Dh having numerous falls

[kitsonkittykat]

Dh wont go to the doctors. He has had numerous falls over the last 4 months, both off his bikes and also just walking on the flat and down stairs. In the last month he has come off his bike twice, and fallen down stairs once, and on the flat 3 times that I know of. He is in his mid 30s.

Right now he has horrible bruising on his ribs and his hand/wrist. Im really worried about him, and he won't go to the doctors. He said he is just tired from working (long hours but not physical work).

What could be causing all these falls and should I be pushing him to go to the GP?

Is he irrational in any other way Cat? Has his personality changed in any way?

I hadn't thought of it that way larry , that's a really good point.

Cat, I'm sorry, how frightening for you all.

The thing is, this isn't just about him. You as a family are already making changes to adjust to his health problem. You're deciding where to live based on it, the DC's leaving the house is being dictated by it.

If it is, god forbid, something life-limiting, you will all be affected by it.

If he knew it were something untreatable then Do Nothing might be fair enough. But he doesn't know that.

Is there any mileage in saying that you love him, you acknowledge his fears, and you will stick by him whatever he decides - but that he owes it to yourself and particularly the DC to find out if this is something treatable?

I can totally understand him feeling scared and can almost understand him not wanting to know imagine he might be taking the "ignorance is bliss" route, but many conditions respond well to early treatment. I feel really sorry for you, as you've been put in a very hard situation.

If he's scared of hearing he's got something that will end up killing him, he is making things worse not going now and attempting to get it sorted. His body will eventually make him take notice and at that point it would be awful if his doctor says 'It's too late to save you but it wouldn't have been 6 months ago.'

Sorry to be blunt, but for goodness sake. Written all that and just read the last two posts, which say exactly the same thing... sorry.

I hope everything is fine & best wishes.

He needs to get his brain scanned

I would agree re the possibility of a brain tumour or similar

He needs GP appointment with urgent neurology appointment/scan within days

But how you are going to achieve that without him I don't know.

Those of you posting potential diagnoses, in the nicest possible way, could you just indicate if you are actually a medic of some sort? It sounds like many of you are, with real cause for concern here, but if not, it is a bit more alarming to post such distressing things online. I'm sure you will understand that concern.

And I have huge sympathy with the awfulness of your husband's refusal to share this decision with you. But equally, he does, as an individual, however hard it is for everyone around him, however selfish it is, to manage his own health and any ethical choices about treatment, to refuse diagnosis or treatment etc..

Of course, we would all say 'let's do something about it now' but the bottom line is, it is his body, with his right to decide what happens to it. Even if he is married and has children. This ethical principle has to win above all others, at the same time as people need to persuade him to to go. I wonder whether it is worth involving other family members in order to persuade him - does he have living parents or siblings who could help intervene?

Good luck - I hope he does get some diagnosis in order to get some help with it, and I hope you get some RL support in order to help with having to worry and be frustrated at his reluctance.

I echo what all the other posters say, including sympathy for you, OP. You are in a horrible position.

There's another consideration. I am not a medic, but it strikes me that it might be something very easily treatable - such as a heart issue needing a pacemaker. He clearly knows there is something wrong; but what he can't know (unless he has been and had scans and a diagnosis without telling you) whether that "something" is treatable. Maybe if you could point out to him that it might not be the awful scenario that he is envisaging, that would persuade him to get help?

I'm with Destination and Larry - I work in oncology, and have seen far too many people who 'didn't want to know if it was something bad' come in when it had gone from treatable to totally untreatable.
If it is something bad, then it would also be reducing the time that you and the kids have to enjoy time with him - a friend is currently in the end stages of cancer at 42, but all the time since his diagnosis (only last summer) he, his wife, and the family have made sure there were no 'if onlies' left, and that everything is organised for the future. That took time when he was relatively well.
I hope it is nothing serious - but it could be nothing serious that still needs treating and won't go away on its own.

Don't let him stick his head in the sand - go nuclear on him till he gets it sorted

WillSelf, the ethical principal is being respected here. Of course people have a right to refuse diagnosis or treatment.

They also have a right to pack in a job or have an affair or whatever. It's not wrong to point out that how we exercise our rights has consequences for other people.

I'm in the sick-person position myself, and acutely aware that my decisions have impacts on others.

OP, I don't want to give you a horror story, but I think, as do many others, that's it's really important that your dh goes to see his gp and tells him, in full, what has been going on. The reason I say this, apart from common sense is this -

a friend's dh had a dizzy spell. She was a trained nanny, and knew enough first aid, that when he said he'd noticed a strange smell at the same time as the dizzy spell, to get him to go/call the gp. He did, and also informed his work. In his case it turned out to be a brain tumour. Had he not told work, there could have been very serious consequences, possibly involving the death of several hundred people. Why? He was an airline pilot.

So, I really thing that your dh needs to get this checked. It could be something really simple, and minor, that could then be sorted out easily. He would then feel so much better.

Good luck with persuading him.

D'oh think

tb, if I thought for a second his refusal would be dangerous to others I would be doing a hell of a lot more than seeing the doctor. He's in finance, works behind a computer all day adding up numbers and sitting in endless meetings about strategy. AS much as Ild like a high flying husband, he is a cycle manic number cruncher who doesnt drive and no longer gets on a bike. Since his decision impacts only himself, and to a lesser extent the children and myself, and I have spoken to his GP, his family, his friends, I think doing more than that would be wrong, as much as it pains me.

Im perfectly aware that it could be a brain tumor, MS, something flipping devestating, and so is he. I printed out pages and pages about the symptoms of every nasty thing it could be with balance related symptoms and handed them to him. I know he needs to be seen sooner rather than later. If anything happened to him it would be devestating.

That said, I dont see there is more that I can do. He isnt acting irrationally - apart from refusing to tell a medical professional about the falling, his personality is no different. Im just carrying on with things as usual without his presence.

I really want him to go and get himself checked out, of course I do. I really do understand that not doing so could have awful consequences for his health. That said, I really dont like people being railroaded and forced to do things they really dont want. It is his body.

I wish I hadnt started this thread. I am honestly doing everything I can for him short of trying to have the poor bastard committed for refusing medical tests. If he did that to me Ild fucking never forgive him.

Thanks for your imput everyone, and I am so sorry to hear people lost loved ones. Life can be utterly unfair. I wont be returning to the thread.

CatKitson - I'm sorry that you are having such a stressful time, it must be very worrying. I'm sorry that you haven't found this thread to be very supportive.

I think that you are right that you need to respect your DHs wishes on whether he seeks medical advice. However, I am wondering if there is anything you need to discuss together about the possible consequences of his decision and it's impact on your family. If he is aware he might have a serious problem but doesn't want treatment, then are there any practical or financial arrangements you need to make? Is his paperwork up to date and easy to find? Do you both have wills? Do you have access to online bill payments for the house etc. etc.

I know it sounds a bit grim, but it is something you should consider. And you may find that facing some of the realities causes your DH to review his decision.

CatKitson - I too am sorry that you didn't find the thread helpful. I've asked for my earlier post to be withdrawn as it was very personal and hard to write and if it's not something that's helpful then I'd rather it didn't stay out there.

From your last post it's clear that you have done as much as you possibly can, I'm sorry if the way the thread went made you feel you had to justify or explain in detail.

I just want to wish you and your family and DH the best and hope that everything does work out for the best.

So sorry you're all in this position, Cat. Hope you have a change in the weather soon, so to speak.

Cat, while I understand that you are tearing your hair out and doing everything you can, please tell him this.

One of my dear friends watched her father die in front of her at breakfast one morning. She was 6. he was in his late 30s. He had a massive coronary. He had been experiencing symptoms for some time, but put his head in the sand and decided not to go to the GP, telling himself it was stress related.

Friend was completly F**ked up for much of her life....major MH issues, eating disorder, depression etc. Her brother, slightly older, was a completely cold bastard who never let anyone get close to him.

Its not just his own life. He is a family man, and what happens to him impacts the whole family. Maybe get him to imagine his kids watching him fit. Or fall unconscious. They will be terrified and that alone will have a huge impact on them (my DH had a suspected heart attack when DD was 5. SHe saw him in hospital. It took major CAMHS intervention and 4 years to get her through the anxiety disorder it provoked.)

Please don't give up on his stubborn arse. Push and push and push some more, if not for you and him, then for your kids.

Hi Cat, how are things? been thinking of you and dh

He had been seeing a doctor and decided not to worry me. Im not having the best of weeks here.

Oh lord. Glad he has...

Thinking of you all.

Oh blimey. I'm glad he's seen someone but it sounds worrying. Thinking of you.

Cat -glad that he has been seeing a doctor and not burying his head in the sand.

Is it something you want to talk about?

Hi Cat, sorry you're having a difficult time. I hope you have some one you can talk to irl for support, you have a lot of worry for one person.

Im not sure what on earth I can say. Im partly glad he had been getting sorted out, but, well. What can I say? Im not happy about it.

He has asked me not to even talk to his family so I guess I shouldnt be discussing it here either.