Social Anxiety anyone?

[MiserableCow]

Inspired from another thread, and because I'm a bit pissed, I thought I'd ask...does anyone else on here have social phobia/anxiety?

Don't want to go into full detail at the moment incase I get no responses and I'll then feel even more of an alien.

Namechange if you need to, but I really want to know if anyone else on here battles with this?

Drunkensailor - don't quite understand you. How can you have good self-esteem but not want to be seen? Surely if you want to just blend into the background it is possibly because you feel inadequate or have less of a contribution to make than others? Just trying to understand.

Also you and prob have both said ok which is kinda like nice in that it is neither here nor there. You are BEAUTIFUL not okay.

You need to postive affirm like -

I am beautiful.
I am worthwhile person.
I am confident.
I am relaxed.

One I use when I am very nervy about going out is:

Calm and relaxed, centred and strong, happy and healthy all day long.

I related to alot of what you said drunkensailor - my family think of me as very sociable and confident - but I do not like the sensation of being observed and hate certain social situations - i.e. parent and toddler groups where there are only a few people so you are all watching each other warily and making bloody awful small talk which i am crap at. I have a healthy self-esteem and think i am right about most things - but in the past year i have retreated so much into myself I don't know if i will be able to return to full social interaction - since having kids all my friends (none have kids) are pretty much relagated to once a year meet ups. I moved house last year leaving behind new mum mates and I have made no real effort to engage socially with this new area - high levels of anxiety and negativity are holding me back. There is comfort in knowing there re so many people with similar feelings - but sadness as well as we are all missing out

Thanks everyone for sharing this with me. I was so worried that no-one would know what I was talking about and things like that make me feel so attention seeking and ridiculous.

It's very interesting that many of us didn't learn to socialise when we were children and/or had family problems such as alcoholism.

Going to sit back with a glass of wine now and read properly. Hope that more people come forward and share too.

Quotie I lol when I read your suggestion of a social anxiety MN meet up. If we were all like me if would be terrible. Can you imagine us all sitting in a bar/restuarant, sweating with bright red faces, shitting ourselves about going to the bar or ordering food. We'd all be pissed before we got there and we'd be in the carpark chain smoking all evening

I'd keep the conversation going and order the food - I just wouldn't be able to eat it.{grin] 'cos I'd end up in the loo all night.LOL

...and I'd be running on about any old thing to everyone, making an idiot of myself...

Rumpel - I think it was right for me at the time to use 'I'm OK' because it was about making myself feel accepted & normal, keeping realistic expectations etc. I had to be able to believe it without feeling it was over the top. I understand what you are saying too though. I was obviously doing something wrong as it didn't help me!

That's not to say that I'm not beautiful of course...

I suffered similarly with this 10 years ago after a bout of depression... was wondering if any of you had tried the Linden method - you can google it - it really helped me...

... and to those of you worried about appearing vulnerable or blushing... have you ever stopped to consider that the majority of people actually find that endearing and not silly - that's if they actually notice at all! You probably wouldn't think somebody else was inferior or stupid for going red or stammering etc... it's important to give other people credit for thinking nicely too! The world is not just full of ogres!!

LoF - I'm glad I started it too. I've wanted to ask about it for ages because I don't think it's been covered before and when you figure how many thousands of posters use MN, logically I couldn't be the only one dealing with this.

Flowertops posts in particular have made me realise that my anxiety isn't as bad as others. I do cope with most circumstances but I'm sick of all the hand-wringing and sleepless nights spent worrying about the Xmas school play or an answer phone message from a friend that I know I've got to call back. Really stupid things that other people see as a pleasure but I can't because I'm panicing the whole time about not being able to answer a question, blushing or laughing at an inappropriate time (?????).

My hay-fever started last week so I might use that as a reason to visit the GP and then bring this up whilst I'm there.

Hmm, no-one would ever get to see my MN badge but it would probably say 'No, you are not wearing rose-tinted glasses, my face really is this red'

Muppet - something about the Linden method rings a bell, but I can't think why. I'll google in a minute.

I agree that blushing can be endearing as it shows a vulnerability and most people are kind enough not to want to make someone squirm if they can see they are already a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps I shouldn't really call it blushing - it's more burning up. My whole head and neck, including my ears litterally goes purple and it's impossible not to notice it or for me to ignore it. Most people don't mention it, some people (twats) will take the piss and then it takes ages for the redness to go away, but the worst thing is when I know that I've made other people feel uncomfortable and embarrassed because they're worrying that they've said something really bad to make me react like that. The anxiety is like a vicious circle. As soon as I'm in a social environment I'll start worrying that I'm going to blush, my heart starts to beat really fast and I get sweaty and then someone speaks to me and I burn up.

You're right though. Most people probably feel sorry for me and I can't imagine they dislike me because of it.

Just dug this out, just wanted to say I went to the swings with DS today, alone! First time I have been out alone (like actually going out the door and the whole "trip" on my own) in about 2 years!

i have a problem with blushing too.

i get really sweaty just taking ds to the doctors, i sit in the waiting room rehearsing what i am going to say just as i do if i have to make a phone call.

i often don't make calls even in front of dh, i use the phone in another room.

i hate banks , sitting in taxis and ordering drinks in the pub.

no one knows though. it doesn't help that i have a voice like bloody mini mouse.

at least i'm not alone

I don't often post on here but had to reply to this as it's an issue very close to my heart. I have huge social anxiety issues and have done most of my life, although in my pre-child 20s I was much more confident and social. Most days anxiety over speaking to people seems to dominate my thoughts, which is part of the problem. The nursery run and just meeting up with other mums often fills me with fear and occasionally I succumb to the fear and cancel meet-ups. This is very rare though as like everyone else on this thread I want my dc to be unaffected by any of my issues and so I am quite social.

Strangely though, i have this very confident side to myself which comes out in phases, when I can feel my 'best self' come forward and I am then brimming over with confidence and I can honestly say I love myself then. But on the other days I hate the anxious, blushing, awkward, stammering, tongue-tied me - because it isn't the true me and i hate people thinking that's all there is to me!

However, I am VERY interested in personal development and refuse to let this social anxiety affect the rest of my life. Last year I attended a Speaking Circles workshop and it was an absolutely transforming experience. Self-consciousness is the crux of all our social anxiety problems, and simply by placing our focus on the other person we can lose our fears. It's something which you will not understand until it happens but when it does you will find that all of a sudden there is nothing to fear. Lack of self-esteem is also a key factor in social anxiety. I definitely see myself as 'less' than others on my bad days, and on my good days I couldnt give a toss what anyone else thinks about me because I feel great about myself anyway. I'm so blinkin' up and and down. And Toastmasters is also a great way to practice speaking. Also consider EFT But Speaking Circles is the best way to find your natural self with any performances, and that is the only way anyone can truly find lasting happiness, and have any social interactions worth anything.

I say all the above and yet I still suffer with it all. But we all can and should do something about it. We only have one life and how awful it would be to get to 80 and look back on our lives thinking we had never expressed our wonderful true selves to other people. I could go on and on but shall stop while you're all still with me

I have a social anxiety disorder. It does not help that I live in a non-English speaking country.

I am paranoid most days.
Some days I can go out, walk around, be around friends and not worry or have a care in the world

Most days, I walk out my apartment and think people are talking about me, if I hear people laughing behind me I think it's about me/maybe they are laughing at my size, if I see people walking towards me and start giggleing, I think its about me.

I have tryed to tell myself I am not the centre of the universe, so why would anyone single me out?

I have tryed kinesilogy for this disorder, it does work, one thing I learnt was 'whatever anyone thinks or says about you - is none of your business' That quote really helps me.

I sometimes go through phases where I am scared to walk out my front door, sometimes this lasts 4 days or so.

Because of this anxiety disorder, I totally cut ties with a group of people I used to be friends with, I honestly felt they were two-faced, as I could not work out if their freindship was genuine or not. I spent so many nights lieing awake worrying about them, that I changed my mobile phone number and never got in touch with them again. I had to save my sanity, and my gut instinct was telling me that group of friends were toxic. Since I cut them off, I have been feeling better, I now only surround myself with friends I can count on one hand, but I feel ok with them and safe.

I am now making steps to leave this country I live in, to move to another, by myself, and start to make a new life, start working again, and find a new social network.

I am not sure if I will be able to do it, but I am going to give it a try. Through all my problems and anxiety, I can only think of the positives I can acquire by gaining more self confidence and respect.
Hopefully with this, I will conquer my fears and my anxieties will disappear.

Yes, I have this to a certain extent. On the surface people think I am shy and like to keep myself to myself. People make the judgement that I am 'nice' and non-confrontational. I'm often left on the side-lines. I am unable to project any of my true personality within a group or in front of a new acquaintance.

Inside, I am very sociable. I love company. I love being around people. I have strong, intelligent viewpoints and a great sense of humour. But most people don't get to see that side of me. I am a wall flower!

I wish I could find a way to rectify this.

I suffer from blushing and sweating when in uncomfortable situations or when I am made the centre of attention.

I had acne as a teenager and I think the blushing began then. The internal image I have of myself is very low. I feel inferior to most people.

I do try my hardest not to let it totally affect me. I force myself intovolunteering or social groups but I don't make much of an impression and I don't get what I want out of them.

I'm in my 30s now and quite sick of this. Blushing is a show of submission. I don't find it endearing in the slightest. I thought I'd grow out of it or get better once I got married and had children. My DH is a natural when he meets other people. He's great in a group.

I would like to do something to change the way I am. It's like I have an inferiority complex. I've looked into NLP and wonder if that is the way to go (perhaps we could all get together and book a weekend workshop?!).

Hi just thought I'd add a few thoughts to this subject even though it's a while since anything has been posted. I am now 38 and have suffered from anxiety since I was a kid, mainly due to bullying. It was quite bad during my teens and then I was absolutely fine, enjoying life, socialising as much as I could or wanted. The anxiety returned after the birth of my first child 5 years ago when I had PND, but much worse than anything I had experienced before. I became pregnant with my second child during this time and had a great pregnancy when,interestingly the symptoms where very much under control. Unforntunately since the birth, the anxiety has returned. It is so bad at the moment that I avoid anything and everything I can, including as many school runs as possible. I phisically shake when I approach a group of mums. It is unbearable. The other mums are so lovely and have been incredibly warm and friendly, but now all that is beginning to suffer as I am turning down so many invitations to coffee mornings (will I shake and spill the coffee?!!!) and nights out. My behaviour is obviously affecting and hindering my relationships them and now I feel as though they all think I am just 'strange' so I avoid even them more. Complete vicious circle. Without rambling on, and on a positive note, I KNOW I can be free of this as I have experienced long periods where this has been the case. I was just wondering if anyone has any positive stories of recovery to tell me or just share what they are going through right now?

Hello there George11
I suffered from social anxiety/phobia when I was a teenager and I am still very uncomfortable with large groups or people I don't know well. I am basically an introvert so some of it is just my nature but when I was at my worse, I had trouble walking down busy streets, and would avoid any kind of social gathering completely. I also was really nervous around men (still prefer company of women). I saw a psychologist for it and was also given Seroxat which is a drug that has since had some pretty bad press, but I have to admit I had no problem with it. I can still remember how awful I felt with social phobia, you have my sympathy.

I've always been shy and talk quietly, that's just the way i am.
At school i was bullied because of my shyness and the fact i was very skinny so other girls got jealous.
Since having children i've become a lot more confident as i don't want my children to be like me.
As others have said, i force myself into social situations and even do a job that means i have to deal with lots of different people and some can be quite "spikey" and also deal with embarassing situations.
Trying to get people to laugh usually works for me but sometimes i do get very tongue tied and just don't say anything.
Confidence is my goal, and one day i may get there, but in the meantime i'm trying to instill it into my two DDs.
AB

Hi there Ladies,

I was very saddened to read this thread and would just like to give all of you who are suffering a big hug and some unconditional love.

I noticed that Rumpel suggested using Rescue Remedy just before getting into a scenario that causes you stress. This made me smile as I never go anywhere without my bottle of RR and it never fails me.

I wanted to add that there are another 38 Bach Flower remedies that are all used for rebalancing negative emotions to positive ones. So many of you have talked about feelings and emotions that BFR could help, that I felt compelled to post this message.

There is loads of information about how the BFR can help you and how to find a Practitioner at www.bachcentre.com.

You don't have to see a Practitioner if you don't want to as the BFR were designed to be used by everyone. Some people feel that a Practitioner can help you find the right path at the start, so to speak, so it's all down to individual choice.

Others have mentioned other ways to deal with this issue. I wish all of you the strength to find a solution that works for you.

Hugs,

Kath

Hi peggoty and ripeberry thanks so much for your replies, just knowing others are out there that know how I feel is helpful. I was prescribed fluoxetine after first birth this helped a bit but only took it for 3 months. Have also had short burst of CBT which was quite helpful. I try to focus on the positive aspects of my life and there are many, especially my two kids, and also the fact that I know I have been confident and happy in the past. What scares me most are the pysical and therefore visible symptoms of the anxiety. These are what frighten me most because they expose your 'condition' horribly to the outside world making it impossible to behave normally. Once I have these under control I feel I can function properly and then mend. Grateful for any feedback and again, stories of recovery.

Thanks lindireil, appreciate the advise. Will give it try.

Hi - not read the whole thread but bet you are relieved you are not alone.

Try reading "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers. I used to be a bit anxious socially and this book helped me so much. Re-read it loads.

I also joined a public speaking society which definitely gave me more confidence (was scared to death every time I had to speak but so were half the people in there which is why they were there).

Sorry not read the thread but heres a bit about social anxiety disorder.

*According to research carried out in the United States, Social Anxiety Disorder (SA) is the third most common psychiatric disorder after depression and alcoholism.

However, perhaps because by it's very nature sufferers of Social Anxiety are reluctant to talk about their problems or seek help, the condition is still not widely known amongst the general public, and was only recognized as a disorder in it's own right as recently as 1980.

In it's simplest terms social anxiety or 'SA' is a fear of people: of being around, having to interact with, being watched, criticized or judged negatively by, other human beings.

For sufferers of SA, everyday tasks which most people take for granted - working, socialising, shopping, speaking on the telephone, can be a wearing ordeal marked by persistent feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness.

Sufferers typically experience feelings of dread and nervousness in the build up to the feared situation, and analyse or 'replay' the situation in their mind when it's over, ruminating on how they could have 'performed' better.

Sufferers may also experience physical symptoms such as trembling, blushing or sweating.

At a deeper level, sufferers often experience chronic insecurity about their relationships with others, hypersensitivity to criticism, and deep-rooted fears of being judged negatively, mocked, or rejected by others.

There are two forms of SA, performance social anxiety where these feelings only occur in a few specific situations such as public speaking, eating in public or dealing with authority figures, and generalized social anxiety which affects most, if not all areas of the sufferers life. The latter is the most common type, affecting around 70% of SA sufferers.*

For more info an excellent website is SA UK

www.social-anxiety.org.uk/