What motivations are acceptable for fostering?

[Hamburger233]

If I'm honest that I'm mostly motivated to consider fostering because my only child (6) is regularly mentioning her lack of siblings, how she'd love a sibling, how she'd like to look after them (she loves younger kids, loves looking after them) etc. ...would that exclude us from fostering?

(Obviously children needing fostering in our area may not be younger, I'm aware).

Second thread?

Are you mixing me up with someone.

I'm a Foster Carer and I was motivated to Foster because I was a teacher and saw how a looked after child was totally transformed after going from an institution to a long term foster carer. A very disruptive and aggressive child gradually became less angry and started to learn and over time to consider others. I thought to myself, I want to make that difference for a child too. We got our Foster Son at 5 and now he's still with us at 17 1/2.

Yes, that's what I imagined.

I just wanted confirmation from experienced people.

We wanted to adopt our Foster Son but can't because his parent refuses and that is his court order. We were offered Guardianship.

That's really lovely.

Both your positive experience of children in foster care, and your subsequent motivation.

You are supposed to be a Saint, go into fostering only thinking of all the poor innocent children you can help, with no thought of your own feelings. The truth is that fostering is in crisis and there is a desperate need for carers of all makes, shapes, and sizes. Fostering is about the child in care and their needs, but if you feel that you can open your home and your heart to a child in need, can cope with the many issues than might arise, can put up with the local authority poking into your domestic and financial affairs etc, you might be suitable. You have absolutely nothing to lose by putting yourself forward. The only thing I would say is that ime ideally a child younger than your own dc is advisable for many reasons.

That's a pity.

Perhaps his age is increasingly ameliorating the difference/significance anyway (?)

The only thing I would say is that ime ideally a child younger than your own dc is advisable for many reasons

My dd only talks in terms of a younger sibling. This might be because most of her classmates have only younger siblings. She also loves babies and toddlers.

I had thought, could be entirely wrongly, that a younger child might recover from trauma/not be impacted by trauma to such a degree too ... But that could be a total fallacy.

It's recommended but if the adopters decide against it then there is nothing that can be done to make them keep in contact.

Thank you that different perspective from the other posters.

This whole attitude is completely unacceptable. I don't just mean for fostering, I mean you need a long think about how you are looking at this.

You are saying you want a younger one, and not too damaged because they are only coming because your own child wants a sibling.

You absolutely don't have to be a saint but you do have to view the potentially fostered child as more than a pretend sibling for your own child.

Thank you for reading my posts so carefully.

I've said that I'd hoped a foster placement could both help the foster child, and give my child experience of having another child living in their home/let them see - as much as possible - what it would be like having a sibling.

I did not say I only wanted a younger child ... I said that I had thought, possibly entirely wrongly, that a younger child may not have been affected by trauma to such a degree .

And if you are a first time fosterer, with a young child of your own, you'd have to be rather stupid indeed not to consider how much trauma a foster child might have had, and the implications of that for everyone.

Deadringer has raised that issue - though I'm not sure of the reasons - immediately too.

This is a giving role not a receiving role. You need to be mentally strong and prepared to help and look after another person, with all that it involves without receiving anything back. They might well negatively impact your life. Try taking your child to clubs, play days and parties and inviting friends round.

That child might not have the capacity to give your child what they want or need.

@MidnightOnceMore

Many posters have made their points while remaining relatively tactful.

I have even agreed with your points .... So the attitude is not necessary.

You are shaping up to be a typical mn aibu type poster who specialise in self-righteous, key board warrior, pounce on the opportunity to use someone online as a punch bag - behaviour. I don't make the mistake of engaging with them for long, been on here for too many years.

I spoke to a lovely foster carer a few years ago who fostered newborns, often they were with her for a few months whilst waiting to be adopted, she had her own children (age 10+) and she told me how if effected all of them when it was time to handover to the adoptive parents, they all knew that the babies wouldn’t be staying and that they were going to be adopted but it was still really hard when they day came to say goodbye. I can imagine for a 6 year old that would be extremely hard because she would get attached. It’s likely you would only be allowed to foster children younger than your dd so some of them would be babies/toddlers and often it would be for a short time because babies and toddlers are much easier to find adoptive parents for than older children.

Fostering is something I have always considered. My dc are now 19 and 17, my youngest is severely autistic and over the years I have met many foster carers who foster disabled children and I am told there are not many placements for these children. I was told when my dc were younger that I probably wouldn’t be considered to foster because of my DD’s disabilities but now she’s getting older and we are looking at her moving to a shared house it’s definitely something I would like to look into.

I’m not sure wanting to foster because your child wants a sibling is a good idea.

It's not self righteous, I'm genuinely upset anyone would approach fostering from this starting point.

I have a lot of experience of fostering.

There is nothing wrong with feeling that you could only cope with 'less damaged children'. Yes it sounds dreadful, but people need to be honest with themselves and know their own limitations, but sometimes people go in with that mindset and later surpass their own expectations. I know lots of people going into fostering who were hoping for 'easy' cases, that is human nature, and many of them have ended up forming close bonds with and doing amazing work with children who were anything but easy. I hate fostering threads because they are always so negative. But I always try to contribute if someone is considering it, because we need more people to consider it, whatever their primary motive going in. (Obviously not including abusers etc). I have fostered all sorts of children over 20+ years, of course I was hoping for lovely easy ones going in, but you gain experience and confidence and as I said, often surpass your own expectations of yourself. I have looked after babies who's mums were in hospital, I have looked after orphaned teens and pre teens, and done holiday respite for children of all ages. It wasn't always easy but i can honestly say that there was not one child that i regretted having. My dc are adults now and they are all glad that we are a foster family, and are considering doing it themselves in the future.

she told me how if effected all of them when it was time to handover to the adoptive parents, they all knew that the babies wouldn’t be staying and that they were going to be adopted but it was still really hard when they day came to say goodbye.

Did they never consider trying to adopt any of the babies themselves?

it’s definitely something I would like to look into.

You sound like a very good candidate, best of luck of you do become a foster family.

@Deadringer

Thank heavens that people like you exist.

Have you thought about childminding instead?

You would make more money for shorter hours and a lot easier and less stress.

Your DD would have playmates and a busy house full of children - you could have babies stay with you right through to school age, more permanent than a lot of foster placements.

And if a child is difficult or clashes with your DD you wouldn't have a responsibility towards them.

Sadly there are many more DC needing to be fostered than there are foster carers who can give them a loving home. Many children in the care system are damaged and it can take years before they can trust let alone love you. If you have young DC of your own I'd say wait until your youngest is in high school if you want to foster a younger DC. Foster children because of their often terrible past lives need a lot more care and attention than an average DC. I waited until my youngest DC was 16. I felt this was a good time frame with foster son 5. My son was not jealous of the time I spent with foster son and he also helped by being a good role model for behaviour and would take FS out to McDonald's or to the park and play football with him or as he got a bit older had a boy's movie night with popcorn and ice ream at home so I could go for an evening out with DH on occasion.

Yes, I feel I should be cautious/circumspect about how we would cope.

It is also the reason I thought perhaps it would be best to foster first, and see how we cope, rather than thinking about adoption straight off the bat.