Mid-life Crisis - care to have a moan with me?

[MrsRossPoldark]

I am so Mrs mid-life crisis right now.

Marriage being 'reassessed'; under pressure at work; kids all with teenage problems; no pension provision; debts; jealous of friends with perfect kids & partners / fab holidays; emotions all over the place; not knowing what the future holds etc etc

Why isn't there a 'mid-life' crisis section under 'general health'? This seems such a stereotypical MLC and there are so many threads relating to issues with middle-age and yet no-one wants to discuss it? Most seem to be DHs running off with younger women, or women feeling dissatisfied with their DHs as they have been together so long there's nothing to talk about any more.

Anyone out there need a good old moan? Come and join the mid-life whinge thread!

He suspects it but buries his head in the sand and thinks it won't happen. I no longer have the energy or desire to fix this. I want out. I want my freedom. I have given everything to everyone and have nothing left to give. I want to stop existing and start living.

God all this sounds so familiar. I've told dh how I feel, numerous times. But I think he's in a dark place too. I've been thinking of late, that when I saw the warning signs, I could have/ should have walked away? Dh is a good man and I love him but I feel like I'm just fecking looking after everyone else. Of horse he will think differently. I knew he had mental health issues and I continued regardless, thinking it wasn't that bad, but it is. He has been very good to me in other respects, kind, loyal, etc etc

WRT career, I left a high paying job to start anew in a different part of the country with dh. We started our own business wi dh at the helm. It was highly stressful and wwe were struck right at the beginning of the recession. Lost a lot of money. After all that stress I'm quite happy to have a low key job, sad but true. I can't take anymore stress. I hated my old career with a passion, felt trapped by it so I can see the positives there. I worry about the future and pensions etc. were ok ATM but wonder if that will continue

Same here...no financial security, no savings, low income..I always envisaged that when DC grew up we could start living again, but no..DH is in poor health, trips out become a major operation..money tight...can't get promotion, employment opportunities with prospects are increasingly elusive, so looks like I will have to either except old age poverty or get a second job on top of full time one ...
I feel 'cheated'

God, are we indicative of our generation? There seems to be a financial pattern here. If I can keep working we can just about scrape by but next to nothing in pensions or savings. I wish I had salted away a rainy day fund over the years - not that there was any spare to do so. I started doing it about two years ago and have painstakingly scraped up about £350 in a fiver here, a tenner there. Thats it. Thats my hidden wealth! Everything else goes on trying to support the dcs who can't get jobs, can't get their own house, can't afford to put them on the insurance or pay for extra driving lessons, let alone buy them a car to give them a chance to search for jobs further afield. I am truly heartened ( and saddened) to find you all on here. I have been thinking it was just me...

Dementedma: it's an unfortunate set of circumstances all happening at once. DHs not realising that we may be menopausal (I suspect I am and really, God, it doesn't help - if you do exist, why did you make hormones? You were having a laugh!); bored after so many years of childcare and family commitments; awful recession that put DH out of work for 2 years and the resulting debts and depression resulting from that; being 51 and still having a DC who will need you for at least the next 6 years, by which time I'll be 57; bits of me starting to drop off (I had BC 11 years ago and had a mastectomy) and starting to fail (I'm going deaf and now wear varifocals which cost a fortune because of a complicated prescription - just when we can't afford expenses!).

Combined with the fact that I have quite a wide circle of friends of all ages, from 30-something to 68, that reminds me of the opportunities I've missed when I was younger (younger childless friends spotting business opportunities where I have a failed business to my name) and what I have to look forward to (olde friend recently divorced by an adulterous husband and left destitute and fallen out badly with her daughter).

Spoke to DH about my intense feelings of envy last night and he just told me to stop feeling sorry for myself - he wasn't jealous of anyone else's good fortune. We aren't as badly off as some. But doesn't stop you feeling you wish you'd done things differently.

Crikey MOAN MOAN MOAN ! I did put that word in the title didn't i?!

really hear you mrspoldark. of course we know there are people who are worse off, but you cant help wishing you had more to life. Like you I am 51 and have a dependent child. Big gap between the two dds who are 24 and 21, and 13 year old ds.
I have a friend who made better career choices. He has worked extremely hard to be fair, but then so have I. He now looks forward to an VERY comfortable retirement at the age of 52, big new house, all paid for etc etc.
One shouldn't be envious but I look at his life and I look at mine and I cant help it.
We had 6 years of a debt repayment plan after my business went bust and DH was unemployed etc etc. I think that's the period that sucked the soul out of us. Counting every fucking penny... for what?
Joining you in the moany corner.....

I am also reluctant to talk about being menopausal, as I'm worried it makes me seem less feminine, less desirable .. ? Old? Dh is 7 years younger than me, so I hate feeling old, older ..

At the moment I feel really down, fed up that we have enough money to have a reasonable standard of living. I met my friend this weekend, it doesn't happen often, we went into town and I wanted to have a good time, just for once stop worrying. So I used the overdraft for a meal out and some new clothes .. I didn't really spend much. I swing between not caring how much I spend and then worrying myself sick about our debt and that we'll never pay it off.

2fat we got a lot of help from PayPlan who set up our debt repayment thingy. Now we don't have an overdraft or any credit card debt, but we have the mortgage well into our old age plus 2 car loans. We live rurally and both commute a long way so really need the cars, but they are second hand. my MOT last month was £400! Another month with no savings....
Next month will be the MOT on dhs car which will probably be the same.
And then student DDs SAAS money stops for the summer and we somehow have to find the rent on her flat for 3 months or she loses it...like I have a spare grand kicking about.

Demented, glad you got sorted. I don't know how we can ever get out of this mess. Dh doesn't earn enough for us to pay off much, plus we are paying off mortgage arrears from when he was out of work, so no spare money for the next few years. Nearly half of our income goes on the mortgage at the moment I'm suffering with depression and anxiety and can't work outside the home. I work from home, but at the moment it is quiet and I'm not earning much. We also received an overpayment of tax credits last year whilst dh was out of work (how is that possible??!?), so will need to pay that back some time too. Dd is going through a growth spurt and constantly needs new shoes and trousers. I just want to disappear and leave it all behind tbh. I'd look into bankruptcy except we can't risk losing our home as we would struggle to rent with cats and a dog

Sorry to moan .. just fed up .. as usual!

Dont worry about the tax credits overpayment. We had the same and you can stall it for ages by arguing with them and sending letters backwards and forwards challenging their figures. We finally agreed 30 quid a month repayment and thats with us both working so they would take less if you were struggling.
Dh just heard he didn't get the promoted post he interviewed for so will be stuck on his shitty low salary which means we can't pay any extra on the mortgage to try and reduce the term.....

Sorry to hear that demented. It's frustrating, isn't it?

Thanks for the tip about child tax credits. I'm still waiting for them to get in touch about it at the moment. But, yes, I fully intend to question their figures as often as I can until they have explained how they have overpaid us when we have kept them informed all the time of any changes.

After a long argument with TC over 5k overpayment...letters/calls/demands etc I finally got through to someone who asked me if I would do an income/expenditure and low and behold confirmed I couldn't afford to repay...it was written off!!
It was a long time coming..DC had left school and left home before it was settled!

DememtedMa: lots of useful info! Thanks so much for sharing - looks like it'll help some of us on this thread.

Yes defo fed up with how our life has panned out compared to our peers. DHs social circle consists of college pals who are all, without exception, either retired, semi retired or enjoying life on their final salary pensions (remember those?); one is even considering moving to Spain as they have so much money they'll be clobbered after the election! My social circle at least has a bit more variety, but closest friends all well off, successful and have lovely clever DCs. Makes me want to vomit at times.

Another recently commented about one of his 4 pensions is not performing as well as expected! Shame innit?!

However, on a positive note, I'm about to apply for a job that dropped into my inbox today that would be twice the hours, so twice the income (higher hourly rate) and has a final salary pension scheme - can you believe it?! And it's for an outdoor activities centre local to me, so a chance for me to get connected to the outdoors too! Right up my street so hope it's not one of those "we know who we want to recruit, but have to go through the motions" jobs. You never know... Wish me luck!

Way to go MrsRoss!!! Good luck!!!

Good luck mrs Ross . I think we have to try and stop comparing ourselves to those whom have done better, but its bloody hard.

Good luck MrsRoss, fingers crossed you get the job.

Oh good luck. I'm a bit younger than most posters in this thread but am reading with interest to try and avoid some of the financial problems you are discussing. My mum is in a very similar position to some of you-married young, became sahw, got divorced and screwed over by my dad and has never had the career she deserves, sadly. Hope things improve for you all.

OMG!!!!! I'm in on this thread ladies !!!!! I have to shoot off to my pretty depressing pt job now but can't wait to get home now!!! to have a moan on here, oh and of course to see what chores my studying teenagers have NOT done.....because they are studying and chores (99% of them) appear to be mine laters ladies!!!

....and just to throw into the mix, am 5-6 weeks off antidepressants, struggling to shift that accumulated weight, had 6sessions of counselling and now have a life-coach, which sounds very grand but really isnt., nor is she very expensive, however she has kept me sane for last 4-5months. looks like I can save some money now and share some of her ideas/thoughts

jubilee I would be interested to know more about your life coach, what sort of things you discuss, do you meet up or talk on the phone or communicate via email ...?

I had dropped my dose of ADs (Sertraline) a month of so ago at the advice of my GP, as we thought things were improving. However, I've now realised how bad I've been feeling recently, so last night I decided to go back to my old dose of 150 mg in the hope that I'll feel a bit better again. My GP did say to increase them again if I was struggling.

Jubilee - I would also be interested in hearing about your life coach!

Dementedma, funny that. I read your first post and wondered if I'd changed my name!

I've decided to revolt in very minor ways. It's not just on here, I have RL friends in exactly the same position. I think one factor really is a younger child still at home (mine are 21, 19, 18 and 11) and I feel I've been doing parenting for such a ridiculously long time.

River Island has a T shirt that says, "Don't let anyone dull your sparkle." I won't be buying it because T shirts do nothing for me but I do intend to take it as my mantra. So today I'm going to do something fun just for me. Baby steps.

Going, I think you're right, having a younger child definitely plays a role. If I hadn't started again with dh I'd now have no children at home, my life back, more disposable income, less physical problems possibly, as the last birth caused all sorts of problems .. I love youngest dd to bits, but if I could do it all over again I wouldn't have another child after such a big gap. I have been parenting for 27 years! and am just dealing with the difficult teenage phase AGAIN!

Argh! Teens NOT studying! I know that feeling & it's hard to let them get on with it by themselves as you know they won't. Hopefully school are exerting enough pressure so I shouldn't have to really should I?!

As for DH, I've just read this article:

www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-signs-you-and-your-partner-are-compatible.html

And can honestly say we only fulfil one of them : 'shared interest' & even then it's only because DS3 is an aspiring athlete so while DH is coaching from sidelines, & analysing results to an obsessive degree; I attend the meets, make the sarnies & usually take myself off for a run whilst there. We spend most of our time disagreeing over how best to encourage DS without stressing him out; DH complaining about my packing the wrong food; arguing over whether I should go for a run or not. Not even much common ground here!

I don't want a divorce as I guess heist be useful somehow, but the article does worry me! Any thoughts?

Marking my place here, think i have found what ive been looking for ! Have stuff to do now but i, ll be back. ..........