Partner in the army has gone quiet on exercise, how should I read it?

[BeLilacEagle]

I’m looking for advice on how to support my partner, he’s in the army and currently on exercise. He won’t return until the end of June and from the day he left has been almost silent. We’re long distance, but prior to him leaving he was texting saying how much he’d miss me and setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away. From the moment he took off he’s been completely different, he still has his phone currently though signal is occasionally dodgy and he’s mainly only active in the mornings and evenings, but he doesn’t contact me. Instead I get the occasional snap picture around twice a day and it’s normally just a random meaningless picture, I’ve asked him how he’s coping and he said ‘not well’. That was almost 3 days ago now and we’ve not spoken since, I’ve told him how proud of him I am and how excited I am to see him again and then our conversation ended with us both saying ‘love you goodnight’. We’ve only been together around 4ish months and I’m struggling honestly to understand if he’s struggling emotionally that’s why he’s not reaching out to me but he is active on his phone occasionally or if there’s something wrong within our relationship, the hardest part is the silence and not knowing, I’ve sent him a message last night telling him how the days without communication is taking its toll on me but he hasn’t replied yet, I’m so lost with what to do honestly. Mind you he’s in almost contact with his mum most days, that’s why it makes me so confused why he won’t reach out to me.

We’ve only been together around 4ish months

Stop trying to support/ manage him. Let this play out, it will tell you a lot about how he deals with the seperations that are part of army life. Some people just prefer to switch into 'work' mode and don't want to 'reach out' when they are away.

You’re long distance and been together four months. How many times have you actually been together?

He was setting you goals and tasks to achieve? What?! That's a massive red flag.

Setting you goals and tasks?
Such as what?

Do you understand how the army works ? If he is on exercise there are multiple reasons why communication might be inconsistent - poor signal / on duty / sleeping / limited alone or down time. Putting your demands / requirements to him in terms of what you need and expect in terms of communication doesn’t work in a forces environment, particularly while he is on exercise. Their schedules are subject to regular change. Depending on the exercise it can be stressful and tiring so any down time is spent sleeping , organising kit etc. Before mobile phones partners of soldiers didn’t get any comms apart from letters, and sometimes not even a letter ! You have been long distance and only known him for 4 months so guess you both don’t really know each other. He will also be wanting to be with his mates during down time and constantly being in communication with you won’t fit with that. I would be very wary of someone setting you goals for while he is away , that is not normal behaviour in any relationship. You need to step back, see how he chooses to communicate and then you can decide if that works for you. Based on what you have described in terms of what you want I’m not sure a partner in the army is going to be a relationship that works for you in the long term.

he's away on exercise ie at work. leave him the fuck alone to do his job

Nothing bad I maybe worded it wrong, just things to keep my mind occupied, I asked him to give me ideas for things to do whilst he was away such as trying to get better at running ect things he knows which keep me distracted

We’re long distance but only a few hours, we see each other every other weekend

Yeah I suppose, just not sure how normal it is to not have any contact with your partner for days even thought he still has access to his phone

You have a long distance boyfriend so for the greater part he’s away anyway. Let him do his job. Clingyness is never attractive. Ever!

We all have different needs when it comes to communication and hiw much contact and reassurance we like. If you need tasks and goals to distract you at 4 months in, I suspect you would feel better with a partner who's job doesn't take them away for long periods of time when they may be out of contact. It's not easy having a LDR /a relationship with someone in the forces and it's not for everyone.

An army person is not for you
Find a local who does not work away

Why do you need him to suggest things to do to keep you occupied, haven't you got a mind of your own?

I think some of these replies are a little harsh. If he’s in contact with his mum each day I’m sure he could message the OP to check in here and there or even to say ‘you might not hear from me for the next few days’ .. I stand by the saying ‘if they wanted to they would’

I don’t need him to it was simply a conversation as obviously it’s hard going from speaking to ur partner every day to barely at all, he was simply suggesting ways it’ll be easier for us both to cope with things.

Yes I agree, that’s why I’m a little insure what’s going on, gone from being perfectly happy to not speaking for days even though he’s on bis phone, somethings not adding up to me

Military wife here… my advice would be to give him space and let him set the pace of contact. If he’s struggling, having contact from home can make hard times even worse (I know that sounds backward but he needs to get into the right mindset to cope with whatever he’s doing).

He needs to find ways to cope with the tasks, the army will help him. Let him set the pace.

Right now your focus needs to be keeping yourself busy so he doesn’t need to worry about you whilst he working. Get to the gym, start growing fruit/veg, start any type of time consuming project… it’ll help time move faster and give you easy stuff to talk about when you do get a chance.

If he can use Snapchat he can text. Unless he's in the field he can keep in touch, if he couldnt hed say there's no way to keep in touch but he is using Snapchat to message multiple people.

Be patient, its a tough job. Let him process it, dont smother him especially at 4 months.

I used to find it easier not talking whilst he was away, its hard for you both. He might be missing home and you remind him of it.

Be patient and when he gets back give him time to settle, then chat about communicating in future deployments. There will be a lot.

Thank you, it’s hard to not feel like he’s maybe using this as a way to end the relationship even though I’d be unsure as to why as we’ve been perfectly happy, but i appreciate the advice.

You really are not cut out to be a military wife/partner. Walk away now.

Thank you, yeah I’m so new to this world it’s hard. I’ve reached out to him so I’ve done all I can and now I’ll just have to wait for him to reach out when he’s ready,

Then why are you making it out like he’s being controlling? Saying he’s setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away
that sounds like he was telling you “ YOU MUST DO/I EXPECT*..,

This is blunt, but also 100% true. If you're overthinking to this degree already, it's going to drive you mad long term.

This, especially if there’s a learned helplessness/martyrdom going on!
what is happening with the amount of posters that have this mindset at the moment!!

No I think you’ve misunderstood me, he’s not controlling in the slightest, him suggesting distractions is something I seen as a positive as he’d told me he was going to struggle with missing me whilst he was away to.