Given my crap health and advanced years am I mad to think I can have another child?

[CountessDracula]

Because I really want one and so does dh

DD is now 4 (just).

When she was 1 we were going to start trying for another but I got glandular fever as those of you who were around then may remember. I was wiped out for the best part of a year so that was off the cards. It was horrific enough dealing with one with GF!

Once I was better we started trying again. It took us 3 years to conceive dd so I wasn't holding my breath, but we agreed that if nothing had happened by the beginning of this year that we would look at IVF.

At the beginning of this year I started getting kidney infections. After a load of tests and several weeks off work they discovered that I have reflux and 3 weeks ago I had a procedure to try and sort it out. Have been ill ever since, recovering and now with another kidney infection so it looks like it may not have worked. The next option is to have the kidney out which tbh I am tempted to do as while all this is going on I cannot ttc as (a) I have to have lots of scans and xrays that I can't have it pg and (b) I feel fucking awful and am in bed most of the day.

On top of this I have Crohn's disease and am on immunosuppressants (prob the reason why I got Glandular Fever). When dd was small I caught every bug she had as a result of this and was pretty knackered and ill a lot of the time. I am still on them so presumably this may happen again.

Also having dd almost killed me, had massive PPH and 9 hour GA while they tried to stop the bleeding and woke up in intensive care on ventilator.

So back to my thread title

I am 40 now, I am INSANE am I not, given all of this, to want another child. Well, not to want one but to be considering having one.

My main concerns

1. I will be ill/exhausted all the time again which will be no fun for me or dd or dh or the baby

1. Can I cope with all the sleepless nights again given I am so bloody old!

1. Will dd just hate and resent the baby given she would be 5 by the time it was born and has had all the attention all these years. We have a great time with her, having a baby will curtail a lot of what we do with her I guess.

1. I guess I could die this time, leaving dd with no mother and dh with no wife which would be selfish of me.

Sorry I just needed to get my thoughts down really, sorry it's so long.

CD - sorry to hear about the kidney problems - you poor thing. FWIW we've been trying for No2 for 2 years and have just had IVF. I have a DS who is 5 and I worried for eons about having a large age gap etc but actually I do think it will be easier. OK I'm not expecting a walk in the park but DS is old enough to have his own interests - school etc and not to need me quite so much. He's also desperately excited. Re: IVF, it isn't the most pleasant thing ever and you should certainly speak to them about what effect the drugs might have on your kidney etc
I think the psychological side of IVF is just as difficult as the physical side. You should try and think about how many times before you start (although obviously prepare to change your mind). And - hard though it is- try to take each day as it comes.

"...how may times you'll try..."

sorry

Should also have said CD, sorry to hear about your health problems, I wasn't aware of them before, but you sound a very strong and determined person, who could probably cope with most things, so two children hey, if any one could......

I think this sounds like a good plan too!

When we were 'going for' DD2, I kept telling myself that the worse thing that could happen is that it didn't work out and we would have 'just' DD1 and she was such a good 'worst thing' that was fine. As you know we 'got' DD2 and whilst DD1 was somehow viscerally essential, DD2 has from the very first felt and continued to like one of life's rare and extraordinary bonuses.

That's a lovely way to put it Issymum.

CD- if you have any questions about IVF then CAT me and I'll certainly share my experiences with you (although obviously I'm just one example).

Oh believe me I know I am blessed to have dd!

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I had had to have a hysterectomy then i wouldn't ahve to go through this

Thanks Katierocket I may do that.

Wanting a child can be a real physical need though and it's hard to move past that feeling.

Post Partum Cardiomyopathy.

Its funny that you say that Countess Dracula, as I have sometimes thougth the same about the hysterectomy. I was so devestated when they told me that they thought it was likely that they would need to do it when they took me back into surgery.
But since I have wondered if it might have stopped the wondering, yearing. As I said, think we will stop now, but there will be a part of me thinking about it until the menapause proves to me that I can't do it

Ah yes I see

Yes it is isn't it? Every time I see siblings together I get that feeling. Especially more grown up ones, I think oh god dd won't have that. And nor will we.

Go for it, CD
It's not an impossible equation, there are lots of things on your side.

Concerns 1 & 2 mitigated by lots of help available
3 - I think your dd will be happy with or without a sibling
4 - surely pretty unlikely? What likelihood would a doctor really put on you dying as a result of this?

Sorry to hear about your health problems CD. Your plan sounds really sensible. I thought I'd just add another one about the age gap - I have nearly 5 years and was a bit dubious about how my DD would take to the idea. It has been much, much better than I could have hoped and her and DS play beautifully now, which is a great bonus as I didn't think that would necessarily happen. However, if DS hadn't have been born I'm 100% sure she would have been perfectly happy anyway, so a win win situation.

I think you should try, you may always wonder about it if you don't.

Whatever happens you'll cope with it.

Exactly, Issymum, well put!

CD, also happy to be on the CAT list for IVF if you need more

Having a plan is the hardest part - well done!

Thanks Eliboo

my email address is countessdrac at gmail dot com it may just be easier if you email me!

Will do, cd - am on dh's laptop (hiding in kitchen pretending to prepare supper while he baths dd!) so will wait till I can use own email address later

I can't answer all your questions but BabyDragon was born one month before DS2 turned 5. I was worried he'd be upset and resentful at not being the littleset but he adores her. In fact when, in one particular black moment, I said I would have to give her away to another family because she cried too much, be burst into tears, distraught. Yes, it's been tough with the sleepless nights etc etc but both boys adore her. You can't tell how a child will react to gaining a sibling until it happens though. I looked at the photos of DSs together when doing that montage thingy and finally realised that DS2 was the best gift I could have given DS1.

But being an only's fine too, and given your health complications it may seem the sensible option. Can you talk it through with your doctor to see what he has to say about the medical implications?

Mind you, if you did go for another you'd have to visit Disney again...

Can't really comment on the health side - but on the age thing NO YOU ARE NOT SO BLOODY OLD! (doesn't mean you won't be knackered thou'......

CD, have nothing useful to add really as others have given great support and advice.

I think it's quite important that you are aware of your health problems already and have various professionals who can advise you on possible outcomes. I had ds at just over 40, was fine up until then, but I haven't been too great since which makes things quite hard at times.

But also on the plus side, you are financially secure and have your mum nearby. These things do matter tbh!

I think your plan sounds very sensible and I wish you all the very best.

Thank you all so much

It's times like this I am so grateful for you!

I had a miscarriage, dd1 at 36, miscarriage, dd2 at 38, 4x miscarriages, was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism, got my thyroxine, had ds at 43. Never too late! Tired - obviously I haven't slept properly for about 9 years! - but nothing is as hard as number 1 IMHO. At least with subsequent ones you think you know what you're doing or you're confident enough not to care so much! We wouldn't have chosen such a big gap, but it worked out fine - girls get on with their own stuff and he gets lots of attention from them. They're at school so he gets my attention too then.

I was 42 and DH 50 when we had twins, we are knackered, you can't regret it but its sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tiring, they are 3 now, and we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, except for the fact that they are beautiful, entertaining and fill our lifes with laughs and love!

We get 5 hours broken sleep, every night!

But go for it