Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

👀

There is so much geranium hate on this thread? Do people really mean pelargoniums? I love geraniums because they can cope with a football being smashed into them which is what mostly happen in my garden at the moment. My least favourite in the garden is the crocosmia (not lucifer, but the small orange one that is invasive in the uk).
I also don’t love nasturtiums after they tried to take over the world last year, but didn’t flower that much so it was just a crazy patch of leaves.
this year I’m trying to grow loads of cottage garden plants but my lavatera is nowhere to be seen…

For next time, just know that nasturtium leaves are edible, and eat them into submission.

Pic is quite blurry like taken from far away. but looks like golden cane or zig zag, so rhe invasive variety , but the leaves are very pale. I’d be glad it’s not growing it would kill everything round it.

@As476 - thanks for the warning! I wonder if dead heading as soon as the flowers have died off would help? I was in Australia earlier this year and it was planted all around my friend’s apartment block and I noticed the gardeners went around one day and removed all the flower heads. Presumably to stop,them seeding?

@WarningToTheCurious and @userxx - thanks for the Lily of the Valley warnings. We have a dog as do our neighbours and I was going to plant the plants under a tree by their gate! Blast. Will have to have a rethink. They are currently in the greenhouse waiting to be planted out.

@Irisandillies
Yes it was from far away (blown up to show the bamboo only) I'll get a better picture (or dig it up and throw away).

Yes, probably. I think pelargoniums look amazing in more formal planting, pots and so on and some of them are scented and lush. Hardy geraniums like Johnson's Blue are fabulous. All my Australian daisies, after being previously hardy and vigorous, died in Feb/March, but my geraniums are still going strong in the same bed.

Another vote for bastard bastardy sycamore seedlings. We just had 3 sycamores felled that had grown in the hedge that were negatively impacting much more interesting trees in the garden. Now the entire half acre of garden is covered in sycamore seedlings. It's like they knew we'd murdered the trees and so now they're getting their revenge and on a survival of the bastard species mission.

In this case we only have ourselves to blame as we felled the trees and neighbours are delighted with us for doing it as they get more light. Sadly I suspect now that they'll also have a thousand bastard bastardy sycamore seedlings in their gardens too and will be quietly cursing us!

I've a patch of barren looking bare earth in my garden and I know by July it will be a huge brightly flowering caterpillar farm. All dead and straggling by Oct. I love them.

Bastard ivy. I bought a very small pot when I didn't know any better, then took my eye off the ball when we had young kids. By the time I next looked at it the plant had taken over the front garden. I'd love to get rid of it.

@Robin233 I must be the only other person that can’t grow bamboo! I bought two of them in small pots from Lidl, moved them into larger pots after a year and they still do nothing. I feel cheated!!! 😂
My bastard is bastard vine weevil. I had some beautiful acers in pots that thrived for a few years and then died last year. Roots had all been eaten. We found the bastard vine weevil when we took the plants out of the pots.
Also the bastard weather. Had some established phormiums and Astelia’s that had survived all sorts ( and much colder spells than the one that got them). The bastard cold spell at the beginning of December got them all.

Every year for eternity. in 5 years time they'll have covered your garden, you house, you AND your kids. You'll never get rid of the bastard thing. Bit like campanula

I only have a bastard yard, and I attempt to grow veg in pots, anything that grows out there is welcome but sometimes my landlord does work on the house and leaves bastarding debris all over the yard and that just won't do. The bastard.
(I'm joking on the last point. He's fine. I've had worse landlords!)

Another for bloody bamboo, and daffodils cant stand them!

Gnomes, carnations, geraniums

Lily of the bastard valley. And mombastardbretia. Nothing will make these fuckers die.

Well, I love most of the plants mentioned, but, although I like the look of bamboo, won’t get any because I’m scared it will spread uncontrollably, and our garden is small.
I’ve got some small agapanthus that flower well and I’ve got some larger agapanthus in a pot which refuse to flower, just sends up leaves 😢.
Dislike gnomes, artificial grass and anything too garish.

My next door neighbour has concreted over his garden. Because he apparently 'doesn't like plants'. Bastard!

At the moment I am overrun with bastard Green Alkanet and bastard Herb Robert.

Celandine. Loads of leaves a few yellow flowers. Then the leaves go brown and you have loads to clear away. Grows EVERYWHERE just don't stand still for too long in your garden or it'll GET YA!
Also the big hairy version of wild forget me not. Hard to pull up hard to forget.

Bastard marigolds - bastarding self setting bastards. My nan gave me a few seeds a few years ago and I felt duty bound to throw them in the garden!! Silly silly me. They're bastarding everywhere! DH loves lupins, me not so much. Super fucked off my gardener yanked out all my astilbes and kept the bloody lupins! He's only supposed to do the grass! Bastard!

Yep I agree ivy is the number one bastard. As fast as you pull it up it grows somewhere else. Bastard.

Oh yes! Wouldn’t give house room

A washing line. My garden is like and extra room for us. We had to wait and plan for several years before we could buy a house with a garden. When we moved in, it was no more than some poor grass, a few shrubs and two lovely trees. We have made it into something beautiful and I won’t have it besmirched with an ugly washing line (I do sometimes bring out a small drying wrack in the summer, but nothing permanent).

I made the bamboo mistake, but I'm moving soon, so it'll be someone else's problem mwwaahaahaa

I hate peonies with a passion, so definitely none of those allowed