Daughter with hairy legs

[cp5kc]

Hi I have a 10 nearly 11 year old daughter who has quite thick dark hair on her legs. Over the last couple of years it has started to bother her more and more. She won't go swimming with anyone except family and is worried about wearing shorts in the summer. I have tried to reassure her that it's totally normal and we all have it but if course what she sees is other women, including me, shaving or removing hair in any way. Many of her friends have hair on their legs as well but none quite as dark and "obvious". Does anyone have any tips to share on supporting her to handle this? What I'd really like to do is find a way to support her to cope with it until she's a bit older and mature enough to decide what she wants to do about it. Would love to hear others experiences. And yes I know I should probably stop shaving my legs etc too but it is a 30 year habit and deeply rooted expectation that I'm trying to break 🤷 I would love it if she could find the confidence to be proud of who she is and how she looks no matter what. But I also know that this is easier said than done for many tweenagers.

Let her have the hari remover in whatever way she would prefer if that's what she wants. I was very pale with very dark hair, and hated my mum for not letting me get rid of it.

My sons both chose to start having their eyebrows threaded before they went to secondary school.

Let her shave.
Make it a bonding mum and daughter thing.
If you try to dominate her choices now it will bite you in butt when she's 12 and at high school. She won't trust you and will rebel. You will regret it.

At 11 she's old enough to understand that we make decisions within a socially constructed framework. I'd try to get her to understand that there's nothing inherently 'unsightly' or 'masculine' (earlier comments on the thread) about body hair, and there are big cultural variations- but that we all make decisions influenced by society- as she can see you do.

Then provide her with the means to remove it safely. I wouldn't be comfortable with a child of that age waxing though, it's really painful and I don't think we should teach young women they have to go through pain (or spend loads of money and time on the regular) to be considered socially acceptable. When I was about that age my mum got me some silkimitts (do they still make them- it was a gentle option?) or a safe electronic razor would be my choice.

As an adult I sometimes do and sometimes don't remove body hair, but I've never given too much of a crap about what I'm 'supposed' to look like. 11 is quite young to be brave enough to develop a position on it though. If you keep talking about this stuff her position will develop as she goes through her teens.

Just support her to remove the hair. Why are you trying to get her to embrace it, when you remove your own?

It's completely normal to shave / wax / veet your legs.

I'd take her to get them waxed or teach her to shave them safely.

Please just let her shave. I don’t get women’s attitudes towards this when they shave themselves especially.
My mum wouldn’t let me and I had the mick taken out of me. I stole her razor one day and did it anyway. Instantly felt so much better. Realistically most women shave their legs if she wants to don’t be the barrier. She won’t end up thanking you for it if you refuse.

She’s bothered by it so you help her remove it. No brainer. So so weird and I think really actually rather cruel that you want her to embrace it when you, like the vast majority of women and girls post puberty remove it. Talk her through the options e.g. wax, shaving, veet cream and let her choose whichever she’d prefer. Restock supplies (or rebooked if salon waxing) as often as she likes.

I would offer her following options:

• Leave it.
• Get it waxed at a salon.
• Depilation cream at home which you could help with at first if needed.
• Electric shaver for at home which again you could help with first if needed.

I have dark thick hair but for cultural/religious reasons I wasn't encouraged to wear shorts or go swimming etc from about that age. I went to an all girls high school and it was not uncommon to see hairy legs in PE until we were in year 9 or so I think. But I'd wager times have changed with that too. I started hair removal on my legs in year 8 when we had to wear tiny shorts for PE. I told my DM and she bought me Veet hair removal cream and I cracked on with it for a few years before I decided to switch to shaving. I know she is younger but I can't see the point in prolonging the feelings of embarrassment. Surely if you yourself are too embarrassed to go out without shaving that's exactly how she feels? Seems cruel not to help her do anything about it when she sees you do for yourself.

"What I'd really like to do is find a way to support her to cope..."

Buy her a razor. I was a hairy child and hated (and still hate) hair. My mum took me to the waxing parlour when I was 10 and it was a dream come true

She's been upset about this for a couple of years about this. It won't go away. But you will be hurting your relationship with her.
She's nearly at secondary school. Help her shave.
Lots of mistakes I made at that age. I wish I could take back. Be prepared she may later shave her whole body. Arms stomach. Everything. My daughter does a great job of it.
They relax about it later.

I was 11 when my legs started getting hairy - pale skin, dark hair & lots of it. Used to get picked on in PE because of it and my mum wouldn't let me shave either.

You're not delaying adulthood by forbidding her from removing it, but the longer she has to wait, the more she'll develop a complex about it.

For goodness sake, let her remove it. Hair removal cream, waxing or shaving.

Definitely let her shave it. It actually makes it less of a big deal than making her keep it. My DD shaved her legs at 11, she tried safety razors, then hair removal cream a few times, then decided she couldn't be bothered and hasn't done it again since, it's been about a year now. I keep them both in the bathroom and make it clear it's no big deal, shave or don't shave, they're her legs, her choice. It always grows back so she can always become more confident with it and leave it to grow as she gets older if she wants to. She knows I don't shave mine so it's her choice. I don't think it's fair to force her choice you have to give them the options to think it through themselves.

Why aren't you letting her shave?

Let her shave. You are forcing your views onto her and dismissing her feelings.

If it bothers her now, she is mature enough to decide she wants her leg hair removed.

I'm interested to hear OP's explanation also.

If it's for feminist reasons, by removing her choice, you are actually doing a terrible job of teaching feminist values (whilst probably damaging your relationship with your daughter to boot).

It's her body and you need to give her the autonomy to make the decision to do what she wants to do. If she decides to shave, that's great. If she doesn't, that's great. Reinforce that it is up to her and it is fine to have hair or to shave it.

The point is not reinforcing the societal standard that she has to shave - but if you are forcing her not to shave, you are just as bad. Especially if you're shaving your own legs as well.

It's her choice. Give her some ownership.

It's bloody depressing that young girls who haven't even gone through puberty feel the pressure to remove hair. I'm honestly not sure what I would have done if one of my DDs had come to me at 10 to ask to remove body hair. Probably tell her that I think nobody needs to remove body hair, explain the history of hair removal in the west and how culturally specific it is. And tell her very clearly that if people are making horrible comments to let me know so I can speak to school about the bullies so it stops. But I never had a DD not wanting to partake in exercise because she was worried about what people would say about their legs. I think you have to be pragmatic about parenting as your children get older and I'm inclined to agree that letting her shave them while making clear that choosing to not remove hair is a valid choice is probably the best way to not maje it a big thing.

FWIW I rarely shave my legs (about once a month May to Sept) and never shave my underarms. My 14yo has never mentioned wanting to remove body hair (she has very little) and my 16yo shaves her legs fairly irregularly although she is now talking about shaving her arms. I've told her I think that a bit of hair on arms is quite attractive but she is old enough to make that decision for herself. Hoping once she does it she'll realise it's a faff and won't bother again.

Let her shave her legs

Took me until my early 30s to feel confident in skirts and shorts and going swimming again after my mum refused to let me deal with my leg hair and i got teased for it

In an ideal world she wouldnt need to give a shit about this. In the less than ideal world we are in don't let her childhood be marred by having to feel self consious about her body when she doesn't need to

Chatting with my mum about parent regrets a few months ago, and she said that the one that stands out was her being weird about me starting to shave now.

She doesn't have an explanation now, apart from it happened sooner than she expected and she didn't feel ready for it.

There was one girl at school whose mum didn’t let her shave her legs. We all felt really sorry for her as she was always miserable in games lessons but very loyal to her mum and always wanted to please her. We thought her mother was cruel for not supporting her daughter and getting her a razor. Don’t put your daughter through this.

Just let her shave (or alternative). I had very dark hairy legs and was teased at school. Eventually my mum let me shave but only once a week. Still to this day i dont know why she didnt let me do it and do it as regularly as i wanted. I was bullied over something that could be solved and it has permanently affected my self confidence

Honestly support her in removing it or she will find a way of doing it herself. It's already stopping her doing things, I'd recommend listening to her and responding to what she needs now.

What I'd really like to do is find a way to support her to cope with it until she's a bit older and mature enough to decide what she wants to do about it

I really don’t understand your thought process here.

I dread the day this happens with my daughter as I am also the generation of full body waxing and it does not set the example I want her to live by!

In this scenario, I would research different hair removal options with her. Maybe even make a PowerPoint of all the pros and cons of each and put it on the TV so we can flick through and discuss together. The aim for me would be 1. She understands all the different options 2. Knows what would be more/less permanent and 3. Is able to make an informed and empowered decision.

I recently got laser hair removal, when I was researching I found some instances where grown women’s mums had got them laser hair removal on say their arm pits when they were tweens and as adults they feel sad about not having the option to have body hair. So I feel like whatever us parents do with these sorts of things, the children should be involved in the conversation!

I started shaving my legs around that age too. Just show her how to use a razor safely, specially around the knees - I kept nicking my knees as I didn't realise how to do it. Much easier to do with legs straight, than trying to contour over the knee when it's bent - at least that's my experience.

But why dread it though? I mean, you've invested time and money in laser removal so you're obviously pro-hair removal.

The PPT might just be overkill.