essbee, i just did the test and scored 48 too. i don't know the details of your circumstances but they sound a little similar to mine. i have recently split up with husband (following an affair, his not mine) and have had stressful time at work, all our contracts have suddenly come to end after several stressful funding bids, so consequently financial diffs, as you say to be expected when on your own. i guess what i'm saying is that although awful, feeling so low (ie rock bottom) is perhaps a 'normal' reaction to these kind of life events rather than any personal failing. though i actually don't know whether taking that test made me feel worse as it brought home what a mess i was in. i really related to what you just said about still being around. i have not really felt suicidal, but when close people have asked me how i am, sometimes all i have felt able to say was, well i'm still here. i think it is sometimes a feeling of having survived each day, even if not looking forward to the next. a counsellor asked me how i would envisage my life in a good way in a few months time. i found this so hard as as you said earlier, i just wanted my old life back. i really hope things work out for you, good luck at the doctors, take care