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Original poster

how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

689 replies

MrsShrek3 · 23/07/2012 22:57

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

OP posts:
GreenEggsAndNichts · 23/07/2012 23:32

I'm leaping to conclusions here when you say he has a lump in his neck. My husband had a large lump in his neck, it turned out to be Hodgkins lymphoma. He found out at the appointment, went back to work and told me on MSN. Hmm I got more upset than I thought I would, he came home and we held each other for a long time. We'd just been married that year.

Anyway, it's 8 years and a DS later. Chemo was an utter bastard, but it did the trick.

I'd do what he wants on this. If he wants to go in alone, let him. He might want to process it a bit on his own.

Good luck. /hugs

onlyjoking9329 · 23/07/2012 23:34

Tell him you want to go with him, he may think he's ok to go alone, but I think it's always best to have someone with you.
I hope your fears are unfounded.

lisad123 · 23/07/2012 23:35

Go with him please. Dh my dh news wasn't great and he has cancer but I still go to his appointments. He forgets most of what's said, forgets to asks the questions he wanted And gets in a tiss about blood work and chemo.
Hope you have good news but trust me when I say go because if it's bad news you will have loads of questions he had t considered x

GreenEggsAndNichts · 23/07/2012 23:38

btw I attended all subsequent appointments with him, as we both found it helpful to have two sets of ears for certain things. I kept a diary of things we were told to do, and later on, how he responded to certain things over time during his chemo.

I think the diagnosis appointment will not tell you a whole lot more than he's probably read on the internet. They will then need to bring him back for follow-ups, test his bone marrow to make sure it hasn't set in, etc. I was there to hold his hand through that, and everything else.

I think my husband was content to be alone for that diagnosis and so I don't think it's odd. I can see I might be in the minority. :)

lisad123 · 23/07/2012 23:38

Cancer is a huge battle that cannot be done alone, and of it is cancer it's certainly not one you want to start alone. Insist you go and you'll be amazed how strong you might be when he needs you to be.

UserNameNotAvailable · 23/07/2012 23:40

How is he getting back from the hospital? If he is driving and it is bad news he might be too shocked and upset or too distracted to drive safely. I know you want to respect his wishes but I agree that he needs you to take the info in and show him that you are there for him. I know it's hard but I think you need to be strong and not cry as he probably feels that he can't get upset/angry. Because he has to look after you and I don't mean that in a horrible way.

I hope its good news.

HippoPottyMouth · 23/07/2012 23:44

I hope you can persuade him that you going with him is the best way. Do you have childcare available?
Can you just not really give him the option?!

I think he'll appreciate it whatever the outcome, but hopefully do you can celebrate together. Best of luck.

ineedamiracle · 23/07/2012 23:47

Go and hold his hand......good luck xx

cocolepew · 23/07/2012 23:48

Tell him you're going, so what if you cry? The drs have seen it all before. If you can, try to write things down you would like to know if it is bad news.

Wishing you all the very best.

Original poster
MrsShrek3 · 23/07/2012 23:57

Just been away having another conversation with him. He absolutely doesn't want me to go with him, because he thinks he'll be worrying about me and not concentrating on what's said Hmm bless him. I have plans to be in the very local area of the hospital, and have several safety nets for minding the children. Also tomorrow night.
He is very controlled and plugged in. I don't doubt his level headedness for a second. He's completely different from me, as the googling has armed him with the information he needs to ask the right questions and to get the information he needs. He will get it, I have no doubt. And he will remember it, and just bombard the consultant with what he wants to know and get an action plan :) He deals with information well and will treat it as fact. Yes we will do the rest together. How, I have no idea. But we will do it together. The thing is that I don't know whether to just listen to him ramble, ask stuff, not ask, what. Too hard.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/07/2012 00:01

Only you will know best way forward. I know with us dh wants to know as little as possible but I need to know it all. Dh likes this because if something comes up he knows he can ask me and I will remind him.
If he really doesn't want you there, maybe you can be in hospital or cafe to talk though after. Whatever it is he cannot do it alone, much as he might like too.

Northernlurker · 24/07/2012 00:05

If you need to ask then you need to ask. You can't not know things that affect you. It may be that you will need to form a seperate link with his medical team. As long as they know he consents to them speaking to you then you will be able to ask them things he doesn't want to discuss.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 24/07/2012 00:08

Checking in to offer my support. If he really doesn't want you there, you need to respect that, but definitely be in the building. I'm crossing everything for you both. X

Original poster
MrsShrek3 · 24/07/2012 00:08

I can imagine that any further appointments will be together. Good reserve plan, NorthernLurker :)

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/07/2012 00:15

Tbh he sounds a little like me, I would rather dh stay at home when I'm at appointments than be worrying about kids. Even when I went to London for heart stuff it was my sister that went with me.
I really hope it's ok news tomorrow. What time is appointment?

Original poster
MrsShrek3 · 24/07/2012 00:37

2pm. Spot on, Lisa. As you probably know, leaving ds1 for something unexpected/unexplained is far from simple Wink Don't want to out myself any more here Grin but afaik you might remember our similarities. Can see how he'd rather do it himself and make sure certain people aren't going to have a meltdown too. Have arranged with him that I drop him off, pick him up and if at any point between he needs me then I'm there in under two minutes. Sounds like the best we can manage in the circumstances. DS1 (and the other two) playing in the park nearby with another friend/relative will be fine, and won't really miss me, if I've taken them there. It's just the "afterwards" that bothers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShrek3 · 24/07/2012 00:38

Huge big thank you to all of you who have turned up to offer ideas and hand-holding, the messages of support will really keep me / us going tomorrow. Thank you so much, it means a lot.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 24/07/2012 00:51

TBH I like to go to things like that myself. If someone was to comfort me I'd go to pieces or get cross Confused

Again, good luck.

Northernlurker · 24/07/2012 01:03

Come back when you're ready and tells us what's happening. Will be praying for you both tomorrow.

NoComet · 24/07/2012 02:14

MrsShrek3 your description of your DH is do like my terribly organised one you've made me cry.
Good Luck and Strength to you both.

ineedamiracle · 24/07/2012 07:13

Thinking about you today xx

ErmaGerd · 24/07/2012 07:19

Good luck today x

Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 07:23

Oh MrsShrek, hope the outcome is better than you're worrying about! :(

I think your plan is the best - to let him "do it" by himself but to pick him up afterwards so he doesn't have to find his own way home (or drive himself).

I really really really hope it's something simple and easy to fix. (((hugs))) for you all xx

GotMyGoat · 24/07/2012 07:27

Good luck today xx

limitedperiodonly · 24/07/2012 07:37

Good luck. northernlurker has some brilliant advice.