Yesterday, I found out that ... and I'm scared.

[GoodnessKnows]

I will be brief as I feel like I've entered a time warp where my brain has frozen, incapable of long sentences:
Had hip pain and have been waking at 3am most nights with back pain (not terrible) for about 1-2 years.
Thought I needed a firmer mattress.
Finally went to consultant.
Two MRIs and an X-ray later, I was ushered into a private room having just been told that a large tumor is at the base of my spine.
They called me back in within one working day of the second MRI.
I'm now waiting for a biopsy which will be on Wednesday or Saturday of next week - to determine its 'nature'.
Scared
Shocked
There was talk of chronic bone erosion in the lower back as a result of this thing. Also discussion of nerve paths and tumors, rare cases and cups of tea.
Now, lying awake as usual in mild discomfort, I'm in utter shock and disbelief.

X post, sorry.

How are you feeling now you know 'when'?

Thank you for understanding, Tob. My life has been thrown up in the air and although in standing (pain-free) on the ground, being a mummy of two young chdten and working hard, I know it's about to change.
At least I have a date.

Phew, congrats on date, and glad DH can get home in time.
There's progress!

Thank you, Helza. How's you?

In a state of blissful happiness, having just filed my tax return!

Lolling. Yup. Did mine last week (with help from DH). Phew!

I got help from DH too. He got a kiss for that! I miss those days when I was on PAYE and could airily dismiss such things. I'm going self employed so they probably won't get any easier!

I'm self employed. DHs are helpful. You got it in just in time. Aaaaah. And breathe

Hi Goodness, I don't know your circumstances but if you are self employed and are up to date with your NI you might be able to claim Contribution based ESA if you are unable to work during your recovery. I got this quite easily (one of the few things that was easy) and most of the application was by phone.

www.gov.uk/employment-support-allowance/what-youll-get

It would be worth ringing to check. Hope you are bearing up.x

Thank you so much. Really useful. I'll follow that up. How are you now?

Hate
Hate
Hate The Wait

But dreading (literally) the next bit, too.
Wish I didn't know.
Gd must know I'm a control freak. These times make me try to believe more.
Trying to put it to the back of my mind...but tips following me everywhere. In keeping busy. Very. I've also a desperate urge to tidy the house. Mostly 'cos I won't be able to for a while afterwards and may well have a few visitors. But every time I sit down quietly, it creeps up on me. In the cinema, driving, etc.
I have this nervous feeling. Feel sick. Often.
People call and I can't even talk about it. Only when I'm in a moment of blind panic can I talk about it. Rest of the time I have to push it out of my mind and talk about something else. Anything. Or I'll feel sick and panicky. Like someone's sitting on my tummy.
How will my children find it? My son is particularly sensitive. My daughter is too little to understand. They won't understand that I am more poorly AFTER going into hospital than before. For weeks and weeks. That I can't take them anywhere. That I might be a bit down or in pain sometimes. I'll find that hard too.
Ranting. Being self piteous and dramatic. There are worse things. A lot worse. It'll all be over in a few months. In time for the summer.
Wish I could actually FEEL a reason for going through this. It'd make it easier to face and I might feel more ready and willing. Seems so unnecessary and frightening from where I'm standing.

Maybe you are the kind of person who would be reassured by more information. On the other hand maybe it would give you more to worry about. I think your reactions are completely normal right now. It's entirely natural to be nervous.
Have you got anybody to help out after the op? Friends to take your DCs to school, that kind of thing?
Try not to over worry about the op. The surgeons will be well experienced at what they're doing. Easy to say all this, I know. I just don't want you to waste a moment of your life worrying unnecessarily!

Popping in so i don't fall off the thread....

I know. It's school a waste of energy. Good thing is that I'm trying to clean up the house with an urge more powerful than pregnancy nesting! It's about bloody time! Quite unexpected. The decluttering threaders on MN would be v proud! Lol
I have a couple of nice mummies who've agreed to take my son to school and I have someone who helps worth childcare while I work. She's fabulous and is going to help with the children. My DH will take two weeks off work but not sire whether I'll need anyone to look after me after that. Can't expect my childminder to look after me, too!

You could open up a whole new market in mummy minders, Goodness. I could see them being very popular. I'm sure everyone will rally round to help you. Just persuade DH not to seem too strong and capable!

I'll try. He's v good at putting a positive and calm front on things. Convinces himself - which is quite lonely for me but I'm glad as he is less stressed as a result.

You sound like my twin in so many ways Goodness .
My partner was a bit too good at being "not worried" ,sometimes I wished/wish he'd appeared a little bit more concerned . But agree far easier than a partner who collapses .

Sadly I didn't get the house cleaning bug !

So understand the feeling well ,having to have big op that will make me feel unwell scenario ! Your head understands it but your feelings protest .

You have no choice ,imagine what it would be like if you did ? One foot ...

Ginger, how are you? So very glad someone can relate to this horrible feeling ;)
I hope you're ok

I'm ok thanks Goodness . Much better than I thought I would be !

Still getting used to my new digestion and TBH still processing what happened to me .

Not quite such a shock as you've had ,but I too had minor symptoms which meant I had to have major op . I don't know whether to think I had cancer or I have it . The former I think ,but it lurks of course !

I honestly found the waiting before the op was the worst bit , easier in a way when the day arrived and I had to get on with it .

Can you go for a walk while it's not raining or are you at work ?

Hi Goodness, glad the ESA info was useful.

I'm a big one for clearing up when stressed. I buy far too many cleaning products and do mad things like clean the BBQ (that was in March just before birth of ds1). There are loads of things that will be useful you can set up now.

Someone who collects and delivers ironing
Help cleaning the house, twice weekly if possible
Make sure the cleaner will change beds
Online shopping set up
Think of upcoming birthdays etc and sort out now
Help with garden
Dogwalker (?)
Fix any urgent stuff round the house
Check if any insurance etc due soon
Inform schools of likely upset
Buy dry shampoo and hair bands
Waste bottle for easy drinking in hospital
If worried about washing and dressing contact SS or a private care provider, it's not only for the elderly and quite reasonable. If you have an hour they will wash up, put washing in etc.
Stock up the freezer with Cook meals or similar.
Get a GTech floor sweeper, they are magic! Just the cheap one though.
(amazon)
You have probably done all this and more.

You will be fine, your family will be fine.

Your pain will be controlled, that's something the hospitals really are good at.

Getting through this waiting time has to be the worst. Keep posting.xx

Hello Ginger. What happened to you? Forgive me as I've a strong suspicion you've already told me - but this has turned me into a Me-Me Machine. I've been a rabbit in headlights without the capability to take in anything anyone else was really saying - other than leads out of the 'hole' if found myself in.
Was it you who had to have a large part of your stomach taken away?
Are you in much pain? Able to eat?

Matilda, have you had to think this all through for yourself in similar circumstances - or do you just have incredible clarity and foresight? Lol
Amazingly useful list!
Think I've got most of it covered. Trying to keep busy (not hard as I've a 6 and a 3 y old, work crazy hours, etc.).
It's pudding me off that some people are shutting me up by telling me to 'think positive'. I'm alright most of the time but am finding it harder to smile and am constantly plagued by the background tapes of my mind.
The op is two weeks from today. My DH booked dry slope skiing in my last Saturday. I'm hoping to go salsa dancing (probably cinema) this Saturday. Splurging on all treats that may prove to be difficult for a whole afterwards.
My DH is going to blummin' India this weekend for a week, arriving home about three days before the op. Crappy. Would have liked him to have been here for when I wake in the night, frightened. But he'll have to take time off work soon so best bit to create problems.
Feel like I need tk make every second of pain-free movement count!
Feeling pissed off and sorry for myself having had other illnesses before, too. Hey ho. Hoping that if I cld get through those, this'll be a walk in the park.
Feels more dark than park at the mo. though.
One thing's for sure: the British economy is benefitting great from my state of anxiety! Lol

Oh Goodness - I want to say how well you're doing . But that's a silly thing to say ,as I know you must be feeling dreadful a lot of the time .

Almost as silly as saying " you'll be fine " . I used to want to bite people's heads off when they said that ,and there's a lot of it as you're wheeled off for the op .As if the pre op showering ,changing into a clean gown etc etc isn't enough to scare you to death by making you feel out of control and like a sacrificial lamb ! But what can they say ? Though some recognition of how you're feeling would help I think .

I nearly had a fit when having arrived at theatre and just prior to anesthetic they wanted me to confirm what op I was having . It was really unreasonable of me but it was just like the last straw - I think I'd been trying to keep my head in the sand and here they were wanting me to pull it out . Luckily a kind person said it for me ,so I only had to nod !

Mentioning this really in case it happens to you .

You don't sound at all " me me " ,quite the opposite . I had my oesphageous and a third of my stomach removed . And the remaining stomach made into a new oesphageous . The whole op and hospital bit was fine - a million times easier than I had anticipated . And if it's any comfort ,only goes to show how totally amazing the surgeons are these days . And how excellent the NHS can be in situations like that .

One foot in front of another - as that childrens book says - there's no way round it ,no way under it etc ,you just have to go through it .

Hugs .

I don't usually worry about correcting my grammar and spelling but think you said you were an assessor for dyslexia ? ,so the people's might grate ?
Should it be peoples' ?

You're so spot on. I was asked what they were taking a CT of the other day. How do I know? If they ask which op I'm having, I'll feel exactly as you did. As I went under general to have the biopsy, I was crying and shaking, telling the anaesthetist that I only knew about it last week and had a 3 & a 6 year old. It was and still is too much to absorb. Can't cope without head stuck in sand mist of time. Feeling sad but it's cos I feel scared. DH going to India on business this Saturday until next Friday (4 days before op). Pusses off and... more scared. Need and want him here. For when I wake at night scared n worrying. To spend the last of my TWO Saturday nights (only ones I get to go out) doing stuff I'll inevitably be unable to do for who knows how long!
Pissed off. Don't want him in India need him here. Well. No Deli belly. No distance.
Eurgh
You've been through and are still going through so much. I know how hard it is to know what to say. I worry about what to say to others in situations worse than mine and with procedures unknown to me. Things I hope never to know about. Clubs I'd rather not be in but need like hell at the moment. Shit, isn't it. But wonderful - absolutely wonderful - to have others like you holding my hand and sharing similar experiences emotionally. I don't know HOW I'd cope without it. Quite frankly, it's very different and something family and friends can't offer - not because they aren't trying, just because their lives are ... as mine was.