how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

[MrsShrek3]

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

DM worked with someone with lymphoma who is very well 8 years on.

I can't add to the advice given here except to say remember to look after yourself as well. Take time to do the things that have always relaxed you and you will be a stronger, better carer. I cared for my mum through leukaemia and can honestly say that the times I lost it were those when I forgot/could not step back from the situation and do something for myself like exercise, reading, eating well or spending time with loved ones who were not closely connected to the situation.

Good luck. Remember to eat dinner tonight.

x

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Sorry to hear it wasn't better news. There is some great advice and positive stories on this thread. Just wanted to offer some virtual hand holding and best wishes for tomorrow.

[marriedinwhite]

Good luck tomorrow. With love and prayers. Lots of positives on here.

[Rosa]

What a bugger...good luck to you both .

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

Oh crap, I am sorry for you both

It's such a scary diagnosis. Many, many cancers are treatable nowadays, just try to keep that in your mind.

When I got diagnosed (cervical cancer) I went through periods of numbness, to periods of pure fear, to denial, to relief once I knew what would happen and could plan.

My dses were very little so I remember that feeling of wanting to carry on as normal very well.

I wish you both well tomorrow.

[Portofino]

Sorry to hear it is not good news. Sounds like there is lots of good advice and support to access here. (((hugs))) for you tonight. You must both be in a bit of shock. xx

[perplexedpirate]

Damn.

Stop googling, whatever you do. It's the devil's work when it comes to health issues and will be no help to you.
It's great that DH is being seen so soon tomorrow, the sooner you have a treatment plan the better for you all.
Take care of yourself and your DH.

[watto1]

Thinking of you both.

[eosmum]

Had hoped you would get good news sorry it wasn't. Will be thinking about you.

[cupofteaplease]

My brother was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma in April (or March, I can't remember). He's had chemo and one course of radiotherapy, he's got one more then hopefully has the all clear. His scans have been clear for a month already! Apparently it's the best cancer to get. Good luck.

[toomuchpizza]

Hello, had been holding off posting my Dad's story - was hoping for better news, but like others we have been down that road and it has not been as terrible as we expected.

Just over 3 years ago my Dad went to the gp about a lump in his neck that had been there for a while but he'd kept it to himself. He had it removed and it turned out to be marginal zone lymphoma which on it's own wouldn't have been too serious. They would just 'watch and wait' and start treatment when needed. That in itself was a big enough shock but they also found amyloid protein in the biopsy suggesting a condition called AL amyloidosis which complicated things. While testing if the lymphoma had spread they discovered that he also had Myeloma - a relatively rare blood cancer which is not curable but treatments are quite good. It was a huge shock that my previously healthy dad now had 2 types of cancer and another serious illness and they couldn't say how long he had had them, but probably many years.

We scared ourselves silly on google but here we are 3 years down the line and things are good. All 3 conditions are usually treated with the same chemo regime and so he had 6 months of that which put him in remission, then a wee break before stem cell harvest, high dose chemo and then a transplant with his own stem cells in May 2010. He's still in complete remssion and hopes to be for a long time yet - some patients are still in remssion 15 years after transplant and they've taken enough cells for a second transplant should he need it in the future. So although it has been tough it has not been as bad as we thought and to look at him now you would never know. He has more energy than he's had in years.

I will be thinking of you all - life will be very surreal for a while for you but it does sink in evetually and you just get on with it because there's nothing else you can do. Good luck with everything and I hope hearing some positive stories helps x

[dubz]

Sorry to hear that the news today wasn't good. I hope tomorrow goes well and you get a lot of your questions answered. I'll be thinking of you both

[Liketochat1]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow too.

[MrsShrek3]

you lot are bloody fantastic. I know lots of you from many years on here, and through various guises / nns. You have no idea how much the support and stories are making this much less shit (although still awful, obv).
It honestly doesn't feel like a shock atm. I did all that stuff last week, lymphoma was mentioned last Weds and tbh I've done all my being shocked, horrified, crying, worrying and whatever. I'd much rather have a dx to deal with because then you know the size of the challenge you have to take on. As long as there are no bogeymen hiding in the wardrobes on our journey, we'll manage somehow. He's not doing entirely random googling, it turns out. He's been reading chunks of the cancer research site to me all week (much to my horror) but now we are both glad he did. He's also got a grip of everything that Macmillan has to say and has done PatientUK but says it's not as thorough
fwiw none of this is going anywhere near fb for those of you who know me on there. We've had to come up with a half-story for his DM (FIL died two weeks ago) and to have fil's funeral and dh dx with cancer in the space of four days is going to finish her off. Hence various other RL people aren't going to be hearing a word any time soon. I don't care who judges us for that. Priorities go dh, dc, his mum, my parents obv. we're doing what we think will do least damage.
For any of you who've been here, any advice about the dc would be a help. I've had a talk with them this afternoon, and explained that the holidays won't be going as we originally thought because we need to get dad's neck better first. The thing is, I'm cruising the line down the middle of giving them info but not frightening anyone, and I want them to come out of this with memories of a nice, if short, few days away, and other days out as we can arrange; not that their dad is seriously ill and that's all they remember of their summer. They're young enough to be resilient. If we get this right, they'll know enough but not be hugely worried. Tricky task?!

sorry huge post, a few things buzzing in my mind now the brain's working a bit.

[lisad123]

we found some great books to tell dd1 about dh cancer (dd2 was only 18 months at the time), but they are about his type of cancer otherwise i would send them.
MAcmillian site is great for advice.
If you want to PM me im happy to write a story for your DC (the type our children like best

Over three years later dd2 still doesnt know much and doesnt understand it all and dd1 seems to handle it all well.

[scottishmummy]

in general I'd advise be honest and factual with dc,in age apprpiate way this may be useful
tell school
tell your work (check out carer leave eligibility)
ask hosp what family support they offer,or any play therapy for the kids

[CointreauVersial]

You are absolutely doing the right thing keeping the full story from MIL until you know what you're dealing with. No-one could judge you for that!

You sound like you are doing the right thing with the DCs too. You know them better than anyone.

Keep strong.

[lisad123]

My work allowed me three weeks off with dh and also nothing was ever questioned when I needed time off for appointments.

[RaisinDEtre]

I am sorry that you have had such rotten news

yy keep it as low key as you feel, wrt sharing the news at this stage

SM knows what she's talking about

[Northernlurker]

The journalist Cassandra Jardine had to tell her children she had cancer. Reading between the lines I think she told them her diagnosis was likely to be terminal, as it sadly proved. Her article about this is a very useful summary I think here for anyone who has to talk to their dcs about this difficult issue.

[Northernlurker]

Oh yes and you're completely right to keep it low key. Your poor mil too. I hope she has friends and other family members that can support her as well.

[limitedperiodonly]

I haven't been through anything like this but take care anyway.

Much love.

[smellyolddog]

More virtual hugs from over here MrsShrek3 so sorry to hear your news, but wishing you luck from me and DH who have been through this. Take care of yourself.

[c4rnsi1lk]

So Sorry to hear your news. (hugs)

[M0naLisa]

Thinking of you both x