Partner in the army has gone quiet on exercise, how should I read it?

[BeLilacEagle]

I’m looking for advice on how to support my partner, he’s in the army and currently on exercise. He won’t return until the end of June and from the day he left has been almost silent. We’re long distance, but prior to him leaving he was texting saying how much he’d miss me and setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away. From the moment he took off he’s been completely different, he still has his phone currently though signal is occasionally dodgy and he’s mainly only active in the mornings and evenings, but he doesn’t contact me. Instead I get the occasional snap picture around twice a day and it’s normally just a random meaningless picture, I’ve asked him how he’s coping and he said ‘not well’. That was almost 3 days ago now and we’ve not spoken since, I’ve told him how proud of him I am and how excited I am to see him again and then our conversation ended with us both saying ‘love you goodnight’. We’ve only been together around 4ish months and I’m struggling honestly to understand if he’s struggling emotionally that’s why he’s not reaching out to me but he is active on his phone occasionally or if there’s something wrong within our relationship, the hardest part is the silence and not knowing, I’ve sent him a message last night telling him how the days without communication is taking its toll on me but he hasn’t replied yet, I’m so lost with what to do honestly. Mind you he’s in almost contact with his mum most days, that’s why it makes me so confused why he won’t reach out to me.

Hah lol just realised we’re in that forum! Hadn’t paid attention.

He's a boyfriend you've only known since about Christmas.

He's not your partner. A partner is someone with whom you are in a long-term committed relationship, and have probably been together for years.

So, you've seen/met him 8 times? (Every other weekend, for 4 months)
Calling him your partner, and sending 'I love yous' after that time seems a little full on. Maybe he's taking the time away to assess what he really wants? I'm not saying that to be nasty, but to be realistic. I would consider not giving my all to this, and being realistic about this stage in your relationship. Maybe let him know that's all right; that him thinking about things is fine, and fair. You can continue to talk, but it doesn't have to be everything.

If you see the way people talk about military relationships you’ll know why people don’t post on here about them. They’re very different I think, like OP getting ribbed about the 4 months, it’s really common for military relationships to get intense fast (not myself I have to say but seen it a lot, with varying success!) it’s why I recommended she find a specific forces’ network, (I know this is the sub forum but comes up in active and is generally quiet)

After 4 months he’s not your partner, he’s a boyfriend. You sound very needy and you’re over thinking this, he’s in the armed forces on exercises, his time will be completely consumed with what he is doing and he’s probably tired.

Hi OP

I'm sorry you are finding this difficult; it is! My advice is going to be the same as everyone else I think. Let him do his job.

There are a million reasons why he might not be in contact and the relationship does sound a little intense for so early.

Important detail: this won't get better. If he commits his career to this you will have to cope with being a single person/mum for a lot of the time, with minimal contact. And you can't complain if you understand what you are signing up for.

Don't sit on the fence, you're in or you're out.

You relationship is very new. You are in the first flush of love. The separation is hard.

But .... he is getting support from his mum.by the sound of it, so that is good. And maybe he does not need this from you. He just needs you to respond cheerfully when he gets in touch. Tell him what you have been doing. Don't get heavy. Be the light relief.

It really is early days yet.

Not an army wife, but DH travels a lot.
Depending on what's going on, I may get a load of messages, I may only get one mid-week.
This last trip, the only message ive had is "been bumped off flight, don't know when I'll get back".
I think you have to take the rough with the smooth, and understand some trips are tougher than others

That said, im 20 years down this track. Not sure id have been so complacent 3 months in.

I also have no idea how often he messages his Mum!

Hi OP. Can I make a suggestion that you treat this time he is away on exercise as time to gather your thoughts about being in a relationship with someone with whom communication will be shaky. Even with the best will in the world there will be times when he can’t contact you for days on end. When he comes off exercise, sit down, have a chat and decide together how you both felt with this first absence and see what steps you could both (realistically) take to improve things on both sides (set a time for him to send you a heart emoji every day or every other day for example. Quick, easy, he’s checking in with you, doesn’t require him to take thinking time or set the expectation of a conversation.)

You are still new into the relationship, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but are you both young-uns? You mention you both live at home is all? The early days of a relationship can be intense, long distance naturally makes that worse. Adding a job with limited opportunities to communicate to that and you get a steaming pile of misery.

If he’s away on an Exercise he needs to be in the right headspace do his job! Texting you every day to tell you he misses you will not put him in the right headspace!
He may well be missing you too but messaging you everyday to tell you that isn’t going to help him!
The fact that he gave you these ‘tasks’ suggests to me that he knows you were going to struggle!
Please take the pressure off him - get busy with your own stuff!

I still want to know how old OP is. That answer will make things more clear, I suspect.

I'm 44 and my husband is on exercise abroad at the moment. It's quite nice having a bit of peace and quiet, and I'm sure we'll have lots to catch up on when he gets home. We've learned to make the most of our time apart and appreciate our time together more. I do think absence makes the heart grow fonder for many of us.

This is hard, but true. He isn’t your partner. He’s just someone you’ve been seeing for a few weeks. If you only see him twice a month that means you’ve only seen him around 8 times. That’s not a partner. You need to fill your life and stop pining for him.

@alpeterbro There was a section but I only looked at it once and it was only Army posts I saw.

Military relationships in many ways are a different ball game to being with someone with a ‘normal’ job. It’s all new to the OP and she doesn’t know what’s normal or not, anyone with a military partner has been there and it’s not easy to navigate. I relied on other military wives/partners to see me through the first few years, I think the OP has had a bit of a kicking on here tbh, I know a good few relationships that have moved quickly in the military. Not all the forces are the same with going on exercise and deployments and everyone has different coping strategies to get through it. I’m an old hand but glad my DH is home permanently now although that comes with its own challenges after being used to spending months apart 🤣

You've been together only four months, and during that four months you only saw each other every other weekend.

You had a life before him. You spent most of your time during this relationship without him being there.

Sorry but I'm finding this - weird.