Mid-life Crisis - care to have a moan with me?

[MrsRossPoldark]

I am so Mrs mid-life crisis right now.

Marriage being 'reassessed'; under pressure at work; kids all with teenage problems; no pension provision; debts; jealous of friends with perfect kids & partners / fab holidays; emotions all over the place; not knowing what the future holds etc etc

Why isn't there a 'mid-life' crisis section under 'general health'? This seems such a stereotypical MLC and there are so many threads relating to issues with middle-age and yet no-one wants to discuss it? Most seem to be DHs running off with younger women, or women feeling dissatisfied with their DHs as they have been together so long there's nothing to talk about any more.

Anyone out there need a good old moan? Come and join the mid-life whinge thread!

[dementedma]

I don't even score one of these.

[2fat4that]

I think I score on a few of them, but my brain doesn't work these days, I'm terribly indecisive and really not sure about my feelings about anything.

[jubilee69]

hey 2fat and Caitlin....just playing catch up on this fantastic thread!!! life coach lady is great....was on anti depressants but realised that everything I needed to change was sort not up to me really. TUrned a bit of a corner and now on day 53 (or 50 something) of no meds. was on citropram(??) 20mg but dropped them slowly. had some counselling back in Nov time which helped but realised I need help sorting out the 'what next' feeling.
Welcome MRs LIfe Coach!! We talk about all sorts and its really been an extension of my counselling. realise now that relationship with hubby is at the root of how I've felt....he works away a lot (mon-thurs) leaving me working p-t in crappy stressful job, 2 teenagers plus our own warehouse business, which is now empty and costing us. all very busy and v stressful. same as all other lovely ladies on here....disillusioned with my lot, frustrated at lack of fun in life, jealous of friends, etc.
first thing she had me doing was a 'grateful' book....take ten mins and reflect at end of day for something grateful. it does work, honestly.
since then she has given me some positive affirmations.
I have realised that I can't change my workaholic husband but I can change how in react to him. slowly he is actually changing. he has always been unwilling to change things around the house....curtains, decorating, etc. I have taken a more positive stance and said 'this is what I would like to do to make our home nicer/more welcoming/21st century ish' he pulled his face, said you are like you were before you went on your tablets. I made it clear that this is me. Like it or leave it.
Needless to say a the downstairs loo has been redecorated with new flooring (its only small so pretty cheap make over but MASSIVE issue for hubby). I have ordered fitted wardrobes for our room and some free standing furniture. curtain material purchased for hall, kitchen and bedroom!!! I feel so motivated and free for not feeling sort of repressed by him, how sad is that that I felt repressed by DH!! WRONG!!!

phew....sorry for long message but was on a roll!! in a but shell I think life coach has just made me realise that its not all about 'them'.....my needs matter too and only I can help myself with that

[MrsRossPoldark]

Jubilee: sounds bloody marvellous! Must start a grateful book - if I can only find my diary! Saw GP today re severe mood swings and sudden weight loss. Probably hitting the menopause - Yay!

But, on the grateful side - guess who joined the local road runners club and did a session with them this evening?! 12x 400m laps which is something I have never done in my life (I've been a serious runner when younger / jogger now I'm older) & I can be grateful that despite everything I still can!

[jubilee69]

well done you Mrs!!!! I used to run about 5 years ago but my knees didn't like it.....another getting old fact of life for me am 45, 46 in Oct. daughter 17.5 and son 15.5 so semi self reliant....or so you would think! feel bit torn between glad less reliant on me and starting to feel like I'm not needed

[jubilee69]

another positive thing I found was a flip over calendar. Interestingly for April the quote of the month is......"LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE CLOUDS TO PASS BUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN". Worth bearing in mind fellow MLCers whilst muddling through yet another day

[thecatsm0ther]

2fat here, I've name changed

Jubilee, sounds great I have an appointment with my gp on Friday, I made the appointment, because my ankle is causing me problems (I sprained it years ago, and now it's very weak), but will also discuss my antidepressants with her - I reduced the dose a few months ago, but have now increased my dose again, as I was feeling really down. I've not noticed the difference yet

I used to try to think of three things to be grateful for every night before going to sleep, but realise I haven't done that for ages, so will try and do that again.

Well done Mrs on the running/jogging. I can't run/jog because of my bad knees and ankle, but I am trying to get a walk with the dog every day.

[jubilee69]

thecats: name change confusion for me! am new to MN!! hope you go on OK with docs and yes, review meds sounds good. so far, fingers crossed, am OK without mine - feel free and clean and fully awake now but completely understand the need for them xx
yes, try the grateful thing, keeps you focused on positive stuff. Stay away from negative folk too!!

[Snugglepiggy]

55 here and wish a thread had been around like this sooner.My MLC really kicked in when I turned 50.Hadn't any previous worries about ageing and was fit,healthy and happy,with a good marriage and very healthy sex life.Then in the space of a year youngest DC developed an eating disorder-out of the blue and almost wasting away before our eyes .Thankfully now recovered,in a good job and relationship.The other two DCs drained me with their exam/ relationship/job search woes ,much as I tried to find my own space.My periods went totally bonkers - so heavy and long I was on the floor with exhaustion due to anaemia whilst trying to run our own business 7 days a week ,with a previously kind and supportive DH who had turned into a miserable grump ( having his own meltdown) insisting that we didn't need / couldn't afford any holidays and just had to push on for a few more years to get more savings in the bank.To add to it I then discovered,or rather the DH of another woman did,sexually explicit texts between DH and a woman 10 years younger.In the course of running our joint business he had 'be- friended' her and kept it secret for months.And even though it wasn't a physical affair it shattered me,and made me feel old and ill overnight.
Also elderly parents were degenerating fast and we were getting phone calls in the night,numerous hospital trips,calling in to check ,sorting out care meals etc.
5 years on we are together.DH had his own MLC and issues which he worked on ,and continues to do.He is back to being kind,supportive and very attentive.I'd be out the door fast if he wasn't and he knows it.The DCs are all in jobs with their own places to live in and awful as it sounds,and much as we miss them we inherited some money from elderly relatives has enabled us to stop working flat out and take weekends off.
But it's been a long hard road,and my health has suffered as a result.I'm currently waiting for investigations for weight loss and gastric problems and really worried something serious is going on.I got so stressed and my emotions span out of control in those few years I am concerned it's had an effect on my body.And it shook me to the core emotionally to the point that I find it hard to relax wondering how long the calm will last,and what next.
Thankfully I have a handful of truly lovely friends,and I've ditched the ones who drained my energy,and weren't there for me when I was there for them in their tough times.And I've been for counselling and acupunture ,which initially made me feel guilty because of the cost,but was helpful.Every day I build in some 'me' time and take pleasure from it.A soak in the bath,a quiet walk with our dogs.And I say 'no' far more often to things.
I never thought I'd have a MLC and sympathies to all you going through your own.Hope you are through it soon !

[thecatsm0ther]

Snugglepiggle (love your name!) that's really interesting. I'm glad you seem to have come out the other side of your MLC. It gives me hope.
I used to be this strong independent woman, but for many reasons, because of various things that have happened over the years, my confidence has gone and I can do nothing, go nowhere .. I mourn the person I used to be, the life I used to lead, the friends I used to have. I can't tell my husband how I feel, I don't know how to have a conversation about our relationship. He seems to behave like a spoilt sulking child who can't stand being criticised, but maybe it's my fault. I don't know. I do know my hormones are affecting how I feel a lot of the time, and can't rely on my feelings being correct, as sometimes I feel I can't stand being married any longer, then 2 days later my period starts and I love him again.

My mum has cancer and my dd is 14 with all the problems that brings with it, and it all just feels like too much to cope with. I just want my old life back.

[thecatsm0ther]

Sorry, snugglepiggy

[FizzyGood]

I got loads of tattoos.

That worked now I'm older, fatter , sweatier and coloured in. My husband is thrilled.

[thecatsm0ther]

I spend quite a bit of time choosing a tattoo too Just can't afford to go ahead with it at the moment

[Karmaone]

Can I join in please! I'm sat on my own in a cafe, as usual. Dp not interested in going anywhere or doing anything. I have a stressful job and am totally exhausted and stressed. He says I don't pay him enough attention which is probably true because I don't have the energy. No holidays, no days out. Not much money. Overweight but can't seem to get motivated to deal with I just want to cry most of the time. How did my life get like this? Not many friends and feel like no one cares. Pathetic aren't I!

[OrangeVase]

Thank you for this thread. I will post more later - so nice to know I am not alone and that my struggles and problems are not just because I am useless.

(I am a regular name changer by the way. Not new. And mid fifites) Will watch this thread.

[mistymeanour]

Bold: Karmaone You are not pathetic, many of us feel the same. Your DP sounds like he hasn't made much of an effort to give you attention today - it is a two way street. Perhaps he should be giving you some TLC. I think women often assume that the caring falls on them.

We have no money for anything too and it's crap, especially on a long term basis. Seems there is just so much less fun. I went for a long walk in some nearby country today, felt lovely - until I came home.

[OrangeVase]

I wondered why I felt as I do too. Is it simply age? Is it bad choices? Is it general health? Is it just the way it is?

My situation is different of course but essentially very similar.

Mid thirties, own flat, own car, good job, good health. Independent but in a relationship with a difficult but interesting man. Social life, friends, hobbies, knew who I was.

Mid fifties, own house - but have to sell to pay debts -; no job - just bits and pieces of work - very little income; no pension, teenage kids, no social life, relationship dead, health poor.
How did I get here? and what do I do to get out of this?
already found this thread helpful.

[mistymeanour]

Orange I am in a very similar position to you. I especially find the prospect of going into rented accommodation with no hope of ever getting another mortgage terrifying. I feel that I am on an almost Dickensian descent into poverty.

I don't think it is one particular thing that makes me feel so crap. It is that all the elements have added up to a perfect s**t storm. I also think when I was younger that if I encountered problems they seemed easily surmountable because I had hope for improvement in the future. Now, despite numerous postgraduate qualifications and a lifetime of experience I can't even get an interview for a job stacking shelves. There is just no fun.

My health has been poor the past few years (old condition reared back with a vengeance) and I think the combination of trying out new medications for it and the peri/menopause from hell have really dampened my spirits. My health and pain levels have really improved the past few weeks and today my brain fog seems to have lifted - I actually nearly feel like me again! So, I wouldn't underestimate how much poor health is having a bearing on your outlook.

[MatildaTheCat]

May I join you? I'm a very regular poster on here because of my spinal injury. I'm 49 and three years ago stuff happened to me that resulted in my back being permanently fucked. Really fucked. I can't work and have had ghastly struggles claiming my ill health retirement pension and PIP. That's settled at long last but a legal case is ongoing and despite being totally innocent I feel nervy and guilty about it all.

I take tons of medications and am quite restricted in mobility. I used to be super fit and active. I had a great career, hobbies, friends and a fab marriage. I still have my marriage and it's strong. My dc have grown and left home and doing well so that's good. I have a group of amazing friends.

But I feel lost and empty. I have the choice of being in awful pain or take drugs that impair my thinking and leave me sedated and stupid. I do Alexander Technique and try to be Mindful. I read mostly silly threads on AIBU and am trying a creative writing course. I go to private Pilates,mi swim a bit and am attending some interesting lectures. But it's no good. I feel so useless. I don't think I'm depressed, just fed up.

Sorry for such a moany post. I'm usually a positive person but I'm sick of pretending. Also I'm getting awful hot flushes and night sweats which I hate.

Anyway, please can I join you?

[goingmadinthecountry]

Nice to see the thread back in view. Hi Matilda!

I shouldn't be unhappy. Our money worries aren't major, I love my job. I'm just permanently exhausted, frustrated and bored. I want/need some proper fun. ALl my friends are grown up and I still think I'm young, despite leaving university 30 years ago. I guess I worry about dd1 just graduating getting a job, dd2 getting good enough A levels for university, ds ever getting a job (he's at college and lovely but really needs a job too), staying alive and healthy long enough for dd3...

It's because dh and I have a very different outlook. He's all about money - wants the kids to earn in a v big way. I want them to be happy and earn enough. Tomorrow my new campaign starts. Doesn't it always? Anyway, it's 10 weeks till dd1's graduation so I want to look younger, be thinner and all that rubbish. I like a challenge!

It's just all so incredibly boring boring boring. Please let it not go on like this.

[thecatsm0ther]

I can identify with so many things mentioned here.

I feel we may have to sell the house at some point too, but everyone is telling us not to - well, our parents are telling us not to. Dh doesn't want to - but then he never wants to do anything that involves effort tbh. I am sick and tired of being responsible for everything, all decisions ... He's like a big child that just wants everything to run smoothly, but wants someone else to make sure it does. I alternate between trying to do that and thinking, sod it, why should I worry all the time if he doesn't? I am then tempted to go out and spend, spend, spend ... Most of the time I limit this to buying some chocolate and a bottle of wine and maybe bidding on some item of clothing on Ebay to satisfy my urges! What I really want is a big shopping spree for clothes, nice furniture, a decorator to sort out the house and a lovely holiday somewhere where the weather is good, the beach clean and the sea turquoise! I can't bear the thought of life always being like this

[MrsRossPoldark]

Wow - what a lot of MLC's we are! Welcome aboard!

Tomorrow I'm due to vote [who the f for, I still don't know! After years of voting for what I want, I may now vote for what I think might prevent the really f'd ones getting in; rather than voting for the f'rs who are already in! My DS1 and DS2 [who will soon be 18 & 16] have no interest in politics and say that there's no point as they all spout the same nonsense. The economy has shafted most of us punters. [not sure that makes sense, but you know what I mean?!] Maybe Westminster is due a MLC too?!

I have a blood test due tomorrow morning, as GP thinks that finally I am heading for menopause [hot flushes occasionally and emotional meltdowns getting more frequent].

Exhausted after a 6M run on Monday - in my younger days, I'd go and do it again the next day, but now, although I'm grateful I can do it at all, it takes me 2 or 3 days to get over it. In between, I'm mowing the lawn; cycling to and from work; running the kids around; doing the school run; walking the dog; doing all the housework including spending 4 hours just ironing; working p-t; organising apprenticeship for DS1 and work experience for DS2; running DS3 to athletics 3x a week;...

Spent Saturday morning yelling at DH as he still refused to clear out the garage, which he's been promising to do for months [he works afh all week, so weekends are for family stuff / diy / chores [aren't they?] - latest excuses include "We need to insulate the garage roof first"; "my personality type shows I'm better at sitting and thinking about things and planning".

Had a lovely ladies' lunch today when we discussed what we would all be doing now, if we rewound to our twenties and decided not to have children! Now that's another thread! At the moment, I still have another 6 years at least until DS3 is 'off my hands' - if they can ever afford to move out / get jobs / etc. I'll be 57 by then - the ladies I was with are all about ten years younger so will still late 40s when their children are at a similar stage.

OMG - moan moan moan - who's next?!

[jubilee69]

I just would like to say, this thread is bloody great!!! its so refreshing to have an off load without hear ' oh, it isn't that bad' or something similar!!
I am off to the races for the day tomorrow with two female friends, both of whom are having a shit time in their relationships. we are staying over in Chester and intend to have a bloody good laugh, far too much alcohol and probably act in very inappropriate manner for our ages. And I can't bloody wait!!!!

however, all the fun comes at a price....school run before I can go, get meal prepped for dh and kids for when they get in, coordinate 2 school picks up (dh works afh til late Thursday), 2 loads of washing done this evening and dried, shopping list done so when i get back Friday I'm ready nip supermarket just in time to take ds to chess match about half hour drive away at 7.30pm.
we are the coordinators, the gel to the family and the cement that holds it all together.....or are we??? do we give this role to ourselves?? do we nurture too much???

anyway, only 10 hours til I hit the road......11 til I hit the wine!!! I shall raise a glass to all you fellow MLCers xx

[MrsRossPoldark]

jubilee69 - have a fabby time! We will all be looking forward to the fallout hearing how it went!

[thecatsm0ther]

Have a great time jubilee

I agree, this thread is brilliant, a place where we understand each other.

MrsRoss, I'm having night sweats and hot flashes, I barely slept last night, I was so hot. What's it going to be like in the summer? !

Dh is working away this weekend, so just dd and me. We'll probably go into town for cake a spot of window shopping, then watch back to back Come Dine with Me and May the Best House Win