38th tamoxifen - waiting for summer in the bus shelter

[Gigondas]

New thread.

Earth on transport. How ridiculous. On chemo, it's bound to be better than you're expecting. I had a massive anxiety headache on first one as was so stressed, but in the end it was mostly boring and took an age. Any side effects don't tend to hit until later on, so don't worry too much about them for now. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. x

MAS, I can see how you feel a bit detached and I'm all for confronting and thinking through and around fears, but then I'd bet that's right some days and not at all on others, so you take care amidst it all. That carpet sounds horrid. Am sure I'd have run..

Malt chips sound good. You've made me want some now.

Drain gone. Yay! I cycled to the hospital. Very life affirming, but feeling a bit like I overdid it now..

x-posted with you Kitkat. Yay on perfect heart.

Kitkat I hate only being able to do one side I've told dh and dd to tell me honestly if I smell ! Like you shower every morning so sure I don't but just don't feel as clean, hate having to use a roll on too and no wet shaving! Gosh what a trivial moan sorry !

Smee good for you for cycling! I only get on a bike when we go to center parcs on holiday

Malt, we're cycling nuts in this house. DH has 4 bikes..

That not being able to use deodorant is horrid. How long before you both can? Have they said?

Earth grr about transport.
I did google the ruth picadie book, I couldn't risk reading it at the mo. I read the street cat bob book last week and found it very emotional! fell asleep on bus this morning and woke up in interchange

Wow this is moving so quickly !

earth that transport issue is indeed crazy ..... how anyone is expected to sit around for that long is really mad !

topsy I am missing my daily coffee and Helicopter Rescue viewing ... I am off tomorrow so can I come round after school run !

gigs Did you get a bot of a nurse ratchett this morning ? I actually complained to mine and told her I had had to get painkillerws prescribed after she hurt me so badly, She was a lot more gentle after that but could not help but experiment with the dressings and use alternatives for no good reason ...... she does my head in ! I always hope for nice nurse .... I am still on pretty heavy duty dressings and am back tomorrow for a check up.

As for looking at the cancer web sites, I had more or less convinced myself I never had cancer, just surgery to get rid of my body parts and rebuild them ..... only every now and again do i get a panic attack that my body is obviously able to produce cancer cells ! I am so scared of leaving my children :(

Also gigs softplay was fine on Saturday thanks followed by yesterdays activities of ten pin bowling, followed by more softplay then a trip to a lovely park with a miniature railway and bike trails (I had the boys' bikes in the car, maybe I need one too !) then a trip to my friends for coffee and biscuits - she has just lost her mum :(

I used roll on deo pretty soon after my SNB (yikes- probably wasn't meant to)

ruby I have a big tub of the Neutrogena comfort balm - am looking forward to soft and lovely hands and feet.
smee thanks - I just feel a bit freakish in my reactions to dx. Today I made a playlist of funeral music so am in a bit of a weird state.
The first week at meditation I had flipflops and bare feet and ignored the request to leave shoes downstairs by door -= I think I'd have flipped wioth anxiety about letting my feet touch the carpet.

Hnd think the fear of leaving the children is the worst thing, though sometimes I worry more about dh as they will grow up and move away and he will be on his own

Don't know how long we can't use deodorant for, I suppose till wound heals?

Mas funeral music are you ok if that's not a silly question ?
Wondering how lily maid is too, didn't see her post over the weekend

Planning for funeral- I have done mine. I used to cry about it but now have rationalised it with all other stuff you do like making a will as we all die. I just hope it's not too soon.

Malt that is my worry too. Being brutal in natural order, kids lose their parents. It's not right but I can prepare support for them, make sure they have money etc - none of Eric replaces me but does try to soften blow. Dh is older than me- he never thought I would go first.

Copt has given me lots of comfort about her stories of friends kids.

Plus we all live on in those who know us so that includes you- my lunacy I will still live on in some way (and vice versa ) while you lot remember me.

SOrry that was a bit - what's everyone having for dinner? And has anyone seen the film Lincoln?

risotto tonight...

Chips with the cubs

And no I haven't seen Lincoln sorry

Proper chips?

Sausage and mash :)

Dinner in the Ned household is some slow roasted meat that DH has just put on the oven. Possibly beef. Smells yummy anyway

Haven't seen Lincoln either - is it any good? Let us know gig, if that's on the viewing menu for tonight !!

Smee - glad the drains are gone.

earth - grrr on your behalf re transport

I was wondering about how lily is too malt

hugs for everyone who is feeling down today

I can't do more morbid talk today. Without saying too much (as it could definitely out me) I arrived at work today to find out a colleague had passed away quite suddenly over the weekend :( Of course lots of upset staff and children and lots of talk of death and dying just what I need at the moment, like a hole in the head to be fair they did say I could stay out of the session where we told the children and answered all their questions, but then there would be the "why is Mrs X not here?" questions to deal with instead. Just all a bit too close to home at the moment. Lots of tears all round today.... Aargh life is so unfair sometimes, why take such a lovely, sweet, kind and much loved lady before her time, why?

At least my hospital are on the ball, I now have an oncology appointment for tomorrow afternoon, bone scan on Thursday and heart scan for Tuesday next week (still waiting on chest and liver scans) So hopefully I'll find out tomorrow when things will be kicking off. I also got a pack of info through the post from my BCN, including booklets on FEC and Docextaxel - so I would kinda guess that's the chemo regimen I'll be on I have a longstanding hairdressers appointment for this Saturday, so I'll be getting a shorter cut in anticipation and will be saying see you in a year or so, once I've got something worth cutting again

I'n on the 33 bus on the way home so discussing dinnerseems more appropriate than death except that of course if there is anything more unfair than cancer its being hit by a bus so I will keep an eye out. No ifea why the worst alternative toa terminal illness is always being hit by a bus as if planes don' t plummet out of the sky , or even stowaways in sheen where I am now ,or all manner of stupidly random ways to go.....

Anyway picked up lovdly sashimi whilst in town for dinner....

We had pork chops and mash and carrot and parsnip mash with lovely homemade gravy !

Have to and get special packed lunch supplies for my DS(9) for his school trip tomorrow ..... They are going canoeing, doing shelter building and archery !

Its a bugger. Been thinking about friends who have gone. Photo albums of memories to look through at the wake have been a nice touch. You don't get to prepare if you go with a bus, easier for you but harder for loved ones so be careful out there, Copt!

Deodorant; I used it all the way through but swapped to Bionsen which has no aluminium in it and is natural minerals. Er, don't use it on open wounds. Others prefer not to bother, but I had no problems with it and the radiotherapy or surgery or anything else.

Clear margins - 1 in 4 chance of having a second operation.

Hospital transport that only turns up at 9 and 2?? Ruddy ridiculous!

Back in Parliament tomorrow for some autism personalisation thingy. Wonder if I'll get mistaken for a Baroness again, or chased round the halls by security guards assuming I'm a terrorist. It's bound to be one or other. My life is never dull enough.

Walked a couple of miles with the cubs and had a cone of chips as a nice reward

Betsy I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague what an awful shock, hugs