*TAMOXIFEN* the 5th

[MaryAnnSingleton]

in case we forget and find ourselves at 1000 - here's a fresh new thread !

am chilly here too,snuck the heating on yesterday,but off before dh noticed ! have taken to draping myself in my blanket on the sofa,a sure sign of cooller weather.
This thread is over a year old but I am on another (Elevenses,which started with hippipotami asking what one served for elevenses and just went on,for about 3 years,still going too ! -I have met both of my fellow regulars a couple of times (and their dcs!)

Sad here too about the end of summer, where does the time go. And winter is always soo long but I don't admit to winter until October really (which can make for some quite cold evenings, I grant you, but it does save on heating [tightwad emoticon]).

Great story about the couple in Wales, something positive to think about. Getting through chemo is a long old slog and towards the end it gets pretty tough and you are knackered. Sorry to say rads doesn't do you many favours (at least on that front) either - but it does have the advantage of being short, and more doable. The end is really in sight then.

MAS - I have found that my post-cancer anxiety goes in spurts in the way you are describing. I can be fine for a few weeks and then blammo. I think it is the body and the mind working it all through in stages, and it probably also does the same with all the emotional baggage that you are now trying to put down for good and all. It will stop eventually, especially now you are working so hard on it. In the meantime, get drawing those puppies, dammit! That's a book a want to buy!

Cold here too - I have taken to carrying a hot water bottle about My problem is I veer between being cold and having a hot flush (Particularly when I have a hot drink) so am constantly throwing clothes on and off in a rather panicky way

Nice to hear the story of the couple you met SR, very encouraging , and good you had a nice break and were able to do some walking.

MAS - I'm a bit like Cakes - anxiety comes and goes, I can be fine, then go into a bad patch.And I'm further along the road than you I think, so still relatively early days for you - please don't think you're not coping or anything, I think its a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal events. Plus you are dealing with other emotional things, you are very brave to return to painful events, but it's bound to affect you.

At the risk of boring everyone I get anxiety dreams too they are either 1. DH tells me I look horrible and runs off with some random woman - I presume they are all about insecurity about how I look now. (fat and with bits missing)

1. I am back in the past, as a young woman and I keep meeting people I haven't seen for years and having to tell them I've got BC. As if I've always had it. Most odd.

Hope it doesn't upset anyone me writing that, it just feels so strange sometimes.

Good luck with the rads CC and your next chemo Smee, - you have both done remarkably well IMO, and remained cheerful and philosophical throughout.

I've just had a leaflet through my door about exercise classes starting in the village hall next week, so I may join them (one class is pilates which I'd like to try, the other is for over 50's and is called 'silvertone' which DD finds highly amusing for some reason but I'm going anyway!)

Try pilates, KK it is good, is helping my back a LOT (only in the daytime, strangely, it is even worse than before at night, but I'm hoping that'll pass too)

Silvertone - can't say i see you as a silvertoner, see how old the others are when you get there and take a view...my aquarobics class is full of -ahem- older, larger ladies, but i find this strangely helpful now i am (not quite so much) older and (not quite so much) larger myself.

Loving the idea of panicky shuffling of clothes - sounds eerily familiar. I am also a major duvet wafter.

My anxiety dreams still focus on a realisation that I have not done any work for a particular course, and am now about to sit an exam in it. It's been the same one for about 25 years, I just don't get any more mature, do I?

I thought you looked absolutely fab in the photo you posted KK!

My anxiety dreams might change when I finish chemo but my usuals are 1. that I've bought a house but its full of big holes and structurally insecure (this is based on the reality of my first flat actually. It got dry rot and I could see the downstairs neighbours through the bathroom floor! Luckliy we are stll friends 25 years later!I
2.that I have go on stage but haven't leanred the lines- that's awful!

1. I used to have 2 recurrent dreams when I wore contact lenses - I developed a pearl in my eye in one dream and in the other I was constantly forced to put a plate in my eye!! Glad I don't have those anymore.

I haven't actually dreamed much at all this year so have a feeling there'll be a catch up in the authumn...

Yes I identify with the panicky change of layers of clothing - why do we feel so flustered I wonder.

I am a bit knackered today (too much excitement over the past week then driving to near Aber and back then loads of washing..)so just did short walk and called on a friend who has BC and bone secondaries - she 's in good form and we had cranberry juice in her garden.

Oh - I get those 'unprepared' type dreams too Cakes and SR (shudder) they are panic making!

Thank you for your kind words SR, - I am generally not the most confident person in the world in the world when it comes appearance (had anorexia as a teenager, and struggled for years to get myself onto an even keel.)

I phoned Pilates lady, and she seemed very nice, she used to be a nurse and said she thought pilates would be helpful for me, so she's popping an info pack through my door tonight. The silvertone ( at 'silvertoner') isn't starting yet and she said what it's like will depend on the average age of the people there, so it could be quite energetic, or pretty basic. So will have to see with that.

Could you all cross your fingers for my lovely niece who is having an op. tomorrow, which we are hoping will greatly improve her severe epilepsy. She a fabulous young woman and a real trooper, but Op. has now been cancelled twice at the last minute, due to emergencies (should have gone ahead on tues. - she was in her gown waiting ) so she is a bit stressed by it all. Am hoping v.much it goes ahead tomorrow.

lots of good thoughts rushing to KK's niece - and you looked lovely in the photos KK as SR has said
I am hugely critical of how i look -- i fret about being unacceptable and it's quite a relentless struggle.
The plate in the eye dream is so like my recent contact lens dream - trying to put something huge in my eye - how odd !
I do dream about exams too from time to time - having not done any of the course work usually.
Had a nice day out in West London,visiting my old school friend with ds - lunch in her little decked garden -was warm ! Feel better having gone out.
thanks for all the very kind words about your experiences of anxiety -it's all a bit of a muddle,but I'm thinking this might be a good sign,that I'm getting into things ...
love to all

KK, ditto in spades to the great photo of u in maxi. Well done for fighting against the anorexia, have encountered many sufferers in my professional life and it is a big toughie so u r clearly made of v stern stuff. Hope u have been able to keep it out of your life.

SR, thank you, tho feel have done fair share of whingeing to you all!

Dreams- I also have that exam one regularly and also teeth, dream that they all fall out! (Both based in some truth actually, I was a big party animal at uni & did indeed turn up to exams unprepared and also have a mouth full of metal.) But neither have recurred since bc treatment, instead get all sorts of weird ones regarding relationships (for want of a better word!) that am not sure I shd discuss here! Absolutely not reflecting real life I shd add!!

weird school/college based one last night with odd one about very cold weather, kittens needing homes and my breast swelling horribly..gah !

I hope I haven't set off a spate of bad dreams for everyone

Quick update - DN had her op. this morning (huge sigh of relief) it was still on the cards it could be cancelled while she was waiting to go in But all done, and it seemed to go well, she is coming round in recovery now

Love to all, and thank you for all the lovely comments you've made, you are all so kind.

about dreams !
So glad to hear that dn's op is done at last -a relief i'm sure- hope she has a speedy recovery

KK - glad your DN's op has been comp[leted and hoping it will help her.

Back to dreams - oh yes I also have teeth dreams!! I think compounded by doing a few weeks of archeological digging and finding old jaw bones etc, I used to fream often about all my teeth crumbling away. Thank goodness don't seem to have those now. (perhaps because most of my teeth are reinforced - fillings, crowns and one implant!)

DD is back from germany - hooray - she 's for most of a week.

Belated good wishes to KK's neice, hope she makes a good recovery.

God this talk of anxiety dreams - gah! I have virtually of those that have been mentioned, and more! The plates in the eye particularly resonate, had that a lot when I first wore contacts.

The teeth one is supposed to be about money, if you believe in these things....

Have a good weekend all, I'd like to pretend i am busy working but really I am having an uncharacteristic spate of cleaning (living room curtains are down for the first time in 4yrs a while)

Really think my teeth one is about teeth, as I know there is so little real tooth left in my mouth!

Speaking of mouth, I have the same horrible
mouth ulcers that I had cycle 1, and which didn't recur till now, weirdly. Using Nystan (yuk!) and Difflam (stings) but gettin worse. Friend suggested pineapple but I think thAt wud sting too, suspect it works better at preventing them if prone. Any ideas, or just sit it out- day 10 today so shd resolve soon. Thing is am going out for very fancy chemo-finishing celebratory dinner with friends tomoro nite, but can't eat at present! Ice cream ok but that's it.. Help!

Cupcaked - when I had mouth ulcers I was given adcortyl in orabase paste to put on the lesions, you can also get it in a little tablet form to dissolve on the lesion if ulcers are in awkward place. (Now this was a 18mnths ago, I'm not absolutely certain its still available, but worth ringing your GP)

Other advice from my GP which seemed to help was dissolve 2 soluble disprin/aspirin in half a glass of water, and use as a mouth wash 4X a day. Can be used as treatment and preventative.You don't swallow it, so it's still usable even if you can't usually take aspirin.

They are a complete pain aren't they? I think the pineapple is a preventative, I tried it when I had mine and it hurt like F*,

O CC - sorry about your mouth ulcers. I've only had a few and fought them off with saline rinsing several times a day. But the stuff KK recommends is also recommended by virtual frineds on the BCC web-site forum I'm on.

I had chemo today despite my blood counts having dropped again. This was the first time they'd mentioned my being a bit neutopenic so I'm glad chemo could still proceed. Had to see the onc who is lovely. So am now staring my LAST CYCLE of CMF - hooray

For interest, onc said my energy wouldn't feel normal till CHristmas ie 3.5 months after last CMF tablet. However he said I could have dental work if required from October, and Lenny line will come out next week - crikey - I feel I'm really approcahing the end of this. But still, have to get through the yukky tablets and then start the Tamooxifen in a month.

DD is back and (astonoshingly) got her washing into the machine within 30 mins of her arrival. That's progress. her boyfriend then arrived last night. Haven't spent much time with him till now, so its nice he is around. his long term aim is to join Cirque du Soleil [hmm} However he is earning a living in computer stuiff and has a degree from Cambridge so the circus thing is just one of his aims I think! he's nice.

Lovely weather here - have a good w/e everyone and no dreams about plates! Hhow funny this is so common.

Meant to say - if you can still get adcortyl, I think its available off prescription at the pharmacy.

Hooray for last cycle SR - it has been a long old haul for you, it's great the end is in sight (I was on CMF too and would agree about energy levels it takes a while, but it does improve once you finish, so although not back to normal, certainly going in the right direction)

Must be great to have DD home - I'm impressed by the washing, (I suspect mine may not even have unpacked everything from her trip yet - but I can't face braving her bedroom) Boyfriend sounds nice, lovely that you get on with him

Have a good w/e everyone. (My dream last night involved a giant ferocious pig, which DD insisted on keeping in the house)

Probably inspired by DH's snoring

KK at having to sleep beside giant ferocious pig, hope DH nevr gets to read this! (I got one too!)

I know Adcortyl in Orabase isn't available thro GP anyway as hunted for it back in May when I was melting thro mouth pain. But will see if it it can be bought in chemist, thnx for tip. Will also try swillin aspirin tho it is an acid so may hurt? Also thnx for tip to avoid pineapple at this stage!

And mega congrats SR, I feel like a different person knowing last FEC behind me, even tho side effects prob this time. I know will only get better now so hurray all round. Lenny has been a good friend to u, but am sure u won't mind saying cheerio! Onwards n upwards. Hope u all having same lovely sun as we are in Belfast, wherever u are. Enjoy the warmth and the kids back safe n sound.

CC - the soluble aspirin shouldn't hurt (at least it didn't for me - in fact had a soothing effect) but of course try a little first to check it is OK for you. Hope they improve soon

Hi from me too re snoring pig dream. My DH used to be terrible snorer - 10 years ago he had that op when the throat is lasered so that the scar tissue tightens up whole palate to reduce snoring, and also they took his uvula out as on one occasion it had streched so long that he was chewing it with his cornflakes!!! (He is pretty funny when relating this whole story as this incident led to him being in sleep clinic, finding he stopped breathing for a minute at a time, and trying out horrendous machine that controls your breathing during the night! Anyway the op did improve matters but he still breathes very loudly!! The op was very painful afterwarsd for 2 weeks and I know he did all this for me.

I live in Cheshire, CC, near Warrington.

My DS and his mate demolished with huge glee took down our old shed today, with me supervising occasionally. It is now spread all over the garden so project will continue tomorrow but it is amazing how it changes the feel of the garden. Its opened up a significant corner - when new mermaid structure of half greenhouse/half shed arrives it will go further back than the shed was placed and is slightly smaller so I hope the more open aspect will be preserved.

Hope your mouth feels better soon CC. I have a good book in case steroids keep me awake tonight - quite likely! I aksed the nurses for smaller dose as was awake till 0630 last time. But have had nice day today with lots of family company and friends popping round. Meanwhile DH is sailing round Anglesey. So he's happy too.

hope sore mouth feels better v soon cc and hooray for SR's last cycle !
Exhausting trawl around shops in search of PE trainers and blue school shirts...must work this w/end as panic is setting in about puppy book - love to all

Reduced steoids dose helped. I finished my book till about 1130, woke briefly to hear DS then later DD + boyfriend coming in then slept till 0503 then dozed. Feel ok tho slightly sicky as have started on the tablets again. But its so good to think think this is the last 14 days of them. And as you said it should be an upward journey in the right direction after that , even though it will take time.
I hope everyone is feeling OK. Haven't heard from RWU for a while? The move must be taking a lot of time I expect - exciting though.

Arggh don't you hate it when you've typed a whole load of stuff and then 'poooof' it disappears!!! I'll try again!

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, life has become busy!! I hope you are ok and looking after yourselves {smile]

Update on mum....She has has scans galore this week, the results of which she will find out next Thursday. She has had results back from biospy, which say she has hormone receptors. Can anyone shed any light on this as I have no idea! Apparently only 1 in 4 will have these. It does mean chemo first and then surgery and she can have a drug (I think it's chemo) called Heparin (that could be wrong) She seems to think this is a better option.

She called me the other day saying she wasn't sure if she was being daft, but she had booked a hair appointment for the end of the week and was it silly if she was going to lose her hair? I told her to live for today and not worry about what was around the corner as regards to things like her hair. If she wanted to have her hair cut, then go for it!! She did and it made her feel better!

So thats her, she still seems to be coping quite well. She is very tired after her days at the hospital, but understandable methinks.

And me, I am enjoying a childfree weekend as DH has taken all 3 boys camping/kayaking I have been to work and come home to a very quiet house!!!