Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

Oh, Rinders, please may I join the Cancer Haters Club??

I am in angry tears for you, for the little old lady with no other family you met (and even for Aitch, but don't tell her) and anybody else who has had to deal with it - it is just a hideous, devilish disease .

I am also quite in awe of all the phantastic ideas for mementos on here - I am sorry, all of you who are suggesting them had the need to come up with these ideas, but really hope you won't mind if I steal some of them for future use and suggest to people I look after at times? The plaster cast-of-hands is just inspired genius.

Rinders, as ever sending you love, and strength and very best wishes xx.

Just passing through, thinking of you, Richard & the girls x

Right, thank you so much for the handprint suggestion, what a fantastic, lovely idea. Have to gocoal town tomorrow - is it something easily available on the high street - elc or somewhere? DH tried writing a letter to DD2 today which wasn't a great success. He had the most beautiful handwriting which is now barely legible, he kept repeating words, going off at a tangent, etc. Very hard to witness tbh as his handwriting used to be beautiful. Am doubtful over videos too as he can be quite muddled, but we can see in the next few days if that's possible.

Richard is moving into a swanky new family room in the hospice's swanky new wing tomorrow, which I know he'll love. We're also seeing someone about him coming home. His requirements are very complex but they think it will be possible. He made this house purchase happen last year, after he'd been diagnosed. He loves our house and it's right he should be here so long as we get the level of care he needs.

Richard is getting weaker by the day and it's devastating to see my Prandsome Hince suffer in this way. I am coping, lots of tears and breakdowns, but I am coping. The hospice staff are bloody amazing, without exception.

Thanks everyone. Please keep praying/sacrificing those lovely bouncy lambs for my darling husband xxx

Rinders - there is an art shop next to Argos in town. Or Hobbycraft in Bicester, or if stuck, call me and I'll look in my big box of craft stuff - I'm sure I've got some but not sure how much!

Rinders - The handprints will be a wonderful thing to do and I'm sure the letter will be much appreciated even if the handwriting isn't what it was - it will still be "Daddy's handwriting".

Prayers and sacrificial lambs aplenty here xx

I have followed your thread but not posted , i too have sadly experienced loosing my mum at 45 to this dreadfully cruel disease . Have you thought of doing a build a bear with the voice for your girls ? Sorry if this has been mentioned already.

Rindercella - sister and bil had a bed a home downstairs for him and people coming in. They had a night nurse for a few nights which wasn't particularly easy for sister but at least helped her get rest. You will get a lot of help with pain relief hopefully. Sister found the Marie Curie nurses to be pure angels - came very quickly every time and helped. They kept the pain under good control without having to use anything like the maximum dosage they could have and their support was a huge help. You will get good support to have him at home I'm sure.

baaaaa!

is it okay if i have this one for sunday lunch, rinders? [selfish]

love love love to the prandsome hince and rindercella.

I would think you can get some plaster in any good art shop.i am glad you like the idea,hopefully it will be a little bit of comfort to you all in the future.

You can get whole casting kits here Rinders.

Lots of love to you all.

just catching up with whats happened lately.

Thinking of you and your family Rinders

Thanks Whomoved, I have to take DD1 to the shoe shop near elc tomorrow which is also opposite a toy shop which is round the corner from another art &craft place, which in turn us next door to the barber's I have to go to to ask DH's barber if he'll go to the hospice to cut DH's hair. Yet another difficult conversation to have! But anyway, I am sure I can find a kit (or 4 - good point about doing multiples!!).

Dd1 and I just had a really Frank discussion. She's 3..7 and asked me if Daddy is going to die. I told her, just as gently as I could that yes, he was. She broke down in tears and was inconsolable for a whole. I told her how Daddy loves her - will always love her, how proud he is of her and how much I love her too. Heartbreaking conversation.

Aitch, thank you, you made me laugh!!

Mummylin, thank you again for your wonderful suggestion x

Thinking of you all as always Rinders and wishing you a peaceful night.

Hi Rinders, I am thinking of you and your family and have been following your thread for a while.
I wanted to say something that I really hope helps, I don't want to speak out of turn as it were: My mum died of cancer when I was a young girl, and as I grew up, something that really helped was knowing that she didn't have a choice. Now I know that seems obvious for an adult, but for me at least, it wasn't for a long time, and I felt so angry. When one of my mum's old friends told me one day that my mum fought and fought and didn't want to go, and didn't have a choice, it really really helped.
I know your DD is quite small still, but having read that you had a conversation with her about it, I just thought I'd mention it as something to "save" for another time.

I really hope this is OK and helps you in some way, it just felt too important not to say x

my heart breaks for your wee dd, both of them... all of you. it's so much to ask of you all... too much, i'm so pissed off for you.

Poor DD1 - well all of you really but what a thing to have to deal with at her age :(

I hope you all manage to get some rest tonight. Once again, if you need the kids looking after even if just for an hour while you get Richard delivered home please do give me a call. I really hope he gets to be at home in the end, it's such a lovely warm house full of lovely warm people, I can't think of a better place to be. :)

Oh and I think there is a visiting hairdresser who goes to the hospice on request - who does mens hair too! Ask the staff, there is definitely one in the next village - can't remember her name, I can ask around if you like?

Oh Rinders :( What a conversation to be having. But I promise you, she will remember your honesty always, as well as your love and kindness. Not being lied to or brushed off when asking such an enormous question...it must have cost her a lot to ask, but you honoured and respected her by being honest and that will ultimately help her process things in a healthy way.

I hope Richard is home with you all soon x

i hated those days of telling the girls and our news wasnt as bad as yours. There are some great childrens books around, which my eldest liked to read.

Is there anything else we can do for you hun? Do you have a video camera? Do you need some materials for making boxes? Do the girls need anything?

Oh Rinders :( I am humbled by your posts. I hope your husband comes home soon

Lisa, thank you but I think we have everything (including chocolate in bucket loads!!), and the boxes you sent are going to be particularly useful, thank you. When DH had problems writing the letter I suggested using those cards and made some suggestions on what he could write - 'you made me proud...when you danced at your first birthday' for example. He really liked that idea so hopefully he can get these things done before he deterioates too much, hence the rush to get the plaster kit asap. Am sure I will be able to track down in our local town.

Whomoved, thanks for the advice on the hairdresser, but only his barber will do. The excitment when DH found a black barber in our village (he also has a shop in town) about 8 years ago was unprecedented! Before then DH had been going to either London or Brum especially to get his hair cut - tis a very important thing for him!! I know the guy will come out to do it for him. It's going to be a difficult conversation because I know how much he respects and likes Richard and I will need to speak to him face to face.

Why why why is this happening? Just cannot get my head about it and most of the time I try to believe it's not real (sticking my head in the sand, me?). But of course it is. Am trying to get a great photo of DH up on my profile but can't cos it's too big and my laptop is rubbish. Will have to try and fix that.

Aitch, I am a little bit Scottish too (but not much) Star, thank you. Being honest to DD is really important to me and I just could not lie to her - if I did how would she ever trust me again when her beloved Daddy does die? As usual, she is snuggled up to me in bed - we both get a lot of comfort from that and are usually joined by DD2 at some point too. Fudge, I am so sorry you lost your mother to this disease at such a young age. Thank you for that advice, I really will take it on board and I know it will give all of Richard's children comfort to know that.

Hopefully I won't wake tonight in a cold sweat at 2am unable to get back to sleep as I am sure the hospice will be calling. That's happened the previous 2 nights. Sense of impending doom/dread/whatever. Probably not surprising really.

Right. Positive attitude. Got to be lead by Richard's example. Believe that we can get him home and that he's strong enough to get the messages out to the girls and his son that he wants to. Two objectives, that's all.

I'm so sorry - no help at all but lots of hugs to yuo all.
xx

keep on with that positive attitude xx

just enough Scottish, i think... a little goes a long way. you keep on keeping on, my wee love. we've got your back.