**TAMOXIFEN**the 6th

[MaryAnnSingleton]

here we go !

Wow - yes wonderful cakes - you are a brilliant friend RWU to make that for someone. Its so impressive. And MAS that choc cake looks good.

I haven't made any cakes or puddings for a couple of weeks and my poor DS must be missing them. Last night when we were out he had 4 helpings of pumpkin pie and profiteroles!

Sparkle - sorry you're feeling down. As others have said, this waiting for the next steps is a horrible phase, and having an allover rash sounds grotty. Do you know what is causing it? (Sorry if I've missed this above, but I've been speed-reading a bit on days when I was at work). I hope there isn't any more infection as that is lowering too. The term'roller-coaster' can be a cliche, but it is an accurate one for what you're going through. You will get through it. Hang on in there. I think you siad you like the bright frosty days? Might be good to keep your focus on those, and keep going out for little walks? (If you're up to them. I found walking very good for my morale, when I could get out and put one foot in front of the other)

My mental state is slightly odd (sorry can't remember if I've already posted about this. But I'm a bit intrigued by it). I think it must be part of my coping mechanism but I do feel detached from the year that I've had - its almost like a dream. I don't want to be any more attached to it as I want to move on but have the feeling again that something is hovering above me (depression or crying or something) and might swoop down at some point. It could be that I use distraction so much that I've buried my head in the sand I suspect, but on the other hand I do feel rather well now so might as well enjoy it? Or am I trying to let go of an experience without really having understood it/accepted it? (I'm not expecting answers to this -just rambling really.)

Anyway I am continuing to distract myslef with the party - there could be anti-climax after that. Yesterday's thanksgivoing was nice and of course I ate too much. And I've also been treated to a lunch today. So with the party tomorrow I dread the weigh-in on Sunday! Think I'd better have very very light meal this evening.

I'm going to see the High School production of Oklahoma tonight - its quite long so I won;t be able to eat for a few hours

KK - I am now very of your Waiting for Godot and signatures!

Sparkles - well I'm glad it was a different person with a similar name (there were sparkley bits and rainbow bits, but something else as well, so I wasn't sure) - the last thing you want on top of everything else is back ache. Taking one day at a time is genuinely probably the best for now. Hopefully the hives will calm down over the weekend. Your poor dh, too. None of it is easy.

SR - the mental state thing is odd: I felt decidedly weird for some time, and still get it occasionally. I was worried a sledgehammer might hit me - but not so far. Next week will be the first anniversary of my last rads. I may celebrate

I got a card from, the NHS today welcoming me to the organ donor register and advising me to make sure all my relatives knew my wishes. I have no idea why it came as I hadn't asked for it but, on phoning, it turns out no-one will want my organs anyway: chemo rules you out

That's interesting Cakes - I was already registered as an organ donor but I must be rules out too then.

8 December will be the anniversary of my dx so I think I might feel a bit odd that day. I'm glad your sledgehammer is staying away. I suppose the mental state is a classic 'transition' thing for me at present - moving back to a slightly different normality. I'm relieved you felt a bit odd too IYKWIM!

Need to find a couple more party games now to keep everyone moving and warm tomorrow. So far I've got the anilmal pairs game (you have to find your pair by making the relevant noise), a game where you have to find the name of the person from clues given and a quotes game. I will only use them if people seem up for them! I did warn them to expect a bit of silliness!

KK and Cakes - are you keeping the willpower up today? I had tiny muesli portion for b'fast, soup and a small thai beef salad for lunch as I was being treated, and no snacks.
Still feel a bit from last night TBH Have been out for two walks tho.

Does anyone have any tips for not eating in the evening?

the anniversary thing is odd- I also remember my biopsy anniversary,it's all bound to be weird for us all for a good while. There's not a day when I don't think about bc -it's just there. Huge hugs of comfort to Sparkle -we're here always,so come and unburden yourself whenever.
RWU's cake is totally fabulous

Thinking of yesterday -I felt quite shy and quiet at the meeting- all the others seem to be doing fabulously in their careers-several have tons of work-I know I'm good,but sometimes I feel dreadfully inadequate.

Have had hair cut today- nice and choppy again - so much better than having long hair. My hairdresser is pregnant and I didn't notice -argh ! she is lovely and I'm very happy for her as I know she was keen to have a baby.
Ds forgot to go to carol practice today and forgot to write down the time of his next singing lesson- arghh -he is in his own world - I am always having to nag remind him about things.
Have paid deposit for his NY trip - the total looks as though it's going to be something like £1280 - so it's up chimneys for him I think !

MAS ? hope your DS is feeling better about his spleen probs. I didn?t know he had this problem. Interesting that you have it too but seem to manage it well. I like the sound of his NY trip though.

Smee ? yay for eyelashes. You?re on the way up once they start coming back!

SR ? good luck for tonight?s party! I hope it?s not too cold for you all! Well done on keeping up to date with smears; I felt the same about going for mine earlier in the year. Are you American? Saw that you celebrated Thanksgiving. I totally understand what you mean about that feeling. I eventually put it down to the Sword of Damocles which equates to the realisation that at any point things can change and we?re so much more aware of that fact than others who?ve not had a similar experience of cancer. Will the feeling go away? Not sure but I expect it will lessen with (that old cure-all) time.

Sparkle ? you?ve got a very rare thing methinks. A proactive GP! All mine will always defer to what someone else has said even if there?s a problem with it! Enjoy the wine and I hope the rash has gone. Don?t worry about feeling low ? you?re absolutely right about taking it one day at a time right now.

KK ? I hope your son?s play has gone well! I?m very of your signed programme!

Cakes ? how?s the old bullet hole doing? Ouch at you catching it with your nail.

RWU ? I love your cake. It?s my hobby too! I think I?ve some pics of some I?ve done on my profile but they?re pretty old now.

All OK here. Had Herceptin yesterday which should have just been a 30 minute thing but they cocked up the prescription and there was much debate about whether I needed a loading dose (which takes longer to give and then you have to sit around whilst they do obs on you) or not. Luckily the loading dose was decided against and I eventually got to leave a paltry 4 hours later than I?d expected to. I was furious because it meant getting someone to collect the DDs and I was worried about the kitten too.

Kitten (Boris, you?ll be pleased to hear) is adorable but not well. Got D&V. He barely eats and is generally unhappy. Have spent much time and ££ at the vets this week. Have spent the night on the sofa with him. I think I?ll be at the vets again today.

hello Pennies !

Oh poor Boris - think they do have unsettled ness when in their new homes- change of water/atmosphere etc- Celeste had that blood in her poo. Really hope he perks up soon.
Sorry also to hear about the long herceptin session - very frustrating when you need to get on.
Haven't discussed the possibility of an op with ds yet- he will seriously freak out at the mention - will see what the consultant says in Feb. I have researched the op and they seem to do it laparoscopically these days (my scar is halfway around my waist,like a tin opener-though very neat- my brother's is right down the centre of his abdomen and mum's is a terrible zig zag !) He'd have quite a few weeks off school -about 5 days or so in hosp. -perhaps fewer and lifelong antibiotics (I escaped that-wasn't done in my day ! - to no ill effect either)
anyway, no point anticipating.
Am hoping to do some drawing today,and yoga !

Pennies - have sneaked a look at your cakes - they are fabulous too. We have some clever women on here Sorry little Boris is unwell - I think any change to routine (thats bound to come when they go to a new home) can affect them at that age. Hope he's better soon.

I think you are all right about the transition to a new kind of normality. A cancer DX is a life changing event, and I'm not sure I'll ever be exactly the person I was before (although that's not necessarily a totally bad thing). I think its hard to put it out of your mind when there are constant reminders - taking pills every day, and scars. Every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded - and sometimes I think about reconstruction, but then I can't really face any more surgery.

But I've spoken to people who are ten years down the line or more, and they say it does get better and turns into a background thing, rather than something you think about everyday.

Play last night was wonderful - it's such a good play. And someone in the audience said to DS he thought it was the best production there has been at the theatre since it reopened several years ago (shameless proud Mum boast) And one of the photos DH took at the rehearsal was used by the local paper - so he's very chuffed

However - we went back to the flat with DS and his DP afterwards. Stayed until late and by the time we drove home in the snow I was starving. So I got a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a bag of maltesers at an all night ASDA I am not holding out great hopes for the weigh in tomorrow

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, and that you are feeling a bit better today Sparkles

Good luck with the party SR, have a wonderful time

One of last nights actors told me he was woken at 6 in the morning yesterday by his five year old DS climbing on to his bed, putting his mouth right up to his ear and shouting 'Daddy, Daddy, the whole world's covered in snow'

Pennie's cakes do look fab - wow !
KK - well done to ds -what a talented man !

I hope Sparkles you are feeling a bit brighter - one day at a time, you know.

Are how is Boris - nice to hear you Pennies. I'm not American but a friend has married one - hence the Thanksgiving.

MAS - you new hair-cut sounds great. My hair never used to do 'choppy' as its rather curly, but it might now.

KK - well done to your DS. I was chatting with the mum of the lead part in the High School production of Oklahoma on Thursday and she was beaming too! Her son did a brilliant job.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this week - Oklahoma was great on Friday, the Thanksgiviong dinner was very nice on Thursday and our party went well last night despite the perisihing cold! It was a really good thing that everyone had wrapped up AND brought blankets as we needed them! But the games all worked well so it was fun, the meal was excellent and I think everybody had a good time. Its a party that will certainly be remembered for a long time due to the conditions. I have given the manager some feedback about telling people about the lack of walls before they book!!

I'm also pleased to report a further one pound of weight lost.

Beautiful frosty day up here. Time for a walk with DH. I hope everyone is OK today and enjoying the w/e.

I'm glad your party went well SR, and that you enjoyed Oklahoma - it's a great musical (I'm hoping for a few trips to musicals in the new year because DD is doing a module on the Broadway musical next semester, and she wants to see a few on stage).

I can't report any weight loss I'm afraid - I haven't put any on, but no shift. I think rather than just eating healthily, I'm going to have to consciously count the calories next week and make a big effort. But very well done on your pound SR - you are doing well

Quiet weekend here, - we've been out to a garden centre today, then ASDA (wild excitement ) Hope everyone is managing to keep warm and snug in this cold.

KK _ that'll be a great excuse to see a string of shows then! How nice.

Its good that you at least haven't put any weight on! I was surprised to have lost a pound but I did weigh myself before I even had a cup of tea this morning! I agree with you that we have to make a significant effort though - no puds or cake or biscuits I fear. But think how good we'll feel when half a stone lighter! I have some nice black trousers that I'd like to get back into!

SR, glad the party went well - sounds like a lot of fun. I'd bet the cold added to it in a strange sort of way.

Sparkles, hope you're feeling okay today. Everyone's right - it would be odd if you felt okay amidst the uncertainty. Glad the rash is calming though - at least that's something.

But really, I can't keep up with you all, and have no time to read properly now, so am really just waving a hello amidst the cold. I will catch up properly soon.

I wish you all much warmth!

great to hear that the party went well SR
Hope you are feeling a bit brighter sparkle...
freezing here but still no snow.

Hi everyone, I am up tonight can't sleep I have developed an infection in my sinuses so my face is excruciatingly painful on one side, so much pain that I keep bursting into tears, it is so silly I am normally ok with coping with pain, but right now it is all too much. Hopefully you are all tucked up in bed, but I thought I would come on and catch up with your weekend news and take my mind off it.

We have about an inch of snow, more forecast on Tuesday, Weds Thursday, same for much of the country I understand, so I hope you are all keeping warm. It didn't get above minus 9 here yesterday (sunday).
MAS that sounds like a expensive trip, I think sending out to work, up a few chimneys sounds like a good idea.....I bet it will be an experience of a lifetime though. Is it your same ds who will need the splenectomy? (sp?)

SR I am so glad your party went well. We normally do Thanksgiving too, we lived there for a while a few years ago and it is one of the traditions we bought back with us. I wasn't up to doing it this year though, so maybe we will have our own version sometime in the new year, if I get some good news. I like that idae something to look forward too. Don't worry about your pound...safe with me at the moment! .

KKat'Daddy, Daddy, the whole world's covered in snow' love it! I am so glad the play went well. You have got a very theatrical family then, I would love that I love theatre and esp musicals, but no-one eer wats to go with me at this end. Shall live vicariously through you.

Pennies - How is Boris doing, I am worried about im the poor little mite. Sounds like you are doing everything you can for him. It probably is stress from leaqving mummy, my dogs certainly both had it when they were puppies and came home with me. Horrid though. Sending little strokes, cuddles and ear tickles to Boris the Blue!

Smee thanks for your good thoughts. You sound very busy. Hope you are keeping out of the cold and enjoying warm fires and hot toddies.

Cakes - Thanks for your good thoughts too, the main body rash has nearly gone now, Istill hsave the hives on my egs, but they are much better too really, not half so itchy. Tell me, does chemo ban you for life from organ donorship and givng blood, or is it just during the duration of treatment?

oh Sparkle- sinuses sound really horrid- it must make you feel miserable I think that with the stress and anxiety you're under everything must be magnified - do hope it clears soon.
It is same ds- I only have the one child ! Am thinking that because of the trip and the looming GCSEs they might take action with the splen- but no point speculating until we have the next appointment.
No snow here today-yet- but vvvv cold.
Hope Boris has perked up.
Love to all & keep warm

Poor sparkles. Hope you feel better soon. getting run down seems to give you a run of horrid things, and keep bringing you still lower.

And the chemo (and blood transfusions, which i have also had in an unrelated and quite embarrassing episode) rule you out of organ donorship permanently, from what i can gather.

Bullet hole is getting much better,thanks Pennies - it just looks like a very small scab now. I have high hopes of a blemish free Christmas!

I have a lot of posts to catch up on, which I'll do later - but just wanted to report for the big weigh in that I have not lost an ounce. And considering what I have eaten, that is no surprise. i shall redouble my efforts this week.

Sparkle sinus problems are horrible. Have you tried steaming (over a bowl of hot water with a couple of drops of olbas oil or similar in it - sometimes gives a bit of relief). Hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. (does baby keep you up as well?).

Hope Boris is better today, Pennies .

Cakes - come and stand in the gobblers corner with me I am really going to try hard this week.

We are snowed in here. DH got about half way to the next village this morning, then it was all blocked. So he has a day off I've cancelled a dental appointment tomorrow, because I'll never get into the city - its supposed to be getting worse.

The dog can't quite decide whether she likes snow or not, she asks to go out, then tiptoes about shaking her legs We have been cruelly laughing at her - since she had her teeth out, her lip keeps getting caught on one of the remaining teeth - she looks like Elvis Poor little old lady!

Tee hee! Jack Russells' tummies are too close to the ground for snow!

In some ways it is quite nice to be snowed in, as long as all the heating works! It is just icy and bitter here, one of the reasons for all the shameful eating! Dd is very into cooking and asked to make a lasagne yesterday (supervised -i am not quite that negligent). Big mistake for my diet. it was vast. And I was counting the takings from the school Xmas Fair, it was SOOOOO BORING that I needed to eat (and drink red wine).

Wonder if I'll make it to Pilates later - main roads are fairly clear but mine is an ice rink, and the one up to the church hall is similar. Hmm.

Sparkles, its rotten not being able to sleep so its a good thing you had this thread to keep you entertained! I hope the pain will improve soon though. Pain is always miserable and I suspect the cold cill make it worse? Sending hugs . Where do you live with all that snow? Its very frozen here but only a few flakes of snow (between Manchester and Warrington)

Cakes - well at least you didn't gain any weight either, like KK! Come on, we've all three got to be strong this week and think how much better we'll soon feel once those pounds of flab (I'm only talking my own body here) start to go. I only make pudding at the week-emd now, after a year of rather splendid over-catering at a number of times while I wasn't working.

Hope Boris is OK.

You can happily refer to my flab SR. There is plenty of it, it would be like ignoring the elephant in the room to avoid it!

I am redoubling my efforts, I promise.

still no snow here - but bitterly cold- am going out to post office soon,but will cheat and go in the car.
Am minding S until 6.30 today- doubt whether she'll want to trek into town - maybe we can just huddle and watch telly. Done some painting of my pictures,ironed and am having some lunch before venturing out.

I had my head over a bowl of steam in between writing to you all last night, with olbas oil, I guess it helped because I finally got to sleep at about 4.00am. The baby thankfully goes through the night, shouldn't really call her a baby anymore, she just turned two, but she is still a baby to us (dh and other dc). I often am awake at night with ds though when he gets pain, putting on and taking off his aspen collar which holds his neck a little more firmly.

Am drinking a hot chocolate as I type, so nil points on the FBS for me today....excuse it is really cold outside. We are in rural staffordshire, on shropshire border, lots of snow forecast over the next few days, I have already told dc school not to expect them in tomorrow.......we will see.

My labs are going mad for the snow, it is amazing that we have any left, but it doesn't seem to be in short supply round here! The 5 month old black lab just runs like a loony around in circles. The chickens are mightily annoyed about it all though, they keep telling me in no uncertain terms that it is time it went now, enough is enough! They keep standing on one leg, chickens crossed with flamingos !

How is Boris doing?

Yes, how's poor little Boris?

Sparkles, your chickens sound like our rabbits. They are not happy. I am about to move the hutch nearer the house for warmth. DD wants them inside but that is NOT happening.

DH has braved the weather and taken a lunch break for once (good) and has gone circuit training (bad, because that means I am going to have to try and get to Pilates).

Every time i eat anything he just sings "7lbs by December 21st'. I blame you, SR

am taking your weight loss plans seriously too and am trying to cut back on FBS !

Have just received a secret santa gift - an Amazon voucher - am totally overwhelmed by such kindness Am sure I don't deserve it though.
Off to brave the icy winds