Given my crap health and advanced years am I mad to think I can have another child?

[CountessDracula]

Because I really want one and so does dh

DD is now 4 (just).

When she was 1 we were going to start trying for another but I got glandular fever as those of you who were around then may remember. I was wiped out for the best part of a year so that was off the cards. It was horrific enough dealing with one with GF!

Once I was better we started trying again. It took us 3 years to conceive dd so I wasn't holding my breath, but we agreed that if nothing had happened by the beginning of this year that we would look at IVF.

At the beginning of this year I started getting kidney infections. After a load of tests and several weeks off work they discovered that I have reflux and 3 weeks ago I had a procedure to try and sort it out. Have been ill ever since, recovering and now with another kidney infection so it looks like it may not have worked. The next option is to have the kidney out which tbh I am tempted to do as while all this is going on I cannot ttc as (a) I have to have lots of scans and xrays that I can't have it pg and (b) I feel fucking awful and am in bed most of the day.

On top of this I have Crohn's disease and am on immunosuppressants (prob the reason why I got Glandular Fever). When dd was small I caught every bug she had as a result of this and was pretty knackered and ill a lot of the time. I am still on them so presumably this may happen again.

Also having dd almost killed me, had massive PPH and 9 hour GA while they tried to stop the bleeding and woke up in intensive care on ventilator.

So back to my thread title

I am 40 now, I am INSANE am I not, given all of this, to want another child. Well, not to want one but to be considering having one.

My main concerns

1. I will be ill/exhausted all the time again which will be no fun for me or dd or dh or the baby

1. Can I cope with all the sleepless nights again given I am so bloody old!

1. Will dd just hate and resent the baby given she would be 5 by the time it was born and has had all the attention all these years. We have a great time with her, having a baby will curtail a lot of what we do with her I guess.

1. I guess I could die this time, leaving dd with no mother and dh with no wife which would be selfish of me.

Sorry I just needed to get my thoughts down really, sorry it's so long.

Tricky one.

I'm in my early 30s but having my second has taken an incredibly toll on my body. I am in physio all the time for back and joint problems which are all pregnancy and birth related.

Some weeks I have had days of going to bed and not being able to move due to numbness/paralysis. It's been terrifying for me to think that maybe that could become permanent.

The problem is that if I became bed-ridden, we would not be able to afford to live the way we do now.

So maybe you could factor in the economic cost of having full-time help if needed - if that would cripple you, I would say be very very cautious about making a decision to have another.

Ah just seen your post saying that money isn't a problem. In that case I would probably just go for it.

If you don't try you won't know. I'm 40 and gave birth a bit earlier this year. If a little somebody wants to come along they will!

CD. you know what i think.

i think that wanting another is like a physical need and that nothing anyone can say will make it go away. nothing but time and greiving for a child not had

you are a fantastic mum. your dd is lovely, superbright massive personality and beautiful.

but as I understand it you have been told that if you were to have another child it would be a serious risk to your life. and as your friend, very selfishly, it fills me with dread to think of you taking that risk.

the grieving process cannot start until you totally lay to rest the thought of having another one.

i know you're going to go for IVF, and do you know, I do and don't hope it works. I'm so scared of the risk of losing you...and you've downplayed that on this thread, but it is a real risk.

i know what it is like to want another one badly, you know that. so go for it. go for IVF this once. if it works, i'll be there stuffing homeopathic remedies down your gob and looking after dd and doing anything i can to keep you safe and well....and i'll shit myself...

I don't know how serious the risk of another dangerous haemmorhage is. If it is very high, and if I were you, I would not go for it. But I do understand the NEED for another child. Which is why I have two myself. How does your dh feel about any risk you would be taking?

I do agree with sophable that the acceptance of not having another is a very definite grieving process which tbh I thought I was over until I read this!However this thread has helped me talk to dp again and let him know I am still struggling so as you can see either decision is difficult and will take a lot out of you which ever way you decide to go.I have several friends and family who felt like sophable with regards to the risk to me and although I did listen to them it was ultimately our decision I really feel for you xxx

Can't really add to all the useful advice and insights you've had here CD. You are going into the idea better resourced and informed than many, which will hopefully work in your favour.
I could not agree more with Issymum - we went for another child when I was 39 despite a stillbirth that summer. By this time we assumed ds would be our only living child, so dd's arrival a year later was very much a life-enhancing bonus.
There is 4 and a bit years between them and ds loves her deeply. He is honest about the niggles but their shared life made the high-risk, high-intervention pregnancy I went through worth it all. Two is not better or worse but beautifully different. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just read Sophable's post about having another being a serious risk to your life and I'm now coming from a different perspective on this.

I have just spoken to my very dear friend who called from hospital to say that hopefully she will be able to go home tomorrow. She had a baby about 4 weeks ago, really easy delivery, everything completely fine. Unfortunetly she went on to develop a number of breast abcesses & septicemia and things became critical head last Thursday when she nearly died. She's minus a layer of skin, has a great big hole in her boob and there's some concern about her kidneys long term, but thank goodness her 3 children have a mother and she will be OK.

It's been a complete shock, she's a fit, healthy 32 year old and well up on medical matters as both her and her DH are nurses. I'm sure her reaction would be that having her gorgeous new DD makes things feel much better and she doesn't regret a moment of it. But I suspect very much that she would say that if had any idea that this would have happened she would have made the decision not to have another, I could be wrong though (hope that makes some kind of sense, I'm still a bit shocked at what has happened and probably not being clear about what I mean).

I think you need to have a really really good ideas from your doctors of what a further pregnancy would do to your health and wish you luck with this because I understand it must be an incredibly hard decision to make.

Ah. Yes. A serious risk; I hadn't taken that in.

I'll be behind Soph, sweetie.

Message withdrawn

My biggest fear in life is leaving my children w/no mother whilst they are not adults.

IF it came down to another pregnancy posing a serious risk to my life, and I'd gotten the opinion of at least two doctors on that, well, no contest: MY wants and desires are and always will be secondary to my daughters' needs.

I knew that when I decided to get pregnant.

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

I guess in that sense I agree w/Soph and MI.

Not read thread but how would you feel if you didn't have another child?

At 42, working full-time, with an 8-year gap between my eldest and my still-waking-once-or-twice-per-night 17-month old, just having one seems like bliss to me now!

If you don't think you'd regret not having another, I'd be tempted to stay as you are.

sophable you have just made me blub all over my desk (luckily am at home)

I guess my main concern is obv the health thing (given I posted in health)

We did go and see the Prof after having dd, he said that they didn't really know if it would happen again but that they would give me a csection at 38 weeks and have vascular surgeons etc standing by

However, the first time they did induce me for a week unsuccessfully. So the pph was probably due to the fact that my womb was exhausted from all that and that is why it wouldn't contract. And after all they did managed to sort it out. I would be shitting myself though.

WTF can't you grow a baby in a jar in this day and age???

If someone told me that it posed a serious risk to my life there is no way on earth I would have another.

If I didn't have another I would live. I would have to get over it and grieve etc but as sophable says I have a gorgeous dd whose personality is big enough for 10. Honestly when she was born after all that hoo hah I thought that's it, I am so blessed to have a child that I though I would never have, I am happy with one.

And I still am really

But you know what it's like, it's insidious. The more you see other kids with their siblings the more it makes you feel bereft. Or you feel like you are robbing them of that relationship. I know she would be fine as an only child, she is very sociable and outgoing and loving and dh and I are happy to spend the extra time with her and include her friends in stuff we do etc. In some ways I am sure she would be better off!

In response to point 1: my mother was registered disabled, was often on less than top form physically, and was quite limited in what she could do. She was the best mother in the world and if I can be half as good as she was, I will be very proud of myself.

i really think that health is the main consideration cd. you WILL be exhausted, but you'll get through it. you will feel you can't cope with the sleepless nights but you will. dd will hate and resent the baby and love it too. sod all of those. you know it's hell on a stick for a couple of years and then just gets better and better, and just knowing that will get you through it.

you need a serious assessment of what the health implications are: not just of the birth process itself but of pregnancy and the first year. can you have the conversations again? you seem remarkably unhampered by your very real health issues (crohn's, resultant immunosuppressants, resultant coughs/colds/glandular fever etc + now this kidney thing), but i know that they take their toll and you have to watch yourself.

i know you hate all that, but please please consider having some counselling (there are specialists in this field, i know one!) to get closer to what is going on for you with regard to having another one and to help you through no matter what happens. if it was me, i'd be doing that now, in tandem with trying.

do you remember with me how my whole impetus just faded when i passed the age gap of me and my sister? it really brought home to me how much other stuff is going on when we have a deep longing for a child....i think that is the case for all of us. untangling that may make you feel all the more determined to go for it, or not, or it may just help you through the process whatever happens.

i think it is pointless trying to put you off this....it just doesn't work, it feels like an arm is missing (i know that feeling) and until something happens to change the way that feels (which has happened to me, thank god) it is basically an all consuming obsession that comes in waves and hits you sideways when you're least expecting it.

you will have a lot of support....a lot. i'll be stalking you. so will mumsnet. and your parents will back you 100% once you decide for sure to do it.

get through the xmas period (that really is insane: thinking you can not party for the next month ) and then go full on detox in jan and go for the ivf.

unless having some more conversations with the health professionals (and i wouldn't trust the ones that are selling you ivf or obstetric services in this respect! ask your crohn's doc and kidney doc) really make you sure that you really are risking your life. in which case you just can't do it to dd. it would absolutely not be fair.

Blimey, I've got tears in my eyes now

CD, good luck!

I'd say if it didn't affect your health too too badly then go for it. My mum was 39 when I was born(40yrs ogo!).

Check out your health and then GO FOR IT!!

Toughie sorry CD only read Op as pc time is short (damned kids )
Would having a baby further compromise your health?
Would it impair the life of your dd if while you recovered physically
Would being pregnant mean coming off meds that you need to stay healthy or cause you to avoid treatment?

These are the things that would make me think long and hard.
I wish you luck thinking about it. what does your DH think?

sophable, you should write a book!

I'd buy it!

cd, I emailed you last night but have had gremlins in my Outlook Express recently...let me know if you didn't get it.

I've read Sophable's post (good friends like that are worth sooo much, eh ) and your more recent ones and it still sounds to me as though you need more feedback/clarity on the health issues, if only for your own confidence in going ahead. Though I don't think for a minute you'd go ahead if anyone told you you were risking your life; just, speaking from experience, much better to go forward feeling you've done all you can to make sure its a safe thing to do.

Completely off the wall thought - have you thought about surrogacy?

hi,

Just wanted to add - I'm in a similar-ish situation. I've got Crohn's (had it for 10 yrs) and both my dcs were born prem, probably as a result. Thankfully I am well enough not to have taken steroids on 2 yrs but when i came off them I had a series of colds and infections culminating in a horrible serious pneumonia. I am 32 so still young-ish...
I'd love another baby but dh really doesn't want one because of the health stuff / risk of prematuriy again. I feel very weepy if I think about it too much.

So, don't know what to say except I know how you feel and hope you find the right answer for you!

Wow, not much to add, but Sophable's posts have been magnificent (along with many others here). I only had one (but I did have stepchildren--however not the same really) and there are times when I am niggled with regrets, as I near 50 I know it is not meant to be and honestly I could not handle the infancy again.

I know you have been suffering with these health issues and the kidney being the latest, you have been through so very much CD! You are doing all of the right things in terms of your plan, you know this. If you are going to risk your life, you know that you should not attempt to have another child, it would not be fair to your beautiful DD and to your DH. I am big into alternative stuff and cranio-osteo--I really think you might find some additional healing there along with your medical treatments, I wish you all the best and hope that everything turns out the way that you want it to.