Tried to post yesterday and couldn't coz it told me that there was no more room. So hope you guys don't mind that I started a new one, apologies for the lame name. And guess what guys, I decided to join the down your drink programme today, as I really want to do something positive about my drinking rather than just repeatedly beating my head against the bottle and then moaning about how much it hurts - physically and metaphorically!!!!
Several things factor in this, I've had quite a break in the last few days as I've had a disc in my back go, and have had to rely on other people to do a great deal of my usual work load. Hence I feel so much better in my head, and it has given me a bit of time and space to think. Plus, am about 3 weeks into my counselling which has had some really positive results too, in helping me to analyse both myself and my situation and find solutions instead of just keep drowning my feelings.
I was also reflecting yesterday that although completely turning around my relationship to alcohol probably won't be ease, this is something that I must be able to do, because I've done it twice before in my life, with other things I've had big issues with.
Firstly, had a really messed up relationship with food for a very long time, and was bulimic for quite a while in my late teens / early twenties. But after a bit of a pathetic suicide attempt put the wind up me, I made a massive change in my eating, told myself I would never diet again, ever, and allowed myself to eat anything I wanted, in the quantites that I wanted and never to deny myself anything again. Yes i did put weight on, quite a lot initially, but it has levelled out over the years, and I can honestly say that I have one of the healthiest relationships with food now of almost anyone I know (especially most of my 'thin' friends).
Secondly, about 4 years ago a very beloved uncle of mine (more like a dad really) died of an aortic anyuerism at 50, and I realised that I was a heart attack waiting to happen if I didn't shift the last of my weight. However, not wanting to diet, I knew that exercise was the only answer. However, just like the dieting, i had tried every exercise fad under the sun and had never stuck to any of them. So, when I announced after my Uncle's funeral that I was going to buy an exercise bike, my lovely dh replied 'you're not spending any more money on exercise equipment that you will only drape your clothes over after the first week!' guess he knows me well. [hlush]. Anyway that was enough to make me think, 'I'll bloody show him!' and so I started swimming 3 or 4 times a week. At first it was sheer bloody mindedness that kept me going, but once i had been doing it for a few weeks I realised that not only did I enjoy it, but it really helped my head (gave me space and time to think). In fact I wrote a book during this time, and I came up with most of my best plot twists whilst pounding up and down the pool.
Consequently, I am now someone who exercises regularly, and have been for the last four years (I even swam 3 times a week all through my pregnancy and only stopped at 38 weeks when they banned me from the pool!!!) Surely, if I can change those things, I can finally, and permanently, get this other monkey off my back.
And just to round off all of this, I was looking at my recycling box out of the kitchen window this morning and it was a bit of a Gillian McKeith 'shame' moment! It is emptied every 2 weeks and there were so many whiskey and wine bottles in there (and I know I've secreted some in the bin in moments of shame!) So, I'll let you know how I get on. (Softstuff, you have been a big motivating factor too, have followed your story on previous threads and feel so incredibly pleased for you and proud of you that you have managed to make such a drastic change, and I figure if you can do it, so can I!!!)
I will bring this long ramble to a close by saying hang in there everyone, and how grateful I am that we all have each other for support. Please, please join me here, and let's keep it up.
{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}