Love, Love Will Pear Us ATart, Again - 10 / 10 splinter thread

[FrannyandZooey]

Do what you like

It's anarchy

oh Bee. sympathies. Garden centre sounds perfect.

Is today a bank hol in the UK? it is here.

morning bad veggers

Greeny we used your ruddy title and you haven't posted on there you disagreeable fucker

I haven't done anything bad yet this morning so have nothing to report on here

avi as you need the time I would try unless he hates it

Morning.

I am a bit confused but have plumped for this thread (even though I am not a cool girl) because I love Love Will Tear Us Apart

Poor you and ds Bee, I think the garden centre sound like a nice idea though

Bero, I do think that loneliness can make you more insular. Despite my best efforts I feel isolated where we are atm, and I reached the stage long ago where I didn't want to go out or meet people any more.

Avi I would give it a go, but if you don't like it and he doesn't... Has ds said why he doesn't want to go?

Oh oh, just remembered, ds did a wee on the toilet for the first time last night!!! Where does the Do Nothing School of Parenting suggest I go from here?

I live in a small section of the city where everyone seems to have similar views/tastes/parenting styles etc, and tbh, it can be a bit nauseating, or at least claustrophobic from time to time. It is certainly not representative of the whole city and can be like living in a bubble, a cosy one, but still, sometimes I feel like smoking at the school gate or going to the shop without it being a social event.

That sounds ungrateful, I am glad most of the time, but sometimes a litle anonymity would be refreshing.

I have had loads of toast ffs, with butter and marmite and then loads more with chocolate spread and it was lovely. I might have to tether myself to a post or something.

oh and greeny, it wasn't my idea to ditch the first thread, no, I was just taking my time and tidying up and what do you know, it's pear tarts all round with brassicasalong the way.

Have we ever had two threads before, farnny?

I can't decide where to post. So will post everywhere I can.

I am looking at bananas.

Oh Bero. It is hard I think. I have a tendency to turn inwards - but I have never found that particularly lonely EXCEPT when all dcs were small, and we kept moving about the country all the time like mad people. Three different babies born in three different places within four years. Small children can make you feel lonely I think when you don't live in a community you know.

The best thing though is that you have pin pointed it. You know what it is, and that is something. Quite an important something I think.

Honestly, I think it passes as the children get older. School brings people out the woodwork, and also you start to stretch out a bit into your own life and that makes for a less lonely existence. So, I think it is a bit of both - small children, strange town.

I don't know how you combat it. I never worked out whether you go out to find people and then spend the afternoon thinking 'why am I here?' or whether you sink further inwards. Perhaps do both - enjoy your children, find things to do, keep expectations low and know it will pass. Also perhaps look at doing something enjoyable in the evenings for you - not to make friends necessarily, though that would be good by-product - but just to have a nice time. Like a pottery or art class or something?

I haven't got any good advice for bero but am glad other people have

I've got two extra children here and they are face painting one another and making pirate hats and crowns
I've made a giant nut roast with rice and onions and mushrooms and cashews and almonds and sunflower and pumpkin seeds in
plus new pots and salad for dinner

my fanjo hurts
there, that is not bottom talk
or is all down below talk taboo?

I think what I am trying to say is that when you feel a bit rootless or untethered to a place, having small children compounds that problem. I'm not sure why. I think it is all the battling to keep your head above water. So it isn't that you shouldn't be in Berlin, it is that it is difficult to look after small children and be in Berlin, whereas you think it'd be easier if you were at home. But in all probability it wouldn't. So you have to think about everything as an adventure. That's what I did. It sort of helped.

[ignores Franny's fanjo]

Also - happy by-product of all this silly moving all the time and being a bit insular is that we are v. close as a family. Which is nice. And now we have finally moored somewhere we will stay, we are still close but everyone is off doing their own things and building their own lives. And that is nice too.

Well dd is only 6, so she's not exactly building her own life, but I hope you know what I mean.

OMG. I have laboured this point haven't I? Sorry. Has made me think though.

fine
I see

I feel lost

I don't know where to post or why

[head spins round]

if bottom related it's the other one TF
otherwise you are safe on here apparently, but may get ignored if deemed too close to bottom chat, and may get called a cunt by Greeny

So if I talk about my bottom, I may get called a cunt? Oh the irony

Happily my bottom is in good working order, the rest of me however... I am queasy and achy and bleugh

I need toast f&v

Right, we are back. The playground is lovely, incredibly well thought through (well, apart from the sand). Then iced coffee/chocolate and long walk home. I know I must make Berlin sound like paradise, so that you all think 'ffs, what's she moaning about?' (thank you everyone for tolerating said moaning) - and it is rather fab, in fact, in many ways - but I am definitely lonely here. 100x - you have put your finger on it - you are very empathetic and clever I feel very much like this - not knowing 'whether you go out to find people and then spend the afternoon thinking 'why am I here?' or whether you sink further inwards'. I don't want to just be with expats - I speak German like a native, dh is German and I don't feel expatty -, but sadly a lot of Germans would, at least in part, want to be friends with me in the hope of getting free English tuition/translations/corrections - I have several years of bitter experience of this and tbh can't be bothered any more. I'm going back to work 2.5 days in August (financial necessity - I with probably never be able to afford to be a SAHM) - the work suits my abilities and I have wonderful working conditions and colleagues, but I have to get away from the job lonmg-term and back into research, or I will become unhappy. So I really need to get moving on that.

One of my NY resolutions (my only one, in fact) was to take singing lessons. If I had trained my voice earlier I probably could have done something with it professionally. I reckon it's too late now, but I don't want it to turn into some silly regret. So I will find myself a teacher Twont be evenings though (ds2 and sleep ) - but dh can be there most late afternoons, thank goodness.

It is the battling. Several aspects of Berlin are quite frankly a battle.

Sorry sorry sorry for self-absorbedness. Will be back later - ds1 has just come and said 'Would you like to bath your footies?' - dh has put the mini-paddling pool on the balcony. Oh fgs, I should stop moaning. Life is good.

"Three different babies born in three different places within four years." - wow 100, that does sound like an adventure! What you say is really interesting and thoughtful and helpful (I know the advice wasn't intended for me but is very pertinent to my situation atm)

I took a picture of ds feeding the other day. I have tried to make a point of capturing it on camera each birthday, as I think it will be nice to look back on, but was a bit late getting round to it this year.

Berolina what a brilliant idea on the singing lessons, if I were you i would join a choir if your voice is half decent even without lessons. It's a wonderful lift to sing in a choir.

100 has a good point and I think one actually needs to spend a bit of time thinking "why am I here" with people quite often there's a nugget or people turn out quite differently than you'd expect. Also the school run by god you get enough company and small talk each week to last you an entire year if that's the gap.

anyway just had the most delicious mango plus a load of other stir fried veg

sorry about tetchy fanoir fran
i talked about my bottom and had a lot of sympathy and not called cunt but maybe the river of bottom sympathy has run dry

it is dh's birthday and we have had bollinger thai picnic and mahvellous sex

i'm trying to emulate osmosis l but it doesn't sound right

I kind of understand where you are coming from Bero although to a far lesser degree - I live in a small market town in the arse end of nowhere and I found, in fact still am finding, it very hard to settle and feel part of the community even though I've been here for nearly 10 years now. Everyone knows everyone else round here, all their grandfathers drank together and their grandmothers gossiped together and to a large extent the locals are wary of "outsiders". Working doesn't help as I work in a different town to the one I live in so friends I have made at work live nowhere near me, and unfortunately I rarely see the few friends I made locally whilst on Maternity Leave as I am at work or visiting relatives a lot of the time.

DH is fairly happy with the status quo as he is an insular person but I am more outgoing and I like having good friends around me - a lot of the time I am incredibly lonely and it causes problems as all he can see is that I am not happy just being with him and dd and he can't understand why that isn't enough for me.

Well, now I have got that lot off my chest, back to Bero

I think going back to work may well help as you will be making friends at work as yourself rather than as someone's wife or mother or a free ticket to English lessons. The singing is a fantastic idea. I am massively , I would love singing lessons.

Oh yes, stuffit is quite right, singing in a choir is wonderful. I sang in my University choir for a while and I loved it. As long as you have a reasonable voice, can carry a tune and can read music you will have no problems.

at all this marvellous sex

Bero know exactly what you mean. I moved away from all my friends when dd was a baby and for ages met people through toddler groups but no one I really clicked with. I was quite unhappy for a couple of years really. What kept me sane was friends from London regularly coming to stay - can you make sure you get time with your close friends? Organise weekends to go and see them or have them come and see you? Can really pick you up having some time with good friends to just talk and enjoy their company.

Lately I've met a couple of people I really like with a similar sense of humour and it's made such a big difference. It is quite lonely being at home with children - but people do come into your life unexpectedly - joining groups, or making sure you get out and try different things can really help.

the thing i like to bear in mind is that when you're lonely it seems like everyone else is v self-possessed and replete with friends, but that just can't be true. we all need mates on varying levels and who wouldn't welcome a wee berolina into their inner circle if they but knew she was available? a choir sounds like a great place to start, bero.

and as for you, boco, if i lived near you i'd bring you strawberry tarts and admire your work and it would be great. fortunately for you two i live neither in Berlin or whichever godforsaken english borough boco inhabits.

That'd be lovely Aitch. Shame really, you'd just love it here, all the big wicker heads and feudal land laws and strange rural customs, we'd have a right laugh snaffling in the hedges for curldecews.