I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

[amateurarsedoctor]

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

I am laughing so much I may actually be sick! This is a brilliant story (I was going to say thread but then started to think about the pile!).

I think I'd rather go to the doctor and have my arse in view than go in with a fucking elastic band swollen inside a pile and have to explain it all.

What is so funny about this is that as soon as you open the thread you get this:

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications, experience, or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk and cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you have any serious medical concerns we would urge you to consult your GP.

aad, are you tutter?

Message withdrawn

lol at the mumsnet warning. Justine could come round and check on your qualifications doc.

Justine is welcome to come and view my credentials any time. I trained at the Bodge it and Scarper School of Medicine.

I like the health warning I come with. That's cool!

No I'm not Tutter.

pointydog

why would i be aad, may i ask...?

Amateurarsedoctor, I am so glad I found this thread, otherwise I would not have understood why somebody would think I was YOU!
Thread Here

Untill you fess up, all innocent non-surgery cotton and rubberband performing mumsnetters COULD BE YOU! None of us are safe from suspected arse surgery!

As for the OP: Insanity gone mad... PMSL! This is so funny and brave and erm.... idiotic?? LOL

...blardyell
respect
Did you gnaw the umbilical apart and eat the placenta as well?

LOL I'm PMSL at you being accused of being me!

It's not a bad thing to be AAD you know. I feel rather proud of my title.

Absolutely TroutPout.

I fashioned the placenta into a nice little purse for DD though, in true Blue Peter style with double sided sticky tape and an elastic band.

AAD, does you name begin with K?

have just read this thread - much respect, aad

Bran, no.

NN. Thanks.

sorry tutter. I'm not very good at recognising people's styles but for some reason your name popped into my head

I'd have another few guesses but I'm sure I'd end up offending people. That's not to say you are not a marvel, aad

Thanks pointydog. I'm revelling in my misplaced glory.

DH says that when he did A&E there was at least 1 person/week presenting with botched self-attempts at haemarrhoid surgery!

OMG, how did I miss this thread! That OP is hilarious!!

I think I know who you are and you have name changed before to post about an embarrassing problem, am I right? (no I don't mean UCM)

You are still freaking MAD btw

aad,
in my mind your style seems shomehow familiar so in my mind aad will be that mnetter...or mnutter!..

right or wrong, either way, this gave me and dh such a laugh i cant tell you..bravo..

pointydog, to be fair, i have discussed issues with farmers in the past

so your tutter-arse connection wasn't entirely misplaced

but am far too squeamish to attempt to anything other than apply anusol