Given my crap health and advanced years am I mad to think I can have another child?

[CountessDracula]

Because I really want one and so does dh

DD is now 4 (just).

When she was 1 we were going to start trying for another but I got glandular fever as those of you who were around then may remember. I was wiped out for the best part of a year so that was off the cards. It was horrific enough dealing with one with GF!

Once I was better we started trying again. It took us 3 years to conceive dd so I wasn't holding my breath, but we agreed that if nothing had happened by the beginning of this year that we would look at IVF.

At the beginning of this year I started getting kidney infections. After a load of tests and several weeks off work they discovered that I have reflux and 3 weeks ago I had a procedure to try and sort it out. Have been ill ever since, recovering and now with another kidney infection so it looks like it may not have worked. The next option is to have the kidney out which tbh I am tempted to do as while all this is going on I cannot ttc as (a) I have to have lots of scans and xrays that I can't have it pg and (b) I feel fucking awful and am in bed most of the day.

On top of this I have Crohn's disease and am on immunosuppressants (prob the reason why I got Glandular Fever). When dd was small I caught every bug she had as a result of this and was pretty knackered and ill a lot of the time. I am still on them so presumably this may happen again.

Also having dd almost killed me, had massive PPH and 9 hour GA while they tried to stop the bleeding and woke up in intensive care on ventilator.

So back to my thread title

I am 40 now, I am INSANE am I not, given all of this, to want another child. Well, not to want one but to be considering having one.

My main concerns

1. I will be ill/exhausted all the time again which will be no fun for me or dd or dh or the baby

1. Can I cope with all the sleepless nights again given I am so bloody old!

1. Will dd just hate and resent the baby given she would be 5 by the time it was born and has had all the attention all these years. We have a great time with her, having a baby will curtail a lot of what we do with her I guess.

1. I guess I could die this time, leaving dd with no mother and dh with no wife which would be selfish of me.

Sorry I just needed to get my thoughts down really, sorry it's so long.

heck.

i can sympathise, but not an awful lot i can help with, apart from to say that concern no. 3 is one that two friends with 4 or 5 year gaps had. it's been fine for both of them - older siblings have been great - in fact are sweeter and gentler than they were before.

Thanks Tutter

Ok I don't think age is really an issue. I have met a mother who had her only dc when she was 44 and where I live (Germany), mothers tend to be in their 30s or 40s when they give birth. It's more the norm than odd.

1-2 You're going to need a lot of help. Can you afford it? Can dh realistically take alternate night feedings off you so you sleep every second night? Who can help and how often? If you're going it all alone, I would honestly say - no.

1. Does she ever mention having brothers/sisters? You never know how this is going to work out. Dd (6) would love a younger brother. I think this is luck really.

1. Can you arrange for a Caesarian? Would you be happy with that, should be possible with your history.

So what about the kidney? Are you going to have it removed? One thing at a time I think. Maybe get this behind you first. See what is financially realistically possible. If you do go ahead, you have to make it as easy as possible on yourself.

Yes - can agree that the age gap wouldn't worry me either. I was 39 when I had DS, and there is a 4 year gap between him and DD - she's been absolutely lovely (well, mostly) with him, and it's been a great help to me. Good luck with what will be a very hard decision.

Wanting a child is so not about logic though. I have decided not to now, but did go through a stage of wanting another one even though -
we can't afford it
I had non identical twins last time, so a 1 in 4 chance it will be twins again
I am at a high risk of dvt during pregnancy
Have obstretic cholestasis
Had massive pph after twins

And yep, we seriously considered having another one. I have actually just started another thread about feeling ill. I also really struggle with picking up every thing from the children, I get it really bad as have severe Asthma.
Hope all this makes you feel that you are not alone!

Ssandy, I have lots of help, money not an issue. We have a nanny p/t atm who could go f/t again if necessary. Or I could get a mother's help. My mum also helps a lot, we have a cleaner, dogwalker etc so no worries on that front.

She does mention it sometimes, she says she would like a sister.

I would have to have a csection they have already said that.

I don't know about the kidney. I have to wait and see if this op has worked, have a scan in 3 weeks to see. The prob is that as time is so not on my side I just want to get on with it but I don't want to make rash decisions about organ removal because of this!

oh cd, I'm so sorry the kidney thing seems not to have worked

the age gap will be no problem and you are really still a spring chicken my dear

re your health - I guess only your doc will be able to tell you (crohns and kidney)

good friend of ours had massive PPH situation similar to yours and has gone on to have another (monitored closely and all that but was fine)

but if you really want another, I think you should go for it

"if in your heart of hearts, you really know that you want another, then I think that you might look back in 5 years' time and regret at least not giving it a try"

Yes that is what I think

I still think I may be mad though

I am already worried that dd will grow up remembering her mother as some semi bedridden old crone. (ok exaggeration I do still manage to hold down a v g job 4 days a week and have a good social life, but would I be able to after this!)

Overrun did what made you decide not to if you don't mind me asking?

I know this is not probably the answer for you CD, but have you thought about adoption? It may be absolutely wrong for you and your family, but could possibly be the answer to wanting to have another child but having reservations about going through the whole conception, pregnancy, birth and very early baby stage.

It is of course hellish trying to adopt (ask SueJonez!) but it is a different kind of physically-undemanding hell.

cd have you spoken to your specialist about ttc?

Issymum we have considered it but dh doesn't want to. He has an adopted sister who he gets on very well with but for various reasons I don't really want to go into here he doesn't want to adopt.

Pregnancy itself I loved I must say! Not worried about that bit.

Oh sweetie. I was just peeking in on MN but had to post.

It's easy for me to say 'go for it' (I was, as you know, 40 when I gave birth to DD2 but then I'd had no health or fertility problems); but yes, I think you should. Have you talked to the health professionals and what have they said?

Is there any reason to suppose that the circumstances of DD's birth will recur? If they do, I too would recommend an elective C-section. If not, you could see how labour goes. Or not, if you can't face it.

Re sleepless nights and so on: they were vile, of course they were, but I don't know if they were necessarily viler on account of my age. What you can do, regarding some of this, is throw money at the problem and that at least is something you do have. And you have family support and a lovely DH.

Re age of sibs - frankly I reckon it depends on the child. I suspect that if I presented the Inferiorettes with a sibling (now there's a thought - I'd be fortyfeckingfour even if I got up the duff tonight) my five year old DD1 would be quite enchanted whereas her sister has never been hog-whimpering wild about my wasting time on other babies which could be spent on her and her alone.

I say make arrangements - including the kidney (Beety's had one out, hasn't she)? And go for it.

Yes I have spoken to my crohn's specialist who says go for it, my kidney bloke who says wait til you get this out of the way and my GP who says go for IVF as soon as you can. Have appt to see gynae soon.

I have been in exactly your situation with age and health and although the doctors said they would support me they did seem to think thwe exhaustion and ill health I suffered due to immunosuppression would very likely be worse in a second pregnancy and that they couldn't guarantee the outcome I decided against it after much soul searching although I would be lying if I said I was completely happy to let it go.If you erally really want one how much support do you have and could your partner afford to take extended leave afterwards to help you out?I would also get the reflux sorted as the kidneys are under extra strain during pregnancy and reflux can cause scarring I hope you reach a decision that is good for both of you /FWIW I sometimes(OFTEN?) wish I had just gone for it xxx

omg what if I do have another and then decide that that is not enough
I hadn't considered that!

Also the thought of going through IVF does not fill me with joy I have to say. I have had so much time off work with this sodding kidney (must be 6 weeks this year) that I am not sure they would look kindly on me buggering off for ages to get up the duff

I think you've answered your own question - in spite of everything, you and your DH both really do want another one.

(I think a 5 year age gap is great, by the way - in fact I think that's probably what I'd choose if left entirely to my own devices rather than compromising with DH)

I know you have a lot of health stuff stacked up against you, but I must say that a lot of people have similar fears (will I cope?) before they have their second child

I really hope the kidney thing proves to be OK. Those kidney infections really take it out of you.

I would ask your consultant what they think. The medical profession tend not to encourage taking risks, so if they gave the go-ahead, you'd know it was pretty safe to do so.

Good luck!

Well - I have no idea if any of this will help, or indeed if it is what you want to hear, but here goes:

I was almost 42 when dd was born. The pregnancy was unplanned, a total shock, and absolute purgatory (due to hyperemesis and anaemia) all the way through. Labour and delivery jet propelled - had 2 normal deliveries before, and one miscarriage.
Older children were 7 and 10, thrilled with baby sister, she has had a huge impact on all our lives, positive and negative to begin with - extra mouth to feed, all clothes and baby stuff to beg borrow and buy again (gave everything to romanian orphanage when i turned 40).
Certain amount of sibling rivalry, but is really the most wonderful, delightful child, and I am so thankful to have her. Older siblings have learned patience and tolerance and are really good with small children.
It was tough getting up at night and just coping generally, and I still have days when I feel at least 90, not 50.

However - your health is not good. You recognise that and yes it is a huge consideration. Perhaps the best thing you could do would be to sit down and have the conversation with your GP/consultant/obstetrician so that you get a knowledgeable opinion from those people regarding the risks/impact of pregnancy and delivery.

I had all your main concerns - but I did not plan to conceive, and termination was not an option. I believe dd was meant to be, and indeed she has told me that I was "chosen" to be her mummy.
I have taken so long to write this, I bet it will have crossed with other posts, so hope I haven't offended or annoyed anybody else.
I do feel for you - I hope you will be able to reach a decision you are comfortable with, and that things will work out in a way that is right for you.

bloodyhowler were you on immunosuppresants as well? Were you ill during pregnancy? I wasn't, I had a great pregnancy. Thanks for your post it is good to know I am not alone. DH couldn't take extended leave but we could certainly get plenty of help. I would def. have a maternity nurse for a few weeks and then my mum could help then get a mother's help

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