Calling all Raggedies - the THIRD Ragged Bits thread. Childbirth injuries, sphincter problems, fistulae... all welcome.

[Jacksmania]

First thread here, May 2008 to June 2009.

Second thread here, June 2009 to Oct 2012.

Welcome everyone with ragged bits due to childbirth. We're sorry you had to find us, but we promise to hold your hand and listen.

There is no TMI here and nothing is too gross, too embarrassing or too horrible.

All welcome.

Cardamomginger They've given me an antibiotic steroid cream and told me to use it for 2 weeks and avoid sex (not that I was having any anyway). They also checked inside today for the first time and said it's fine because there are no lumps etc. Does this sound right?
I told them in the hospital it was not right but they said it was just swollen and perhaps stitched slightly 'out' like when a cardigan is buttoned wrong, they said not to worry and it would settled down, that I didn't have an infection as I had no temperature. I was checked by several senior doctors, but in hindsight I feel like if it was stitched correctly to start with or the infection was picked up before I left hospital (and I was there for 2 nights due to the pain) then I wouldn't be here now, 5 months, 1 operation and several courses of antibiotics down the line.

I could go private but I would have no idea how to find the right kind of private doctor.

Hi artyone, someone on here should be able to recommend who to see privately and its something I'm thinking about.

Just wondering if you are breastfeeding? That can play havoc with hormones and your scars may still settle after you finish. I had a prolapse after DC1 which is definitely now worse after DC2 (elcs 14 weeks ago) but I'm still feeding and just know that I will be fobbed off by all the gp's and gynae consultants until I've finished breastfeeding or at least cut it right down.

I have just this week started to feel my 'old' scars throbbing and aching (I had a 4th degree tear and episiotomy which tore further after a forceps delivery with DC1). Sorry I cant offer any practical advice but just want to reassure you that you are not alone with feeling broken and like you cant be fixed. 4-5 months after the birth is when post natal depression and post traumatic stress disorder often start coming to the surface - not saying you have either of these but its when the 'novelty' of a newborn baby is wearing off, the broken sleep is catching up on you, the visitors and well-wishers have dried up and you sort of feel a bit like you are left to just get on with it, even if you don't really know what you are doing.

Still think they are talking bollocks. Steriod antibiotic cream is all very nice, but you need something systemic as well. Saying that you don't have an infection because you don't have a temperature is bullshit. Sorry, to be blunt, but this kind of incompetence really fucks me right off . I had a vaginal abscess once, and I didn't have a temperature at all.

In terms of the integrity or otherwise of your pelvic floor muscles, they need to check for gaps, not flipping lumps. Yes, swelling will settle down, things do shift as the swelling goes down and things can still feel 'off' for quite some months before they start to feel 'right' again.

Do you still have a hole in the skin? What did they say about that?

Where are you in the UK. I'm in London and can recommend my private surgeon, if that's helpful.

Hi Carda, I'm on the Hampshire Surrey border, not far from London.
Still have a hole but the surface is healing pretty well, just worried it will open again as I don't think things have all healed together underneath. I don't know how I'll ever know it's healed up and feel confident enough to exercise etc, I feel so fragile and it all just looks a mess down there.
I am breastfeeding still. I had no idea that could affect the healing. My pelvic floor feels ok, I can clench the muscles, which I hope is a positive sign.

Hi artyone, I am about to have my perineum repaired (amongst other stuff) by a surgeon who specialises in treating childbirth injuries. It seems likely that you will need your muscles repairing. I doubt they will want to do surgery before you stop breastfeeding but being properly assessed will make you feel a lot better. If you want the name of my surgeon then send me a PM. They all seem to know each other (I think they must meet at conferences) so he might be able to pass you on to someone closer to home.

Hello everyone, I finally had my rectal scans done yesterday. Turns out I really did have a missed third degree tear, missed by my doctor. The colorectal has only seen one woman like me in practice so he seems to be little help. I dont know what to do. I have a tear to the internal and external sphincter. I squeeze and resting pressure are lower but not bad. I do not have nerve damage. I was told at my birth follow up that I only had a second degree tear and it did not involve the sphincter, did she even check?!im so angry. I have cried to much since march that I feel there are no tears left to cry now that I know the results. My son is going to be 6 months this sunday, so I thankful I listened to my gut and got seem early. Please help with advise to get through. I pray every day for god to just put me in the hands of the right doctor. I know I have grounds to sue, but I want to spend my energy being positive and praying. I dont want money, only to find the right doctor for me. I live in Massachusetts, in the usa. Thank you all.

CSRHP I'm so so sorry. I know what it's like when you feel there are juts no more tears left. And birthdays (even the just clocking up whole months since a DC was born) can be so very hard. DD coming into the world was the best day of my life. But giving birth to her was the biggest catastrophe that has occurred to me. It's so complicated and so hard to deal with these polar opposites.

That is completely irresponsible and negligent of the staff to have misdiagnosed the tear, and therefore not treated it correctly. You may or may not wish to pursue that side of things. Your anger is totally justified.

You are right that you need to find the right surgeon(s). I'm not in the USA, but I can ask my extremely senior and highly experienced and specialised surgeon if he has a colleague in MA who he trusts, if you like. That might at least give some sort of a starting point. The thing to remember is that there is no rush to do anything. You can take your time and find the right person. I went for 3 opinions before settling on my surgeon and we both, together and independently, spent a long time thinking about and talking through the different options to find the right procedure for me.

Allow yourself time to grieve (and I fully believe it is a grieving process), to adjust to the shock, to feel the anger. You are justified in feeling all of these.

Maybe someone from the US will be along with some more practical advice and suggestions. But all of us, no matter where we are, are here to hold your hand and for you to bounce ideas off, if that is what you want.

I'm so so sorry. I was really hoping for good news for you.

XXX

Cardamomginger I would love it if I could get a name to get started. I really want this part of my life to be over with. I too believe it is a grieving process. Do you know women in my situation? thanks

I'll ask him. I'm not seeing him for a few weeks, but I will ask. I know women, mainly through MN but a couple in RL, who have sustained a variety of birth injuries. No two people are ever exactly the same. I'm trying to think if I know of anyone who has had a missed 3rd degree tear and I can't think of anyone offhand, but that doesn't mean I don't, if you see what I mean.

Hang in there XXX

So the bloody cream hasn't helped and I am still bleeding from the wound. Things seem to have got worse and it now feels like there is a lump under my skin where the wound is, which is scaring me. I have booked another drs appointment today so I can go back. This time I am going to push for a referral back to the hospital or a gynaecologist, just someone who can help me more.

My sympathies to everyone else who is having problems, I don't have the experience to help, but I know how it feels to feel as if you can't be fixed. :(

arty that's shit . try and get 2 weeks augmentin if you are OK with penicillin. gp should work on the assumption that it is infected, if it won't heal and there is localised swelling like that and just treat with a broad spectrum antibiotic. might be fungal infection too - doesn't have to be any discharge. you can get fluconazole tablet over the counter and canestan hc cream is also a good idea. do not use a pessary . so sorry . xxx

So upset, I knew I probably do have a small fistula but yesterday after having very watery diarrhea it came through the front. Before this I've only had gas and some bleeding from the back during periods. Docs still saying tests have shown nothing wrong. Going back to see colorectal on 5th June. I really need them to at least acknowledge there is something wrong before I decide what to do. This has been going on too long! :(

I am so so sorry. It's so awful when your body is so broken like this.

Did they find anything at all? Clearly if you have symptoms, they have to provide you with an explanation. Yes, go back. And if necessary go for a second opinion. Can you go privately, if need be?

Here to hold your hand through it all XXX

Hi everyone.
I have been following this thread and feeling a bit (just a bit) better, knowing that I am not alone. Well, long story short, I got 4th degree tear cos of the childbirth of my first baby on 12th of March. Many interventions cos of overdue (42 weeks). Still having traumatic. I live in Finland that is being known as one of the best health care . I am not a Finn, tho. Was in the hospital for 5 days. Nobody told me how to handle or care my wound and perineum until I had checked up to my MF and she told me I need to shower more. I got infection, never ending until now. Had been to some checks up with different GP and OB/GYN. They prescribed me antibiotics and asked me to shower. I do shower quite often. Should I stay in the bathroom? :/ On Monday the 26th, I went to see a surgeon and he found out that I have a fistula, that's why, my perineum never can be totally clean, no matter how much I shower cos of the poo particle drains on my perineum. That makes the infection is still going on. The doctor prescribed me antibiotics, so it'll be 2 months in the total. He said, if the infection is still going on, he will undergo a stoma until the infection is gone so that he can repair the fistula. It will be such a nightmare. Sending positive vibe and hugs to mums (and to me) who are being in similar situations.

Hi sunshine

Glad you have been finding this thread helpful - but so sorry that you have needed to read it!

You have had, and are still having, a horrific time. I am so so sorry. I am pleased that your doctors are now taking it all seriously and have a plan for how to get you fixed and well again. I suppose you have no idea how long until your surgery, because you need the infection to clear first. SO so hard .

You must be in such shock from it all. Do you have any support in real life? A lot of us here who have had traumatic births and injury have found counselling and trauma therapy helpful. Would you consider that?

And, of course, we are here for you!

Take care and big hugs XXXX

My EUA hasn't shown the fistula so now have to go for the dye test. Can I ask some advise regards sphincter damage. I have no urgency or leakage but after going to the toilet I have to use a wipe inside several times to get clean. Does anyone else have this? Do I have muscle damage inside? When I have asked docs they have just said they don't know why? xx

Hello
I'm just popping in for a second to ask a question.

No DC's yet. That's a whole other thread.

Anyhoo, I have very thin perineal skin and will tear slightly during sex or doing a poo. I've been prescribed creams that didn't help. Coming off the pill helped I think or it's just coincidence.

I'm somewhat scared of childbirth as I feel that if a poo can tear skin what horrors will a whole (albeit small) person cause.

Or am I just being silly?

Hello! I'm back sadly.
Since I last wrote, I was told by the dr to just use the cream for another couple of weeks. He said I just needed to be patient and it would heal, but I argued that it had been going on for too long and begged for a referral back to the hospital. The referral took over a month and in the meantime the skin on top healed over again , but became swollen underneath and painful.
I went back to the dr and got flucloxacillin from the triage nurse as there were no drs available. Took that, I thought there was still a problem so booked another drs appt with my doctor (first time I've ever managed to get an appointment with the dr I'm registered to!), she said she thought it was just granulation tissue causing the problem and offered to cauterise the wound with silver nitrate and then come back in a week. I said go for it, willing to try anything now. It helped a bit, the granulation went away, it healed over, but it's still sore to touch and I can feel a lump underneath. Went back to see her again today and she said that the granulation is gone however she can feel a lump (hallelujah!! I've only been trying to tell them this for months). She thinks there is either a cyst inside or a stitch which didn't dissolve and I will probably need more surgery. There is nothing more they can do and I need a referral to the hospital (which I'm now very glad I pushed for).

My referral letter has come through for 9th July, so I have 2 weeks before It's looked at again and god knows how long before surgery. Sadly my husband is away for 6 weeks with work starting in a couple of weeks so I wont have a lot of support :( But I hope something gets done finally.

Hi all, a long time ago I posted under the name First1. I had a 3a tear, rectocele, MROP, PPH with my first birth 4 years ago requiring full restitch and rectocele repair. This thread was a lifeline for me. It took me 18months to even consider sex again and that was with psychosexual support. Anyway, I just wanted to pop back to say that ten weeks ago, my beautiful dd2 Emilia was born via elcs. I never believed I'd have the mental strength to have another baby after last time. So a general thanks all round to all you lovely ladies who listened to me moan

Its been a while since I've checked in so hope everyone is generally doing well.

Congratulations Tea1Sugar i'm very similar, but my DD2 is now 5 months old. Its great to have the support and hand holding as required. Plus now you are in a minority (or so I've found) where you have experienced a vaginal and C-section birth.

artyone gosh, what a nightmare you seem to be having. Good on you for getting the referral, you could always call them and ask to go on the cancellation list between now and the 9th - obviously if you are able to go in with short notice, you may be seen a little bit quicker.

HowsTheSerenity You are not being silly, it sounds like a genuine concern and would be the sort of thing you need to discuss with your midwife/consultant when you are pregnant. No-one knows if you are likely to tear or not but if you already have thin perineum you may be able to argue a case for an ELCS, but you wont know until you are there, sorry that's not much help.

Hi I've never posted on anything like this before but could relate to some of the stories and am really struggling emotionally just now. I had a baby over a year ago. Had induction, episiotomy, forceps, third degree tear - very traumatic birth although not the fault of the staff who were generally very good - just the way things worked out. I've been told that everything has healed well from a medical perspective and I know that I'm lucky compared to a lot of people as I don't have any problems with incontinence or anything like that. However, I think I look hideous down there. My baby's father and I separated. A key reason was that he seemed to develop an odd attitude to my body after I'd had my baby and I appeared to have lost all value to him, leading to some pretty sexually demeaning behaviour. I am still terrified of the thought of having sex again. I am so upset about my scarring and have no idea how I'd approach this with a new partner. I feel like I'm on the scrapheap now and don't see how I could ever meet anyone decent again. This isn't a hugely pressing issue as I have no sex drive just now anyway and think it would take me a really long time to trust anyone again after the way my ex treated me. I was really naive before I gave birth and although I knew about episiotomies and the possibility of tearing, I just assumed that everything would get back to normal over time. I managed to have a smear test for the first time post-baby recently (at a specialist clinic - couldn't go through with it at GP practice) which felt like a big achievement. The doctor I saw was really lovely and said that she didn't think any decent guy would mind about the scars. However, I just don't agree. Lots of women on this and other threads seem to have really supportive and understanding partners who have helped them through despite problems which are much more severe than mine. I think if my partner had been supportive, I might have dealt with this much better. However, my experience was my relationship ended and I felt betrayed by my partner. If even a long term partner couldn't deal with this, how could someone who has only just met me? I feel like the sexual part of my life is over and I am so sad about that as I'm still reasonably young. Also, my scarring is probably worse because I got an infection in the week post-childbirth, which I think could have been avoided although I won't go into the reasons for this here. I also wonder if the tear was my fault as when I finally went into labour, I was on my own in agonising pain for several hours as it was the middle of the night and my partner had been sent home for the night, and I just wanted to get things over as quickly as possible when I got taken into the labour ward. I recently remembered that the midwives said something about not pushing so hard. At the time I didn't care as I was so scared, on morphine, and just wanted it all to be over. It's difficult for me to comprehend now that I was in such a state that I wouldn't care about such an intimate part of my body being permanently maimed. Anyway, I don't know if that's even when I tore or not. This isn't recorded in my notes and I think it's been too long now for any of the staff to remember. This post is longer than I intended and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for but thought maybe some people on here might understand what I'm going through

Welcome along Idrathernotsay, so sorry to read about your experience. I can relate to some of what you are going through. Firstly, stop blaming yourself for what happened, no-one knows what their body is going to do during labour. It sounds like you need to see your gp and ask for some counselling. Also, contact PALS your hospital and ask to do a birth debrief (sometimes called birth reflections or similar). All hospitals should now offer this and it sounds like you would benefit from it.

Your ex doesnt sound very nice at all, and it sounds like your self image has been badly damaged by his behaviour. You have been through a lot, your post sounds like you may have a bit of post natal depression or post traumatic stress disorder, both can be treated and can help you feel better about yourself.