**tamoxifen the 13th**

[MaryAnnSingleton]

here we are- anticipating halloween

Yup , I was a dental nurse in my previous life . An if you are undergoing chemo , dental treatment is a definite no no . Infection can be introduced via the mouth that can lead straight to the heart .
And as chemo can weaken the heart already , you don't want that . Sometimes if treatment is neccessary whilst undergoing chemo (ie a dental emergency) the dentist will give you a course of anti biotics before and during treatment to prevent problems .
And even if you aren't currently undergoing chemo , there is still a risk because of the possibilty of a weakened heart from chemo damage .
So honestly , I would inform your dentist .

DHs dad is a retired GP , and most of his family are doctors in one field or another (although no Oncologists damn it !) . And DHs dad agrees with your late DH ILGC .

So , went to the opticians today . Got lovely optician doing my eye test , and he spent the entire test joking that we could blame the chemo for everything !
Upshot is , I need new glasses .
I must have tried on every pair in the place , bur finally settled on a lovely tortoiseshell half frame pair .
Ofcourse the nhs voucher I get currently am entitled to only covers £55 of my bill . I still have to pay the other £145 , eeeek !
Oh and DD needed new glasses too , and just like her mother she chose the most expensive pair . So that was £30 above her nhs allowance .
Sigh .

Have had 2 glasses of wine so far tonight . Feeling pretty mellow now .
Hence the long winded ramble

oh, but I only had rads and am on tamoxifen,no chemo- my old dentist was extremely thorough and asked about everything, this one seems more casual (though he is very good)
New specs sound lovely topsy ! expensive things,teeth and eyes

ILGC - am sure your dd's friends will make it less daunting for her, but she sounds like a wonderful girl anyway ! I bet her dad was proud of her going to be a doctor.

To be perfectly honest he was more concerned that she was a Pompey fan!! Indeed that was the case for all the children, always felt I was unreasonable for not allowing him to call DS Pompey, after the Roman Caesar of course! Bless! 8 months today since he died, still no easier.

it all must be really raw still. @ Pompey ! Football fans here seem to support either Portsmouth or Southampton.

ILGC - must be so hard for you and DD . I am sure it isn't any easier , 8 months is no time . I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you and your DC .

I went to Mass this evening with DH and the DC .
First time since DDs Communion in May .
I don't know why , but I just felt a sudden urge to go .
Maybe because I have been thinking recently about their life when I am no longer here .

A worry of mine is , not being a Catholic like DH and DC , will the church be able to give me a Catholic funeral ? Not for me , but for them . It would definitely comfort them to have my funeral arrangements within the church .
Maybe I am thinking about these things too much , 2 glasses of wine and it all comes spilling out !

As I say to them at least they had a dad who adored them and always made them his priority. MAS don't mention Scumhampton here, well that is what DH would have said, he might have been proud of DD1 but her going to uni there was a concern!!!

Topsy as a nominal Catholic I am sure the church will want to support your family. They might not give you a full Mass but will have a service. They did for my DH even though he wasn't a Catholic, it did help my DC since they were brought up as RC.

Thanks ILGC . It's a hard one to bring up with DH . I don't want to upset him , but I am such a planner . I like to have things organised well ahead of time !
I suppose I could have a word with our priest and ask him what I can do . I just don't want him to assume that I am turning to the church just because my future looks a bit dodgy !
I do believe in a greater power , just don't know how much of the Catholic ideology I agree with .
But I know it would really comfort my family to have a ceremony within the church and a place they can visit me afterwards .

I am honestly not being morbid , just speaking out loud the things I can't say at home . And as I said previously , I have an almosy OCD need to plan ahead for things .

I know you're not being morbid Topsy because I spend a lot of time thinking about religion, my death, my funeral, my boys. I (we) weren't particularly religious although, like you, I believe in a greater power. My parents brought us up to be kind, thoughtful to others, help others and appreciate nature and the world around us so I believe I've led a Christian-type life. I've had a couple of experiences revolving around religion. The first was when DS2 was born. He has Downs and, when I was in the throws of childbirth, I am convinced I had a near death experience and met God. Mad as it seems, that experience has stayed with me and has helped me when times have been hard for me bringing him up. The other time was when I was at York Minster when DS1 was singing in the choir there (university choirs thing) and it was the Sunday service - I found myself overwhelmed with a feeling of something (not sure what exactly - but it felt like I was at one with God) and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. I feel like I want 'to know' God and am very tempted to phone our vicar and ask if I can meet him to explain how I feel and ask him why I feel the way I do. This isn't just since I've had my BC either - it's something I've felt for a few years now but maybe my BC has brought these feelings to the fore.

Sorry for the ramble, it's late but I can't blame wine, I've not had any.

Can't believe I've posted that. I've never spoken to anyone about my experiences, not even my wonderful DH. I hope you don't all think I'm mad.

figgy - that's exactly it . You have the same experience (although diff situations) Sometimes I just feel as if there is a greater power than me . And , like you , I have always felt this way .
I have read a lot about various religions and I have always been amazed that there is a core similiarity between all the major ones .

I also find myself talking to my higher power , thanking them for good things that happen , cursing them for the bad !
And the homily at mass tonight was about talking to God , and I realised that's what I do !

But I just can't reconcile myself to Catholicism . I'm not knocking it for those it works for . But there are huge parts of it I cannot agree with .

So do you think if I explained all this to our priest , he would understand ? I don't want to offend him . I just want him to know what it would mean to my family to have the ceremony after I am gone .

Very deep for a Saturday night .
I shall be back to my usual dinner menus and chocolate trifle requests tomorrow

figgy I am very greatful that you did post that . It's something I haven't spoken to my DH about either . His religious experience is mainly based around the fact , that this is what he and everyone else he knows has always done .
Whereas for me it is more something I have picked up or experienced along the way .

Topsy, yes, speak with the Priest. He'll be able to tell you what's what.

Not that any of us are going anywhere at all before our three score years and ten/twenty/thirty are we?

But yes, I ended up doing the wills, the letters of wishes, specifying the funeral arrangements etc etc too.

Me, since we're talking about faith...I have a very strong faith indeed. Brought up as a strange mix of RC and Methodist but not churchgoing...now I'm a co-leader of a Methodist 'emerging church' which offers pilgrimages for disabled people to Salisbury...and alo work for churches to enable them to welcome people with disabilities and many of my good friends are members of clergy/faith leaders. (But neither is my main job). I've had quite a few experiences that have left me in no personal doubt that God exists, and my faith has helped me hugely through the last months (and life beforehand). Sometimes because I've had God to shout at and haven't needed to shout at people instead

to go with all this deep thinking, anyone? I've made fresh croissants. They're a bit overdone but still taste ok...?

croissants ? yes please !
thanks for sharing those thoughts figgy,topsy,ILGC and amber- I wonder if it's the responsibility of parenthood,or just growing up that makes us think more spiritually ? I don't think it's necessarily a bc diagnosis that spurs one to consider funerals and what will go on afterwards.
I was brought up Catholic- catholic schools,Mass at least once a week (and once a week at primary school,plus Benediction which I loved) I feared confession because I couldn't think of any sins to confess to,so made them up. (along with the fibbing and answering back and being rude-I used to say I'd stolen things ! ) I loved the rituals and I suppose it was a feeling of belonging. As I grew up I drifted away- I was obsessed with death and this coincided with my brother's death,so I have quite complicated feelings about all this. Now I combine the elements of Catholicism I like (and like topsy there is much I don't) with a basis of Buddhism - which is a way of living that seems very sensible and wise. Ds had a Buddhist blessing by the monks in Chiswick when he was 6 months old -i felt quite strongly about that,and feel he is protected by this. My granny who was extremely devout catholic wasn't too happy (she was one for Latin Mass)
So topsy- I'm sure that you could have some Catholic based funeral for the sake of your family - not that you or any of us are going anywhere for a good long while.

KK I am so sorry to hear about your little dog. Poor wee girl! I hope you can keep her comfy.

I think all this spiritual talk is very healthy and not morbid at all. I have had some experiences myself that make me certain that God is there. I was brought up as an Anglican (db is an Anglican Canon ) and don't really got to church but, when I do, I get enormous solace from it. DH is a Catholic and his family (not him) are very devout, his Mum goes to church every day. But there is a lot I don't like about the catholic church too, especially as rigidly expressed as it seems to be in DH's parents and aunts, uncles etc. It seems to have made them very bigoted and closed to alternative views. Dd has decided she is a Buddhist, which is just fine with me and DH and she has thought about it a lot (for an 8 year old ). DH's Mum and aunt have both snappily told her not to be so silly And I have told her to ignore them completely

I went to Oxford yesterday and was happily browsing the books in Blackwells when I fell totally in love. I have never seen a chocolate brown Flatcoat Retriever before, only black ones, and even then, not inside a smart bookshop. But he was utterly gorgeous and the love was mutual. He may well be a serial seducer, in fact I am sure he is with looks like that, but for me, the love was REAL. DH, of course, had his man-blinkers on and didn't even see him, although I don't see how he can have failed to see the embarrassing show I made of myself with the lovely Arthur.

Janemacer - I learned to swim at Tudor Grange baths! when I was 24 Have they really built a new swimming pool? Is it worth checking out?

dog sounds heavenly Cakes- gorgeous ! will you get one ?
I love it that dd has chosen Buddhism- an excellent philosophy for life.
Dh is planning a trip to MIL at half term,he did say previously that he and ds could go and I can stay at home if I like - last Oct half term I did as Celeste was tiny and couldn't be left alone- it was brilliant. I would really love to stay home again,not least because of the huge stress I find in going away-even for a short visit I start feeling anxious before- not because I don't want to see MIL- we get on very well,it's the whole thing og going away,leaving the house,Celeste- being away- I have conquered lots of ocd things and I suppose this is the most stubborn and the opportunity to not face it is huge relief,especially if we are going there for Christmas..what do you think ?

mas - I think I would relish the chance to have a whole week at home on my own ! Much as I love my family , I do love a bit of alone time .

cakes - some dogs truly are flirts aren't they ? Pig/Dog flirts shamelessly with a certain female friend of mine !

Roast beef and all the trimmings today . Parents in law are going out for dinner today so we have to fend for ourselves (we normally go there every sunday) . So wish me (or my family !) luck with the cooking today .

that sounds delicious...we are having sardines and salad (pitiful emoticon)
My dog Trixie,a minxy Jack Russell of sorts used to plant her tummy on people's feet- I suppose that's flirting.
She also used to jump on to the table to join in conversations.
I think the prospect of time alone is so lovely that I feel very guilty.

Arthur sounds a bit of a charmer Cakes - my sister used to have a black flat coat - she was a beautiful dog (though a bit daft - she would clear everything from the top of a coffee table with one wag of her tail, and was always treading on toes etc. )

My little dog is OK today, I've put her bean bag in a sunny spot, so she is luxuriating in the warmth. I also found a little pillow in the cupboard and thought it would be nice in her basket, but she took one look and threw it out in disgust!

It's been really interesting reading all your spiritual thoughts, and very generous to share. I don't discuss these kind of things with my family either, - DH hates all talk of death, or plans to do with it, but I think in our situation it is quite cathartic to have these sort of things planned and organized in your head.

I'm not religious, I sometimes wish I was, but I can't pretend to believe. I like the peace of churches though, - I have found solace in sitting in the Cathedral chapels and collecting my thoughts on occasions.

I think I am a Humanist if I had to find a description for myself, I feel spiritual, but for me it comes from within, connecting to others, thinking peaceful and kind thoughts, I try to be a good person, that's the best I can do.

DS gave us some home brewed stout which I sampled yesterday evening (possibly not a good idea combined with my drug cocktail) it was surprisingly good, and quite powerful - I slept very well last night

MAS I would love the opportunity of a week alone and certainly wouldnt feel guilty about it. Id plan some lovely treats but also use the time to get some of those jobs done that Ive been putting off.

Arthur sounds gorgeous. I love a flirty dog especially when they stare into your eyes - always makes me fall in love with them.

Topsy, enjoy your roast beef. We're having a hastily bought chicken because I forgot to defrost the joint of pork.

KK, a cushion in the sun sounds just the ticket for your doggy. Home made brew sounds good too. I saw tons of elderberries the other day but quickly remembered we'd given away all our wine and beer making equipment. DH would love to take it up again. Maybe for his Christmas pressie.

We've been out for a drive and went to our favourite pub by the river. Glorious.

Hooray Downton Abbey later with a nice glass of

Dinner is done . DH is washing the dishes .
I shall be joining figgy with a glass of wine for Downton later .
Ooh , might even have a gin ...........

wine too for me ! your day sounds nice figgy...

(stout) for me too, I'll be on the sofa for DA too

Glad you had a nice day out Figgy.

Doggy has managed to eat her tea, carefully avoiding the tablets I concealed in it - they have been left in the empty dish - oh well back to wrapping them up in cheese!