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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

DS panicked about going to university

80 replies

smalldogdancing · 16/08/2025 00:08

DS is autistic but has managed well at school academically, was the top of his year, got his first choice of uni etc.

He’s just come to me in an absolute state. Says he can’t cope with going, doesn’t know what to do, that he’s thought about killing himself to avoid going and that he’ll never manage.

We have a meeting with Disability on Monday and a Dr appointment on Wednesday. I have said he can take a year out but he doesn’t think that will be good either.

he does tend to be black and white in his thinking. It’s all going to be awful. I actually think he could really like it. But I am also so worried now and I don’t really know what to do. I’ve told him he has my support either way. He says he feels there are no good options.

Anyone been here? Or have any thoughts? His dad will just tell him to get on with it so I’m keeping him out of it for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
smalldogdancing · 16/08/2025 22:51

We are in Scotland so I don’t think we can access that but I’ll check. I do think she is to be honest but assessment I think would help her a lot. She feels guilty a lot.

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 16/08/2025 22:53

smalldogdancing · 16/08/2025 22:51

We are in Scotland so I don’t think we can access that but I’ll check. I do think she is to be honest but assessment I think would help her a lot. She feels guilty a lot.

The same process with a university still apply as in the university Disability service and the LSP. DSA you'd have to check but I'm sure something similar exists perhaps under a different name. You can and should get a meeting with a Disability Advisor pre-starting uni, go on the university website and fill in any forms registering her with them and also anything you want them to know or do (even if she didn't have it at school, university can be more flexible).

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 22:55

Have you contacted the University?
Many do an extra visit day for students with disabilities so they can see what support they have, meet others in the same boat as them and have a few contacts from this to go to the dining hall with those first few days.

TheLivelyViper · 16/08/2025 22:58

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 22:55

Have you contacted the University?
Many do an extra visit day for students with disabilities so they can see what support they have, meet others in the same boat as them and have a few contacts from this to go to the dining hall with those first few days.

Edited

Yes universities sometimes allow disabled students to move in earlier and often do longer inductions with them on things like the libary so they know what services are there for help and support, what study skill services there are and anything to help with mental health etc. So ask them for this when you have the meeting online, to send you all the details in advance.

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 16/08/2025 23:03

We have an appointment on Monday, I am hopeful that they will settle him. I am sure they’ve seen this before!

He has agreed to a day trip next weekend so that feels like a positive step.

OP posts:
crazycatladie · 16/08/2025 23:04

Had a similar experience with my daughter, in the end she decided to go to local university as she felt able to cope with that rather than moving away

unsevered67 · 16/08/2025 23:43

My ds went off to university in Edinburgh but hated his course. He dropped out at the end of the first term. He re- applied to other courses but chose to say at home in Glasgow . He is socially able but I think he preferred the familiarity.
He ended up getting a degree and a great graduate job. But he says now that effectively starting his course age 19 instead of18 made a big difference to his maturity levels , and he thinks the eventual outcome was better because of this.
Sometimes they are just not quite ready for the changes that uni brings. If that’s how your ds is feeling then there can be benefits n deferring for a year

Sausagescanfly · 17/08/2025 00:09

I was very anxious about going to university and a weekend trip up there before I started really helped. I spent a fair bit of that weekend taking a video to show my grandma around the university. Now that I think about it, having that to focus on distracted me from thinking too much about my anxiety whilst familiarising myself with the town/university.

Velmy · 17/08/2025 04:26

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/08/2025 22:21

ASD just don’t operate like this…..

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So what happens when he doesn't want to go to Uni or get a job next year? And the year after? And five years from now?

Unless his autism is so severe that he can't function in society without care, at some point he's going to have take responsibility for himself, get a job and move out. He just doesn't want to.

Dippythedino · 17/08/2025 05:07

Can he do a distance degree like the open un8versity so he doesn't need to leave home?

There are plenty of remote jobs he could do such as administrative and support roles to earn a living.

autienotnaughty · 17/08/2025 06:12

Is there a uni closer to home so he can commute?

AnotherJaffaCakePlease · 17/08/2025 06:35

Would watching some "day in the life" videos on YouTube or Tik tok help? Then he can see some daily routines of other students and sone surroundings. Maybe look up his accomodation on there too, someone has bound to have filmed a tour. Seeing it and hearing other students might make it less "unknown".

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 17/08/2025 09:07

Velmy · 17/08/2025 04:26

So what happens when he doesn't want to go to Uni or get a job next year? And the year after? And five years from now?

Unless his autism is so severe that he can't function in society without care, at some point he's going to have take responsibility for himself, get a job and move out. He just doesn't want to.

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Really he does want to. He’s just very afraid and has a lot of black and white thinking. Either he can do it or he can’t kind of thing. Shifting that is the challenge I have and I don’t want to push as it won’t help. Somehow I have to get him to feel it’s possible. At the moment he thinks it would be easier if he wasn’t here.

I totally agree that he can’t just sit at home for a year though. He would have to find something to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
smalldogdancing · 17/08/2025 09:10

Videos are a great idea! When we go out to eat we always read the menu in advance so that he knows what he’s ordering and it really helps.

OP posts:
Aspidistree · 17/08/2025 10:31

Velmy · 17/08/2025 04:26

So what happens when he doesn't want to go to Uni or get a job next year? And the year after? And five years from now?

Unless his autism is so severe that he can't function in society without care, at some point he's going to have take responsibility for himself, get a job and move out. He just doesn't want to.

Show quote history

You're exhibiting some black and white thinking there! It's normal for an autistic young person to take a bit longer and need some extra steps. EHCPs can run until age 25. Gap years might need to be about building skills and confidence to get the building blocks in place for them getting a job later.

My autistic eldest was working from 16 and is planning to start uni at 18. My youngest won't do either of these things on that timetable but it doesn't mean he won't ever be able to. We were given a rule of thumb of consider DC 2-3 years behind developmentally in primary school, but the gap has widened through the tumult of teen years. He still has plenty of growing up left to do.

VeryStressedMum · 17/08/2025 10:35

smalldogdancing · 16/08/2025 01:02

Thank you for replying. I can’t sleep. He doesn’t think he could cope with a job either. But I wouldn’t want him home doing nothing for a year. I was thinking he could defer, work, get some therapy etc but he said that sounds worse.

He managed to go to school all through secondary so I just thought he was ok with going to uni. I can see he’s terrified though. I’m not convinced being home would help though. He doesn’t get on with his dad and I think they would escalate. Ideally I would like him to try and know he can come home. I think once he has all his routines there he could love it but he can’t imagine even getting in the car to go.

What does it mean he doesn't get on with his dad and it would escalate?
What is his father doing?

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 17/08/2025 11:08

His dad can’t cope with emotions at all. He’s very just get on with it which really doesn’t help and they end up arguing. It’s easier to keep him out of it.

OP posts:
Aspidistree · 17/08/2025 12:39

What about the motivation angle? You say he does want to go, but why? I don't mean big up "oh you'll have a lovely time" etc but get him to tell you why he wants it - to remind himself.

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 25/08/2025 10:53

Just a wee update- things much better. Good appointment with the Dr with some medication and a referral for further support. We did a visit and walked from his accommodation to the university and found his specific building. He seems steadier. The discovery of a Minecraft society has not hurt! Think we have more wobbles to come but feel we are out of the place we were in last week.

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 25/08/2025 15:29

smalldogdancing · 25/08/2025 10:53

Just a wee update- things much better. Good appointment with the Dr with some medication and a referral for further support. We did a visit and walked from his accommodation to the university and found his specific building. He seems steadier. The discovery of a Minecraft society has not hurt! Think we have more wobbles to come but feel we are out of the place we were in last week.

That's great. Has he been refered to psychiatry and given some antidepressants? Have you enquired about any therapy yet?. DBT could be really helpful.

ItsNotMeEither · 25/08/2025 16:54

I've only just come across this thread.

As a total stranger, I just have to say, I'm so thrilled for you son. Sounds like the one visit really helped. Hopefully you'll have time for a couple more visits before he starts and they will all help.

If he goes, will he live in halls? If so, I'd talk to him about moving in as early as possible. You take him to move in, take him out for dinner that night, stay overnight, find the supermarket and help with his first shop etc. Makes sure he knows this plan in advance.

My thinking is, if he's one of the first to move in, the place might feel clamer. Then, if it's a week or two before his course starts, maybe you can go back for one more day with him, or did I read that you may be able to visit after work sometimes? Maybe that was someone else.

I think a couple more visits and the Minecraft Club could really help him to feel more secure. Wishing him all the best.

TheLivelyViper · 25/08/2025 17:15

ItsNotMeEither · 25/08/2025 16:54

I've only just come across this thread.

As a total stranger, I just have to say, I'm so thrilled for you son. Sounds like the one visit really helped. Hopefully you'll have time for a couple more visits before he starts and they will all help.

If he goes, will he live in halls? If so, I'd talk to him about moving in as early as possible. You take him to move in, take him out for dinner that night, stay overnight, find the supermarket and help with his first shop etc. Makes sure he knows this plan in advance.

My thinking is, if he's one of the first to move in, the place might feel clamer. Then, if it's a week or two before his course starts, maybe you can go back for one more day with him, or did I read that you may be able to visit after work sometimes? Maybe that was someone else.

I think a couple more visits and the Minecraft Club could really help him to feel more secure. Wishing him all the best.

I'm guessing when he moves in, it will be a weekend, then that following week will be freshers and then the next week will be when lectures and the courses properly start. But even on freshers week he'll have course inductions, course socials, looking at digital skills, how everything will work etc.

You could ask the Disability team @smalldogdancing about moving in a few days early, they sometimes allow it for students with ASD or disabilities which mean it will be easier for them when it's less crowded. The same with registration, he may be able to pick up his card etc in a seperate building and have his own slot, as will other students so it's much less crowded, and it's for those who may have difficulty doing it where everyone else does. Most universities have a specific transition schedule for students who are autistic.

How has his online registration stuff been going? Like the forms, personal details, emergency contact, turion fees, picking modules etc. Doing that might help him know what he's in for and he'll be less fazed.

Aspidistree · 25/08/2025 17:59

What a great update! How did your meeting with disability go? (is that the uni disability team?) Hope they are lining some good things up for him - I have been assured by several people now that autism support steps up a bit at uni for many students.

Hiytdgythgfvhhg56 · 25/08/2025 18:05

Where i live, not the UK many people live at home and go to university. It sounds like a good solution in this case. Well done him for getting this far

cariadlet · 26/08/2025 19:46

That's a fantastic update. Thanks for posting @smalldogdancing