DS panicked about going to university

[smalldogdancing]

DS is autistic but has managed well at school academically, was the top of his year, got his first choice of uni etc.

He’s just come to me in an absolute state. Says he can’t cope with going, doesn’t know what to do, that he’s thought about killing himself to avoid going and that he’ll never manage.

We have a meeting with Disability on Monday and a Dr appointment on Wednesday. I have said he can take a year out but he doesn’t think that will be good either.

he does tend to be black and white in his thinking. It’s all going to be awful. I actually think he could really like it. But I am also so worried now and I don’t really know what to do. I’ve told him he has my support either way. He says he feels there are no good options.

Anyone been here? Or have any thoughts? His dad will just tell him to get on with it so I’m keeping him out of it for now.

Sorry for the late reply, juggling work and this at the same time.

I am doing all his admin for now. Disabiity meeting - we need to have this still. I will call accomodation and find out when the quietest move in slot is. They can move in from the Friday, to start Monday so could be anytime during that - maybe even Thursday. We have actually bought a few bits and bobs and he has mentioned getting a photo of the dog for his room so I think we are winning! Thanks again for all the ideas and support.

I would start to slowly try and move more of the admin onto him if possible because they will mainly be contacting him etc and though it's good to have you for support, if he doesn't respond to them or has no clue how to navigate support services then it will likely put more pressure onto you, and him as well. University Disability and support services are great but they expect a level of reaching out to them first, and he'll need to slowly learn how to navigate them himself, so I'd try and slowly work that in, like ask him to do x. I'm aware that parental support will be needed for longer, so I'm not saying just stop getting involved but try and give him more to do, whilst you still support by attending meetings etc.

When is the meeting with Disability services? If it's not too far away you may be able to organise moving in earlier during the meeting, as it's a normal accommodation they often give. Plus it will make it easier to settle in, when it's quieter.

Great update @smalldogdancing
Your DS is getting his bearings.
Only one thought to add on to the really positive and helpful comments is that during freshers week it is absolutely OK to skip the social stuff that is geared towards non autistic extroverts. The Minecraft society and others will be full of like minded people who aren’t into the get drunk playing beer pong and then roam the streets being silly in the wee hours. University isn’t like high school where there is pressure to fit in- it is about finding your tribe and being free to be yourself unapologetically and still find friends.

TBF I was the same, in fact I couldn't actually cope with it and left. Unfortunate.

Yes, I am going to start that this week. I need to anyway as he now has a student email address and I can't actually access that.

Waiting to hear back from accomodation about move in options. He is currently organising his pens and pencils though so I do think we are past the worst of it.

So sorry to hear that @whoboo - I also dropped out of my course at that age. Hard at the time but the right thing for me in the long run. Health has to come first.

He can stay home and go to uni. It's pretty lonely and he sees he wouldn't cope. Don't encourage him to leave home. They're so young. Help him find his own path. A little stretch is good but uni away from home is too much.

He wants to go.

Universities have a lot of students with ASD, he just needs to understand he will not be the only one in the same boat. What does he like, any kind of hobby that will have a society?

If money isn't an issue, can you encourage him just to try the first 6 weeks? If money is an issue, there is a cut off point, and if you withdraw before that point, you don't get the student loan debt as I understand it - so if the uni can advise of that date, he could still try up to that point without worrying. He might not have said he's worried a bout wasting money, but it was defo in my mind when I dropped out, and again when I restarted. If my dad had been a bit more honest about what we had in the bank (even though he was redundant at the time) I might have worried less. I felt like I couldn't incur any extra expenses to make things easier and had to manage everything on the loan and the loan felt like a big bad thing in my black and white brain.

I was similar, OP. Terrible anxiety and panic attacks, suicide ideation. It was a struggle but I managed it. Recently got diagnosed as ASD so that explains a lot.

How far is his uni from home? I managed by going to a uni I could get home from relatively easily (2 hours on the train). I limited my trips home to once a term, but the fact that I could flee if i needed to helped.

It doesn't have to be a perfect experience to be absolutely worthwhile and the right choice.

I think not feeling ready is probably not the feeling to act upon (unless he has a plan for what he would do to become ready in the next year, which it sounds like he doesn't). The experience of university itself may well allow him to become 'ready' on the job. There will be others feeling similar.

Focus on joining and attending societies that he's interested in, if he can.

You sound like a great mum OP

He’s close enough to come home every weekend, about 2 hours, and his aunt is half an hour away and I work about an hour away half the week.

we have arranged to move in a day early and I will stay with him that first night. I have cancelled all plans and will stay nearby that weekend so I can be there if he wants and also disappear when he’s had enough of me.

he’s still pretty stressed but had also packed to go. I’m feeling more confident about it all now. Great advice from everyone

Oh thank you! That’s kind 😀

You do sound great, OP. It must be horribly hard to watch someone struggling with this.

Does he understand himself about black and white thinking and catastrophising? As when that was explained to me (years later) it did help. Understanding that just because I think something, doesn't make it true. And that my brain is kind of playing tricks on me by seeing things as black or white, when things are usually actually shades of grey. Another thing a therapist encouraged me to do is if I feel shit about something/myself, to go and do it anyway, take that feeling with me if necessary, but don't let it stop me doing the thing.

That's one reason that I said it doesn't have to be a 'perfect' experience to be worthwhile. It can be a struggle and involve missteps and difficult times but still be absolutely worthwhile. Even decades later I am so pleased that I stuck it out and got my degree.

The fact that he is so clever does make it truly worth trying.

I also didn't really have hobbies, but if he can join Minecraft that's great.

An Acceptance and Commitment therapy approach might suit him. There are YouTubes and books if you think that might help at some point.

How's it all going, @smalldogdancing?

Thanks for checking in. It has been a challenge.

The first weekend was fine. I stayed the first night (we went a night early, so the place was empty). I slept on the floor (I am too old for this!!). The weekend was fine, I popped in and out. I came and took him to induction, which he was nervous about, but he did and seemed positive. I went off, and then that night it all fell apart.

I think his flat got busy, and he just had a panic attack, and in the end, we had to come and take him home. However, he wasn't missing much, so we planned for his dad to take him back on Sunday for the first week of teaching. I was away.

Sunday came, panicked again, then fell out with his dad. I had to come home. I arranged to travel with him on Monday morning to get to his first lecture. We got to his room, and he had another panic. I ended up taking him to stay somewhere else as he didn't want to go home either. The last week has been rough. He has been at home, very stressed.

Met with his academic tutor. We arranged for a lecturer to meet with him this week and escort him to the lecture hall. He agreed to go back to his accommodation today. Seemed pretty calm. I bought him some books about autism and transitions, and he has been devouring them. He was reasonably calm at drop-off today. Got him a lot of snacks in case he can't get to the kitchen. He left some cookies out for his flatmates. I hope that he will meet them this weekend and that the stress of that is over.

So we are not out of the woods yet. But they said he has time to transition still, until the end of the month, really. Then it impacts funding. I am talking to disability again on Monday. He asked for one of his books to be bought (sixty quid?!!), which I see as a good sign. Genuinely one of the hardest weeks of my life. Poor boy, so upset. But he hasn't given up yet, and neither have we, although I have told him a year out is fine too. I'm exhausted.

I apologise in advance if I’m repeating at all as I haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to add my bit. My husband and I are both autistic and both went to uni. He lived there about an hour or two away from home whereas I lived with my parents throughout. It was miles easier for me. To be able to come home to my safe space every day was a huge relief. For my husband however his home was not a safe space. His father was an abusive alcoholic. So different situations led to different experiences.

For both of us the entire first year was very hard. University is such a different situation to adjust to so the more things in his life that can be kept the same the better. If he’s got the same safe snacks, the same clothes etc, he’ll feel more safe as more things are familiar to him.

It took me a year to make any friends. Once I found them I was fine until I left. My husband made friends quicker but they left in his penultimate year. This made his last year very hard.

The best advice I can give, which has probably already been given, is to take it a step at a time. Make sure he knows there’s no pressure and that he can choose to do whatever he wants, when he wants. But one hurdle at a time is best. Very best of luck to him, and you.

@smalldogdancing
You have done amazing supporting him. I can only imagine how hard it is for you as a mum to an autistic DD myself.
They want to do it all but cannot. That's the most heartbreaking thing to deal with. I hope you do little things to relax and look after yourself.
Hopefully your DS will settle once lessons start fully.
Big hugs to you.
Xx

It's so exhausting and hard, you are doing an amazing job. Sending hugs.

Sometimes DSA will give students their own academic skills mentor and a mental health mentor (someone to just talk to about wider life stuff and stress. Does he have either or both of these? He looks like he should qualify.

Has he been referred for therapy by the GP? Or could he access it via university, these tend to only be 6 weeks though, but ask disability services as they may have one with more sessions for certain students.

Does he have an LSP? They should have sent him via uni email a copy of the LSP. They will also explain all staff to him and their roles, ask library staff to do an induction, allow him extra time and other exam arrangements of his own room etc, being able to record lectures etc. Also things like not asking questions on the spot, arrangements for things like coursework, presentations. Make sure it includes all of this.

Disabiltiy Services are very good with this adding exam arrangements (extra time, rest breaks, scribe, separate room - ask for all the possible exam arrangements, as universities have lower thresholds), tools so recording lectures, and your dc should also have get some assistive technology from DSA which can help. Has he gotten his DSA2 letter and the equipment yet?

Your DC needs to go to office hours, and have sessions with his academic tutor (great that he went with you, hopefully that means he'll go by himself again). What progress or steps etc were made in that meeting?

Talk to his lectures and his Disability Advisor regularly. It's good you are involved for now, as he gets on and hopefully is enjoying it, works with support services etc, hopefully he can mange more himself which can be good as he gets towards the end of uni, but obviously not a concern for now.

Could he join any sports clubs? Something that's sort of more yes sociable but also your focused while doing it? Glad he's started going to a few lectures

My ds had a wobble last week before he went for his induction week, like yours is ASD. He did a foundation year last year, sailed through it & came out top of his cohort, but the thought of not being with the group of people who he has become close friends with really bothered him. Thankfully he is now really looking forward to starting his course.

Could your ds pick something closer to home, even do a foundation year to ease him into the new ways of working, ds said that having a year to learn about how they want work presenting, how everything works at university, ie libraries, meeting tutors etc has given him a good grounding before he starts his course. Tutors told them that students who do a foundation year generally do better than students who go straight from A levels.

Well done for supporting him so well, and he's impressive trying so hard when it's tough. I hope it works out for him, but if not then studying near you or through the OU is a good option to investigate.

Apologies @smalldogdancingI have not rtft but has your DS applied for Disabled Students Allowance?
(info here https://www.saas.gov.uk/guides/disabled-students-allowance )
(I think you said you’re in Scotland?)

This won’t solve things overnight but would give him access to a non-medical helper - mentor or buddy at first.

The disability team should be advising about this and maybe able to offer interim support while you are waiting for an application to be processed.

I hope he does ok. Good luck to you both.

Wee update to say I had a really helpful chat with disability yesterday, the advisor was so good. He even managed to get DS on a text chat with him which is the first time he’s interacted with the uni himself. Advisor said we have time and options before we need to talk deferral and if we do go that way they can do lots over summer to help him transition. All feels a lot more positive!

The advisor mentioned this to us and said they would help him apply. Said he could get a mentor and practical support which is great news!