Dh having numerous falls

[kitsonkittykat]

Dh wont go to the doctors. He has had numerous falls over the last 4 months, both off his bikes and also just walking on the flat and down stairs. In the last month he has come off his bike twice, and fallen down stairs once, and on the flat 3 times that I know of. He is in his mid 30s.

Right now he has horrible bruising on his ribs and his hand/wrist. Im really worried about him, and he won't go to the doctors. He said he is just tired from working (long hours but not physical work).

What could be causing all these falls and should I be pushing him to go to the GP?

Cat - is there anyone among friends/family that he'd listen to ? He is not falling like this for no reason, and could easily really, really hurt himself just from the fall (crossing the road, at a train station etc)

OP, a relative of mine was suffering from extreme depression, and refused to see her GP. I lived 200+ miles away, and could not get in to see the GP myself or chat on the phone (because of patient confidentiality) so I wrote the GP a letter, explaining that while I understood that he could not speak to me about my relative, I did think he needed to understand what was happening. I listed all her symptoms and he called her in on a pretext of checking something else (she has a medical condition that requires monitoring) and then managed to get her onto ADs. He never said that I had been in touch, but she got the help she needed.

Id advise you to write to the GP confidentially, and explain all the falls, the clumsiness etc, and how worried you are. Suggest he ask your DH in to review his broken bones, then it gives everyone an opportunity to talk.

That's a shame, my friend goes to her aunts dr and talks about (her aunt is an alcoholic. I would go to his dr or phone ooh.

I hope you can get something sorted.

I would do what hatti suggested. My dh did that for me when i was suffering from health anxiety. I was freaking out and having panic attacks and was planning to see the Dr anyway because i was convinced i was seriously ill. He called and pretended it was an emergency to get the Dr on the phone and then told her what was really going on with me. He didn't ask her to discuss it so wasn't breaking any confidentiality rules, just told her what he knew so that she was prepared when i went it.

It worked very well!

.

You can call and explain that you don't want GP to discuss your dh with you but you want to pass on this information.
I would also call up dh on it and explain that his being very selfish! if it is something serious then he needs it sorting rather than risking it getting worse and your family dealing with worse.

Hi OP. thanks for the update. if he doesn't want to see the doctor there isn't a lot you can do!

Ive tried talking to him logically about it, emotional blackmail, trying to get others to force him to get it sorted out. In the end Im hoping that someone will notice at the hospital when he goes to have the cast off - he did go to get that xrayed, and it was broken - that he has more than one injury from more than one occasion. I suspect though they might just think he is a bit of a lush, got pissed and fell or something. Which isnt the case. At least I dont think so!

Ive had to make the decision to not let it bother me so much and let him do what he wants to do. He is not crazy, doesnt appear at all depressed, is up and out at work as usual, and is a grown up. He is a bit sad about having to get the train into work rather than bike it, but I dont want to hear moaning unless he does something about it. He knows that when he wants sympathy and support Im there, but there is fuck all I can do about it until he goes to a doctor and gets some tests done.

To be honest he really doesnt seem at all well to me, but its like banging my head against a brick wall to get him to do anything about it.

I'm not sure if its possible or if it would work but could you phone the hospital and try and speak to someone who will be seeing him when he has the cast off eg. trauma/orthopaedic consultant or one of their secretaries.

If you can explain to them that you understand about patient confidentiality and don't want them to tell you anything but that you have concerns and tell them about all his falls etc. Don't play down the severity of your concerns, be blunt.

Surely they then would have to broach the subject with him and make referrals as they see necessary. When patients have several falls then they should be looking at the reasons why.

Good luck.

Ill give that a go Norbert. Ive no idea if they would do anything more about it or not, but it is worth a try. He might well tell them he is "bloody well fine" as well. He is such a twonk. He is my twonk, but SUCH a frigging twonk.

Its certainly worth a try isn't it?

Its just that if an elderly person was having frequent falls and presenting at A&E with broken bones and bruises it would be looked into to see if there were any signs of the 'typical' age-related causes or any other reason.

It shouldn't be any different with someone of your DH's age -they should still be looking for a cause (although I appreciate that when they ask him 'how did it happen?' they can only go on what he's deciding to tell them).

Maybe someone on MN can advise as to how to get someone at the hospital to sit up and listen to what you are saying, and to instigate some tests even if your DH is trying to brush it off as tiredness or whatever.

A few further thoughts......Would putting it in writing to the hospital help? Isn't there an advisory group that helps patients get the best from their NHS/hhospital -could they advise you?

Got to go, but will come back later and see if anyones been able to help

I would write a letter to the gp.

I would write to his GP. years ago when my DH was having a nervous breakdown, he was like your DH, always telling the doctor etc that everything was fine, when it absolutely wasn't. GP couldn't discuss with me, but I wrote to him explaining exactly what was going on. It just gave him an in-road to start addressing things. He never told Dh that I had written or anything, but used the info I had given him to direct things.

I booked an appointment a few yrs ago with the GP to talk about my h (now exh)

He explained he could not give out any info but I could tell him what I wanted to tell him which I did. He arranged for the surgery to ring to speak with him and they just said "Dr wants to see you for a check up". I didn't care about h finding out I had talked to the GP I, like you, just wanted him to be seen.

Good luck, I hope he is ok

How are things Cat?

Have you decided on what to do?

I think Im just going to leave it now. I did explain fully to the doctor, and doing any more than that is just going against dh's wishes. Its not like dh doesnt know it could be serious, he is aware of that, and its his choice. Ill be here for him when he finally does decide to get himself seen.

I had a talk with him he isnt depressed, he just would rather not know if it is bad apparently, and if it isnt serious, his reasoning he will just get better anyway. Im not happy with that, but it isnt my choice.

You can't take any more responsibility for him. He's an adult and has the right to choose/not choose to seek medical treatment.

He needs to avoid being in any situation which will impact on others though, ie: driving, cycling, pushing a pram, operating machinery etc. and I think THAT is your moral responsibility.

Do you think there is a possibility he either 'knows' or 'thinks' he has a serious condition and just doesn't want to tell you? A friend of mine's father quietly diagnosed himself with Motor Neurone Disease from the internet and stubbornly refused to seek help for his symptoms. When he finally did seek help and get the official diagnosis he explained that as their was no cure there was no point in causing upset for longer than necessary, his doctors agreed with him I seem to remember.

Not suggesting that has anything to do with your DH but do you think he knows more than he lets on?

God I'm not suggesting that your DH has that - just the scenario - sounded better in my head sorry.

It crossed my mind, but I thought i was being overly-dramatic - that he knows what is wrong and doesnt want to upset me and the children. Lets hope not, as I would find it hard to forgive him.

He isnt eating properly either. Tonight he asked if Ild make him some yoghurt and strawberry compote for dinner. In 12 years he hasnt asked for something like that for dinner. He eats a huge amount usually. I think if he doesnt want to get help, Im going to have just put it to the back of my mind.

He would rather not know if it's serious!? What about if the longer he leaves it the harder it may be to treat? Nobody wants to hear bad news.

I'd knock him out, you have more patience than me op.

I know what you mean Cat but somethings are better if they are caught early.

I know, Coco and Bonnie. I have said it to him over and over again, and he just isnt interested in talking about it. Im just waiting for him to decide he wants to talk or needs help. Surely he will have to do both at some point?

We dont have a car and he doesnt ever have the need to drive, he has put the bike away and hasnt been on it since the last bad fall, and he just sits behind a computer all day, so Im pretty confident he isnt impacting anyone else. He didnt need telling not to get back on the bike again, he just put it away. He isnt taking the kids out alone either, he just doesnt feel up to it. We were thinking about moving, but Ive put that on the back burner too, so he can get to where he needs to go by train and bus.

Good luck Cat. Awful situation to be in.

Fwiw, my mother (who died nearly 20 years ago) suddenly started having balance issues, and once collapsed infront of me very suddenly. She had a drink problem, and although she didn't seem at all under the influence, I thought that it was drink related. So did her Dr. She actually had a brain tumour.

Sorry if that is upsetting, and I hope that your DH's situation is very different, but I do hope you get him to go to the Dr at some point.

I think we have to be honest here. It sounds an awful lot like some kind of tumour to me (and most others on here, by the sound of it). A lot of tumours are curable and, even those that are not are treatable to prolong life and improve the quality. Even in the short term, does your husband really want to have a seizure in front of his children, for instance?

I would confront him very directly and explain that, for your children's sake, you need him around as long as possible.

I do wonder whether his condition itself may be causing some lack of rationality. This leads me to suggest maybe discussing this with his doctor and whether it is possible you need to go down some kind of mental health route. It would be terrible if it were a tumour preventing him going to the doctor and that was just allowed to happen.