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Original poster

Exciting day today!!!

33 replies

EarthMotherImNot · 01/04/2011 10:11

In about an hour our lo will be meeting his new mummy and daddy for the very first timeGrin

How excited they must beSmile Wish us all luckSmile

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anji9012 · 01/04/2011 10:20

Good luck to you all,
we have this to come soon,
would love to know how it went

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 01/04/2011 13:15

It went very wellSmile they are well and truly smittenGrin

Lo was an absolute star, he sat on my knee for a while until I felt he was relaxed enough then I handed him to new mum. Her hands were shaking a bit, understandable I think. He needed a bottle so I asked his mum to feed him and then we all had lunch together.

They had been "told" to stay for only an hour or so but I said take your time so they stayed just over two hours.

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caz2go · 01/04/2011 14:06

Reading this brought tears to my eyes .
I hope Lo goes on to have a lovely happy life .You have done a fab job ,and I hope knowing this makes it a little easier when the time comes for Lo to move on to his new family :) x

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 01/04/2011 15:05

Thank you cazSmile

He has been an absolute joy to care for, he is such a happy easy going little chap that "letting go" will be tough but we know, after chatting to his parents today, just how desperately wanted he is and how much love they will shower him with.

I have just finished my goodbye letter to him, I wanted to see him with his mum and dad before I finished it, and it has been a labour of love getting my feelings for him down on paper.

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lana28 · 01/04/2011 15:37

Best of luck to your LO in his new home :) he is lucky to have had such a loving start in life!!

have seen some of your earlier posts about caring for drug addicted babies- i think what you do is amazing and i would love to do it someday!!

because you seem really experienced could i ask some questions?

how do you and your DH resist the urge to adopt all the babies that come through your home? esp. when you know ss are looking for parents for the baby? i imagine that that is hardest part of fostering? have you gone on and adopted any?

if a newborn is placed with you for a number of months- do you get the baby to call you mama and dada? i know that sounds stupid but they are important mile stones for a baby right?

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 01/04/2011 16:11

Hi lana,
Resisting that urge has been a struggle at times but my feelings are that so many families find themselves unable to have children other than through adoption and Dh and I have been lucky to have 3 of our own, that it would feel somehow selfish to keep one, if that makes sense.

After moving on so many lo's the thrill of seeing a mum hold her baby for the first time has never left me.

We are strongly advised never to encourage lo's to call us mama and dada simply because we are not their parents and not only would that be hurtful to birth families it would totally confuse the child.

We use our first names with no prefixes, ie aunty or uncle as this is who we are.

I'm happy to answer any questionsSmile

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maypole1 · 01/04/2011 16:45

earthmother i tottaly agree but what do you say to a child who starts calling you mum i have expalined to my fc many times that they have a mum and my name is ............. but still fc calles me mum a mum is somone who cooks cleans, washes and give you cuddles when you are sad sadly fc mum dose none of those things the world tells my fc what a mum dose i am not los mum but do those things is very hard for lo to grasp i dont encourge it but i think children should call you want they want at the end of the day if the child is determined.

sumum · 01/04/2011 17:39

Maypole I know where you are coming from but I would strongly strongly advise you to encourage the los to call you by your name.

If they later make a disclouser of abuse and say 'mum did it' without being able to give a date and they have been calling you 'mum' then it can get very tricky with allergations.

I just keep repeating to los my name without correcting them, ie 'come to sumum' and they do all click on. Often my ds calls me 'sumum' too but I would rather it be that way round than the lac calling me mum.

sumum · 01/04/2011 17:40

Emin - good luck with the handover Smile

NanaNina · 01/04/2011 17:43

Earthmother - you are a wonderful foster carer. Am retired after 30 year soc work career in child protection, fostering and adoption. Have taken many newly approved adoptors to see their child for the first time in the foster home, and the way you handled things was just perfect.

Sadly I have seen foster carers who have not even asked the adoptors if they'd like to hold the baby and I have had to say "I think x and x would like to have a little hold" and the carer has handed him over, and then the adoptors are dead nervous as you say and much more so if they think the carers are monitoring them. I have had to use all sorts of tactics, like saying to the carer "Would you mind if we asked for a cup of coffee" just so the adoptors could have a few minutes with their baby. I had one carer who would not hand the baby over, saying he had his injection yesterday so he would cry if anyone else held him and "anyway it's time for his sleep" and the adoptors are too nervous to say anything.

I had a few strong words with the foster carer who refused to let them hold the baby and she was better the next time. I have to say that these kind of foster carers are in the minority, but it does happen, especially if they don't like something about the adoptors.

Needless to say it is so much better if the foster carer can be like you earthmother, and the adoptors feel they can phone for advice about the baby's routine etc, especially if they are first time parents.

Social workers are never there on hand-over day but we do make arrangements about the way it is to be done and timing etc so that everyone is in agreement and mostly the hand-overs went well. Had many traumatised foster carers on the phone though over the loss of the LO. I always advised that talking to foster carers who had done it a few times would be best as they would understand more how they were feeling.

Good luck to all concerned.

scarlet5tyger · 01/04/2011 18:33

EMIN, I'm in the middle of handing over my (no longer) drug addicted baby at the moment who I "spoke" to you about in one of your earlier posts and I can share the excitement and sorrow you're feeling at the moment.

When I met "mum" for the first time I handed baby straight to her with his bottle and in the days that have followed have given her every task from plain old cuddles to changing the dirtiest of nappies. I keep apologising as I feel like I'm being paid for doing nothing at the moment!!!

Can I ask what sort of thing you put in your goodbye letters? I've not handed over a baby so young before and have always been able to write about things like the child's first words, first foods, funny moments etc but baby hasn't had many of those "firsts" yet so I'm a bit stumped.

fostering · 01/04/2011 19:30

How about writing about your feelings.......how lucky you felt to be looking after such a beautiful new baby, how much he made you smile at his first smile.
How honoured to be able to tell his forever Mother all about him, his routines, how he likes to be held and what makes him laugh.
What comforted him and describe his favourite blanket or toys.
How much your heart will break to hand him over and you are only doing so because it is the best thing ever to be part of a new family that are desperate to shower him with love.
Even if you never see him again he will always have a special place in your heart and you will always remember and think about him.

Hope that gives you some ideas.

maypole1 · 01/04/2011 22:51

Yes of course I don't encourage it and have informed the Childs sw and she couldn't really give me any tips fc child flitters between my name and mum but I have noticed the longer fc has been here the more fc calls me mum

I really worried about this at the start and although I refer to my oh as his name when talking to lo and he refers to me as my name when talking to lo about me all the factors I have mentioned above plus the fact we have bio children that call me mum its very difficult for the fc not to really.

All I do is try and gently remind fc what my name is but were 2 years in now and is still calling me mum.

its very hard for children who haven't lived with their birth parents at all and live with a foster carer who have bio children not to call You mum themselves.

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 02/04/2011 07:05

Thank you everyoneSmile

NanaNina, I too know of foster carers who go out of their way to make introductions difficult for the new parents, it makes me incredibly angry that they feel they have the right to spoil such a special time.

I try to make the family feel welcome and, as far as possible I take a back seat in the care tasks for lo. I also ask the family for a few photo's of themselves before they meet lo which I hang up beside the cot and changing unit. I have no idea if this helps small babies in recognizing these new faces in his/her life but it can't hurt.

At the end of the day it will be up to them to let me know lo has settled, surely they are more likely to keep in touch if they feel we've helped them.

scarlet: if you PM me I can talk through my "goodbye letter" with you.

We have a full day at home with the new family today starting with lo's breakfast and finishing with tea, it will be exhausting for all concernedSmile

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EricNorthmansMistress · 02/04/2011 20:05

EMIN
I really think you are amazing! I work with carers of teens so I don't often see this side of things! I have one who is placed with a carer who also has a baby with FAS who will be adopted, I think she is incredible. I could not do it :( How strong you are. Was it you who was thinking about stopping fostering a while ago? If so, I'm glad you didn't! The world needs good carers like you.

Minnerva · 02/04/2011 20:34

EMIN I hope that your day went well.
We have been waiting weeks and weeks for a new placement and I am sooooooooo bored.Secretly hoping for another baby but unlikely as our la has an overfill of baby foster carers.
Thinking of you and yours Emin xx

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 03/04/2011 06:47

Thank you all.

Eric yes it is me and I'm still thinking about stopping, I've dithered for weeks now and no further forwardSad

Minnerva our family had a lovely day. The plan was to take them out for a walk today, in effect "trail" them to check they were managing ok. We took them to our local shopping centre, pointed out things/shops of likely interest then left them to it. Honestly the way our LA treats grown up intelligent people is laughable sometimes. We provided a change bag of nappies, wipes, milk etc and told them to come back in time for lo's afternoon nap. We knew they had our phone number and they knew we were no more than 10 minutes away if they had a problem.

When they returned they were glowingGrin they'd taken turns pushing the buggy and had had a wonderful time.

While they were out we took the opportunity to wrap a little mothers day gift and card for the new mum which we slipped to dad on their return. I hope she likes it this morningSmile

Today we take lo to their house, settle him then leave them until bedtime when they bring him home and put him to bed.

I hope your phone rings soon MinnervaSmile

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danceteacher · 03/04/2011 20:04

goodluck emin. hope all goes well.
we have just been asked to be godparents for our little one who was adopted. we are over the moon. we couldnt have asked for better adoptive parents. we have been so lucky. we gained 2 great friends out of it!
take care emin you have done a fab job!

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 04/04/2011 14:58

Oh how wonderful danceteacher, what an honorSmile

Lo was due to leave on Wednesday but after discussing it with the parents I've suggested that tomorrow is fine with me. It seems pointless making them dash back and forward when they are managing very well with everyday care already.

It's one less day for us but I know he'll be absolutely fine so I mustn't be greedy.

If you could all be online to give me un mn hugs tomorrow morning at 9 I'd be gratefulSad

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sumum · 04/04/2011 18:53

Sending you a hug for your last night (((((hug)))))

and one for tomorrow (((((hug)))))

danceteacher · 04/04/2011 19:16

what a lovely person you are. i dont know if i could give up an extra day!
massive goodluck for tomorrow. huge hugs

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 05/04/2011 08:19

I'm so pleased lo woke early today, it meant Dh was able to give him his last feed before he had to leave for work.

I'm going to have a cuddle now he's dressed then text the family to come and collect him.

Should be here around 9ishSad

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Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 05/04/2011 09:09

He's goneSad

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anji9012 · 05/04/2011 10:24

Ah Bless, my thoughts are with you, I know we all know it comes to this, but, It still hurts. (hmm)

p99gmb · 05/04/2011 10:47

Good luck LO with his forever family and good luck to you too EMIN - which ever way you proceed... your home must feel really quiet at the moment Sad