Christmas half term - Year 13 (another original thread title!)

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

Carrying on from previous thread

I'm so rubbish with thread titles. Anyway...

This time last year there was lots of chat about tests/exams/mocks at this point. Are there fewer of them, or is everyone more chilled about them?

I often think that phrases like what do you want or how do you feel get very angry responses on the most basic level, almost defensive responses because they are too general, whereas if you ask how someone feels about a specific physical thing, like this book or this date centred event or this food they sometimes can use that as a springboard to talk more openly about other stuff. When ds1 talks about films, boring as I find that a lot of the time, he sometimes uses it to talk about other things he feels. Direct questions are utterly useless with him, I find it very demoralising. But sometimes the questions are because I want to know things, not really because he has any interest in sharing things with me, and it doesn't really interest or satisfy him to pass the information on to me. Hard for me accept. I am expecting a torrent of information about his interviews though, how it went and the journey and the tutor, he will share that, just not what any of his friends at school do or what they think or what their plans are...

nettle
Thankyou
hes
Dd has this new fancy pastel highlighters I bought her them off eBay pack of 5 for £5.49
derek
Oh that must be worrying. Please update us all.

Raspberry great news for your dd!!!

Derek that does sound worrying, but I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think.

Dd's abysmal exam last week was indeed abysmal, she got a U in that module!!! I was all set to be cross with her, but she's so angry with herself it seemed counter-productive. So I've contented myself with suggesting she could do more revision for the real exams. The others have been fine, even though they haven't been the stellar results she was assuming she'd get.

I hope it's ok Derek.

That's a bit of a shock MrsAD. Much better now though than in a few months time.

dd commented that she realised that she can't just rock up and derive things on the spot now in some of her maths modules. I think they get so used to doing that in maths that having to do a bit of work for it comes as a shock.

DS1's sixth form has a visiting lecturer every Friday afternoon.

DS1 was off ill today, but heard from his friends that this afternoon's lecturer invited the students to type into an app what they found inexplicable about the USA, and then incorporated the audience submissions into a word cloud.

Previous audiences had submitted sensible suggestions like 'Trump' and 'gun laws'. I don't think the lecturer had ever tried this on an audience of 16-18 year old boys... 🤨

derek Hope all is ok

Second we used to have a visiting Lecturer every Friday afternoon (or was it Wednesday) The lectures have still stayed with me, especially the ones about mating lions and criminal witnesses. I would be quite annoyed at a lecturer encouraging the tweeting/soundbite habit, we have enough of that here already which is why my children find it difficult to use full sentences

tried to get ds1 to write some dates on a piece of paper for me re: coming months/interviews/exams/end of term. He wrote 3 dates down and ran off saying he was too tired to think or talk. not really getting any communication out of him atm..except polite words when I give him food or hand him clean clothes!

It was indeed a bit of a shock kitten. But she put all her FM modules together and discovered that even with that appallingly bad result she would still get a B, which is OK but still 2 grades below her target

I wish we had visiting lecturers here, but nothing like that happens with dd1's school. My school does a series of lunchtime sessions with political candidates every time there is an election (local, general, referendum) which have always gone down well with the sixth formers, but we don't manage anything more regularly than that.

So it appears that DS has started to self harm and has got himself into a bit of a cycle. He's talking to a trusted teacher and is seeing the counselor. I'm slightly shell shocked tbh, but I'm aware that this is very common and he just needs to find a positive way to deal with his stress. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs and we'll support him as best we can

It is common Derek, but it must still be a shock. Thank goodness he has support. It's a tricky bit of life this part.

derek sorry to hear that he is struggling.
Well done for staying calm. CBT can be really helpful if he is able to access that via GP / CAMHS.

Derek when my friends DD was self-harming there were other physical things they tried in place of actual cutting. Holding an ice cube, drawing on an arm with a biro but most effective was wearing a rubber band on the wrist. If they snap this against the skin it is painful but not scarring. You may know all of this but wanted to help if I could.

The moodgym website is a good starting point

His ideal uni course is asking for AAA ( no offer for this yet) but there is an almost identical course at a non RG uni but well respected for his chosen degree offering 120 points (BBB ish) so we talked about this in an attempt to reduce academic stress. It may be coincidental but this has all started since he's started to go out with a girlfriend who also self harms (both totally besotted with each other - its not going to fizzle out any time soon.... )

Thanks for the band suggestion, it is something we've discussed, and he's downloaded calm harm app, which apparently is good for distracting until the urge dissipates. I think he's fed up of me talking about it tbh

derek I am so sorry to hear this. It's a positive thing that he was able to tell you and that he is getting support from school. I have been through this with DD before GCSEs. It might be worth asking around about whether CAMHS is any good in your area - they were utterly useless for DD, but I'm sure it depends on how over-stretched they are in your area. Anti-depressants, therapy and mindfulness helped DD.

Do you think he would feel less stressed if he planned to take a gap year? That way he can focus on the exams and apply to university when he has his grades. Just an idea.

I hope you have someone in real life that you can talk to. It is so hard to support a DC going though this and you need support in order to be strong enough to support him. I send very best wishes to you and your DS.

That must have been a bit of a shock Derek. If his gf self harms then it's not that big a leap to him trying it. It does often become a bit of a thing within a friendship group, just like eating disorders, drug taking, smoking, etc. Cahms has been very good at supporting the few kids at my school who have seen them about self harm. It's great that he feels he can talk to a teacher and a counsellor.

He is planning a gap year, so there isn't that pressure. I do blame myself ax I always thought he was very laid back, so possibly have tried to keep him 'on track'!
I work in pastoral care in a school 😱 it is different when dealing with your own child though.... But yes, plenty of people to offload to

derek
Sorry to hear your DS is struggling it is a common issue. One of dds friends is going through mental health issues.
Do you maybe think his gf is influencing his decisions with self harm etc? Having worked in a school too it is shocking the amount of times I’ve heard well my boyfriend told me to do it because he doesn’t etc

derek My very limited experience is that exposure to a behaviour can normalise it. My mother would call that "getting in with the wrong crowd". The previous school had an issue with eating disorders in Y9, once they had one pupil that was serious about it then soon there were six. I am glad that he's been able to speak about it, that is a really positive thing.

You can't blame yourself Derek, parenting is impossible, it's chaos theory acted out practically. As long as we do things with love and good intentions for them, that's all we can do.

Oh derek what a worry. But I would be really pleased that he has owned up - which gives me the impression that he really wants to stop.

We went to the Offer Holder Day at Liverpool on Saturday. DD is still very taken with place. I just found the university campus incredibly quiet - but then I realised that all the students were probably still in bed, it being Saturday morning.

Although Liverpool is asking for AAB, DD knows someone who got in last year with BBB, but as it was not their first choice they are in some really grim accommodation a good 20 minutes outside the centre.

Derek. This parenting lark is bloody hard, the fact that every child and relationship is different means that there is no instruction manual.

Have you considered that your Ds started self harming to have something in common with his girlfriend, realised it wasn't a great idea and spoke to teachers as a way of having someone else take responsibility for making him stop? He can stop without losing face and maybe persuade his girlfriend to stop as well, probably not understanding the psychology behind her reasons.