DS panicked about going to university

[smalldogdancing]

DS is autistic but has managed well at school academically, was the top of his year, got his first choice of uni etc.

He’s just come to me in an absolute state. Says he can’t cope with going, doesn’t know what to do, that he’s thought about killing himself to avoid going and that he’ll never manage.

We have a meeting with Disability on Monday and a Dr appointment on Wednesday. I have said he can take a year out but he doesn’t think that will be good either.

he does tend to be black and white in his thinking. It’s all going to be awful. I actually think he could really like it. But I am also so worried now and I don’t really know what to do. I’ve told him he has my support either way. He says he feels there are no good options.

Anyone been here? Or have any thoughts? His dad will just tell him to get on with it so I’m keeping him out of it for now.

So very sorry you are going through this terrible worry.

My son in somewhat similar circumstances did take a year out & it has helped (I hope). When it first became clear he would have to take it I was very worried- imagining him locked up in his room going mad- but it has (again I hope) turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Apart from anything else, if your son works in that year he will earn some money!

If he did take a year out, would he have any friends in the area he can see? Would he be be isolated? Could he hold down a job? (I’m not suggesting he become an accountant- my son did restaurant, pub & shop work.)

It’s really good he has come to you about this & talked about his feelings- however terrifying that is. A good book I found was ‘How to Listen’ by Katie Columbus - it recognises the fact that hearing someone you love say this is absolutely terrifying.

I hope you get through the weekend ok.

Thank you for replying. I can’t sleep. He doesn’t think he could cope with a job either. But I wouldn’t want him home doing nothing for a year. I was thinking he could defer, work, get some therapy etc but he said that sounds worse.

He managed to go to school all through secondary so I just thought he was ok with going to uni. I can see he’s terrified though. I’m not convinced being home would help though. He doesn’t get on with his dad and I think they would escalate. Ideally I would like him to try and know he can come home. I think once he has all his routines there he could love it but he can’t imagine even getting in the car to go.

Is it in another town or city? You could spend the next few weekends visiting and exploring. Find a favourite coffee shop, swimming pool, burger bar close to his accommodation. Get familiar with the bus station, train station, canal, parks.

What does he do for leisure? Find him a karate dojo or the local paddleboard club.

Hopefully he'll feel more confident if he can feel at home in his surroundings before he has to deal with housemates or halls. It's a big disruption to routine.

He doesn’t do any hobbies. He’s socially anxious. He does have a girlfriend and she comes round but they don’t go out anywhere. He likes designing games on his computer or playing games. He did so well at school I didn’t foresee this at all.

I could take him to visit though, that’s a good idea. We did an open day and he did like it. He’s just gone full panic and nothing I say seems to help.

Does his home town university do his subject. DS is socially very anxious and couldn't move away so he went to the local university. He's five miles away from home and can get home on the bus in twenty minutes anytime he needs to.

We encouraged him to live in halls for first year which he so enjoyed, he's getting a house with friends next year. Yes, he made new friends too!

Not the one he wants but there are some in the same field. I’ll mention that to him tomorrow.

If you go there for weekends to get him familiar with his surroundings, maybe ask the girlfriend along on the second or third trip. If she can look forward to visiting him there, that might help too.

Find the local IT repair shop too.

Aww, look at it from his point of view.

He coped well at school and it was a all manageable and predictable for him.

Now this is gone. Finished.

He's probably a bit lost.

He's moving to a new place with a new routine, new unknown people & challenges. (And this would still be the case if he too a year out)

In your shoes, I would be very understanding, no pressure, talk it through maybe remind him how he did overcome some specific challenges at secondary school and how this experience can be transferred to uni life.

I can only speak from personal experience, but I had similar with my high strung autistic DD starting uni and feeling suicidal in the same period, she generally really struggles with change.

Slightly different because she went to uni in the nearest city to us, so commuted there whilst living at home. This was great for her in transitioning to uni, however I personally think she’d have eventually found her way anywhere. Is this something your son would consider (if available)? It doesn’t have to be for the full course either, my DD eventually found her people and in 3rd year moved in with friends. The other thing that may help is to break it down into chunks, when my DD was struggling we told her to try sticking it out till Christmas and then we could review. My DD liked having this deadline, if we’d said just give it a go she’d have struggled. She also did a foundation year despite having the grades for the full course to give her a gentle introduction to uni life.

Fingers crossed for your DS. Above all else, it’s an absolutely valid option for him to take a year out and to allow himself to adapt to being an adult.

He doesn’t think he could cope with a job either.

Well, tell him he'll have to. Does he think he's going to live at home for free and get pocket money until he retires?

Even if he's just taking a year out, he needs to be doing something productive.

He's clearly been knocked by all the changes that going to Uni will entail, be he needs to be aware that he's an adult now, things aren't going to stay the same at home.

I think that going away to university is scary for a lot of young people. Add autism into the mix and that's on a whole new level.

Does he know exactly what is scary or is it a case of being so overwhelmed by the changes that it's hard to pin down?

I'd try making a list of all the things that will be different or that he will have to do independently for the first time and then work out strategies for each of those things eg finding his way around the city, finding his way around the uni building, cooking for himself, budgeting, laundry, making friends.

You could work together to create a notebook that acts as a social story so that when he's faced with a situation that is new or scary he can look at the book and see a series of steps to deal with that situation.

I agree with previous suggestions about trying to visit where he is studying over the summer.

I went to uni way back in the 80s but dd only graduated this year. During that interval, the internet has transformed support for students. So much available now that we didn't have years ago. Resources that are helpful for NT students (eg online timetables, maps etc) will be even more useful for neuro diverse student.

Even though you said your ds doesn't really socialise at the moment, he might end up finding his tribe when he gets to uni. Have a look with him to see what clubs and societies there are. There are likely to be things like gaming, computer programming, dungeons and dragons etc where he can meet other young people who will be on the same wavelength as himself.

Could you use the 'what would your girlfriend think?' angle..? I'm sure a teenage girl would want to support her BF with entering uni and wouldn't want him to be living with his parents forever with no future plans for work and putting off studying for a year especially if she has plans and hobbies herself..? Just spitballing. My son is a yr younger and had 0 motivation, bedrotted all day, struggled with wanting to pursue education and moving to college after being out of mainstream education despite being intelligent ect but as of recent he's developed a lot of hobbies and goals since entering a new environment, with some extra prodding about wanting to be the best version of himself for a peer who he likes

We have an Autistic son, and although younger, we expect he may well commute to uni whilst living at home. I’d be seriously investigating clearing options for this year, or defer to next year to his local uni.

If he's having a year out, he has to do something meaningful. He can volunteer if he can’t cope with a job, though probably needs a bit of time and space to calm down first.

We know a couple of autistic teens stacking shelves rather than in customer facing roles, and really enjoy it.

Hold tight, a level results have only just come out and it's probably all feeling very real and scary at the moment.

You've done some cracking parenting to help get him to this point, and it sounds like you're super supportive of your DS and really want to help find solutions so he feels more at ease now.

It might just be that he needs a bit of time for the idea of uni to sink in. I think PP ideas of visiting etc are brilliant, and something for you to keep in your back pocket of plans for the next few weeks. For now, I wonder if he just needs some time, calmness at home, and no pressure to make big decisions just yet.

These answers are great thank you! I can’t discuss it with his dad really and it helps to have a space to talk it through.

His main line is he doesn’t feel ready. I think it’s fair enough and I’ve told him he has my support and he’s more important to me than uni attendance. He does tend to catastophise stuff so it’s all awful and could never ever be good so it’s hard to discuss it with him in a way. I’ve suggested just seeing how induction goes. I work in the next city and can come and visit him in the evening and walk him through things like finding the shop and finding his class. I think I can say to him he can defer, try to go or explore clearing for the closer uni. Maybe make some lists for them all.

Ah being a parent is hard. I just want to fix it for him.

Can relate so much, my DD is a bit younger but sounds very similar. I'm expecting she will likely want to live at home and study locally at least at first so agree with the other person who suggested that option. It could be a good stepping stone to independence.
DD had an assessment for autism recently but results were confusing and we will revisit in a few months. She has quite acute social anxiety so it's hard to know what else is going on, the plan is to treat that first then assess again.
I would be grateful to know how you realized that your high function autistic child had autism if you don't mind sharing? Mine does well academically and understands the emotions of others but finds new social situations and situations where she is not in control or rushed very hard.
Thank you!

He was assessed in primary school. He wouldn’t speak. He was initially diagnosed with selective mutism but over time other things were picked up.

Your daughter sounds like mine. She was fine in primary but the wheels have fallen off the bus in secondary. Lots of sensory issues, can’t do people. She has a couple of close friends though and is fine with them and does well at school. Very anxious. It’s just different for girls I think.

Thank you! The part I'm finding confusing is that my DD is fine interacting with me and her close friend and seems totally average and lively in that setting but because she is very different when talking to the assessor - guarded and talking in a monotone they are basing their diagnosis on that impression. I don't know enough about autism to understand if the behaviour can be situational rather than consistent? DD's main obvious issue is school refusal due to massive anxiety. All school reports in elementary school were fine but she's now in secondary school and has had a big burnout.

Sounds just like my girl. She stopped going to school, started to self harm, not eat. It was awful. She was on a part time timetable before the summer. She won’t get an assessment because the waiting list is too long so we are just trying to address the anxiety. She can’t stand school. The work is fine but the people, the noise, folk looking at her (she thinks). She gets herself in a right state. I don’t know if it’s autism or extreme anxiety or both.

I think weekend visits are a great idea - there may be a lurking lack of being able to picture himself there, to which his brain is responding with a black and white "can't go - not possible". Buying a coffee in a nearby coffee shop, going into the bookshop on campus etc might really help. Travelling on the bus into town, walking between his hall and his subject building. Or whatever he can manage, but very low demand and with a "let's see how this feels" approach.

Also will he get an extra support at uni? My daughter has applied for a 2 day orientation event for autistic students, and through DSA she is getting study skills and life skills mentoring. For her I would be tempted to encourage her to do the orientation thing and then see how she feels, rather than not going at all. But it might be risky

During the DSA Needs Assessment, at the end they ask you if you want to consent to it being sent to the univeristy (normally in advance of you starting) so they know what support they are recommending your uni disability service implement (academic mentor 1-1, mental health services etc) and then the student doesn't have to chase all of it themselves. So make sure to say yes to this @smalldogdancing - or that he does.

Then for the needs assesment (not actually called that just a meeting) - with a uni disability advisor they can go through everything the uni can offer including telling all lecture staff (as they change about him in advance) - it's essentially with someone from the disability staff, likely called a Disability Advisor (I'm sure you could join this as well, virtually or in-person). Then then can create after it a Leanring Support Plan (share it with all staff, who come in contact with him, including personal tutor and lecutre staff as they change). It will have stuff for exams, notes for lecturers on leaving, recording lectures all of that. I've attached an example template of things to bring up from the University of Sheffield - use it as a guide and maybe go through it beforehand. Just has basic information on potential things to help from a uni - also ask Chatgpt for more examples as it can search through many websites quickly.

They will send him the copy of the LSP before they approve it asking if the wants anything changed etc ( so check for those emails). They will also explain all staff to him and their roles, ask library staff to do an induction, allow him extra time and other exam arrangements of his own room etc, being able to record lectures, later submission without needing to get medical evidence directly (unlike other students who if they had a sudden medical issue would have to get it immediately to DLOs), also sometimes they can take books out of the library for longer and much more. DLOs - Disability Liason Officers tend to work in departments (so there's a few for engineering, some for biology etc, they tend to be lecturing staff and they are responsible for when you need to do the extenuating circumstances paperwork if you're disability flares up etc).

https://sheffield.ac.uk/disability-dyslexia-support/dsa/assessors

ASD just don’t operate like this…..

My DD is also ASD. Just sat A levels too.
I suspect your DS needs some time to process the situation and he's feeling rushed and unsure.
Take a breath. Tell him he's not going to be forced into anything and he has choices. If he's not able to do that before September then he can take a year out and reapply next year with grades in hand. His present choice of Uni may offer defer if asked.
Don't even have the conversation about what he'll do in the meantime.

Right to choose can speed up the wait. We waited until 18th birthday (when the assessment costs halved - but this is provider-dependent) and went private.

It seems reasonable to me to consider autism assessment in a profoundly anxious girl with sensory difficulties who has an autistic brother. Some private assessors will screen for free and only ask for money if the screening indicates likelihood of autism.