******The 36th TAMOXIFEN thread******

[NedSchneebly]

You all out there? Pop this way!

Evening all. Been a bit absent. On holiday but that's not it really. I know I'm supposed to be stats queen but sometimes I'm in situations like yesterday. Walked round a town. Ended up going through a graveyard to get to the town centre. DH ended up in tears and so did I. He had a really scary incident after his brain haemorrhage the other day. Both of us are too aware of how fragile life is. Sometimes I need to grieve. And I don't always have the words to say it.

Amber stats queen is also allowed a wobble too , hugs. And good that you and dh were able to cry together x

amber massive (((hugs))), - I don't know how I managed to miss that you DH had been poorly maybe it was when I was away, and I somehow didn't realise. I'm so sorry, - how scary for you both, sending loads of love your way xx

And just so as you know - we all value your knowledge enormously, and call you the stats queen with great affection, - but that doesn't ever mean that you are expected to drop everything and come up with information on demand, it's lovely when you can, but never feel any pressure to come up with info. - This thread is for you to get support and share your worries too - I think you are such a hard working and caring person you put everyone else before yourself.
Let us be there for you while you wobble sweetheart xxx

Amber I didn't know about DH .
I'm so sorry , you both must have been terrified !

Your stats are always welcome , but they are not the only reason we want you around .

Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday and come back to us refreshed x

Amber -more hugs and love for you and dh here. Hope you enjoy rest of holiday- wobbles allowed.

Nj-I am glad that oh helpful but Grr for tactless dr. The disability thing is helpful too as it does give you protective status.

Ash- we have some of those don't touch shops here. Very off putting.

Kurri-how is your finger? Sounds very ouchy.

Copt-love the pics , looks like amazing day. Thanks for wise words on big gig ( and malt)- she is a gorgeous little thing really but won't do what she doesn't want to( and who can blame her).

Mas-will we get pics of t or will that be vetoed?

I am incredibly stiff at minute (think its unfit as am fine if don't do much) which Is awkward. Am out and about today (seeing therapist, coffee with one friend and lunch with some others) so hoping can manage. Looking forward to it though .

Morning to all and hugs for those who need it. Dreading leaving work today, normally I would be excited as its half term next week.
Keep waking at 4 even on the sleeping tablets then just doze after that. Funny when the alarm goes off at 7 I always feel like I could go back to sleep !
Hope everyone has a good day
Gigs hope you manage to get through yours being out might make you feel a little better

is your finger better kk - I think I'd be flat out on the floor after that- stanley knives are scary.
amber many hugs to you and dh - we love you.
gig hope less achy today -the weather can't help I'm sure,being so cold and damp
There will be pics of T -I tried to take one yesterday but pesky camera storage is full,and even though I've deleted lots of stuff it's refusing to allow any more pictures -gah ! i wonder if I can get an upgrade yet ?
Hope today goes well malt -don't think of it as an ending, just a bit of a blip in your path.
Ds has Leaver's Service today (am going) then they finish at lunch time. he'll be back in next week for revision classes over half term and exams after that.

(Hugs) for amber and mramber - you are allowed to wobble but hope today is better.

malt mas speaks sense. It is a blip. All part of lifes rich tapestry.
Mn on the bus again. At least its Friday :)

I think we all deserve a medal. This is a sodding cruel disease. Getting through the night is something to celebrate sometimes.
I met my macmillan nurse yesterday. He was a lovely chap. He gave me a form to get a blue badge and sorted some oromorph from the gp. Then he gave me some details on bereavement counselling for the children and said we should apply for dla through special rules. Not exactly looking on the bright side.

Then my sister came round for lunch because it was her birthday. She was all happy and full of plans and dreams. Which is lovely but the contrast was really harsh.

Dd was up all night with a tummy bug. Dh has been in tears. I am sore and tired and frightened and sad. But that is not what people want to hear when they ask how you are. Is this what we are calling a wobble?

I am normally much better at holding things together, does morphine make you miserable? I didn't like it much.

Amber - I am in the slough of despond as well but if I give you a shove from behind and everyone else hauls you up from the top we should have you back to coping in no time.

Malt - I know it feels like you are heading up that first slope on the roller coaster. We will all hold your hands, you can do it.

amber hugs to you both. Echo what others have said, the stats are handy but we love you for you and don't expect you to drop everything for us, or not to have wobbles etc. Sorry I just assumed you were busy enjoying your holiday :) I hope you're having a lovely time in between the sad bits? Remember we are here to support you whenever you need it. I saw your post on Facebook about DH but didn't like to mention on here as I know not everyone likes to mix the two.

malt I'm sure the time will fly by and you'll be getting ready to go back wondering where all the time has gone! I had grand plans for my time off but have achieved very little I have days, and nights, that drag but mostly time seems to whizz by :) I've been trying to see it as a chance for some me-time and to reassess things, "find myself", that kinda thing. Mostly involves buying new clothes!

jchoc I hope the Toblerone helped? Any crumbs for the trolley?!

gigs I hope you enjoy your day out and not too achey :)

MAS enjoy the leavers' service :)

Waves to everyone I've missed! Have a lovely day.

I'm off to the GP in a bit in the hope of getting more drugs and another sick note, plus she's lovely just for a chat about it all :)

Quick post for trice- yes oramorph /morphine made me feel spaced out and unhappy . I have felt loads better on oxynorm (synthetic morphine) so you could ask about that . The Macmillan chat hardly likely to help although obviously counselling helps.

I am applying for blue badge- I Agree it's a cruel disease but will take what help I can. Blue badge may make difference on bad day for me getting out the house to go places and not.

And yes that is a wobble trice. Times like that I just think I am still breathing, the sun still comes up and take it from there.

Oh trice I cross-posted :( bit at the Macmillan nurse, that's not really what you need! Although I think some of the children's bereavement organisations also help with explaining illness and treatment as well as actual bereavements so that may have been where he was coming from I suppose.

Yes morphine can make you very miserable and even delirious. As can some of the other pain killers. It's worth mentioning to your GP or nurse as there might be something else they can give instead or alongside to help with that, otherwise I found it useful to just keep reminding myself it was the morphine not me.

I hope DD is feeling better this morning, poor wee thing, you've got so much on your plates right now.

It can help to see others just getting on with their lives but it can also feel so cruel and unfair. Do tell people when they ask, if they're good friends/relatives, I know some people are shit at dealing with other people's feelings but some of them will be supportive and want to help :) and you always have us, you can share anything here.

I really hope today is a better day for you :) lots of hugs xxx

Morning All

Hug Of The Day goes to Trice
You are having a shitty time right now aren't you ?
Well entitled to a dip , who says you have to be happy smiley all the fecking time anyway .
Take all the help that is offered to you , and keep off loading to us .

Malt enjoy your last day .
Treat it as though its the summer hols , and you will be back sooner than you think .

DHs Uncle has stomach cancer , and after 12 weeks of intensive cancer , he has been sent home with a palliative care team as he is unresponsive to chemo .
DHs dad and his other uncle are inconsolable . They are all doctors , and they feel so helpless that they can't do anything to help him .
Bastard Fecking Cancer .

On the plus side , HND is having a dinner party on Saturday . It's Indian night . We started the prep work last night , prepping marinades etc .
I'm dribbling at the thought already !

Happy Friday to you all , whatever you are doing , hope its a good one x

Thanks Ruby. Lovely new name. I know some sisters called Ruby, Scarlett and Cherry.

I am going to knit some decorations for my wheelchair. Something silly.

KK how's the hand ?
Did you have lymph nodes removed ? Is cut finger on same side ?
If in doubt , get it checked out young lady !

Thank you all.
Leaving hugs and brews out for those having horrid times. Deep in thought.

amber joining in group hug, of course you don't have to be stats queen / rational all the time. We all know only too well that coping with your emotions is as challenging as coping with the treatments and illness, especially if you and DH have, sorry but I'm going to use that analogy again but works for friends and I, looked over that cliff together. Horrible that what has happened has happened to both of you but also good that you have each other and can deal with it together. Isn't crying always a healthy thing, providing no crocadiles involved....

trice I always go a bit quiet on here when Macmillan nurses mentioned as friend had exactly the same experience as you and was livid as she felt it was deeply insensitive and totally disregarding of her own coping strategies. It was as if the one assigned to her had a tick list, in her case she actually said "oh you have three months, so you should do x, y and z at a time she was being told quite rightly that that was the absolute worst scenario and that there were people walking around who had lived ten years and she had every intention of being one of them. She refused to see her again. I know they can be brilliant but I'm still a bit We got advice from a charity that helps children who have a terminal diagnosis www.rainbowtrust.org.uk/ who help children cope with the serious illness of siblings and they were brilliant. Blue badge also brilliant as we would go out on blue badge outings in manner of Edina and Patsy falling in and out of shops into car, next best thing to having a chauffeur!

gigs Yes you do have to trust your knowledge of your own child, just thinking of all the Copts ' friends where prep school proved wrong. Will share when we meet as would make for very long marathon post.

topsy sorry about DHs uncle, it is everywhere this sodding disease, can imagine doctors feeling even worse about not being able to make it better.

We love an indian especially if tall and handsome Have acres of Indian cookbooks, actually more than Chinese, as not many good Chinese cookbooks. Do tell us what you are cooking, post pics etc

Hope KKs steri strips worked . Ha ha ipad keeps wanting to change KK to KKK......perhaps she is undercover and just pretending to be lovely thoughtful kind and caring..

Hail stopped play yesterday, rain today, still freezing cold

Bollocks. Broken down camper. Upset children and upset me. No Devon and Cornwall road trip now.

Off to look at a virtually derelict house to see if that will cheer me up.

Hugs all round sounds like most people are having a crap time.
Will include myself in that as have finished work and feeling very sorry for myself

Afternoon all, hugs for amber this morning - hope you are felling a little bit better, and have some holiday left to enjoy.

Trice - also big (((hugs))) for you at Macmillan nurse, a bit inappropriate - as Copt says they probably have a list of things they have to say. But it's good he is a nice chap and there if you need someone to talk to. You are bound to get lots of ups and downs especially at the moment when you are feeling unwell (and yes morphine can make you feel very odd). It's such a bastard of an illness.

Topsy - sorry to hear about DH's uncle - that is very sad, how is Dh coping with it?
My cut is on my left hand (so not my lymph node side) - it feels bruised and sore this morning, but I have worked out a sort of splayed finger knitting technique which avoids using it - so I am fine and pressing on with my gloves

nj - absolute bugger about camper - how disappointing, is it unrepairable in a short time, - will you be able to go a bit later in the week or is that unfeasible?

malt - I echo everyone else - it is a blip, an horrid blip, but you will get back to your job again.

MAS - sounds as if T will be working hard over half term, - do you have any plans for a break?

Gig - you're bound to find things a bit hard going - I find these days that any break from normal activity means I am very stiff when I restart, - so take it easy - I have seen you profile photos and both your girls are totally gorgeous, - you must be very proud of them And if its any comfort DS was nearly 5 when he started school and he found it very hard to do what he was asked for a while - he just didn't see the point - he kept saying to me every morning 'tell Mrs R I don't want to do numbers Mummy'

Ruby - waving, hope you are OK today - any plans for the bank holiday?

Copt - at KKK - even worse, people might think KK is code for Keira Knightly well maybe not worse than KKK

waving to anyone I've missed xx

arf @ kkk !
Hugs for you trice- probably is box-ticking thing
V sorry about dh's uncle topsy - that's bloody awful. Hope the evening at hnd's will be a hoot -sounds yum.
Leaver's Service was really nice though headmaster's homily was rather stern and scary (he is a preacher man ) -the other teachers did some nice readings all appropriate to optimistic futures and the head boy and girl read Desiderata,which was excellent- used to mock it a bit in the days of my parents trendiness as it hung in our kitchen, but it was all very appropriate. T has come home with his shirt signed by pals -aww. Will do some outings for him during half term so it's not all work.

Landed back home after a train zip round the country. Had nice night in hotel last night with lovely colleagues and way too much wine.

Will catch up, but hope everyone's okay. Any news from Figgy about her DH? Huge hugs. Got to make several work phone calls before school pick up, then taking DS and 4 of his mates swimming for his birthday, but be back later if I'm not in a heap.

just back from CT scan results with consultant. Its in my lungs and possibly my liver. I have an appointment to see oncologist early June to discuss chemo, drugs etc but it looks like a done deal.
Don't think I'm giving in to it, I'm not, but I can't pretend it's not a devastating blow.

Dh was wonderful, but he does tend to shy away from reality and he was off on his, "you can beat this EMIN" Honestly love? I'm not so sure I can

I'll catch you up later, he's nipped to shops and I need a cry x

nj bugger about camper. Is there no chance of repairs? I know what you mean about the disabled label and OH person tactless but actually that legislation was a big step forward, prior to that employers had pretty much a carte blanche to not acknowledge /accommodate your needs and even to ease you out of an organisation, which is what happened to me, in a public sector organisation too. I had to sue for constructive dismissal but they could not have treated me in the way they did under the new legislation.

mas Heads letter full of what a traumatic day it was for 5th years who faced three exams the other day, school laid on extra snacks and a special lunch, and emotional and academic support between each exam! They clearly thought it exceptionally challenging so all credit to T for taking it in his stride! and you for support on the healthy snacks front..