really I totally agree with gigs wise words. It is hard to believe in the early days but you will reach a point when you accept what has happened and can be happy again. It happened for me on a walk, I looked up at the sky and suddenly realised that I was no longer feeling scared, panicky etc. and could take pleasure from the world. I think getting out, going for a walk can help lift your mood. However it is really normal to find the middle of the night especially difficult, somehow everything is so much worse around 4 am. And you definitely need a good cry sometimes. In the longer term i found trying to take my thoughts to better places helped. I tried relaxation, tensing up every bit of the body and then releasing it focusing on each bit of the body in turn so first, fingers and toes, then arms and legs, then up through the body to the neck and finishing, most importantly with the jaw and forehead. I also focused on visions, mainly places I planned to go after chemo (planning those trips is good too) imagining myself on a beach, visiting temples, on a mountaintop, all of which I have realised except one ( which hopefully will happen one day but was delayed by my friend's mental illness not mine, there can always be more of life's shit down the line ) I really immersed myself in imagining the sand between my toes, the smell of mountain air etc. it is very personal what has meaning for you but we have had fun on here with visions that involve Damian Lewis and other orange men, some werdos even go for Peter Andre ........ I am a bit of a geek so I had an excellent Lord of the Rings one involving my team, Sean Bean, Orlando Bloom, Viigo whatsit and David Wenham ( may have to sack him after Top of the Lake ) etc slaughtering all the mishapen disorganised orcs / cancer cells. We are not great fans of the fighting analogies when you have Cancer but still nice to think of them being dramatically slaughtered and having all those nice men on my side 
mas is a great expert on mindfulness, ridding your brain of the clutter of worries about the past and future and focusing on the moment, and I am sure can explain it better than me.
ecco sorry you have have had a setback, I do think that you recover from surgery quickly at first but it is the long slow achy stage that is most difficult, and it is easy to overdo it and take a couple of steps back.
malt ticking off the days now...
Betsy I agree with smee that you should keep challenging your dose, perhaps talk it through with a BCN, you should not have to feel so scared. The way they calculate the dose height * weight is very crude and they should calibrate it according to your body's ability to cope, and especially as you say it is a much higher dose than others on here, even just to make sure they have done the calculation properly and not put a wrong number down by mistake, it happens. My lovely Onc commented that the dose was probably OTT for me because although I am tallish, my legs are disproportionately long and so my poor shorter persons body was having to deal with a higher dose IYSWIM. May explain why the chemo never made it to my leg hair follicles
I caught the end of the Women's Hour round up yesterday and a discussion of the Latest Tamoxifen story, it will be on iplayer, it was the last item. Interestingly a doctor was commenting that often there is a failure by time pressed doctors to fully understand the impact of long term side effects, and that is where BCNs can come in, trained to properly probe the reality, so they don't get misled by the drama queens and stoics. I assume that was in the context of women stopping taking Tamoxifen because of the side effects without talking it through properly with their doctors, because they don't feel they will be taken seriously? He added though that what women often don't realise is that there is a lot they can do to help with side effects, including hot flushes, including switching to other drugs or giving progesterone. They also had a couple of women on who had had bad side effects.
Had a lovely night out last night after DH and friend's husband went to the rugby. She had BC, chemo etc 17 years ago, and was my inspiration when I was diagnosed that I could get through and survive this. DHs were a waste of space though, something to do with the 10 beers consumed during the match.....