Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

What motivations are acceptable for fostering?

130 replies

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 09:07

If I'm honest that I'm mostly motivated to consider fostering because my only child (6) is regularly mentioning her lack of siblings, how she'd love a sibling, how she'd like to look after them (she loves younger kids, loves looking after them) etc. ...would that exclude us from fostering?

(Obviously children needing fostering in our area may not be younger, I'm aware).

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 15:55

jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 15:52

If you'd have to move house to childmind, surely you would to foster too?

Fostering is a total career change too.

Not necessarily.

You need a large horizontal/linked space for several kids at one time. Not necessarily for two.

But it wouldn't be an issue anyway.

Yes, I read that it may be preferred that you're a sahp, I wasn't sure if working from home is feasible/acceptable - esp during school/preschool hours for children of that age.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 15:55

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 15:53

I think it was this comment from you that concerned me.

Why? Would anyone normal not have empathy and compassion for a child who's going to be adopted, who's been fostered by a family; and who knows - must know - that if their foster family is not being considered for adoption; that it's because they've chosen not to be considered.

I have obviously got no experience whatsoever, but I'd find that hard to live with.
You'd imagine, unless there are major reasons why, that you'd want to be considered to adopt them.

No. Most foster carers are not looking to adopt.

TeenDivided · 02/11/2023 15:56

The difference is the attitude. Intending to foster, or fostering in the hope that a child will come along that you will then adopt.

My DDs FC always made it clear that the children were only there until a new Mum/Dad could be found (or in case of others they returned to BF).
She did actually eventually adopt 2 but they had stayed with her ages as no one else was willing to adopt them due to their needs. They were settled with her, she knew she could cope, so adopted.

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 15:57

It sounds like a subtle difference but it's really a huge one.

I appreciate it.

This thread has been very helpful on that, and any other number of things, in trying to process this embryonic idea.

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/11/2023 15:59

..that if their foster family is not being considered for adoption; that it's because they've chosen not to be considered.

I chose not to adopt my last little one, not because I didn't love him because I did and still do, he'd been with me for two and a half years, I chose not to because I was almost 60 and I felt he deserved a younger couple. He needed parents of an age that would be similar to other parents at school/social events. He needed a family who could get to the top of the highest climbing frame. He needed to not be marked out as different because I was old enough to be his granny. When he came to us as a baby we knew he'd be a 'difficult to adopt' baby and we knew we would offer permanence but not full on adoption. None of that means I loved him any less.

Redskyatwhatever · 02/11/2023 16:01

@Hamburger233 I think you might have been trying to name change when you referred to yourself in the 3rd person but hey ho my family member fostered a no of children of differing ages over a long period ( they had no children of their own their choice) and were not seeing it as a try before you buy at all. They fell for one little sweetheart and then explored adoption and were successful. It was still very much are they the right family for this child rather than is this the right child for this family. I now work professionally in this area myself and know the rigours of the foster system, that’s why I question if it is for you.

TeenDivided · 02/11/2023 16:03

When you adopt one of the things you have to do is fill out a tick list of what issues you will / won't consider. e.g. Born of rape, MH issues in family, life limiting illness, learning disabilities, FASD, physical impairment, expecting to not be independent adult, etc.

Matching a child to adoptive parents is tricky, and is in no way an exact science. A FC may well cope with all sorts of things that an adoptive parent may say is too much, because a FC has to cope for 3 months, or a year, or 2 years, (or say 10 years for LTFC), whereas adoption is for life, so 50-60 years until the adoptive parents die.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/11/2023 16:04

I went into fostering (along with my late husband) to foster, not to adopt. We were clear about that from the outset and that is what our LA were looking for in foster carers. I have loved every single one of my children, I have nurtured them, cuddled them, been there every single step of their journey, advocating for them. Then I have handed them over to their new lives when their time was right but it doesn't mean my heart breaks any less every single time.

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:04

TeenDivided · 02/11/2023 15:56

The difference is the attitude. Intending to foster, or fostering in the hope that a child will come along that you will then adopt.

My DDs FC always made it clear that the children were only there until a new Mum/Dad could be found (or in case of others they returned to BF).
She did actually eventually adopt 2 but they had stayed with her ages as no one else was willing to adopt them due to their needs. They were settled with her, she knew she could cope, so adopted.

Again.

That only referred to the scenario in which a child you were fostering became a prospective adoptive child. I would find it hard to imagine not trying to adopt if that happened. I have no idea how often that happens, it sounds like not.

On the wider subject, if we coped well with fostering and our foster placements were successful (all round), it might influence the prospect of considering adoption in the longer term. Or it might prove that we are not suitable for it. (Though I appreciate there are many differences between the two, so it's not a simple parallel).

The former is presumably what happened with the poster's relative/friend who did that .... But who wasn't apparently "trying before they bought".

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:10

I think you might have been trying to name change when you referred to yourself in the 3rd person

I haven't been trying to name change.

OP posts:
jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 16:10

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 15:55

Not necessarily.

You need a large horizontal/linked space for several kids at one time. Not necessarily for two.

But it wouldn't be an issue anyway.

Yes, I read that it may be preferred that you're a sahp, I wasn't sure if working from home is feasible/acceptable - esp during school/preschool hours for children of that age.

You wouldn't be able to work while fostering - especially as you would probably only be able to foster babies and toddlers as your own DD is so young - you would need to be fully available for them for appointments, contact, meetings with social workers. Fostering is a full time 24/7 job.

You don't need a big space to childmind, I first registered while only having a small kitchen and a living room.
You could childmind up to 3 preschool aged children and another 2 children your DD's age before/after school.

It terms of what your motivation is - providing a busy home life and playmates for your DD - childminding is much more practical. The children will be much more like your DD in terms of background, behaviours and social skills, much more likely to play with her. And you will still have evenings and weekends for your DD.

Deadringer · 02/11/2023 16:11

Foster carers are described by pp as highly skilled and experienced, true, but they don't start off that way. There is training yes, but training is nothing to actual experience, almost all foster carers start of with nothing but a desire to foster, for a myriad of reasons, even though they might not be completely honest about them. The skills and experience are aquired as you go. Some want to earn a bit of extra income, some want to have children in the house when their dc are grown, some just love babies, some were in care themselves and want to give other children a better outcome than their own, some just want to help, and yes some want to fill a gap in their family. My point is that most end up becoming dedicated and loving carers who can't imagine any other kind of family life. The children in their care will at the very least be fed, housed and educated, and at best will have a loving caring family to raise them, and a chance of a decent life, and that's what matters.

jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 16:13

It sounds to me like you want to look after some straightforward children at home, and for them to be fun and sociable for your DD to care for and play with.

It doesn't sound like you are very motivated to provide therapeutic care for traumatised children with additional needs.

TeenDivided · 02/11/2023 16:14

How would you cope as a FC helping a child transition to an adoptive family if you had been wanting to adopt the child yourself but the LA wouldn't choose you?

I have read anecdotes over the years of FCs not coping / behaving well in those circumstances and making transition hard for the child and the adopters. I fear at the moment you could fall into that category.

(And how would a child know you could have asked to adopt them, but chose not to? That very much should not happen.)

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:14

Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/11/2023 15:59

..that if their foster family is not being considered for adoption; that it's because they've chosen not to be considered.

I chose not to adopt my last little one, not because I didn't love him because I did and still do, he'd been with me for two and a half years, I chose not to because I was almost 60 and I felt he deserved a younger couple. He needed parents of an age that would be similar to other parents at school/social events. He needed a family who could get to the top of the highest climbing frame. He needed to not be marked out as different because I was old enough to be his granny. When he came to us as a baby we knew he'd be a 'difficult to adopt' baby and we knew we would offer permanence but not full on adoption. None of that means I loved him any less.

Those are entirely reasonable and very unselfish reasons.

I'm sorry you had to make the (right) decision though.

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:17

How would you cope as a FC helping a child transition to an adoptive family if you had been wanting to adopt the child yourself but the LA wouldn't choose you?

This is all totally theoretical but if we weren't chosen, I'd imagine there would be very good reasons for that and would accept it as in the best interests of the child.

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:18

I have read anecdotes over the years of FCs not coping / behaving well in those circumstances and making transition hard for the child and the adopters. I fear at the moment you could fall into that category.

You fear wrong.

My priority for any child in my care, would be to do what is in their best interests.

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:22

(And how would a child know you could have asked to adopt them, but chose not to? That very much should not happen.)

Do children being fostered with families who appear to have the circumstances appropriate for adoption, not wonder why that family would not be a candidate for adopting them/want to adopt them?

I'd have thought that would be a very natural thought process for a child living with a family, (even if they went there being told it would be for eg months). Wouldn't they be thinking "why can't I just stay on here? Why don't they want to adopt me?" (If there's no obvious obstacle to it).

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 16:22

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:18

I have read anecdotes over the years of FCs not coping / behaving well in those circumstances and making transition hard for the child and the adopters. I fear at the moment you could fall into that category.

You fear wrong.

My priority for any child in my care, would be to do what is in their best interests.

Even if your biological DD is very upset and you feel responsible for the upset?

I feel you are being incredibly naive about the depth of complex feelings that can arise.

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:24

MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 16:22

Even if your biological DD is very upset and you feel responsible for the upset?

I feel you are being incredibly naive about the depth of complex feelings that can arise.

And how would acting out about it, with a vulnerable child there, benefit anybody?

That's very immature, selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 16:31

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:24

And how would acting out about it, with a vulnerable child there, benefit anybody?

That's very immature, selfish behaviour.

Edited

I can't actually believe the naivety I'm reading. This level of emotional unawareness would make for a very poor fostering environment IMO.

Approach the charities but you must answer there questions with full honesty to enable them to assess you fully.

gotomomo · 02/11/2023 16:34

Based on what you have written I think your heart is in the right place but you need to consider the impact on your dd if the placement doesn't work out. In all honesty I think you would be more suited to long term placement, with the potential to adopt perhaps. As my friend called it "a try before you buy" arrangement, she's in the process of adopting her long term (3 years) placement.

Get as much information as you can on options in your area, there certainly are children out there needing homes just have your eyes open to the pitfalls

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:40

jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 16:10

You wouldn't be able to work while fostering - especially as you would probably only be able to foster babies and toddlers as your own DD is so young - you would need to be fully available for them for appointments, contact, meetings with social workers. Fostering is a full time 24/7 job.

You don't need a big space to childmind, I first registered while only having a small kitchen and a living room.
You could childmind up to 3 preschool aged children and another 2 children your DD's age before/after school.

It terms of what your motivation is - providing a busy home life and playmates for your DD - childminding is much more practical. The children will be much more like your DD in terms of background, behaviours and social skills, much more likely to play with her. And you will still have evenings and weekends for your DD.

That's very useful info, thank you.

It would certainly be possible to adapt the house a bit for child minding, but it's far from ideal (no downstairs WC, lots of stairs, rooms not big unless we knock through - it's a typical (unextended) Victorian terrace, has a large garden though).

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/11/2023 17:13

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 16:22

(And how would a child know you could have asked to adopt them, but chose not to? That very much should not happen.)

Do children being fostered with families who appear to have the circumstances appropriate for adoption, not wonder why that family would not be a candidate for adopting them/want to adopt them?

I'd have thought that would be a very natural thought process for a child living with a family, (even if they went there being told it would be for eg months). Wouldn't they be thinking "why can't I just stay on here? Why don't they want to adopt me?" (If there's no obvious obstacle to it).

Edited

I don't know a whole lot about the care system (most, though not all, of my "knowledge" comes from Cathy Glass books which are probably not that accurate!) but it's my understanding that children in care generally want to return home, whether that is appropriate or safe for them or not. And when they first come into care, I understand that the long term plan is often not at all clear; ideally, children will return home if that is possible, however this may not be appropriate or safe. Part of the foster carer's job is managing the child's emotions and uncertainty in the face of the fact that the foster carer themselves does not yet know what will happen to the child long term.

In the event a decision is made that the child cannot return to their parent(s), then there is often another period of uncertainty where the LA is making a decision behind the scenes whether to look at another relative, long term foster care, or adoption. In this situation I understand that it is common for the child to ask whether they can stay with their foster carer, and it is again the foster carer's job to manage this and the child's emotions about it in the face of the fact that they don't know where the child will end up staying long term.

It's my understanding that foster carers trained as short term (meaning the few weeks up to about 6-12 months as a PP explained) are not usually considered for long term placements although sometimes the "short term" placement can end up lasting several years. Long term is a different thing and I understand that in this model the carer is expected to keep the child from whatever age they arrive until adulthood. (Very short term care such as a weekend/few days up to a couple of weeks is called respite care).

When a decision is being made about where to place the child long term then, I understand the foster carer can make an application at this point, but the assumption is that short term placement foster carers will not apply for permanency because the idea is that they continue to foster other children. The children AFAIK are not supposed to be told who is making an application, they are only informed once a permanent family has been found. Of course it does sometimes happen, but the idea of keeping this quiet is that it prevents false hope being raised, if the child has a particular option in mind that they would really like but the court considers that a different option is better. The child is allowed to make their wishes known, but this will only form part of the decision, as there are often other factors which are more important.

OP I know people are saying you are naive and maybe you are, but I would guess that most people who eventually go into something like fostering start out naive and learn as they go. Nobody is born knowing everything and the care system is a bit of a mystery to most people. It would probably be best to go along to any local fostering info events - you should be able to find these in any area - and get some info from there because you have no idea if the info that's coming through on MN is accurate or whether people actually have experience in the field.

Secondly there are loads of "fostering memoir" books on the market, which are quite interesting in terms of showing what kinds of things foster carers might experience ,although I am sure they are not quite as true as the authors/publishers claim, and I'm sure many scenarios are painted with a much rosier ending than what probably happened in reality. My guess is that there is some accuracy in these books in terms of how the care system is structured, simply because it seems to match up with other info I've come across from other sources, although obviously they are written for entertainment not education. (Also being memoirs some will be based on older procedures no longer used).

Hamburger233 · 02/11/2023 17:19

can't actually believe the naivety I'm reading. This level of emotional unawareness would make for a very poor fostering environment IMO.

You are being incredibly contradictory here.

You've said some foster parents act poorly if they want to be considered to adopt a child they have a foster placement with but they are not considered ..and that their behaviour then affects the foster child.

Which means that some do not. Otherwise you'd have said every parent you've seen acted like that in those circumstances.

Presumably the ones who do not behave like that are the ones who can put their feelings below the best interests of the foster child

Then you accuse someone of naivety for understanding that about those people.

It is also somehow emotionally unaware to recognise that the best interests of the child come first and frame it accordingly.

If I said 'oh I'll be so upset & angry, and I'll show it to the child" . You be ripping me to shreds for that.

If I say "I'd do my utmost to act in the best interests of the child, not selfishly" ....... I'm "emotionally unaware".

I'm nearly 50 years old, I've been through some of the things life throws at you by 50 years old; I'm aware that humans recover from or at least learn to live with grief, pain etc.

That's not emotionally unaware, it's the opposite.

OP posts: