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Original poster

Update on Rindercella's DH

1000 replies

Rindercella · 09/02/2011 12:21

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

OP posts:
lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 31/03/2011 23:39

TKmaxx normally do them, john lewis and hobby craft.

I thought these might be a wonderful gift for the girls, here and so they can carry his finger print with them on a necklace, they will send you the casting kit and then decide what you want to order later.

pinkstarlight · 31/03/2011 23:55

i just wanted to say how sorry i am and how amazed i am at your strength,the love for your family shines right through.i hope you get your husband home as soon as possible.

Northernlurker · 01/04/2011 08:11

Rindercella - will be thinking of you as you talk to the barber. That is one of the worst things I think - seeing other people's faces as you tell them but it just has to be done.

Portofino · 01/04/2011 08:32

Hope you managed to get a decent amount of sleep. You sound like you are doing so, so well under such difficult circumstances. Richard and the girls are lucky to have you. xxx

treedelivery · 01/04/2011 10:04

Hello Rinders

I was thinking as you like the handprint idea, you might like this idea of a full cast. Perhaps of Richard holding the children's hands, or all of you holding hands together. You are probably saturated with thoughts and ideas, so I'm sorry if that is the case.

www.rockabelly.co.uk/galleryplainfreehandsfeet.html these are the things I am thinking of, you may not like them or simply not have time and energy to think about it or even arrange it. of course if you do like them, give me a pm of the postcode and I'll cheerfully find and refer someone who will come to the hospice.

We had dd holding dd2's hand done at home. It's lovely to be able to hold and feel and stare at the casts. Both my dd's are well and thriving, it still gives me comfort to see their younger selves.

Good luck with todays tasks, hope Richard is relaxing and resting this morning

caughtinanet · 01/04/2011 10:09

So sad to read about having to explain to your DD what would be happening but I think you've handled it excellently.

I hope Richard is feeling well enough to do some of the lovely activities that have been suggested. It may have been mentioned above but maybe he could add a card with his favourite music and books so the girls can listen/read when they are older.

Thinking of you

Buda · 01/04/2011 10:36

Oh Rinders. So sad to have to tell DD. Poor wee thing. And poor wee you.

Lots of love.

thumbwitch · 01/04/2011 11:51

Rinders, you are amazing - and so is your whole family. Your DD1 is so perceptive and lovely and I am glad that you have had the chat at her instigation, if you like, because it saved you having to think of a way to bring it up. Still devastating for all of you of course but bless her.

Perhaps you can write prompt cards for Richard to use when he's making videos? If he feels up to it? might help him keep on track, poor man.

Caughtinanet's idea is lovely - it would be great to know what Daddy's favourite books and music is when they're older.

I hope you get the casts done soon and that you get Richard home again - and in the meantime am just sending you lots of love and strength from the other side of the world. (((hugs))) too for all of you.

sunshineandshowers13 · 01/04/2011 12:38

just checking in to see how you are doing (silly question i know).

and i think everybody should have a little bit of scottish in them!

thinking of you and your dh and dd's.

notnowbernard · 01/04/2011 12:42

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all, Rinders

whomovedmychocolate · 01/04/2011 13:42

Rinders - email me the photo and I'll shrink it for you and send it back if that's easier :)

trulymadlydeeply · 01/04/2011 17:21

Thinking of you Rinders. You're such a brave and wonderful woman: your love for Richard and the girls shines out of your posts.

So very very sorry that you're going through this, but hope that you manage to follow some of the great ideas being posted.

Lots of love, XXX

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 01/04/2011 17:52

Rinders - lots more strength, love & hugs x

It would be lovely if you can put the photo of Richard on your profile - I was going to ask you a little while ago, but I thought it might be too much to ask. I have a picture of him in my head - it will be interesting to see if he's anything like my 'mental' picture :)

If Richard is up to talking but not writing, you could ask him some questions - things his children (sorry, sorry, sorry - keep forgetting about his DS :( ) would like to know when they are older, things you may not know or may not remember, such as what did he love to do most when he was a boy, did he have any pets, what did he love most about his parents, who were his friends, what was his first job (you get the idea), what did he think when he first met you, when did he know you were 'the one'. I don't suppose you have even had time to wonder about things you didn't get to ask your Dad :(

Have you seen much of Richards DS? Have you talked about things with him? (is he also worrying he will lose you and the girls when he loses his Dad?).

I hope you found the strength to talk to his barber today, it will make him feel good to have his hair cut.

It's all so fucking shit - it really is... I'm sitting here crying for you, for me, for your kids - for everyone on here who understands the pain you are going through... it's not fair, it's just bloody not.

You are dealing with everything that needs dealing with - if you can stick your head in the sand the rest of the time, do it (you may find mine there!!). A little self preservation goes a long way.

Big big big HUGSx

KurriKurri · 01/04/2011 18:26

Dear Rinders - others have written such eloquent posts, and such good practical advice.

I hope for you all that Richard can get home to be with you and the children. Love stays in our hearts forever, nothing can take it away - and the love you have for Richard will carry you and the girls through this heartbreak.

My love to you all xxxx

everlong · 01/04/2011 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellavita · 01/04/2011 21:45

Thinking of you and your family Rinders x

evitas · 01/04/2011 21:49

Rinders

so many good ideas on the thread.
Your conversation with DD must have been very hard... you are such a brave lady!

I just would like to say that I remember very well when my grandfather (who died with cancer when as 13) started to become confused. The last time I saw him he thought I was one of daughters and not his granddaughter. At the time that made me sad, I thought he didn't remember me at all. But looking back, I think, in fact, it was a very nice thing and I feel privileged that (perhaps) his last memory of me was as his daughter.

Thinking of all you
Sleep well
x

Original poster
Rindercella · 02/04/2011 13:45

Once again, thank you for all your support, ideas and lovely messages. For those interested, I have just put DH's picture up on my profile. It was taken on our wedding day nearly 5 years ago. Handsome devil Grin

Good stuff first. Managed to get a plaster cast kit yesterday, big enough for DH's and the girls' hands. We will hopefully get that done this afternoon. The hospice are also requesting a fast-tracked care at home package. They're hoping he can come home either next Thursday or early the following week. I know it's going to be bloody hard on all of us, but it is really important I think. The hospice will keep his bed for 48 hours in case it becomes quickly apparent that it isn't working out. I stayed with DH last night and it was great. The lovely new room he is in is so much bigger, with plenty of space for 2 beds to go together. DH slept better than he has in months.

Now the news I knew I would have to type, but dreaded really. DH's oncologist came to see him yesterday evening and confirmed what we already knew - that he is too weak for chemotherapy and that there is no further treatment for him. All that can be done is to keep his pain under control, keep him as lucid as possible and as comfortable as possible. DH is remarkably calm, but he would be - that's how he is in life. I'm mostly ok, but can easily break into tears with no notice. Let's hope we can manage to make DH's final time as happy as possible. x

OP posts:
Bucharest · 02/04/2011 13:49

oh Rinders....he is indeed a handsome devil Smile
I'm sure that every moment you all have left together will be filled with love and good stuff. x

Lizzylou · 02/04/2011 13:52

He is amazingly handsome, Rinders Smile
Hoping that you can spend lovely times together.

I am very much in awe of you, I keep trying to post and not getting it right so deleting. You are very much in my thoughts x

BecauseImWorthIt · 02/04/2011 13:54

I'm sorry to hear that, Rinders.

And yes, he is very handsome Grin

AitchTwoOh · 02/04/2011 13:54

oooh he is a DISH. that's bad news about the chemo, rinders, a shock in a way, despite you already knowing. big hug to you.

MABS · 02/04/2011 14:02

so much love to you all x

sybilfaulty · 02/04/2011 14:12

So sorry to read the latest news Rinders. Thank you for sharing that lovely picture of R. I hope you manage to have a wonderful weekend en famille. Much love XX

GoodDaysBadDays · 02/04/2011 14:15

Certainly is a dish Grin

So sorry to read your last post. Sending you wishes for lots of lovely memories still to be made x

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