Mid-life Crisis - care to have a moan with me?

[MrsRossPoldark]

I am so Mrs mid-life crisis right now.

Marriage being 'reassessed'; under pressure at work; kids all with teenage problems; no pension provision; debts; jealous of friends with perfect kids & partners / fab holidays; emotions all over the place; not knowing what the future holds etc etc

Why isn't there a 'mid-life' crisis section under 'general health'? This seems such a stereotypical MLC and there are so many threads relating to issues with middle-age and yet no-one wants to discuss it? Most seem to be DHs running off with younger women, or women feeling dissatisfied with their DHs as they have been together so long there's nothing to talk about any more.

Anyone out there need a good old moan? Come and join the mid-life whinge thread!

[MrsRossPoldark]

Itwillgetbwttersoon: come to think of it, last time I dared look in the mirror I did see more grey than I'd like! I'm at the stage where I ought to decide if going grey gracefully looks better than dyeing it chestnut! There comes a point...

[Discounted]

I have almost the opposite problem to you Op, which makes me feel like a cow because it really shouldn't be a problem at all.

Life's a bit too comfortable. We have no money worries, are by no means rich but comfortable enough. DC young teens and have their moments but nothing too challenging so far, we have our health. Dh is lovely but not very exciting (neither am I) I have an OK job, could do with being more challenged but don't want to take on more when I don't need to because it is still good to be around for DC. I have the time and money to be able to do most things if I wanted to, but I can't think of anything I want....am feeling very dissatisfied with life but know I have no reason to, which makes it worse IYSWIM.

[nochocolateforlentteacake]

Ah, its the stage when you have to cut the strings of your dreams and let them fly away...

And you get flab where you didn't have flab, wrinkles, memory going, eyesight going...

[MrsRossPoldark]

My BF came over yesterday and we had a mutual moan - she's now back on the anti-depressants due to feeling so depressed she couldn't function; I had a breakdown at a hospital appointment to discuss replacing my breast prosthesis [10 years post-BC I had still been having regular surgery to try to correct things and have had enough] and have been referred to a counsellor.

She has two beautiful, independent DDs and I have 3 DSs all with various 'issues' - she is very comfortably off, whilst I am heavily in debt.

MLCs are obviously not related to ££, as Discounted intimated.

[2fat4that]

No, I guess not, but I can't help but think that a few £££s would definitely help here (just had both cars - one 12 years old and one 8 years old) break down this week and need repairing! Not happy ....

[2fat4that]

Also, the night sweats are getting worse - I now wake up every morning with my nightshirt drenched

[mumznet]

I know what it feels like, I have PCOS so I feel up and down. Abscess in gum so might need extraction in front teeth

think of the poor people who have no food, look at what luxuries we have, also many women can't have children, look at your blessings and you will feel better.

HTH

[mumznet]

also when you (and me too) do look at others and think they have perfect lives, its not true. They also have their own problems. I have also had a messed up time, life is not always easy but then I am happy with what I have. I wouldn't change it for anything.

[Beloved72]

I'm 49, struggling with low energy levels, my weight, a difficult teenager, a dc with special needs, a husband who is feeling hugely dissatisfied with work, and a scruffy house with loads wrong with it that we can't afford to fix.

I bring myself up and out of a low mood and negativity by listening to music, loving nature, reading great books, and searching for beauty around me in as many different places as I can. Sometimes it's hard as I live in a very ugly and rough area! But I find beautiful things and beautiful people. I recite poems in my head when I can - I love Shakespeare's sonnets and TS Eliot. This distracts me from negative andteivial chattering and puts wonderful and poignant images and thoughts in my mind.

There are beautiful and meaningful things all around us and you appreciate them more and more as you get older. At least I do! Art is the best solace for middle/old age...

[MrsRossPoldark]

Beloved72: yes there is much to be thankful for. I find my antidepressant of choice is running but haven't been going as regularly as I'd like due to work / children / and, yes, depression oddly! I'm off this week supposedly on leave but still have to : work on Wed to get end of quarter reports done / keep nagging MS15 to study for GCSEs / try to persuade other DSs to go out places with me / study for an exam / get that pile of ironing shifted / get shot of a nasty headachy flu bug / etc.

At times like this I lose perspective & just wish for pre-family freedoms. The days when I could just go for a walk without having to shout & rail at several others to come with me, as I can't just go off & leave them all at home. Those data will come if & when my kids ever move out but the economy is against that happening as my generation have screwed up their future well & truly so they can't leave the nest & we can't help finance them if they want to go to uni. My youngest is only 12, so I will be well over 60 by the time he leaves, so I dread not being fit enough to enjoy being just DH & me by then.

[Beloved72]

I've got a 9 year old. It's hard having mid-life issues while also still having quite young kids. Wish I'd had them earlier!

[crimsonh]

I can identify with many comments made on this thread.
48, no pension, LP with 2 teenagers, feeling that I made mistake somewhere in the past not being protective of my financial future.

Definitely solitting with my ex and having to look after my kids made me motivated to be a bit more career (money as well) oriented but as a result I feel exhausted with long commute. I was wise to choose niche speciality which will keep me studying and learning new technologies until I retire in my old age.
I have BF who is great companion but can't see us living together for at least 3 more tears until my kids go away to uni.

I am also feeling that I fail at trying to sort out my weight which makes me feel sad as I used to enjoy outdoor life a lot. Eating to cover being emotionaly all over the place and boredom as well! But then I haven't got the energy to do interesting things I'd like to try... vicious circle!

[nochocolateforlentteacake]

And hasn't everyone you know having better, bigger, more fun lives?

[MrsRossPoldark]

Nochocolate: it can seem that way but I have come to realise, after a visit to a gf today, that one couple I know, who seem to have the free romantic relationship we would all love are actually being very selfish, spiteful & neglectful of their nearest & dearest in order to achieve it. The grass is not always greener - it may be on their side of the garden, but only because they're sucking the life out of someone else's garden.

[goingmadinthecountry]

All this rings so true with me. I will have been married 27 years this week - half my husband's life and over half of mine. He seems old to me. The fun's gone. It's all money on tyres, insurance, catching up on a lean few months last year. I just want some fun because it's not fair. Every conversation is about something boring and expensive. I really do not want the next 27 years of my life to be like this. Sometimes I just want to run away. We really don't have much in common. Life used to be fun. I want to go back to who I was, or who I could still be.

[MrsRossPoldark]

Yep. And today the sun is shining gloriously, I have this week off work but I don't know why. I have grocery shopping to do (no food in as I've been ill, but no one else has 'got round' to doing any shopping for nearly a week). I have a pile of ironing to do and am wondering if I can put the board up outside to make the most of the sun.

My kids are all still in bed, as is DH, who says he's working from home today. I have this week off, but he doesn't so we haven't gone away anywhere. We live an hour's drive from the New Forest but I can't get there as I have to wait for everyone to get up, DS15 is meant to be studying all week for GCSEs, DS17 spontaneously combusts if he leaves his bedroom, and DH has told me several times he hates the New Forest cos there aren't any hills!! I'd go on my own, but I have to be home by 5 as DS12 has athletics training to go to and I'm supposed to be joining the road runners.

I'm disappointed that I have 3 DSs who won't go outside, a DH who won't get out of bed on his days off. It's all very well saying I ought to just go on my own, but I can't get in the shower to get up as I don't want to wake the others, or face the 'why didn't you stay in bed with me?' conversation!

My best gf is skiing in France with about 12 friends (I don't ski) and others with school age kids are away on holiday during what looks like the best week of the year so far weather wise. I might as well save my AL and go in to work. I only work p-t, 3 or 4 hours a day so if we're not going anywhere, I might as well work half a day and go somewhere in the afternoon. Come to think of it - that's what I'll do! At least that way, everyone might be up when I get home?!

[MrsRossPoldark]

Here's a thought: a friend who is in the first flush of his new romance said to me "we just like to please each other". Made me think that after 20 years & in a MLC, it's more about "trying not to piss the other one off too much".

Discuss.

[Octopus37]

This thread has scared me a bit, as some of it resonates with me a lot and I have only just turned 40, have two boys ages 7 and 5, so a long way off the freedom that I really crave. My metabolism seems to have changed very quickly, really need to lose a good half stone and I have got to stop eating food for comfort and seeing food as such a treat. Self-employed and like my work on the whole, but scared of the future repurcussions of this, ie pension (pay minimum amount into a private pension at the moment), scared of the menopause and what it will do to my mood and waistline, all seems very doom and gloom. BUT, a dear friend of mine died unexpectedly a day before her 49th birthday last year, it is coming up to the anniversary and I am fighting very hard (and will have to fight even harder) to make sure this isnt it. I am determined to lose my half stone at least, I still like wearing trendy clothes, Ii have started doing my make up differently, I regularly dye my hair different colours, I have sort of got a bucket list as well as a London bucket list and I am trying to take more care of my skin. I have quite a fear of dying and not having done or achieved very much, really feel that I must do more than just clean up after everyone as it feels very easy to get it a rut these days. Also on a bad day when family life feels stressful (there are quite a lot of them even though my DS's are healthy and lovely), I feel scared that me and DH wont make it, very hard to get a bit of time together but know we need to carry on working at it. Guess main fear is that over the next 10 years everything (finances, relationship, keeping my weight down, balancing my life) is going to get even harder. God I'm cheery.

[MrsRossPoldark]

Oct37: you are not alone.

Latest episode here involved calling family for dinner, followed by Ds2 poking Ds3; DH getting involved by shouting at them to stop; DS1 ending up in his room after flouncing off; me screaming at them all to "shut the f up" (I do try not to swear, I really do!).

How is it possible to go from a great morning at an athletics meet to the awful screaming matches that take place the second the whole family is together? I am so ashamed of having produced such an awful family & feel it's all my fault. I can't take the whole family out for a treat & feel I can't entertain in case the boys show themselves up. Is this really what families are all about?

I'm too old to cope with this. Feel like divorcing the whole sorry lot of them & walking away.

[McSantaPaws]

So Many things I want to comment on!!!

Am just 46. Dh forgot my birthday as he's stressed to the eyeballs and struggling with serious mental health issues. My family (his too) is dysfunctional and we've had 'goings on' recently. Two dcs 10 and 9. Am peri not that my gp would agree. Night sweats and clammy skin, moods - although I've always been a miserable cow. Been on ads for fecking years.

I think marriage and 'life long' partnerships is a fecking con. I love dh but want to run, run run sometimes. Just tired of all the grind. I hate weekends, it's always the same. Catching up on house work whilst dh winds down by locking himself in his room, whilst I deal with the kids. They're currently fighting about computer time. Sick of it, sick sick fucking sick. I never get time to myself. Desperate for a check out. Often think - how have I ended up like this?

I actually like to escape to work. Am part time, which is enough and enjoy my job. It hardly sets the world alight though.

Had a reunion a couple of months ago and it was like stepping back 20years, wierd

[dementedma]

Thank you OP. I have found my home!
51, 28 year marriage dead in the water, struggling to makes ends meet, still got 17 years on mortgage on flat....like we will still be working then. Can't afford to sell as have no savings and nowhere to go. Two adult dcs, one still living at home without a job, one at uni, without a part time job. 13 year old Ds who still need s me so can't walk out on dh. Menopausal, depressed and generally a torn faced misery. What happened to all the dreams and plans? Is this it?

[dementedma]

goingmad I could have written your post word for word.
No fun, no laughter, no physical enjoyment, no connection. The outside functions because one must be there for everyone at all times, but the inside has withered away and is dead. I plan to leave dh once Ds is through school. I will not throw the rest of my life away like this.......

[McSantaPaws]

Jeez yes, I've been thinking recently I feel dead inside.

Dh just came out for a short while, then I feel the resentment and sadness when he goes back into his room...

Yy to - is this it?

[McSantaPaws]

Demented - does your dh know or care if you're going to leave him?

[MrsRossPoldark]

McSantaPaws: telling DH how you feel is just the start - it's getting him to understand that's the problem. I feel bored frustrated and demoralised. And so f'g jealous all the time.

A mutual MF came over for a while earlier. He and his new GF are off this afternoon, sanding down the verandah on their new static caravan that they are renting out. Turns out the plan is for it to be one of several as they have spotted a hole in the market they can exploit to turn it into a viable business.

Just feels like yet another reminder of the failures and lack of excitement in my life. We had to sell our static caravan last year as we weren't allowed to rent it out commercially and we weren't using it enough to justify the cost. We had to sell a rental flat as we were so badly in debt, thus ruining our pension plans - the flat was our only source of income for our retirement and its gone. No pension plans at all now and DS3 is only 12 so years of parental responsibility ahead still.

The MF and his GF seem to have really gelled and are a very good partnership. They are so 'connected'. She recently left a successful career & I have taken that as a reminder that I never did have a career and that when DH did have our own business it crashed and burned as he turned it into a multinational conglomerate before it had even left the 'school fete' stage. We just couldn't work together and still don't operate as a team. Constant bickering that has now filtered down to the kids, who argue all the time.

I am surrounded by successful career women and my best friend is now a highly respected psychiatric nurse after a change of career and has just been offered a fantastic job opportunity while I am struggling in a p-t admin job which I love but still find I'm not doing even that well enough. DH recently found a high flying job and is now settling into being an expert in his field. I feel left behind and bored.

I would love to have been a high flying career woman with 3 wonderful children and a DH who showed me he loved me, but have ended up as bored middle aged Mum, with no prospects and a family of morons.

Even my planned surprise weekend for our anniversary has been tainted as it turns out DH hates the area of the country it's in! Can't do anything right.