Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do you respond to people who say they could never be foster carers because...

39 replies

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 02/07/2012 23:27

they would get far too attached, could never hand them back etc?
When anyone finds out I foster I get so many responses including the above, one lady went as far as saying 'OMG I couldn't do it, what it would be like giving one of my own children away, I don't know how you can...' and more.
Do they think it is easy and we are hard hearted people who look after these lovely little ones and let them go without a second glance.
I think I need a good response ready instead of trying to justify why I love the job so any suggestions welcome :)

OP posts:

SPsFanjoLovesBrokenBiscuits · 02/07/2012 23:33

I'm not a foster carer but my aunt was up til she died a few year ago and when I was with her I'd hear these comments.

She would say she does it as it gives the children a fresh start and a doorway to a new life.

If that didn't work fuck off did

Bossybritches22 · 02/07/2012 23:34

I say that too Tulips the first bit anyway.....sorry but not in a condeming, think you're a hard hearted cah way!

Foster carers do a fab job & you are all absolute stars giving some of these poor mites a chance in life, literally saving their lives at times & also in many cases giving the mums/dads a break & possibly their only chance of any relationship with their child.

You are giving the children a bit of stability & love in an otherwise confusing & often unloving world.

SPsFanjoLovesBrokenBiscuits · 02/07/2012 23:42

I did once ask her how she felt when they left her care. She said "I feel heartbroken because I cared for them and to me they were my own but at the same time they needed to find a home of their own so I could help others similar."

LaurieFairyCake · 02/07/2012 23:50

The one and only time some gushing fool did this to me at a party I said airily 'oh, its dead easy, I don't like children'

Watching her trying to figure it out while drunk was very funny when she lurched off.

Original poster

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 02/07/2012 23:53

SPsFanjo - your aunt sounds like a lovely lady. And your 2nd response may be very useful :)
Bossy - thanks for the comments, I know lots of people say this and I totally understand but some go a little too far and can be annoying like the lady I mention. Her 'sweet' little girl had jumped in puddles, squashed a few bugs and thrown around some rocks during our conversation and I think she just annoyed me a bit :)

OP posts:

yousankmybattleship · 02/07/2012 23:57

Why do you need to say anything? If you are happy in what you're doing why do you need to justify it? Some people will understand, others won't. So what?

SPsFanjoLovesBrokenBiscuits · 02/07/2012 23:59

It would annoy me hearing comments all the time. No one says to someone who works in sales " oh I couldn't do it, watching them jumpers leave"

Best to to ignore them. What your doing is making an impact on lives for the best. Doesn't make you cold or hard hearted because you know they won't be around forever, its actually the opposite as you know what's coming but you put yourself through it for the sake of the children.

I would love to foster.

bonnieslilsister · 03/07/2012 10:03

I have always thought that Tulips It is as though they are saying they are somehow far too caring to do that!

Love your response Laurie

What I really hate is someone you barely know coming up in front of fc and saying "So how long have you got him/her for then?" How to fuel their insecurities. I have had pre schoolers for long periods and this is really unsettling for them to hear.

Original poster

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 03/07/2012 11:08

Laurie - that's an impressive response though I know I wouldn't have the nerve to use it :)
bonnie - yes, that's exactly how I feel at times. Also the fact that people will ask silly questions like you mention or as I was asked 'what's wrong with the mother then?' as if I would ever discuss anything like this with them!

OP posts:

threeandcounting · 03/07/2012 11:54

The most conversation I have had, was when someone said "ohh, you must be so hard hearted to be able to give them away...." After a couple of seconds silence and a bemused stare she did start to back track though!

Most people though are genuinely interested in what we do

only4tonight · 03/07/2012 12:00

I have thought about fc but I have realised I could not because of the reasons in your op. That is NOT a comment on people that can. Knowing I could not do it makes me respect foster carers even more. I think you guys are bloody brilliant! We have adoptive children in the family so I have seen what foster carers do, what they take on, and the love and kindness they put into their charges.

SimplyTes · 03/07/2012 12:17

I am a fc and am happy when they are able to move on as it means my family and I can help another child. My current foster child is 2 and has been with us for 8 months - he calls me mummy, it does hurt, but it is good that he has been able to make attachments after a terrible start in life.

He is to be adopted and I know a wonderful family will be found and he will have a wonderful life.............I have to believe this.

I am not a hard person but I am a realistic person and know when the time comes it will be difficult to say goodbye.

ps it does hack me off when all I get is how can you let them go.........even my immediate family (ma / bro /sil) say this to me!!

only4tonight · 03/07/2012 12:30

Simply - as I have said we have adoptive children in the family and we are all grateful for foster carers like you.

Please don't be offended when people like me say we couldn't do it. It is not a put down. For me, it is awe. I genuinely don't know how people do it but I am so so pleased that people can and do. Be offended if people think its easy and anyone can do it. Because they can't. It takes really special people.

To all the good foster carers out there - THANK YOU.

scarlet5tyger · 03/07/2012 12:50

I think almost everyone I know has said to me at some point "I don't know how you do it", and its always been in a positive light. Its harder to hear it when I'm in the middle of moving a child on but I always pinch a phrase I read on here - the child leaving will take a piece of my heart with them that will only be filled by the next child arriving.

Sadly the child leaving at the moment is going to take almost all my heart with them.... I thought after all this time I actually had become the hard hearted person mentioned above and I'm a bit surprised that after going through the moving on process many times now this move is hurting so much

BusterTheDonk · 03/07/2012 14:16

to Scarlet5tyger.... I understand your pain x x x

Original poster

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 03/07/2012 14:39

We are new carer's and only on our 2nd placement, the 1st being 1 week respite and a LO I still see regularly with their foster carer so we haven't yet had to go through the pain of moving a child on.

Our current LO is nowhere near court hearings etc but already I cannot bear to think of moving on. When people say they don't know how we can hand them back I don't dare admit that I don't know that myself. I am sure there is an inner strength that takes over and hope I will find it when the time comes.
I appreciate the experienced FC's sharing their feelings on the process and it is also good to hear from adopters who realize the amount of pain involved for the FC as well as the LO.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 03/07/2012 14:43

I couldn't be a foster carer because I'm not a strong enough person. We have a foster sibling and my parents frequently fostered when we were younger. I am in awe of anyone who can do it.

aliasjoey · 03/07/2012 14:51

I always think "I don't know how they do it" but PLEASE don't take that as being that I think you are hard-hearted. On the contrary, I admire anyone who would do that.

Surely, when people say it they don't intend 'you don't care' but instead 'you care so much and still have to be strong enough to give them up, you're amazing'

At least, thats what I hope they mean. But some people might not put it very well...

CanIhavesomeginnowplease · 03/07/2012 14:56

I admire people who foster because I would have a hard time doing so for the reason that has been mentioned. (Not to say I never would if I could)
Foster carers (the ones that do it for the right reasons) should be appreciated much more than they are. I think their selfless nature is admirable.

Mrbojangles1 · 03/07/2012 19:41

The worst reeaction i ever had was a lady at swimming asked me if i was the childs nany ( chikd was a diffrent race to me ) i said no i am her foster carer

She burst out crying and said how could any one give such a lovley child way

I made my exuses and now wait out side for my son, i find many people have no understanding about fostering genaraly just want to ask you about the childs parents followed by oh i always wanted to foster

I also lost a really good friend sadly she had [pnd] her oh was a bit of a git convinced her i had some sort of hot line to ss (if only i can never get hold of any social workers ever ) and felt her being freinds with me would result in them loosing their child some how.

You would think reactions to fostering would be good but not always

CheddarCheese · 03/07/2012 20:32

How about "you're giving them a safe loving transitional home so they can move on from the past to a bright loving new family and life" ?

All fc's should be proud of the job they do, the new lives they give to dc. Without you the dc wouldn't have the love they need to move forward. You are preparing them to be "d"c's to families where they are wanted and will live better lives

It is heartbreaking but the dc need you more than they'll need anyone and giving them that transition is uncomparable.

aliasjoey · 03/07/2012 20:36

mrbojangles

why do you think the woman at the pool was criticising you? I don't understand, unless you have had other reasons to be sensitive about this?

It sounds (to me) as though she thought of a child having been given up by his birth parents was upsetting; or that she felt sorry that you would have to go through that trauma. Am I missing something??

Why do you think she wasn't empathising with your situation? I think people often express themselves badly... surely what she was trying to say was that no-one would willingly give up a child, obviously you have no choice but that doesn't make you hard-hearted.

bonnieslilsister · 03/07/2012 20:52

I don't know alias but if the woman was crying and saying that in front of the child I would avoid her too. It is the last thing a child needs to hear and see.

aliasjoey · 03/07/2012 21:04

oh I agree on that bonnies very daft thing to say. Yes, I can see that would get very annoying.

bottersnike · 05/07/2012 08:24

We get this all the time, OP. Our LO is moving on in a few weeks, and nearly all of our friends say "How will you bear it?" "It must be soooo hard to let them go."

Honestly, not really. We love them, and love what we've been able to give them, but they are categorically not our children. The thought of losing one of my own children makes me feel sick, and is in no way similar to the thought of our LO moving on to a loving home.

I think a lot of people imagine that fostering is like having another child of your own. It's up to us foster carers to educate them!!

Flip

1 2