you producing saliva that then in turn causes teeth to crumble. Just a thought.

I wouldn't see a dentist who lectures and rants about diet and lifestyle choices. And embarrassed me.

Mine is incredibly chilled and never ever says anything bad. All he does is try and fix problems. I was terrified before I started seeing him. Needed 14 composites (top ten teeth are more composite than actual tooth) so several sessions. Fast forward two years and my teeth are fantastic.

I was open about my past ED, past lack of dental hygeine during depressive periods, and my lifestyle choices of smoking and drinking coca cola. Which he never criticise me for. Top tip though, always use a straw!

So there's no need to be lectured if you just tell the truth. Your one clearly doesn't have the right bedside manner.

So I'd say try and find a dentist who won't be judgemental and make you feel embarrassed or sad.

But definitely do get your teeth fixed. You'll feel so much better and happier once it's done. But it's a lot of money so choose carefully.

Well if that was the case he shouldn't have accused the OP of lying and instead said something like, "There are some conditions that can cause issues with teeth. Do you have any problems with a dry mouth?", or whatever questions would be relevant, instead of having a go at her.
If she really doesn't have any of the bad habits he mentioned he should be looking see if there's something else going on as there is in your case.
My mother had problems with her teeth crumbling and that was due to medication she was taking.

Awful! Much of the time it’s personal care, but also much of the time it’s genetics. All my family have needed fillings, extractions, crowns etc from an early age despite brushing twice a day, not drinking etc. But all straight white teeth.
My ex husbands family all crooked teeth needing braces but never had a filling into their 60s despite smoking, drinking etc

Your dentist is extremely unprofessional especially after you said you were nervous, I would change dentists and say why.

What an arse. I feel sorry for good dentists that he is damaging the reputation of the profession.

Being a good dentist includes not being arrogant, offensive and nasty - obviously. God knows why he thinks that was ok because it definitely wasn't. Hes a bad dentist. Don't go back, find a good one instead.

I was going to say this, pregnancy (2 close together) caused me huge dental problems and aging has a big impact too. I started with a new dentist after a few years of neglect and I’ve had various treatment. I was given diet/lifestyle advice but never judged. My treatment is always explained and planned, I’m given a quote which I have to agree and sign. If treatment and ongoing care is going to be longtime, I’d say get another dentist and be prepared to travel.