Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

BM- thanks- I don't go out very often, and when I have its always been a planned thing with a group of friends who know I'm not drinking. I do have to prepare myself mentally for it but its a great kick when you come in late from a night out, had a good laugh...and sober!This also gives confidence for the next time. I definately know what you mean though. I think we have to come out in stages to different people. Even though I have a really good group of friends there are only a couple who really know how much I drank.
Also. many people don't realise the extent of someones drinking. I remember one friend saying she couldn't understand how I could have the willpower to abstain for 4 months, but not be able to just have one drink. She said 'it's not like you're an alcoholic is it? You just like to have a drink' I was somewhat at a loss as to how to respond, but then she never knew the extent of it.

Flowertop- it sounds like you have a decent partner there. Sometimes when I was craving I knew I could ring up DP and he would buy me something, even if he didn't feel happy abput it.Remember you've done really well- are you starting to sleep better yet? It sometimes takes a while for the sleep thing to settle down.

Yep the emotional aspect of addiction is a bitch that stays way too long.

I'm so pleased to have found this thread! I fear that my drinking is taking over (have been a fairly heavy drinker since teens, am now almost 50)and since my husband left me 7 months ago my drinking pattern has changed. Am drinking approx one bottle of wine every other night, so between 3-4 bottles a week.

I nearly always drink alone and whilst a lot of the time it can really lift my mood and reduce stress, there are occasions when I become very emotional and do stupid things (like leave the house for another bottle while my 7 year old is asleep). I know that the only person who can decide whether you're an alcoholic is the person themselves but I'm still uncertain.

I can't bear the thought of giving up completely but would so like to be able to cut down and know how to cope with the overwhelming craving that seems to hit me at around 5pm most days! Great to know I'm far from alone and any advice welcome!

Mocca hi nice to have you here. There is loads of stuff on this thread which you will find really useful. I have found that the craving does pass if you hang on. For example I really crave around 6 - 8 pm so much so that last night I nearly gave in. I would say it is nearly as bad as giving up smoking. I would then say by about 9pm a) I am pleased that I didn't drink and b) the craving has started to burn itself out. Not sure if this is normal and I am only on day 5 but for me that is how it's been this week.

Thanks Flowertop! That's how it is with me, if I can ride it out, the craving passes - had been thinking having a bar of chocolate instead of opening the wine bottle! Well done if you're on day 5, great to know someone feels the same.

Hi everyone. It's great to have some newcomers on the thread.

Flowertop - your DH has had a change of heart then? Do you think that he's also concerned about the amount that he's been drinking and is relieved to be cutting down? I haven't got time to go back through the thread but I think it was you that was worried about how DH would react to you abstaining. Good luck for day 5

Mocco - glad you found us. My drinking had never been that healthy either but it really escalated when I went through a sad and stressful time a few years back. I can't recall how I felt but I suppose I didn't want to feel the pain and it was easier to shut it out with drink. Why do you have 3 days off a week? Are you recovering from a hangover on your days off or do you not crave on those days? The cravings do go if you're adamant that you're not going to drink. If I even toy with the idea that I could have a drink if I want to then I'm as good as drunk before I'm even at the off-licence. I have to know that I'm not going to drink and that keeps the obsessing at bay. I still get irritable and angry that I can't drink but those feelings pass quickly. It's torturous to try and control it with willpower though.

Teasle - other people giving their opinion on whether or not someone is an alcoholic really cheeses me off. It's such a misunderstood word and I think that contributes to the denial most of us go through before we finally reach our bottom and have to admit what we are. I casually told a friend that I'd given up drinking just to prove that I could and their reaction was 'why the f*ck have you done that?' This person probably knew more about how much I drank than anyone else did and had been on the receiving end of one of my drunken verbal attacks. I think it's hard for people that can control alcohol to understand why we can't. I'm the opposite - I can't understand how anyone can control it. My resolve is lost after the first drink, it doesn't matter what promises I make to myself - I can never stop until I've run out/passed out.

Anyway, getting ready to go to the cinema now. My mum is coming over to look after DS and I'm tidying up to avoid her tutting and complaining that she's had to spend the evening doing my ironing or cleaning my oven

Good luck on another sober day everyone.

I've read a lot of your posts BM, thank you so much for answering me! Hope it's going well with you, I feel I'm right at the beginning. I don't drink 3 days a week because I'm slightly hungover and have no craving at all (like today but I know tomorrow, come 5pm, I'll be absolutely gagging). Maybe this is a good thing but I know how easy it is to build tolerance. What really worries me is the nutter that I can turn into when I drink - it's like, who am I going to be tonight? when I open that wine bottle (preferred tipple).

BM yes it was me who was concerned about DH's reaction. No I don't think he has had a change of heart just think that this particular week he is kind of testing himself. He is very strong and when makes his mind up about something will stick to it. To be honest I think he doesn't have a problem with drink but just likes to drink. I think if he didn't have to drink for a couple of weeks he probably could without too much trouble. I believe I have the problem with drink because I really want to drink and find it hard to say no!
XX

Your drinking habits sound quite like mine Mocca. If I drink too much, I spend the next few days really not wanting to drink, then it slowly builds up again.

For the last couple of nights I've been too knackered to be bothered to drink much. It's a good feeling when a tin of beer is enough, or a glass of wine.

I had my op today and I don't know whether it just didn't hurt that much or whether the painkillers are fantastic. Time will tell.

The brilliant woman from Homestart came today to help dh and look after the girls, which was really nice. She says she really enjoys coming here which is very kind. The feeling is mutual!

BM, you sound like a different person than the person who started all this stuff off. It's really exciting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I've been rather searching for that bit of light recently.

I'm trying hard to find somewhere to live in the winter, but so far absolutely no joy whatsoever. I've found some potential work and certainly some voluntary work for when we are away.

The pressure of moving house is telling. It is far far worse than having a baby!

I am going to have a glass or 2 of wine tonight I expect, and I promise I won't post again when I'm drunk. It reminded me so much of when I made drunken phone calls. Ouch ouch ouch.

I am gobsmacked because an hour ago DP came home from work and presented me with a bottle of red wine. We had a big talk/argument where we went through everything to do with drinking patterns and history, denial etc.- I've been for a big drive to calm down but I was so cross I was actually shaking. He just for some reason today refuses to acknowledge that it will be impossible for me to 'just drink at the weekend'.WTF?
I told him that he's in denial because he wants to drink his cans of cider that he came home with too.
I'm livid, but feel better for writing it down. I'm just so upset now because Ithought I'd come so far and now I'medgy and shaking cos I've a bottle of (nice) red wine in the house.

Ho hum

I don't know our history Teasle but obviously having booze in the house is a huge temptation (same with me) and your partner should know better. Is he not facing up to reality? As you say, sounds like he wants you to drink so he can but you need to be firm with him. I'm struggling tonight, have just finished my first bottle of wine and headed for the second. Have my 7 year old D and her cousin here tonight, splashing happily in the bath. Feel totally dislocated from everything and like I just want to blank everything out. Trouble is, I'll wake up tomorrow, feel crap and vow not to stop. I'm killing myself and don't know how (or even want) to stop.

I drank a bottle and a half last night. I can't do it and I just blot out. Tonight, it's the fizzy water. I'm still reeling a bit from our prospective tenants who have asked for a further drop in the rent 2 weeks before they were supposed to move in. They have cited various reasons that they already knew about, and they have said that we have 'missing' furniture. They will provide the missing bits. They have treated us as though we are utterly stupid and I am so angry about it.

I know- from what you have written it seems like you are going through a really awful time. People say you have to not have that first drink, but I know that its hard. Don't be too hard on yourself, please. Are there any friends close by that you can see on an evening? Try to eat something and drink loads of water before bed- at least then even if you've had a drink you are trying to manage the damage tomorrow!

Sorry, cross posts, last one was to Mocca

Morning folks. I would definitely suggest (and I'm sure BM would back me up on this) that some of you would definitely benefit from attending AA meetings.

It's really difficult to be objective about your own drinking (especially if you have a partner who's facilitating it), and being in a meeting sharing with people who understand you really makes a differnce.

After a while, it's not about going to meetings because you are dependent on them per se. I have been going on and off for 6 and a half years, and the provide me with a safe place to talk about how I feel and what's going on in my life. It is, in a sense, just a targeted group therapy. And it works.

The worst thing we can do is bottle up (no pun intended ) our feelings, as the instant fix of alcohol is just too alluring. I think it's best to look on AA not as a last resort but a real positive move to making your life more manageable.

Alcohol is described as cunning, baffling and powerful because despite our best efforts (giving up for long periods, changing drinks, only drinking after a certain time), left to our own devices we'll more than likely relapse. It can be described in this instance as insane thinking - doing the same thing and expecting different results. It's only when we change our attitudes towards it that we can truly be free. I'd give it a go and see how you get on. What is there to lose?

I'm really pleased to open this thread everyday and see new (and regular) posters. This is like a mini AA forum, what we're doing is identifying patterns and behaviours to our drinking and that's crucial in recovery.

Thanks Teasle - I did drink loads and loads of water last night before bed which means I'm scaringly un-hungover today (but have no desire for a drink). Like you I had a bottle and a half last night hellobello, it's amazing how my tolerance has gone up. Like what you say about AA Kokeshi. I did go to a few meetings some months ago and found them truly uplifting. I've been thinking about going again but feel a bit of a fraud as I really haven't made the decision to stop drinking.

Mocca, I'd say that's a position most of us were in when we walked through the doors of AA. Stopping drinking was the last thing I wanted to do, and couldn't see a life without it.

It helps though that the foundation of AA for everyone (whether 20 mins or 20 years sober) is deciding not to drink for today. It's too difficult to imagine never drinking again. I still don't promise myself that.

The only desire for membership is a desire to stop drinking, but in reality most people attend at first because they realise it's too big for them to deal with alone. In time, in becomes easier but that foundation will always be there. I will only make a decision for today that I won't drink.

So don't feel like a fraud, you're in good company!

Haven't got much time as I'm off to meet my niece soon, but wanted to back Kokeshi up on what she says about AA. I had to force myself to go at first and it was all that I was managing to do in the first few weeks. I still don't always want to go but I know that I'll get what I need by showing up. I'm not 'working the program' really because I should have a sponser, a home group and be on to the steps by now, but I'm not ready for it yet. After the summer holidays I'll be able to settle into a routine with it and then I'll try and overcome my fear of rejection and approach someone about sponsering me. It's giving me what I need now though and I don't want to push myself harder yet.

Mocca - you don't have to commit to stop drinking before you go to meetings. You just have to want to apparantly, but you'll meet a lot of people there who didn't want to when they first started going. They just recognised that drink was having a bad impact on their lives and through meetings they found an alternative. Lots of people have told me that they continued to drink during the first few months of meetings. Lots of people have admitted to turning up to their first meeting drunk as well. (I was secretly a bit gutted about that as I was still very angry that I was coping without when it wasn't strictly necessary - obviously it doesn't matter anymore though).

You can just sit and listen at meetings. You don't have to introduce yourself or share anything unless you want to. I needed to know that at first as I was terrifed of speaking soberly, or even being noticed.

Have a great weekend everyone

Cross-posted Kokeshi

Thanks for your support - I'm sitting here on my second big glass of red wine feeling brilliant, knowing that the evening will end probably in tears. I'm not an idiot, so why can't I see how stupid I'm being? I think I'll try AA again and just sit and listen if need be (although difficult for me, as I love to let people know what I'm thinking!)Am drawing inspiration from you both BM and Kokeshi - both intelligent women who have overcome/are overcoming being in the grip of this seemingly innocuous stuff.

Hey Mocca et al. At least you are under no illusions as to where alcohol takes you. This is a huge step in beginning to recover. PLease stay with us here and let us know what's going on in the meantime.

My last post should have read "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking"

How is everyone else today@? I hope you haad a lvely time with your niece BrassicMonkey.

Ah Mocca, it's insane isn't it? We always believe that this time it will be different - before we have the first drink anyway. For me, the first sip is enough proof that I won?t be able to stop until I have no choice.

It?s great if you want to share at a meeting ? good for you! Don?t let what I?ve said make you think that you can?t join in. I?m just very shy and I don?t share unless I?m asked to. I wish I wasn?t though as I?d love to have the confidence to speak up and get whatever is on my mind out in the open, without interruption. Also, if you introduce yourself as a newcomer you?ll be much more likely to get personal support from other female members. You?ll be able to fill a new telephone book with numbers from all the women you meet and it?s great to chat one to one with someone that knows exactly what you?re talking about. I like the women?s meetings the best as I lost a lot of dignity when I was drinking and it helps for me to hear similar stories from other women. People are so honest and no-one judges. During the last month I?ve told other AA women things that I couldn?t even admit to myself before.

Take care of yourself tonight. Tomorrow is another day and if you just promise yourself that you'll try and get to a meeting one day next week, then you'll have made a good start. Keep posting xx

Hi Kokeshi ? plans with my niece fell through because my mum and dad have fallen out. I listened to my mum for 3 hours yesterday telling me how vile my dad is and slagging everyone off. Today I have changed the habit of a lifetime and I haven?t called to find out what has happened. I think I could do with some therapy to help me deal with my family, seriously. When these fall-outs happen I feel like a child again stuck in a situation that I?ve got no control of, but somehow I feel like I?m expected to sort it out. I?m worried about my mum but I?m so tired of all these problems.

Hope everyone?s had a good weekend.

Don't blame yourself for your family BM, I'm in the same boat, I love them and they drive me mad (especially my mum). I can't believe you're shy, you're so open here! Anyway, I've made sure I spend tomorrow in limbo feeling like crap and even closer to the edge!

BM, Totally identify with the dysfunctional family thing, as I go on in AA I'm realising just how many people are in the same boat. Sorry you didn't get to see your niece though, it's not fair that either of you should lose out.

And don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing brilliantly. There's no right or wrong time to start the 12 step programme - it's entirely up to you and how ready you feel. It takes me ages to trust people and ask things of them, but everyone is different. Don't be hasty to rush into it, you'll find someone who is perfect for you.

Tomorrow's another day mocca. Here's an AA meeting finder, just if you want to check out if there are any handy for you. When you're ready of course .

Hi mocca, how are you tonight? I hope today wasn?t as crap as you were expecting . I tried to post last night but my computer crashed on me and I?ve only just got it going again. I?m finding it really hard to cope with silly problems like computer break-downs without a drink. I?m so used to reaching for the bottle instead of dealing with anything.

I am very shy btw. I think that might be why I?m so open on here. I?ve got all this stuff that I can?t tell anyone in real life because I?m so paranoid about what people will think of me. It?s a lot easier to be honest when you know you can just switch off if it all goes wrong. AA is really helping me to get used to the idea of accepting myself and not being afraid of other peoples? reactions.

Hi Kokeshi ? yep, I?ve noticed it too. I haven?t yet heard anyone chair and say that they came from an average family. Not saying that every alcoholic comes from a dysfunctional family, but a disproportionate amount seem to.

I?m glad you agree about not rushing to find a sponsor. I know my triggers and if I choose the wrong person I won?t do the programme properly. I keep being told to keep it in the day, and forget about step 4, but that?s just impossible for me. I want to find someone who won?t laugh at the stupid things I?ve done and won?t be disgusted either. I suppose a mother figure is what I?m looking for, but I?m a pretty good judge of character and I think I?ll know if and when I meet her. If I?m not entirely comfortable with the person I know I won?t be able to do step 4 thoroughly.

How is everyone else today? I?ve spent hours and hours re-doing my paperwork. I?m half way through and feel so much better. I?ve dealt with Thames Water, who were threatening to cut me off and I?ve sent back the tax credits form (at last). DS?s bedroom is immaculate and I?ve got a stack of old toys in the hall waiting to go in the loft. It?s nice to relax after having a productive day.